You say you sense that he does not TRUST you...

You will need to win back his TRUST...

How about making ALL of your ONLINE ACTIVITIES an OPEN BOOK for him?

When this happened I was depressed over losing my job. He was there for me but he does not really show support like I would like, he is more of a tough love kind of support but not a comforting one. I wanted to feel good about myself and he never admires me so I got it online, I told him in a way but I will admit I never fully apologized for the whole thing because I never fully admitted it as wrong, it wasn’t harmless because I should have spent that time cultivating a relationship with him. I am not sure if that’s his issue with me now since he hasn’t brought it up at all, the only thing he brought up was do I still talk to my x’s which is negative.

But to answer your question I did try my best to let him know what I needed b4 this happened and he has the hardest time showing his affection for me, I won’t say he never tries but he has surly stopped caring or trying within the past few months and the EA has been over since about April.

I have not brought it up since he hasnt but maybe i should to get it all out there.

Based on this new information, I'd call it off too. You seem to be to still be in denial this could have hurt him or is the issue. It's obvious you have not put this out in the open to be resolved. This and the fact you still talk to x's, would make me feel at best shakey on this relationship.

i dont talk to any x's and i also dont talk to any men online. he is worried that i am but i am not. he doesnt say this is his reason for cold feet tho.

Then you need to figure out what it is and hear it from him.

I have been trying to figure it out, when I ask him he never gives me a straight answer his first response is the ceremony causes him anxiety and he is not looking forward to it, so he wants to call it off, another is he doesn’t have enough time do devote to making me happy and meeting my needs, another is he needs space this is all I have been able to get out of him and I am still left wondering what I can do?

I'm curious. Why would you want to remain engaged to a man that doesn't have the time or interest in making you happy?

We have a lot in common, and the first few years of our relationship was great, he told me he loves me and he really tried. Every now and then he still tries so I guess that including how happy we were is what keeps me. also he can still make me laugh and I am comfortable with him, I don’t talk to any other men anymore since I found the one I want, I guess I don’t want to go thro the whole screening process of men again

Right now I have decided to take some unpaid time off work and go home for new years and the following week. This should give us both time to clear our heads and possibly make his answer and his real commitment to me clearer to him. A part of me wants to call it off chiefly because I feel like he is not giving me the required effort I feel like he doesn’t even like me most times let alone love me, so time apart is probably the best thing for us.

I wanted to post an update from last night. We talked a while he seemed down, he was home b4 I got home from work which is unusual he said he did go to work but he didn’t get my email, I have no reason to believe he would lie to me. We talked for a few hours actually. He told me he still doesn’t want to get married and he has been trying to avoid it for a while. Since his parents divorced and never re-married they don’t have any good advice to give him. His father told him not to get married and his mother thinks he is depressed. He mentioned he is not cheating on me and there is not another woman he is interested in. He said he proposed to me to make me happy but he is not sure if he did it because he wants to, and he doesn’t want to go into something so large unsure. We were both crying but we talked thro us, he did mention that since he proposed he stopped being as attentive to my needs because he figured he had me. I told him to make sure he was doing what was right for him and he said he doesn’t want to be married yet he can not completely understand why. I did mention my brief online relationships and he said that didn’t help anything but it’s not the large issue. He doesn’t want to lose his independence, and he proposed to me to prove to me he was committed not because he actually wanted to go thro with getting married, and now that the date we set together is in sight he can’t see himself going thro with it. He tells himself he needs more time but he knows that’s not it. When he filled out the questionnaire he didn’t really note any -1 or above in any of his top 5 things. Since I am going away for a week I let him know I would look for another place to stay and another job. I asked him if he wanted me to wait that week b4 telling the planner it’s off and everyone else, he said yes to wait a week, when I asked him if he still wanted me to wear the ring he didn’t answer the question. So right now for his benefit I am postponing telling everyone for 1 week but I am going to look for housing elsewhere and a job out of state from where I am now. At this point I am emotionally drained so I will ask him 1 last time possibly b4 I come back from out of state if he wants to marry me, if he says no I will probably not come home or come back to my current job, I’ll just stay home/w parents for a few more weeks or months and find a job new apartment/house first then come up to move all my stuff out. This to me would make everything much simpler. I am 25 years old but I could pass for 20 easily I have a degree and I have my family, I am not going to let this upset my life back any longer. Is it wrong of me to ask him if he would like to postpone for a week telling everyone when last night he seemed pretty sure he didn’t want to marry him? And if he wants to marry me only because he doesn’t want me to go/move out be a bad thing?

You want a person to marry you because they love and care for you and are committed to making a good life with you.

I know you don't think there is someone else, but I gotta tell you that he has all the signs. It seems that he wants that ring off your finger. What difference would that make, unless someone is pressuring him to do it?

At any rate, he seems to not want to get married. At least he is warning you. Lot's just get married.

What is with all the changing jobs and moving here and there? Please don't make all of your life decisions based on a man. Make a good life for you, and I promise you that someone will want to join you.

He does love and care for me, I am unsure how committed to making a good live for us he is.

I admit I made a bad decision by moving here out of college to stay with him. So my next move will have nothing to do with a man, it will be for a career, I am afraid because it is a lot of work to build a relationship not to mention the older a get the less eligible men seem to be around, and I am pretty picky but apparently not picky enough since I am being dumped months b4 my wedding date. Another thing I should note is he is a late bloomer and really didn’t date before me, I have dated quite a bit b4 him since with women men are usually trying to date us at a young age.

I feel all the signs are there for someone else also, and I told him if I knew there was someone else it would make leaving him that much easier, and he said there is no1 else, I guess he could be lying to me and doing a nice job of covering it up.

Bottom line is I am young attractive and I have no kids so finding another man shouldn’t be a problem, I guess its jus letting go of someone you are so comfortable with that worries me.

Thank you for your reply

I don't know why you have to find a new job or move out of town immediately, but I would recommend separating your finances, calling off the wedding, and splitting up. There is popular saying that goes, "You didn't know what you had until you lost it." If your relationship is eventually going to be saved, this would probably have to happen for him to wake up and finally see what he is losing out on. If not, you will find someone else. Trust me, based on my 26 year old experience, if you are 25, have a degree, weigh 105, and like to have sex 4 times a week, you should have no trouble finding a guy.

Here is the big thing, though. You need to learn from your mistakes of this relationship. You need to realize what ENs you were fulfilling, what LBs you were engaging in, and what was flawed about the person you almost married. Take that invaluable experience with you, and find the right guy. Not the hottest guy, or the smoothest with the ladies, or the guy with the best job. That isn't the most important thing. The lesson that I've learned from my situation is that you can fall in love with anybody, but the important thing to maintain it is closeness between the two of you. Someone who will give themselves completely to you and share everything intimately. You should want that, not to save a failing relationship.

"Trust me, based on my 26 year old experience, if you are 25, have a degree, weigh 105, and like to have sex 4 times a week, you should have no trouble finding a guy"

LMAO - Jim, what are we going to do with you?????

You are right, I am not sure how we can “split” the thing is we both can not afford the house alone so one of us will need a roommate, while the other moves out, or we will need to sell it, this is all stuff I have not seriously thought about yet. I am still going thro it’s really over phase. I wonder if it is possible to break up but still live in the same house temporarily, it is a 4 bedroom place so if anything we could not see each other much, we could keep it till the summer and then sell the place and split the profit.

LOL at your comment on me finding another man, but you’re right it’s not about his job or how cute/smooth he is I have learned that also. When I was really young I thought I would get rich on my own then go to a foreign country and find a man who appreciated me and take him back to the states LOL like a mail order husband, that’s how concerned I was about his job, things changed since then. And I honestly thought the man I am with now was the safe and right choice, but I have learned a lot about myself that I will take into the next relationship.

Okay, I'm 26, sleep in the same bed with my WW, and haven't gotten laid in 5 months. Can you say frustration!?!

Please don't continue living with him. Find a roommate or move back to your parents.

You know, I was thinking the other day (because I haven't gotten any in 5 months) that if I weren't trying to save my M that this would be a he11 of a place to pick up vulnerable women.

Seriously though, I just try to interject a little bit of humor in an otherwise not so funny subject. I know there were many days/nights I was posting on here crying, so I know how important some comic relief can be. If you can keep a sense of humor even in these tough times, then you will be just fine.

You are right I shouldn’t do that, someone is going to have to move out. It is very tough but right now I am taking reality a lot better than I expected. I know he is eventually going to regret it but in order to protect myself I may not ever be able to allow him back in, I guess that’s what scares me I like to hold on to things for too long, but this isn’t the first time my heart has hurt like this so I guess I am better equipped to deal with it than I thought.

The week spent away from him should give me enough time to clear my head more and figure out how we are going to split up. Keep me in your prayers please

This occurred to me, too, almost right away.
Mulan