Hi all, I am new here I just don't know what to do. Here is my story.
My H had an affair 14 months ago. He told me he did not love me anymore and that our marraige was over (he told me over the telephone)he was with the OW when he told me. I was at home with our two children. We have been married for 18 years and I never knew that we had a problem. I was sufferering from depression and anxiaty before my H had the affair, and this is the reason that my husband had the affair, it was all my fault. Anyway I was in a flat panic from what he told me. I was always the dutiful wife who always had dinner on the table and my husband did not have to do anything which I thought was what a good wife was supposed to do, Boy was I wrong. I decided to get help from my doctor for the depression and anxiaty It is now 14 months later and we are together but not intimatly. I can't seem to bring myself to sleep with my H since I have fully recovered from the depression. I have had therapy alwell and understand things a lot better. My problem is now do I carry on in this relationship without intamacy for my childrens sake or do I move on. My husband still does not do anything for me, but I don't know if that is my fault for doing everything for the last 18 years. My husband has changed a lot in the last 14 months, but not for the better. I have been supporting us for about 10 months now but have now had to leave my job due to my depression and the pressure of being the only one supporting the family.I will be starting a new job in Jan but don't know if I can carry one with the farce for much longer. Help please I just don't know what to do.

I am sorry you have to be here.
We need a little more information, please.

First, it was not your fault. Both of you are responsible for the state of the marriage pre-A, but he is the one who made the bad choices.

Now, for that info.
Is he still in contact with the OW?

Why is he not working?

Have you done any counseling as a couple?

If you do not have a job, counseling may not be available to you. There is a free radio show where Dr. Harley will give you advice.

again, sorry you have to be here.

Thanks for the reply
No, he is not in contact with the OWhe told me he still wanted to be but I told him that if he was, then it is over.I can't really say if he is or not because I work night shift so I really don't know. Since I have stoped working (2 weeks now) there has not been any contact.
He was made redundant from his last job and has been looking for work.
He will not go to councelling because he says it;s a waste of time.
He used to be very controlling over me, but since I've been to therapy I have developed a mind of my own which he does not like at all, I feel like I've finally woken up somehow if that makes sence?
I do feel like it is my fault because I have always given him freedom and let him do what he wanted to because I always trusted him.
But now the trust has been broken and Idon't know if I can get it back. I know things can never be the same but I'm still confussed.

Orchid: You can tell by his actions if he is in contact mentally, emotionally or physically. If there is no trust, you can't even trust his word. Sorry about his job loss. It is very depressing for some to deal with but he should stop being a conflict avoider and learn to deal with his sitch. He needs to take responsibility for it.



Orchid: Hm....if MC is a waste of time, what's an A? Throw that at him.



Orchid: I'll bet he doesn't like giving up control. Also a sign that he doesn't trust you, not because you are not trustworthy but for other reasons most of which c/b pointing directly at him. He is using you as his 'scape goat'. Don't let him.



Orchid: Giving him freedom and him screwing it up is NOT your fault. So STOP giving him the kind of freedome so he WON'T screw up. Hm..... let him figure out how to reverse that babble <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Orchid: It's not your job to get the trust back. It is his job to earn YOUR trust back. Don't be confused and don't fret, he has the bulk of the recovery work t/d.

L.

I don't understand your leaps of conclusions and logic..

why in heavens name is your goal here at MARRIAGEBUILDERS to live a non-intimate relationship with your husband..\

how is that going to fix or make ANYONE feel good about themselves or life....

why is your plan to deny you and your husband sex for the rest of your life..

WHY????

why is your question not

What do I need to do on my side to create a loving intimate marital partnership full of love and laughter and life..

why are you here at MARRIAGE BUILDERS..

to build an empty shallow joyless life....

or

create a marriage that meets both spouses needs..

ARK