Of course not. More lying is not the solution. Your wife has a right to know about this. She has to be told.

Being manly is not about being PERFECT, but about DEALING WITH our imperfections and facing the consequences rather than RUNNING FROM THEM. You have choices here.

Nothing would be less manly than running away and hiding from the consequences of your actions. Eventually they will catch up to you. Don't you want to have a happy marriage? Well then, you need to grab your balls and go. Start doing the right thing today!

There is a pretty great liklihood that you will just be confirming what your wife has suspected anyway.

I'll bump up a thread called "Joseph's Letter". Read it, and find out what a lie your wife has been living, not based on HER decisions, but on YOURS.

Please read it, as it might help you spill ALL the truth to your Wife, rather than kill her slowly as if with a thousand paper cuts, by giving her 1/2 truths and lies of omission.

I'll bump it up as soon as I can find it!

SD

Joseph's letter, not Jonathan's... oops!

I don't think I should be married. I know if I tell her about this I won't be married. I confessed to a one night stand I had not long after finding out about her infidelity.

She won't go for this no way. Especially since there is emotion involved with this woman. The sad thing is I really love my wife even though my actions don't prove it at all.

And that is HER CHOICE, not yours. You have NO RIGHT to make that decision for her. She is not your PET.

She must be told so SHE can make the decision about whether or not to stay with you. That is her right and you have NO RIGHT to deny her that right.

If you REALLY loved your wife, you would man up and tell her the truth. If there is emotion involved with the OW, then cut her out completely, so there isn't any emotion involved any more. You are right - right now you are incapable of being married. Are you going to fix it, or are you going to let it fall apart. I guarantee you, your wife will find out, and the longer it takes you to come clean, the harder it will be to reconcile. Are you a man? Then start acting like one.

I guess you're right MelodyLane. She was never going to tell me about what she did. I found out, but sometimes I wish I hadn't. I don't know why, I just think I would have been better off not knowing.

I read that Joseph's Letter...thanks, shattered dreams.

hstal, living in ignorance is not in anyone's best interest and does not bring them happiness. Gettng the truth out there is the first step to a solution.

It is also the first step in regaining your dignity and self respect as a man. What you are doing is self degrading, hstal. You have the power and ability to stop all this now. The first step is facing the music like a man and telling your wife.

If you have a church that you are close to, perhaps it would give you a better controlled environment to confess in the presence of a pastor, or a good, pro-marriage counselor.

You are sooooo close to doing the right thing, all you have to do is go with what your heart is telling you to do. Confess!

Yes, life will be ugly for a while, but how could that be any worse than living a lie. Nothing you stand for today is "real". You are not in love with the OW, you are simply in love with how you feel when you are with her. And the reason you are here, is because it's coming to "showdown" day with the OW, and you KNOW in your heart your fantasy romance will fall apart as soon as you commit to the OW.

Now, that's ugly!

YOu have so much to gain by coming clean and confessing, compared to what you'll for sure lose, if you don't.

Best wishes,
SD

shattered dreams,

I haven't seen other woman since last Wednesday. Before that it was daily contact and tons of email. Both of our spouses were out of town last weekend and I acted like I was sick because I couldn't deal with seeing her and then going straight to wife's family to celebrate Christmas. So now I'm lying to both my wife and other woman.

I do love the way I feel when I'm around her. You're right about that and I know it's not real love, but the feeling is overwhelming at times. I guess I'm just messed up and never really got over wife's thing because I also get overwhelmed with sadness too when I think about her feeling like this with someone else instead of me. I would then use that to keep going and saying everything was all right. funny huh? Not really...I know it's not right which is why I'm here. I just received another email.

Moment of truth...

Do you have the savvy and the heart, and the brass ones to reply to her, telling her that the affair is wrong, you love your wife, and you are making the commitment to do all you can do to save your marriage in spite of your affair.

Tell her as of today, there will be no more contact. You will not respond to her e-mails, phone calls and there will be no more physical contact either.

Tell her it's time for you to man up and come to terms with the bad choices you've made.

Then block her from your cell phone, your e-mail and any other form of contact. Tell her you love your wife and there is no excuse for what you've done. It is now time to face the piper.

Send it and save a copy to present to your wife when you confess. And, even more difficult, be a man of your word and follow through with the No Contact. It is essential to your survival and chance of recovery. You will be in withdrawal for a few weeks, pehaps even a couple of months, or more, but like drinking or crack, one slip and you are back to square one. And it would be yet another dagger in your W's back.

Putting this off serves no purpose but to delay the normal chain of events that will follow whenever it's done. So pick today to be the "right" day to come clean and confess to your wife.

Send her here to these forums and we can help her through it.

Best wishes,
SD

If you can affort to get the best in counseling, then call the Harley's. They have years of experience, and are pro-marriage all the way. They have handled much "tougher" cases than yours. Call and set up a phone appointment today, and invite your W to take part. They will give you a professional, pro-marriage plan to survive all this.

Give it some thought! For your sake, and the sake of your wife!

SD

Here you are describing your ADDICTION to her...an ADDICTION which you will have to beat COLD TURKEY. That's why I told you before that you will need to just DO THIS.

The ADDICTION will try to talk you out of DOING what is RIGHT....

The above statement is TRUE...a lot of the rest of what you are saying is RATIONALIZATION...

This is not to beat you up..

This is to encouragement for you to DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO... TODAY....

Sounds almost exactly like one of the speeches that I heard from my H after I discovered his A.....

A part of you wants her to give up..because that would be easier on you....

Don't make this about YOUR WIFE...

This is about YOU..YOU DOING WHAT IS RIGHT..regardless of her response...

You are making ASSUMPTIONS about her without knowing what she will do or say....

That is UNFAIR and PRESUMPTIOUS OF YOU...

We are encouraging YOU to do the RIGHT THING for YOURSELF!!!

htsal,
Why were you not having sex with you wife? (I'm referring to the time before her infidelity.)

curious53, I never stopped. I guess I just wasn't having as much as she wanted. I don't think we ever went more than a month at a time in our whole marriage.

Thanks mimi1254

Even during her affair we made love.

I just feel like running away. Wimpy huh.

JUST DO IT!!!

Just like I threw away my cigarettes 14 years ago....

Regardless of what you tell yourself..you have to JUST DO THE RIGHT THING!!!

Drop to your knees and close your eyes, and tilt your head sky-ward, and you'll find the strength to do this!

Best wishes,
SD

HT:

A couple of thoughts from someone who is only an FWS. I haven’t had the experiences a BS has had, but I know what you mean when you say you feel you don’t deserve to be married. I know self hatred, self loathing, constant suicidal feelings and just about everything you can imagine. I don’t know what it is like being with another person in the flesh because my adultery was confined to cybersex. That, however, is only the half of it because my cybersex was with men. Being male myself, you can imagine how my wife felt about that!

Guess what? When everything came to light, and after much soul-searching, my wife decided to stay with me. Yes, I messed up beyond imagination, but the reason she decided to say has to do with who she perceives me to be. Even if I am homosexual, my only focus will remain heterosexual because I believe it is wrong to act on homosexuality. This means a less than adequate sex life for my wife at present, but I plan on working on it and overcoming this problem. She is willing to stay with me because I am willing to commit to do what is necessary for our marriage. She is willing to stay because of what I am doing now, and the good things from the past.

I, too, have felt that I don’t deserve to be married to my wife. She is a far more faithful person than I, but the fact is neither of us is better than the other. In God’s eyes we are people with frailties. Sometimes those frailties cause us to give ourselves unwarranted permission to commit adultery. YOU are presently involved in adultery, unless you have cut all contact with the OW. Do what others have said and go NC if you haven’t already.

Then, if you want your marriage to survive, disclose everything to your wife. God requires confession before forgiveness and even if she never forgives you, you will have God’s forgiveness, which will help you forgive yourself. Living under the weight of lies kills the soul.

Although I would be tempted to look my wife in the eyes (if she had had an affair) and tell her not to judge me too harshly, I think this would be unwise as it almost throws blame at her, when all the blame for your affair is yours.

Do what these people tell you to do. Sometimes I get mad at them and disagree with what they say, but more often than not they are right on in their advice. I would trust my life with the advice the wonderful BSs and FWSs give. They know because they have been to ****** and back (perhaps some are still there), but they have survived and grown. What better guidance can you get than from people who have walked the walk they are suggesting to you?

Finally, let’s address the worst case. Let’s say you tell your wife what you have been doing and she decides to leave you. If, as you say, you don’t deserve to be married to her, if she left you, then you would be in a state where you would be able to find the person you deserve to be married. You would be free from fear of discovery and that counts for a lot. Also, remember, at one time, the shoe was on the other foot. SHE betrayed you and you deemed SHE was worthy to stay with you. What makes you so wise that can judge her so worthy and yourself so unworthy? Only God can do that and, quite frankly, I would say that He sees you worthy of much.

God bless. I know the road will be hard, but you really have to do what you are being encouraged to do.