Okay, htsal. "Knowledge" is not enough. Knowledge of anything is not enough without application of that knowledge to your life.

If I am "wrong thinking," consider this. I see what you have written from the perspective of a Betrayed Spouse whose wife was involved in a deeply emotionally involved affair for 6 years. It took us 4 years to recover our marriage. Do you think for one minute that it took 4 years because it was "smooth sailing?"

Do you think that our children were NOT affected? Do you think that their relationship with their mother has not also gone through a healing period, based entirely upon her willingness to forsake her affair, surrender her life to God, and to rebuild with me a marriage based in mutual love that has been growing stronger since the original commitment to ATTEMPT recovery?

htsal, everyone here wants to help, to see your marriage recovered and a strong and lifelong love developed between you and your wife.

It CANNOT happen if there is any contact with your OW. It CANNOT happen if you don't understand that PAIN is part of the healing process from wounds, even self-inflicted wounds.

Do we KNOW that recovery may be difficult, perhaps even impossible if your wife is not willing to try despite what you have done to her? Yes, we know all that. But we are willing to try to assist you and your wife any way we can, as has been done for us in our "hour of need" and as has been done for many others. But, you also need to understand that "bull" won't fly here because we have seen the "bull" and understand it. Call it the Ph.D. of life experience or whatever way you want to think about it, but the "bottom line" is that members here have "been there, done that" and little "sneaks by" them because it's not new. It's "old news" that has just been experienced by a new member, but it's the same "old news" that has been around for a long time. "Fresh and new" to you, "old news" to those who lived through their own "textbook" of life.

We are NOT here to beat you up or call you names. But we are here to say things that need to be heard, to filter out the "fog speak" and get to reality. This is all part of "letting the light" shine on the fog and eventualy dissipate it. It IS amazing how much more clearly you will see things when the fog DOES lift, because it WILL lift. The only question will be "How soon?" We hope it will be BEFORE the trainwreck, when the "switch" can be thrown that will divert the rushing train to a siding that saves the train, and it's occupants, from impending disaster.

God bless.

i just wanted to say, my prayers are with you. i was there once, standing on the cliff of confessions.

i survived, you can too!!

ForeverHers,

Thank you.

htsal,

This is just the reverse of the decision you made when you stepped onto the slippery slopes. That decision should have been no harder than this one. You knew there would be severe penalties when you took that step.

Living like you are right now can give you little hope. At least you know there will be a chance for a much greater hope when you confess and start the process of righting what is wrong.

Let this board be your help and confidant. You will find tons of support here that you'll not likely find anywhere else. It is, after all a Marriage Builder's site!

Do you have an questions that you need help with?

Best wishes, and my prayers are with you too.
SD

She called my house last night. My daughter answered the phone and gave it to me. Can't believe that. That is not right. I cannot sleep. I took daughter to see a movie and she came over to my house while daughter was at movie. The cat looked at her funny. hah. My wife called from her mother's. Her mother is having an operation today. I'm a great hubby and father huh?

I want to tell her, are you people really right? I almost told her last night on phone.

Almost counts in horseshoes and hand grenades and that's about it.

No way

htsal

I have been where you are. I know the self loathing and the thoughts of just ending it all and/or running away. But you know, all it will do is hurt those you love more. They WILL learn why you ran away or did worse, they WILL end up knowing all of your little dark & dirty secrets. These things seem to work out that way. You just cannot avoid hurting them in some way, the best way though is to stick around and help them, even if its to allow them to work through anger.

I don't need to tell you what you are doing is wrong, you know that. Do you know what is right? I think you do.
You have a daughter, you have a wife who cheated on you.
I can't but think your affair is a payback for your wifes affair which by your posts never really got resolved. She ended the affair but the two of you perhaps by never mentioning it and pretending it never happened, did not close it off for you. My opinion of course.

I noticed you say or rather indicate YOU feel you are responsible for your wifes affair because you were not avery good husband.
RUBBISH. WRONG. Just like YOU she is responsible for her own actions, and you for yours. No makes you do amything unless they are holding a gun on you. Dont dare fall for that line, even from yourself!!

I know that there is NO excuse for an affair. NONE. No matter what reasons you bring up or she brought up.. one fact .. NO EXCUSE.

So what do you do now?

well you end your affair no matter how you feel about the OW and tell your wife. Your feelings for the ow are a fantasy replacement probably for the needs your wife has not been meeting for you since her affair. Maybe they are part of the payback .. it was for me. I wanted to hurt my h as I felt he hurt me (not an affair by the way) so thats what I set out to do. All I did was hurt myself & the family. Thats what you are doing.

Do you deserve to be married? of course you do if thats what you want. The question is, is this an exit affair you wanted or as I said a kind of payback or quest for something that you find missing in your m? Perhaps a mix of all?

There is one simple fact .... you can have a marriage [or can let it go]. With a DD I'd say you probably want a marriage but not the one you had before her affair, during her affair and the one you have ended up with after her A and of course now with your affair.

The first step is simply to tell her. Yes its hard. I think I would rather die than ever do that again to anyone I love. but it has to be done.
Do you remember how you felt when you found out about your wifes affair? Do you want her to find out that way or by someone telling her?
Don't be surprised if she is not already suspecting something like this. Your actions have probably already alerted her to the fact something is really wrong between you.

DO IT. Isn't that something you wish had happened for you? If you had to find out then at least be told by your spouse.

Dont give excuses, get up, go see her, tell her gently as you can. but tell her.

Both of you have a lot of work to do in your M, but your DD deserves it.

Maybe not..BUT..Do you see at all how dangerous she is to get that close to your daughter...to your house...she is a PREDATOR...SNAKE CHARMER...

Don't you see it as your duty as a FATHER to PROTECT your daughter?

I get the sense that you do see this....

Make your CARE for your DAUGHTER a priority.

You're in my prayers today, HT...

LORD, DELIVER US FROM EVIL....

For God's sake, just end it with OW and tell your wife already. I'm getting sick of you. You came here for advice, and you know what you need to do, but you aren't going to do it (chickensh!t). I'm done wasting my time on you, and instead will post to more deserving posters that will actually act on the advice provided. Good luck.

Jim is certainly right that you do need to go ahead and DO THE RIGHT THING...

But stay hooked in here to us...don't go away...

YOU SURELY WON'T TELL HER IF YOU GO AWAY FROM HERE....

We know that a PART of you WANTS TO END IT with her...

and a LARGE PART OF YOU does not right now...

STEP OFF THE CLIFF AND SEE WHERE YOU LAND...

htsal,

Yes, we are really right. If you think you can just go one with things like they are, you are wrong. The lying and deceit will begin to rot your soul. You know this. You can feel it happening. You are unable to go long without thinking of how this is affecting you.

When you confess, you will have a firestorm of new problems and challenges. Your life may be miserable for some time. But all that pain and anguish has a payoff. You will be shed of the burden of the lies. You will no longer have secrets to hide, that eat at your soul.

The pain and anguish after you confess will all be stepping stones to restoring you marriage, living in the light and becoming comfortable once again in your own skin. Your soul will begin an amazing restoration.

Please don't do this over the phone, though; you need to be able to see the pain in your W's eyes. Person to person, straight up, confess to your W.

All Blessings,
SD

Tell me about it. Do I have a soul left?

Oh yes, you surely do.

Right now it's teetering at the crossroads waiting for you to decide which of the two scary paths you will take. One that may lead to "green pastures" and the other one that may lead to "sulfurous seas." Two paths that both start out over slender swinging rope bridges over what looks like bottomless chasms. One to your right, and one to your wrong. Neither choice looks inviting right now, but it's the eventual destination that is truly important, not the difficulty in getting there.

Stepping out in faith is often scary. Running and hiding seems easier, but it gets nowhere.

And what's that on the other side of one of the chasms? It looks like a group of others who also had to make the choice and are waiting to help you on your journey, as others before waited for them. But why only across one chasm and not both? Because there really is only one correct choice, as it is with most choices in life.

"Choose wisely, grasshopper"

hstal

"You won't ever regret doing the right thing! Nobody ever does!" ~ Heartsore

The very fact that you keep coming back to this thread, where you are getting advice that is completely contradictory to what you've been thinking....secrecy and denial....lends credence to the theory that you do, indeed, have a soul!

Keep thinking...it's good for you!

SD

typing this address is a hard www

I will tell her today thanks all

you guys got a place for me to live? lol (lol?)

htsal,

Good job, I recommend you be straightforward, complete and understanding. If you shade the truth with more lies and omissions, the burden will still be on your conscience, just get it all out there.
From a BS, it's better to hear it all, rather than have bit by bit dribble out over the course of several months, like my FWW did.

Best wishes, you're taking a turn for the light, even if it doesn't feel that way.

No way

God Bless You, HT...but that's a given..He has already laid his hands on you..as Mortarman would say, you are IN HIS ARMS...

Doing the right thing is often much more difficult than not, but doing the right thing will restore you as a human being, to a person you can be proud of.

These forums can be a blessing, a place for support, advice, or just a place to vent. Weekends and holidays are slower times, but there are many who post during the work week.

When you confess, you know you may be totally blasted by your BS. You will need to absorb a heavy dose of this, as you have it coming, so to speak. Remain calm and collected, and keep your eye on the prize....ultimately restoring your marriage. Please, no lovebusters! Or, she could be devastated and just crumble, and you may desire to comfort her, if she'll allow.

Have your wits about you and make sure whatever you do sends the following messages to your W. You still love her. You are remorseful for having engaged in an affair, and you hope to rebuild the marriage. It is important you communicate those things.

The do nots: Don't justify your actions in any way. Don't defend or "protect" the OW, don't make excuses, take full responsibility for your actions. Do not accept any rash decisions she may make in the throws of intense emotion.

It will take her a few days to come to terms with the flood of emotions. Give her space, buy her flowers, be there for her, and don't expect an immediate forgiveness and lots of hugs and kisses. Expect a cold shoulder until you can prove to her by your actions that you are sincere in your desire to rebuild the marriage. This will be a long process, much longer than is comfortable for either of you.

Have faith, stay positive, and know what you are doing is the right thing, easy or not.

BEst wishes,
SD

not going too good right now..funny that huh