Hello all,

I was hoping to get a little advice regarding my situation. I have never posted my info, so I will give a quick run down of what has gone on over the last 4 years.

I initially discovered the affair while cleaning up a pile of papers. In the pile I found a love note she had written to someone. After going through her email, I learned it was her boss. He also owns the company.

When she came home I flipped out. She said she was sorry, would end it immediately, blah,blah,blah. I didn't know about MB at the time, and things seemed to be getting better, so it was left at that. She was also 2 months pregnant with our son, so I think we figured the child would help get ourselves back on track.

About a year and a half later, I started getting the feeling something was not right. Looking through her work email, I learned that the affair was still ongoing. Again, I blew up, she said she was sorry, we moved on. At this point our son was born and a few months old.

Well, about a year and a half later, I start getting the same feeling. Sure enough, I was right.

At this point my wife gave me the ILYBIANILWY, said she never loved me, said we had too many issues, and wanted to move out and get a divorce. At this point I dove head first into trying to figure all of this out. that is when I found marriage builders. This was July of this year.

I started a plan A. Started to go to an IC to look at some of my issues. She went to an IC to look at her issues. Unfortunately, she focused more on the marriage with her IC, who basically told her 'if your husband is such a bad guy, and this OM is wonderful, then you should get a D and go be with other man'. She left that company, and the OM professed his love for her. He even went home, admitted the affair to his wife, and they have since separated and he is moving out on January 1st.

My wifes entire family knows about the affair. They put pressure on her, but she is very stubborn. They no longer see each other, bu talk every day. He is really pulling her to leave her family and come live with him. She goes through great lengths to hide the fact that she talks to him, but she knows that I am aware of everthing going on. He called her yesterday (thought she was at work) and I saw that he called and confronted my wife. She then freaked out saying that this was too hard, maybe she should leave, she doesn't know what she wants, she is confused, she can't stop talking to him, she doesn't know if she will EVER be happy with me, etc.

I am at the point where I have mentally prepared myself if she decides to leave. I just need some resolution to this situation. I love my wife with all my heart, but I can't go on like this. I feel like I have been in this ring for 4 years, and I have taken every swing thrown at me, and I am still standing. But a person can only take so much pain before they collapse. I can't seem to get her to stop talking with this guy, but she is still here (in body only)

Can you guys offer me some advice?

This is exactly what happens when affairees continue to work together; it leads to a never ending affair, which greatly increases the chances of divorce.

Through, your W has been cakeeating with 2 men meeting her needs for YEARS. She has no reason to end this affair. The truth is that the OM probably only meets 1-2 top needs and you meet 3-4, so she has had it real good for some time now. She would be crazy to break up this arrangement.

I would take a very hard look at Plan B. This has gone on so long that I can't think of anything that would be more effective to protect you frm her abuse and to end her cakeeating. This may be the wake up call that has never arrived.

Have you personally spoken to the OMW to ensure she knows all about the affair? What about exposing him to his family and in the workplace?

p.s. instead of waiting around for an insane person to make a decision about YOUR LIFE, why not take back control of your own life and start making your own decisions? This is why you are where you are today. You have placed yourself at the mercy of a crack addict.

ML,

What you said is pretty much what I expected. I have been trying to work through all the details surrounding Plan B for the last few weeks. I think my heart and my head have finally gotten in sync and I realize that this is something that will most likely have to happen.

I have not talked to his wife, but i confirmed his story through emails he sent to my wife (that she has no idea I see)He owns the comany she used to work for, so I don't really know who I would expose to there.

Expose their affair to the entire workplace so that it is common knowledge and makes their situation EXTREMELY unconfortable. I would also see what legal avenues were available considering he is her boss (and owner of the company). It's about time you stood up for yourself and your marriage. When I stood up for myself is when my WW finally took notice. You should probably do the same.

TTG, your first step should be to call up his wife and have a chat with her. The OM may have lied to your W about the state of his marriage. Even if she does know about the affair, she can be your greatest ally.

Does the company have a board?

Some things to think about logistically in Plan B, would be to try and get her to move out of your home. You would want to maintain full custody of your child so the child can stay in his own home. You would also need to take steps to protect your finances. This will all have to be ironed out before you go into Plan B. It would probably be best to get a legal seperation agreement to effect this and set up CS payments and ensure she continues to pay her share of the bills.


? What do you mean exactly?

through ,

Are you DNA positive that the child is yours?

ML,

What I mean is that I know in my mind that this was going to have to happen, but in my heart I was looking for alternatives because of the emotional pain this separation will place on me and my son especially. I think my heart and head are finally ready for this.

TTG

Cymanca,

DNA positive? No.

But considering my son is now 3 and is the spitting image of me (and my father) I am fairly confident. Even when I am out, strangers come up to me and say 'there is no doubt he is your son'.

Believe me, when I found out about this whole thing, I was completely freaked out by the idea that he may not be my son.

TTG

ML,

I am not sure if the company has a board. I will find out. I will also take your advice and have a chat with his wife.

I am not sure if it will make a difference, since she no longer works for his company. Does it make a difference?

If he still works for the company and it started while he was her boss, it might. It can't hurt anything.

through,

Everywhere I go , people tell me I am the spitting image of a younger Michael Douglas. My mom swears she never met Kirk

See how misleading emotions can be? Rather than resolving the problem, following them has only made this WORSE. Following them has actually led to greater emotional pain because it is has resulted in enabling the AFFAIR. Believe me, I know how overwhelming emotions can be but I only wanted to point out how misleading they can be. I would call them your greatest enemy here.

ML, I see your point.

It hurts to think that this may be the end. After the last time I found out and she started in with the 'I am not sure I ever loved you' etc. I really dove into trying to understand all I could about relationships and infidelity. I am suprised that I still have a job I have devoted so much time to this. But I have learned a lot and I think I have grown tremendously. At this point I just want to be able to tell my son, when he asks why mommy and daddy are not together anymore, that daddy did all he could to keep our family together. As long as I can look him in the eyes and tell him that (and truly know I did do all I can)I think I will be okay.

TTG, I don't think you should END your marriage at all. I think you should take your best chance at SAVING IT, by going into Plan B. The things you are doing NOW are the most likely to end your marriage because you will likely fall out of love and she will certainly never respect you if you continue to allow her to cake eat.

I know your son will be harmed from this. He is being harmed now. But in the long run this may be the action that saves your marriage. There are NO good answers for an affair, but this is the best option, IMO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

bump

throughtheglass,

I read your post on catgirl's thread that your WW was at home, but still in contact with the OM daily.

My heart goes out to you.

I once posted some advice that I wanted to pass along. If you are looking for a 2X4 for your WW, maybe this would be one.

Put up a picture of OM, or a big poster with his name on it in the living room, bedroom, everywhere you can.

Don't say a word until she asks why you did that.

Then very calmly say, "Well, since he's still in our marriage, I figured we had better make room for him until YOU get rid of him. Maybe YOU can explain to ME why he's still here. His picture/name stays up until your affair ends and NO CONTACT begins. You can explain it to everyone else."

It might make your point loud and clear.

I bumped this coz I liked SB's suggestion so much! (good one)

put another copy of his pix on your car ... like a "for sale" sign

(slug's NAME) is having an affair with my wife .... just drive around your usual places...

Pep