Well the past bit me in the butt again! The day before X-MAS FWH and I went out for breakfast.It was a place I never had been too before. In fact right next to where he used to have domestic abuse classes in the late ninties. He played it off and said we where there years ago.NOT! He even made up a convo we were supposed to have which would`nt have applied to back then. I told him he had gottin his women mixed up. It was all I could to sit there and stay calm. Which I did.Christmas day was nice very nice,even though that was on my mind, no talk about it at all.We need to discuss it and I don`t know even how to bring this up, it will just bring up more questions that he has`nt answered and chooses not to answer.Gosh we have been doing so well.

Aptiva,

I've read some of your posts, but can't recall your story, but I really do not come here very often and rarely post any more.

But this post touched me.

As you can see from my signature line, we are more than three years past d-day. I guess I can count myself lucky in that my FWH's A ended just before I discovered it (So FWH claims anyway). In any case, NC was pretty much immediate and I know that he will not ever contact her again.

Every once in a while, FWH will mention something about a movie WE saw, and I will know that it wasn't me who saw the movie with him. Although for the most part their A was carried out via phone and internet and during FWH's business trips [OW lives 3,000 miles away), I do know that she was in our area at least twice while I was out of town on business.

Anyway, there are still things that come into my mind that cause the pain to sort of refresh itself. At these times, I have to focus on the way things are now, and what I know to be true and what I also think is pretty certain.

FWH has never missed OW, he has no fond memories of her, and while I know that when I think about his affair and it still hurts me, I also BELIEVE that he also often thinks about what he did and how much he hurt me and that hurts him every bit as much as it does me.

We don't talk about 2003 anymore. We have said everything to each other than needed to be said and then some. But that doesn't stop either one of us from thinking about all that happened to us and how much it hurt us both. Although being the BS is no picnic and I certainly wouldn't want to do any of this again, I really have come to the conclusion that the role of BS might carry less weight and pain than that of the truly remorseful FWS.

Just wanted you to know that there are bad days and there are good days, but as time passes it gets better, mostly.

Who

Thank you for your reply. And I do expect triggers no doubt.As I drive past her house every week to buy groceries.Im ok with that now. Lies being covered by lies does not heal.He needs to learn that truth is the best policy, that is the best GIFT he can give to me, to US.

Aptiva,

I do agree. And I also think that there is a limited timeframe during which the truth can be given.

My FWH, tried to downplay his A by not being truthful with me. He mostly only came clean when it became obvious that I was figuring out details and coming up with evidence. On at least a couple of occasions shortly following d-day, he lied to me about specific questions. Both had to do with the number of visits OW made to this area.

I knew of only one but suspected that there had been more. He justified trying to lie to me by the fact that on two occasions, she had arrived even though he specifically asked her to not come to town.

Her standard routine was to show up and demand to see me so she could convince me to "let him go" so he could have a life with her.

That never happened, and it is a good thing because I suspect that I would have told her she could have him and thrown him out.

Of course, he didn't want anything more from her than sex and even that got old quickly when he started to realize that his A could very possibily cost him everything that was important to him. So even if we hadn't stayed together, his relationship with OW was done and over.

But, getting back to the lies. Even now, I am not certain that there isn't much he hasn't told me, but it is too late. More information now might just end our relationship.

The lies and uncertainty have taken their toll....we are recovered, but I don't feel as close to him even now as I would like to be able to.

Who

I hear you, mine never in 12-20 years ever came clean even with proof.He only covered up with more lies.Oh I did get a I loved her out of him only later,only to recanter I felt like you and the MC made me say it. But that is how he is. We were just talking about how we wanted or, I should say I said, how I wanted this marriage to be the best it could be.But I guess this is as good as its gonna get.I don`t like the idea of not being close because we have never been like that and I want this marriage to be much much more.We owe it to each other.I think going back into MC would be the best thing to do, though I know he won`t like it. I`m the type of person get things out on the table, deal with it and go on.So many issues unresolved.He needs to understand I have been here all those years and Im not going anywhere, he has nothing to fear except himself. You take care and God Bless

I so can relate to alot of what you say also.... but ~~ my H will not admit to one thing !! He could and has been convicted in the *Adultry Court* by me and everyone who knows our story.... and almost all information has come from his own lips !! but actually admit to cheating ---- nope...

Oh he has slippped up a million times and in so many words has admitted to it -- a broken heart, that I won... etc... but when actually talking about it.... no he will not admit to it at all.... very, very taxing... stuff comes up ALL the time... remember this, remember that ? nope, no that was not me... and the fight is on.....

Although I believe the A is over... certainly I am not sure... looking into a gps cell phone.. hoping that will work....

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you certainly are not alone with the ~ no, that was not me ~ stuff..... and --- did you ever receive your book ??

Carnation

Sounds like twins carnation2. Same thing. In fact we had a long talk last nite about it ALL. No to everything was his answer. Never had an affair in 31 years of marriage to me(eyeroll).Even dispite the proof of seeing him in bars with diff women, staying out all nite,coming in with boots unlaced,different shirts on,hair messed up,change of cologne,dyeing his hair,working out more,drinking more,becoming more abusive,money unaccounted for, oh list goes on. But you see, watch the body language, it tells it all. Even explained to him how lyeing makes the BS ask even more questions.Hence my questioning. Like I told our MC he is one tuff cookie.Yes I did get that book and thank you so very much. I had lost your email. I hope your X-MAS was a nice one.