I’ve read about how some wayward spouses can “compartmentalize” their lives to help resolve the internal conflict inherent in their betrayal of their spouse. The “affair” is in one compartment and the marriage/family is in another. As I understand it, some wayward spouses don’t have this ability so reconciling the affair is more difficult.

My thoughts are that I see this in my marriage and believe it may be a cause of some marital stress and was wondering if anyone else feels this way.

I don’t compartmentalize. When I say this I mean my family, work, church, friends, hobbies all run together. Success or frustration in one area affects the others. This, obviously, is good and bad. If I had an affair, it would affect my entire life by devastating everything – the guilt would destroy me.

My wife can compartmentalize. She can keep areas of her life separated and from affecting each other. I believe this is how she was able to “rationalize” her affairs. If ever there was a case of internal conflict it was her first affair – a fellow church member with whom she shared a ministry, one of my friends, married man, etc. Yet despite all the potential conflict, she was still able to carry out the affair for years with no problem (or at least without letting the guilt affect the rest of her life).

Where this causes stress for us in daily life is with projects at home.

Since I don’t compartmentalize, I carry success or frustration at work home with me. If I had a great day at work and lots of accomplishment, I don’t feel the need to “accomplish” much else in the way of painting or working on the basement or cleaning the garage. This doesn’t mean I come home and lounge on the couch or use it as an excuse for laziness. I still actively help with the necessary things: cleaning, dinner, helping with homework, driving our daughters to practice, etc. It’s the larger projects that are so important to my wife that I don’t have the motivation to work on. Sure there are times I see her frustration with lack of progress on a project and I put on my big-boy-pants and start working, but the motivation isn’t there.

If, however, I had a less than successful day at work or didn’t accomplish anything, I come home ready to make progress on these tasks – to have some sense of accomplishment for the day. Since one area affects all others, I try and compensate for one area by doubling efforts in another.

It’s the inconsistency in my apparent motivation level that frustrates my wife. One day I’m not interested in putting up anymore wainscoting in the basement, the next day I’m working on it with vigor.

My wife, on the other hand, compartmentalizes. She can make great progress at work (one compartment) but comes home (new compartment) and feels the need to get something done. She can be hugely frustrated at home but not let that affect her time with her friends (to any measurable extent).

I also see this in how we’ve dealt with her affairs.

The pain and fatigue of recovery has affected all areas of my life. I carry it to work, I carry it home, I carry it shopping, while driving, relaxing . . . There isn’t an area of my life that is free from the impact of her affairs. I’m eager to work on the problems and recovery because it has spread itself across my entire life.

She, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be having the same problems. Maybe it’s a wayward spouse vs. betrayed spouse thing, but I believe she doesn’t “think” about it while she’s at work or with her friends, etc. It’s only when she’s at home (her “wife/mother compartment”) that it is real. So she spends less time in this compartment and more time in the others.

Is there some other name for this phenomenon? I still feel like I’m dragging her through recovery some days and I’m trying to understand the dynamics.

Thanks for reading and your thoughts.

Artor,

What an interesting post and a unique way of looking at compartmentalization. One thing that I think it's important to say is that the "way" any of us "look" at things is not set in stone. If you are unhappy that you carry your emotions around with you or that the parts of your life bleed negatively into eachother.....you can make a conscious effort to effect that dynamic. For instance....what if you designed a scedule for the large tasks you have to do....that are not "tied" to motivation or what is happening in your work life....and you make a commitment to adhere to that schedule. What if you and your wife decide to schedule 15 hours of undivided attention a week.....no matter how compartmentalized she is....she can adhere to that if she wants to. In other words.....stop letting what ever proclivity you each have about avoiding certain unpleasant things (you both may have a "procrastination" problem LOL) and take steps to change that dynamic.

Your wife still has a "wayward mentality/mindset (the other name for this phenomenon)....and it's impossible to work through "recovery" with a wayward. I'm stunned how many folks will stay with an unrepentant spouse who is unmotivated to actually work on the marriage. For instance, did she follow through with MC? Has her email correspondence with other men stopped? If she's still spending the majority of her time in "another compartment" besides "yours"....then why do you tolerate that? What can you do to encourage reinvestment in the marriage, and stop enabling her independent wayward behavior? For one thing.....you must overcome your fear of losing her....because sadly, if things continue this way....you will lose her anyway. And you must overcome your OWN complacency.....and stop tying results at home to results at work....you don't have to! Stop compensating....and start planning. Recovery REQUIRES a PLAN.

Orchid often says that there is a spouse....and a wayward....you haven't gotten your spouse back yet because you've settled for living with a wayward. Lack of consequences equals lack of change. I saw in your previous posts that you were willing to move into an apartment so she could live with your girls. Whatever you do... don't you dare leave that house. If she wants to be where her daughters are....she needs to EARN it and restore your family, and waywards are not good parents no matter how good at compartmentalizing they are.

What kind of relationship do you have with her family?

Thank you star*fish for your feedback.

I have tried working at my "bleed over" problem in many ways over the years. Usually successful at not bringing negative stress from work into the home (no yelling, short temper, etc). I do think, as I'm trying to relate this, that motivation for home projects was an unseen consequence.

One of my wife's greatest ENs is Domestic Support. While I've always been good at helping with kids, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc, the "getting projects done" has been a recurring problem. A schedule is probably the way to go -- I just need to do it to show her it's important to me to finish these projects.

I don't believe there is any further/current contact with her OM. I feel she is trying to rebuild the marriage. I do believe, as I read your observations, that she is avoiding the "hard work" of recovery by spending time in other places. She really hopes that by pretending none of this happened and being extra loving that it will just all disappear.

I agree with you that I still live in fear she will leave if I press too hard. b0b Pure has wacked me around enough times about that. I have improved and made progress. I do agree with you that I'm enabling her to avoid the problem by allowing her to spend so much time away in "another compartment".

I have facilitated her "consequence avoidance" mentality and I have to stop.

I have decided to not move out as you recommend (and those that read my first post). She has, on numerous occasions, suggested we separate so I can work on "my issues". I told her that was not an option nor a path toward healthy recovery. If she brings it up again, I plan on simply asking her "where will you move?" to ensure she understands I won't be the one leaving.

Thank you for your insight. I did back off on pressure over the holidays and will ramp it back up after the first of the year. I don't know if this was wise or not, but I know the way things were going before Christmas she was building huge resentment toward me. Don't know where we'll be after I tell her we need to talk about her affairs some more, but she made the choice and now must pull her share of the load.

Thanks again.

Artor,

"Pressure" implies that you can somehow control what she does. That won't increase her desire to work on the marriage....that will increase her unhappiness. This isn't about "pressing"....it's about honesty and boundaries. Pressing is about trying to define HER boundaries....instead of yours. If you know the truth about her affairs.....then don't talk about affairs....talk about RECOVERY. Did she follow through with MC? Has she re-invested time and energy into the marriage? (If she hasn't....what are the consequences for not doing that?) Have you two scheduled 15 hours a week together? (She could work on those projects WITH you LOL and you guys could "neck" in the basement). Has she reinforced her marital boundaries to protect the marriage from future affairs? Is there radical honesty between you two? Have you ended lovebusters?

Lots of people survive affairs.....but fail to recover.

She won't respect you if she can walk all over you.....she probably won't love you either. Show her your strength....she needs to know that you "want" and love her very much....but you don't "need" her.

star*fish--

Painful. Lots of stuff. Requires a change in how I see this. I'm reaching for a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down . . .

Boundaries. I haven't been too good at enforcing mine. I have failed to enforce consequences for her violating them.

Honesty. I'm wrestling with this one. I told my wife in November that the holidays would be a struggle for me. Last year at this time she was up to her ornaments in an affair. She thanked me for "ruining her holidays" with this pronouncement. I told her I still have questions that need answering and shared "Joseph's letter" with her. Given her reaction and my (repeated) failure to enforce boundaries, I backed off of "stuff" for December. I didn't ask any questions, I didn't let her see my struggles, I just stuffed it all down and tried to give her and my girls a good Christmas. Was this dishonest? I convinced myself I was showing her what kind of marriage we could have.

I know that when I suggest we spend some more time discussing my questions and resumption of counseling she'll declare that all of December was a "lie" and I deceived her by pretending things were fine. I don't think I "pretended" anything. I told her in November it would be tough for me -- I just didn't let her see how tough it really was.


I'm not sure when one can say they "know the truth" about the affairs. I have questions I need answered. I think she's ready to answer them -- I hope she is.

We were in counseling in August/September but stopped when the counselor started saying some weird stuff and seemed to not be applying MB concepts. I resumed some individual counseling, but she steadfastly refuses to go back to MC because she doesn't want to be "drug through the mud" again.

She has been very loving and kind to me. Made me a beautiful scrapbook for Christmas of the "10 reasons she loves me". It took a lot of work. It is very special.

It gave me hope that she really does see something of value in me and maybe I've got something she can love. But at the same time, the 10 reasons she cited are things I did/was even while she was having her second PA and following EA.


Wow. This makes sense. I can see how it happens. I don't want it to be our case. Maybe this is something I need to take to her.

I've been in such a funk this whole holiday season I'm losing the will to fight. I'm so tempted to just let it all go and suck it up until I don't feel it anymore. I know that's a recipe for disaster, but it really is easier.

Thank you so much, star*fish.

Artor,

Hang in there, it's a tough road but worth traveling, as long as you and your FWS are both willing to do it. It sounds like she's making some positive steps but doesn't want to look back at the ugly truth that was her A. That's compartmentalization again and I saw it too. She and you need to understand what and how such a thing could happen, lest history repeats itself.

The holidays are also hard, I know I look back at pictures and think, "wow, we looked so happy there" - I didn't know what was happening behind the scenes.

I also think recovery hits a six month wall after D-day, when the WS thinks is this as good as it gets? MC can help moving the M forward, instead of being stuck in the mud.

Keep pushing the issues to improve your M, don't settle for less.

V/r,
No way

Artor,
My FWH has always been able to compartmentalize. Looking back, he sees he was able to e-mail OW from our dining room and then walk in to our bedroom. He turned one world off and another world on without thinking about one world when he was in the other world. Same with work world.

He is working on changing this aspect of his personality by talking to me about his day. He has never done this before. He feels that if he had talked to me about his day and his activities in his day, it would have been "in his face" that he was communicating several times a day with a former girlfriend and not telling me.

He is also sharing his private thoughts with me regularly. From him sharing his private thoughts, he became aware that 90 percent of his fantasy life had revolved around his high school and college days--re-playing baseball games in his head, re-living other activities from that era and changing the interactions within the activities--based on info he has acquired in adult life and experiences (primarily with me.)

He understands that this was not very healthy and probably helped him have the EA with former high school girlfriend. His interactions with her in the EA were an extension of his fantasy life--entertainment that had nothing to do with his real life (or so he thought.) He tells me he has been able to stop this aspect of his fantasy world and has replaced it with fantasies about us--activities we have done together that were a lot of fun for him.

Is your wife talking to you about all the different compartments within her life? Is she able to tell you about her fantasy thoughts? Maybe these are less threatening things that you can ask her about that are only possibly tangentially related to her affairs.

I notice in your post about compartmentalization that you relate it to your inablility to compartmentalize. What about her ability to compartmentalize??? The above suggestions are a couple of ways that she could possibly take a look at her world and make a few adjustments. I am one that cannot compartmentalize or at least find it very difficult to do so.
Lake

Artor,

Interesting topic, and I'd like to share some of my experiences.

Regarding compartmentalization -- I am a BH who too has felt he could compartmentalize his life. Work, some friends, home life, family life were all separate for me. Ex wife did the same. However, I think over time this lead to the construction of walls between us and contributed to her A.

After D-Day the walls between my compartments collapsed in an explosion of emotions. Work suffered. Home life was falling apart. After D-day I became really in touch with my feelings and emotions. I had made personal sacrifices and supported W as she persued personal hobbies. These hobbies greatly limited the recreational time W and I spent together, which ultimately contributed to the environment that led to the A. I had buried resentment in a big way, but had not acknowledged it. I thought I had it compartmentalized, but really had not.

However, other than guilt and the desire to flee the house (which she did), WW seemed resolute and determined. I was still looking for the license plate of that bus that left tire tracks on my chest.

What I've learned is this: We MUST compartmentalize to a healthy degree to function at the different aspects of our lives. We must exercise a certain degree of emotional intelligence and perform at work to provide despite problems at home and vice versa. However, we are human with human frailties and limitations. We must develop healthy habits so we don't let one aspect drag down everything else in our lives -- treat yourself somehow.

Good luck.