I updated my profile recently so my story is there...this is about what I nearly did. <P>I suffered a bit of temporary insanity recently that made me realize that I am not over the hurt and anger (which IMHO are the same). I don't even want to post this, but I need to...you people have helped me so much.<P>I have been on the net for three years and have spent that time being a regular at just a few places, bbs for stay at home moms, breastfeeding supports, kids and now here. I knew there was a lot more out there but never "strayed" from my comfortable little bookmarks. A few weeks ago, I don't know why, I ventured out beyond my comfort zone and "met" someone. This person and I emailed maybe half a dozen times. The attraction for me was that he was from "home" (H and I were transferred where we are now just two years ago and his OW woman was from our home). The correspondence was friendly, never more than that and we didn't exchange any info that would allow us to find each other IRL. <P>To do this I created a new email account and I was also chatting/flirting with people in a "club"...all very harmless, I thought. But, over the weekend I began to feel guilt and knew that what I was doing was wrong. Dishonesty is just wrong. I couldn't tell H because he would be hurt. But I couldn't figure out why I was doing this! <P>So, I wrote my "friend" and told him I couldn't keep it up and why. He agreed that my conscience was telling me that this was wrong for me. I said goodbye and I closed that email account. I changed my password to a string of letters and numbers I couldn't possibly remember to keep me from being tempted again. I learned how dangerous the internet could really be.<P>I didn't tell H and don't plan too. Since yesterday I feel like weight has been lifted off me...something that I have had for five months. For the first time since May, yesterday I pulled out my organizers (I'm a stay at home mom) I realized that I had put my life on hold. The joy and peace and comfort I have felt these last 24 hours is amazing.<P>Don't judge me please...I know you won't. Please be easy on me...I could use insight on this bizzare behavior of mine.<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

Joanie,<BR> What you did was normal--because you were craving the friendship and interest that your H hasn't been giving you. Maybe it helps to understand how he could get caught up in something more than a friendship.<BR> I have to confess something, too. Last year, I looked up an old BF on the internet--the one who wrote me about a month before I got married--asking me to not get married and telling me that he drop everything to come back and get me if I would marry him.<BR>I don't really know my motive in looking him up--maybe just to see if he still cared. At that time, I would have given almost anything to know that I was loved in a romantic way. Anyway, as it turns out, he just recently remarried after divorcing his wife (I think he was already in the process when he met his current wife.), so we have basically have done just a friendly chat and a few e-mails from time to time. His wife was a little concerned at first, because he had just finished telling her all about me. I reassured her, and she and I sometimes chat and e-mail to each other. I usually address all my e-mails to both of them--and sometimes send her a husband-bashing joke or two. <BR> So, anyway, our e-mail is just a once-in-a-while thing--nothing that we don't want our spouses to know about and read. I also never really loved this guy; just wanted to have some contact with somebody who had really loved me.<BR> I do think it's good that you realized what this could lead to. You're doing fine!

FORGIVE YOURSELF. you cauhgt yourself before it went too far. thanks for sharing, I know that it must have been painful. your courage is inspirational. as a former saty at home dad, i know the lonliness that it can bring. i too have been tempted. i too, strayed. i too have been "unfaithful" by actions via the internet. you are not alone. feel free to e-mail me if you wish,i know the lonliness. rrinkes@yahoo.com. if nothing else, everyone likes mail.

I admire you, joanie. I admire you for being able to pull the plug on it.<P>You are a wonderful person, a strong person. There are many of us here that wish WE had been so strong when our insanity began.<P>A simple no .... that's all it would have taken ... and so many of us wouldn't have ended up on this board!

Covenant:<BR>Doesn't it sound a bit inconsistent to be discussing the pitfalls of internet relationships and at the same time be asking someone to e-mail you directly? <P>We hear much, but learn little.<P>Flip

Good Job Joanie! (I love that name, it's my 8 year old daughters too!) Anyway, you did a good thing. Maybe it added some zest to your life and was like a quick vacation away from reality. But if you realized there was a problem with it and stopped it you are way ahead of yourself! Give yourself and big (((((HUG)))))))) and tell yourself you forgive yourself! God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

It doesn't sound like you need anything other than encouragement. You seem to have it pretty straight. And for that let the praise begin,<P>Good job of ending what you knew was wrong.<P>It sounds like you are finally settling (sp) into happiness. What weird thing to do huh?<P>I don't think you need to tell H about the "incident", but I would not resign myself not to. It could lead to more secrecy in the name of sparing spouse's feelings. Keep an open mind about it and it may never need to be told and then again it may. But for now Kudos!

flipper- good point. i thank you for your assessment. i'm sitting here a little embarrassed , yet kind of amused by my actions also. thanks again flipper

I knew you people would understand and I feel much better knowing that you know this about me. I don't like guilt...I don't wear it well all.<P>Sweetpea...I think I am craving interest from H. He gives me a lot of attention, but I queation whether he finds me interesting. That I will investigate.<P>Maya...yes, I was able to say "no" but at the same time I saw how easy it could have been to say "yes" and that scared me silly!<P>chick's..."vacation from reality" is truly what it was. Next time I'll have H take me to the beach!!<P>Paul...I believe that I am finally settling in to happiness...and that feels as strange as "normal" did way back when. Also I have decided to keep the matter open and not shut the door on telling H. There could come a time where he might understand and where it could be constructive...just not now.<P>covenant and flipper...*smile* to you both! Thanks!!

joanie<BR>I have only one thing to say to you:<BR>You are a fabulously good person!!!!<BR>Thank you for sharing with us. I think you are too hard on yourself.