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Joined: Nov 2006
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There was no stopping my wife's affair. She seems to think the other guy is definitely worth sacrificing our marriage. I did the Plan A thing for seven months. My lawyer says don't leave the house if you want your children, so I've never really been able to do the Plan B since she won't leave either and I can't throw her out.

So I filed for divorce cause that seemed like the only choice left.

From here on in the lawyers will duke it out over property and custody, but I have a question.

Is there anybody out there who felt this terrible loss of direction? I lived and worked for my family. I don't really like my job but I worked to provide a good home for my wife and children. My joy came from us being together and doing things as a family. Now that's gone. I guess the only thing left is providing for my children, but no one is really happy anymore. I deeply loved my wife. Now theres a kind of empty, lonely feeling, especially when she takes the kids for the day.

I did a lot of Christmas shopping. Walking around the mall, everyone seems to have somebody. I don't want to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but this loss of family leaves me without a sense of direction as to what to do and where to go from here.

Is this something you get over?

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I recently bought a new truck and then noticed, "Boy...a lot of people have an F250." It all depends on how you look at things as far as when you were shopping. It is CRITICAL that you view the glass half full, from here on out. My wife cheated, of course my life was turned upside down. I was the stay at home dad, an ex general contractor, maid, cook, housekeeper, and even homeschool teacher. My life was also revolving around my family, as it should have been. Be thankful that this guy has your wife to deal with, remember all her crap? This is looking at the glass half full. Remember it!!!

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Oh, Mickey, most of us have felt the same way. You sound like a great guy, and if the divorce does happen, someone will snap you up. Our MB trained men are in high demand.

But I know how you feel, having someone to share the joy in life with. I used to avoid the malls, the county fair, the movies. It seemed like I was the only one not part of a couple.

The feelings you have a part of grieving, and is something you just need to go through to get to the other side. I promise you things do get better.

Joined: May 2006
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Mickey,

I think I know exactly how you feel. Funny thing about guys like us, we're brought up to focus on providing for our families. When the family breaks up, we're lost.

Well, you still have your children, and you still have you. Take whatever can be learned from this tragic experience and build a new life. You can't help but be a more understanding person as a result of this experience, and MB will help you become a better spouse in your next relationship. There are lots of good women out there; women who want the same thing you want, who hold the same values.

You will continue to be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. There will be times when you become depressed when you think about what has been lost. But you are only defeated when you concede defeat. Be determined to make yourself better than ever, understand that bad things happen to good people, but don't allow them to keep you down.

Good luck.

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Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. I know you are all right about this. I just have to get to that point of accepting the situation and moving on.

I still think about beating the crap out of the OM though. Can't do it without risking custody.

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Know the feeling Mick, I had to finally file for D from EX WW when she decided to trash everything that was once important to her for an old, serial cheating OM she met at work. Well suffice it to say she lost custody of our son to me (18 months old), respect of our step daughter, her dignitiy, my family (who loved her), friends and everything else for this loser OP.

Don't give in to your primal urge. I was there with you and he can thank God in heaven for our son's existence else he would have gotten the tail whipping of a lifetime. I am like you and couldn't risk it. I am so glad that I kept my composure. Keep in mind that she is probably recording everything you say and do and you should be doing the same.

You will get better, I know I am. You will also see things in your EX WW that you tried to ignore in the past that you don't like or appreciate. They will magnifiy themselves when she is your EX (and hopefully you have custody).

What state are you in? In some states you can file alienation of affection against the third party (OM) and punish him or serve justice in that manner since you can't do what he really deserves for helping to destroy your family. There are about 5-6 states that still allow this. Also, there could be a case for intentional inflection of emotional distress or some other tort that you could go after him on. If nothing else than to make his life miserable along with WW.

Get a ruthless lawyer and listen to him but remember this is YOUR case and you need to provide information, help, live a clean life, tell him/her the truth, etc...so they can help you through this.

Hang in there. It will get better.

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hopeandpray, thanks for your input. Yes, I am very angry and I feel helpless. I know from friends that this guy is just using my wife for sex. She thinks she's in love with him. I feel like I could really scare him off with a direct confrontation but as you say I can't do it without maybe losing custody.

But I lay in bed at night thinking about knocking his block off for what he has done to my family. Yes, I know it takes two, but my wife is very naive. She doesn't understand sexual predators like this jerk.

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Mickey - Would you mind recapping your whole story? I was checking your posts and missed it. The only reason I ask is just wanted to check that nothing that needed to be done was missed.

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believer, I am 48 years old and my wife is 40. We've been married almost 7 years and have two children aged 5 and 7. I always thought we had a good marriage. My wife told me that she loved me and I loved her as well. We got along great and shared many interests. I know now that we didn't spend as much time together as we should have. Never got close to 15 hours a week, but with us both working full time and having small children, that can be hard to do.

I guess she started her affair in the summer of 2005 and I didn't figure it out until spring of this year. I found MB within a week and got the books. Started Plan A, exposed to members of her family. She had one close friend who already knew before I did. The OM's wife knew before me and left him. Wife's reaction to exposure was to get angry and move out of the bedroom into one of the kids rooms. Said she wanted a divorce. She kept going to see the OM. Said she was in love with him, not me. Found out from friends that this guy has had lots of affairs.

She wouldn't go to counseling with me or by herself. I called Steve H. and counseled with him until it became obvious that another thousand dollars or two wasn't getting me any closer to saving my marriage. Like they say, if she won't stop the affair nothing I do can save the marriage.

Here it is a year and a half later with no signs that it is slowing down. My lawyer says don't move out because you hurt your chances of getting custody of your kids. Dr. Harley agreed and said I should try to stick it out for two years, but I can't do that. It kills me every time she leaves to go meet him at some motel. My resentment is building and my frustration sometimes causes me to lose patience with my kids, which was never a problem before.

I still love my wife but she treats me like I'm in the way of her happiness. On rare occasions I see the woman I married, but most of the time she is b*tchy and mean.

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I would at least try and kick her out of the house. Next time she goes to the hotel to meet up with OM, I would change the locks and dump all her crap on the curb. That would teach her that you are standing up for your boundaries. If she comes back in, dump her crap back out again. Eventually she might get tired of getting her stuff thrown out on the curb. If she doesn't, then throw it in the trash. Financially cut her off. I'm of the firm belief, if it doesn't hurt you legally too bad to try and stand up to defend your boundaries, then just do it. Regardless of what your lawyer says, I don't think a judge will look very unfavorably on you if you dump her stuff to the curb when she goes to have sex with another man. The more consequences there are to her actions, the more likely she is to snap out of it. Just don't argue or love bust afterwards.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Thanks Jim, but I'm afraid that would quickly turn into a tit-for-tat thing. We both own the house. She could do the same to me when I'm at work, you know, like throw my computer in the street?

Once the divorce goes through she will see the consequences and things will get much harder for her to stay in fantasyland.

Who knows? Maybe it will jolt some sense into her and we can get remarried. Ha!

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How long before your divorce is final?

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believer, the soonest it could happen would be two months, but she can put up a few roadblocks to stretch it out. She would delay it because money wise she is not in a position to go it alone and she won't get any help from the jerk.

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Mickey,

That fact that you've stuck it out for seven months in the house with your WW while she flaunts an A says something about your patience and stamina. You are to be commended for sticking it out. Nobody can blame you for throwing the towel in. Just remember, you don't deserve this. You didn't sign up for THIS when you married or brought children into the world.

Just some thoughts to help you.

* I must believe this is the worst seven months of your life, so just remember while you're in the depths it will get better. I feel and pray for you, buddy.

* The desire to beat the crap out of the OM will continue. I hope you two never cross paths. Resist the urge to do something stupid. (PS, I still get the urge).

* I understand completely the rudderless feeling at having your family broken, sacrificing at a job to build a little life, only to have the WW selfishly undermine it. The fact she may later regret it is of no consequence now. Grieve it appropriately, because it is a loss.

* May I suggest reading the book "Rebuilding When your Love Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. That book outlined an emotional path to feeling confident in your future singleness. It takes time. (I'm still working my way up the mountain).

* Since you've been through D-day and have been perservering through the last seven months, you may already know this (but just in case): Eat healthy, don't abuse drugs or alcohol, exercise, stay active and busy, grieve when appropriate.

Good luck to you.

HL


Hardlesson BS: Me (41) FWW: XW (40) Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13) DDay: 6/3/2006 M: 19 years Divorced: 10/4/2006 Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
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Hardlesson, thank you for the great advice. I really appreciate it. I will get Fisher's book.

The only thing that gave me the patience to hold out all these months was my children. Even now I choke up when I think that at some point soon I will have to tell them the bad news. I know that it is very important to make them understand that it isn't their fault and that mommy and daddy both love them.

Maybe it was a mistake in making my family the all important focus in my life, but that was the way my father was and it seemed the right thing to do.

As far as drinking and drugs and stuff, I've never had that problem. I've seen too many lives destroyed by those things. I'm in good shape physically and actually in much better shape than most at 48.

I can't help noticing you were married 19 years. It amazes me that so many people will cheat and risk destroying such a long term relationship built on so many memories. How are your daughters dealing with this?

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Mickey,

Regarding the kids: They seem to have adapted. The 13-year-old went through a period where she cried herself to sleep every night for eight weeks while we were going through the chaos. The other two kids (2 and 10/special needs) don't understand. One sad aspect is the 2-year-old will never know what it is like for her mom and dad to live and love together. For the 13-year-old, it will just be a memory.

Regarding Ex throwing away marriage: I think that fact hurt me the most. Whatever problems we had (real or perceived) ex ran away from them, discounted our relationship and tossed everything we built aside. She sold us all short -- herself, me, our entire family.

HL


Hardlesson BS: Me (41) FWW: XW (40) Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13) DDay: 6/3/2006 M: 19 years Divorced: 10/4/2006 Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
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That is so sad for your girls. And I imagine your ex is still seeing the other guy?

I'll never be able to understand this. Guess I'll just have to learn to accept it without understanding why it happened.

If the tables were turned I just can't imagine leaving my wife for someone else. And then sacrificing the time to be with my kids every other week or whatever -- it's crazy.


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