Have been married for 21 years and have for all intents and purposes the world by the b****. Own a small business which has been very successful in its 11th year. Beautiful home, swimming pool, airplane, and all the acutriments of success.

Now, my personal life seems to be falling apart. I am 45, wife is 44, and DS is 7. Wife and I in counseling for 2-1/2 months, and we seem to be drifting farther apart. I can't help but believe there is someone else-- MC has put us in IC over period and she recognizes some signs/symptoms as well. I am at my wits end and that is what has brought me here.

I grew up in great American household, wife in great american nightmare (alcoholic father split at age 6). We dated briefly in high school, than got back together my senior year of undergrad. Got engaged while I was in grad school (1900 miles away)... I later found out (she told me) she was unfaithful after our engagement. I simply say this to identify this capability. She is the only woman I have ever had SF with.

I sincerely believe my wife is hpd (histrionic personality disorder). I didn't know what this was until recently. She is beautiful and very vane. She awakens at 5:00 AM to prepare for tennis/and or a workout, takes my son to school at 7:30, comes home and re-showers/gets cleaned up, and is ready for the day by 1-2 PM. This is her typical weekday. Our Sunday church service is at 10:45 AM, and although we rise at 6, we are habitually late (anyone else no the type.. she will fill any time she has available getting ready!) She was hypochondriatic when younger, the manifestations of this disorder change with time, but it is always lurking. Of course, over 21 years there is alot to the story.

She readily admits that her "life" now is about the tennis club/ working out, which has been developing about 2 years but which has become a full time job since my son started all day school in August.

Over the course of our marriage, she has attempted a variety of jobs with limited success. Doctor's office politics or some other conflict generally ended these engagements. I never really needed her working so it wasn't a big deal and I'm glad she was with my boy. She has a housekeeper and her responsibilities are my son's care (which I share in probably only 20% though, laundry, and the preparation of 2-3 meals per week, which I help with/cleanup after).

Since her focus on the tennis club, the withdrawal from her family and I has been dramatic. We live 300 miles away from family, but she used to be very close to them via telephone and visits and now is bothered by their calls. Over the majority of our marriage, I felt that she was so supportive and encouraging to me, made great sacrificies, and was on board. Now we seem to be at odds.

The workouts- with a female physical trainer- have put her in the best shape of her life. I am not out of shape (size 34 waist size 45 chest, weight 205 h 6')... but was better when I was 19.

The signs she shows of having an A are as follows--

1. -- Withdraw and negativity towards me-- the feelings are gone... the I love you but not in love with you.
2. -- Strong focus on body- this is new and is becoming obsessive
3. -- Lack of SF- over 2 months... generally once per month over the past year
4. -- Victoria Secret account- claims that there underwear "don't bunch up" but there are pairs of lacey underwear in that drawer that I have never seen her wear-- but I don't check that close.
5. -- Reluctance to attend church/ bored while there- only went one of past 4 weeks, said she is always thinking of something else during sermon
6.-- Distracted all the time- her mind always seems to be somewhere else..
7. Weird conversations- minister was talking about friend who came in his office asking for one good reason not to have affair with woman in his office..... ended up killing himself.. wife says "the motivation to be happy is so strong".
8. Another conversation- "what is so important about having a long term (50 year) relationship with somebody- what is so great about it?"
9. "I have built another life (the tennis club) and I don't care if you want to be part of it- in fact I don't want you to".
10. " All the things the MC wants me to do- I've already been through that and it doesn't work"
11. Change of grooming in her netherlands- not at my request.

On the other hand, there is no circumstantial evidence regarding cell phone use, computer use (I am adept, she is not), going out at night, anything. I have confronted her 4 times or so... as follows

1. "You are withdrawing from your family and I- who are you drawing to- Her- starts sobbing, "my tennis team partners (all female)"

2. "She- I'm doing something great and you turn it into something wrong-- you just want to control me"

3. Me- the MC thinks some signs are there She- "I will talk to her about it"-- but she never does.

4. The MC- "Are you doing any of your appearance perfection for your husband (me)... she "No after 20 years it just doesn't matter- it is for me".

The only opportunity would be the time she is at/allegedly at the club-- I have driven by there several times and went inside a couple of times with nothing unusual.

As for me, I have done a 180 over the past 2 months and have eliminated all LB, which we both were guilty of in the past. She has admitted to the MC how good I have been but thinks its just temporary.. but I like myself a lot better... I am just much calmer and back to what I was at 18 years old. I am like a little boy having fun with my son.

She says the MC is doing no good but I say the exact opposite-but the situation is not getting better.

As you can imagine, there are reams and reams to this story- but is this just a person trying to "find themselves" or a person who has "found another".

Thanks

Welcome to MB Whatshap, although I'm sorry for the circumstance that brings you here.

From reading your post, I'd conclude your wife IS having an affair. The good news is you've found the place that gives you the best chance in not only surviving it, but recovering from it.

A few questions:

1. Is your MC a PRO-marriage counselor? Or skilled in Marriage Builder principles?

2. Have you read much on this site yet? Or have you purchased any of the Harley's books?

Jo

Also, I don't mean to alarm you but we have had a few posters who have discovered affairs where the affair partner is of the same sex. Please don't discount that as a possibility.

Jo

1. Is your MC a PRO-marriage counselor? Or skilled in Marriage Builder principles?

2. Have you read much on this site yet? Or have you purchased any of the Harley's books?

My marriage counselor is very pro marriage and she wants to bring us closer together.

I have read alot on this site over the course of a month.. I view it as a great resource.

Thanks

So are you thinking it could be a lesbian relationship?

Your (W?)W has known you for over 21 years, which unfortunately also means that she knows you well enough to hide her A from you, if she's involved in one.

I thought it was impossible for my FWW to get involved in an A - yet she managed to carry one on under my nose for two years, and I only found out about it when she admitted to it.

Have you thought about hiring a PI?

To gain confirmation that this is indeed an affair, I suggest hiring a PI to tail your wife. You need proof so you can formulate your Plans.

In the meantime, sounds like you have already stepped into Plan A, so honing that should be your goal for now.

Jo

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair". It will educate you as to the dynmamics of an affair, and how marriages become vulnerable.

Read about Plan A and stay in it for as long as you can.

Hire a PI, you've already stated you have the means... use the resources. Most WS's will not admit to anything even after evidence is presented, but some will crumble almost immediately.

Work on yourself. Continue those things you've done in the 180. Remember this, no one thing you do makes a difference. It's the cumulative effect of ALL you do that makes a difference.

You might add a signature line with your current "stats" so people who want to help have a ready reference.

Best wishes,
SD

I thought it was impossible for my FWW to get involved in an A - yet she managed to carry one on under my nose for two years, and I only found out about it when she admitted to it.

Have you thought about hiring a PI?

Thanks-

about 2 months ago- she said "hire a PI, I don't care" I said "how do you know I already haven't"... the thing I remember next is about how hard she swallowed.. then she "Fine.. I've done nothing wrong".

The MC also commented about the same sex affair.... just saying in this day and age..

I suggest that you don't try to bluff your (W?)W into admitting an A unless you already have specific evidence that the A is actually happening and you're only looking for confirmation on the details. If you try to bluff her into admission, you'll more likely drive her to go even further "underground" with the A.

Whatshap,

Your gut is telling you things don't add up. Almost every BS thats come here had that same feeling in their gut before it was finally confirmed.

Hiring a PI will give you peace of mind either way.

Also, IMVHO, your wife's comment above, if it is indeed a lesbian relationship, is saying "its a girlfriend to girlfriend relationship, so its not like I'm cheating on you with a male".

Jo

I suggest that you don't try to bluff ...

that is some darn good advice

Thanks

Even if it is a lesbian relationship, it can be treated as any other affair. It is an addiction, not unlike crack or alcohol. Whatever it is going on, you need to get to the bottom of it, so you can make constructive choices on how to make it better.

Read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, founder of this site. Most of the advice given here is based on his principals. It will all make more sense to you once you've read the book. In the meantime, get a PI on the case, and consult people here on the boards to do the best things in the best order, to get your marriage off the rocks!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks




has anyone known anybody like this-- it describes my wife to a tee.

I looked at the symptoms of HPD. The OW that my FWH had an EA with stated she is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. bipolar disorder is successfully treated with medications and in conjunction with other types of talk therapy. She seemed to be reasonably successfully treated with her meds and talk therapy.

Still, she exhibited many of the symptoms of HPD: Need for center of attention, shifting emotions, focus on physical appearance, dramatic behaviors, aim to please and impress, suggestibility, overestimation of intimacy. She also had symptoms of hypochodria.

What I am saying is that you can't really diagnose your wife. She needs a good psychiatrist to do that.

One reason I am reminding you of this is that bipolar disorder can be treated quite successfully with medications and the treatment has gotten better and better over the past several years. When I read your link to HPD, there was a statement that it was not treated with medication. Again, only a good psychiatrist can make these diagnoses and resulting treatment in conjunction with your wife.

Also, hire a PI and find out the truth. Your W's words mean nothing right now. You are not getting accurate information from her talk. You need another source of information and from what you describe, the way to go is a PI.
Lake