I will try to make this short. I have been married for 20 years. High school sweethearts and have 3 young children.6 years ago I found out my h had been having an affair with a woman for 9 mos. We separated 1 month and really worked hard to restore trust and save the marriage. 6 months later i found there was still phone conversations. I said i was finished but he was sorry and sincere in his efforts to work on us. We have done great for all this time, I stopped checking up on him several years ago, trust restored not looking at phone bills etc. 2 months ago while getting breakfast for the kids before school, his phone was on counter and a text came through.I read it and was shocked by what I read. When I asked him he denied it was her again.I had to hire a investigator to find whos number it was and sure enough it was hers. I asked how long have you been talking, his response 6 weeks. Not believing this I got our company phone records and found that there has been contact for 1.5 years. He swears nothing happened sexually but I find that hard to believe when 6 years ago he almost left me and my 3 small children for her. She lives in the same town and this has just tore me apart. He has lied and deceived me once again.I dont know what to do. My kids know nothing about this and I am afraid to put them though this turmoil.I dont know if I can move forward. He opened a wound back up that I worked so hard to overcome and I did. Can you forgive again? Is this a pattern that is never going to change?

Well, yes, you must forgive, from the standpoint of releasing your anger and your hatred toward him.

The other part of forgiveness that involves restoration may be a lot more difficult to accomplish, this time. It will be difficult to ever restore any trust.



My first thought is, yes, this is a pattern. I can't, of course, say that it will never change, but it hasn't in 6 years. If there was any REAL change, the affair would not have resumed.

palmco, something must change in order for something to change. Otherwise you will be dealing with this for 10 more years. I would start off by exposing this affair. Expose it to her H, her family, your family, his family, your pastor, EVERYONE.

What is happening here is that this affair HAS NEVER ENDED. And as you can see, you should continue to check up on him until the affair REALLY stops. All that has happened is that it goes underground a little farther.

Exposure will cause great harm to the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. It is much harder to carry on an affair when everyone is watching and knows about it. It also causes great conflict in the affair when the affairees are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others when asked to explain the affair. This often deals a huge blow to the fantasy aspect.

Do they work together?

If you are not assured that the affair has really ended after this, then you would want to go into Plan B, which is complete seperation.


You will probably have to move if this affair is ever going to be effectively killed. More on that later.

Get the book, Survivng an Affair by Willard Harley as quickly as you can. They sell it on this website cheap, with fast, cheap shipping.

Melody Lane,
Thank you for the input. I was looking at getting the book and I will do so if this will help. Moving will be difficult on the children, but if it is the only way for me to keep my sanity I may have to. I am always looking for her car so I dont run into her at the store etc.

I think I would spend the $200. to phone counsel with the Harleys. Moving might work, but with such long time contact, it may not. I just read a thread yesterday where the couple moved, and the OW showed up in the new town.

Is the OW married?

Your husband has no motivation to change his pattern. Every time you discover, he simply waits till the smoke clears then goes further under ground with his adultery. He thinks he has all the leverage. I also somewhat think your H believes you can't survive without him, which we all know is bunk.

Like Mel and a few others recommend, I'd plan an explosive exposure impacting all sides of their affair in one strike. Then I'd recommend a short but pristine Plan A, and depending on results, into Plan B.

Jo

believer, we know that NOT moving does NOT work. Probably the ONLY chance this marriage has is if they DO MOVE.

So if we are looking for guarantees, the only guarantee she has is that the affair WILL CONTINUE if she continues to live there. SHE HAS ALREADY PROVEN THAT.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Yep, you are right. But it still depends on her husband's attitude. So far, I'm not impressed.

I think this one needs to go to the Harleys.

I did 3 and a half years time in H*LL, and that was plenty for me. The longer the affair goes on, the harder it is to recover. I am quite curious what the Harleys would say.

And Harley says this -

" In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree. "

Divorce him. You don't want to wake up two years down the road and go through this again. You gave him... you gave your M... the chance it deserved. He blew it. Send his butt packing. So I would agree with Dr. Harley as believer has quoted him.

I am sorry you are going through this.

In one of my sessions, Steve Harley said this to me regarding my sitch almost verbatim.

Thanks so much for the input. What is plan a and plan b? Please explain in detail. Thanks again. this is all new to me.Plan b is separation correct? We have done this last week. He says we will not move out of town. "I wont have her drive us out of here" is his response. I said I will do what I have to do with or without you. If I need to move for closure that is what I will do. I was advised to make no life changing decision right now because it is all fresh and I am thinking out of anger, hatred etc.

yes she is married for the 4th time and has 3 children by 3 different men. She is a piece of work

Can you afford one call to the Harley's? Expensive, but worth it.

Hi Palmco,

I agree with Believer that if you can afford it, schedule an appt with Steve Harley. Its well worth the $$. It will help you know which direction to take and whether the Plans should be used for your situation.

We're here for you hon.

Jo