Hi, I am new here. Let me give you some background to my marriage.

DH and I have been together for almost 5 years, but just recently got married about 6 months ago. Our dating relationship was very rocky in the beginning. I found out after I got pregnant with our child that he had cheated on me, and I left him for it. After our son was born, he became very involved in his life and became a great daddy.

We talked a lot when he would come to visit our son, and he expressed great remorse for cheating, and swore he would never do it again because it really messed with his head. After several months of us talking when he would come for visitation, we got back together. I was really skeptical and was fearful that he would cheat again, but I don't think he ever did, or if he did, he kept it very well hidden. I honestly think he was true to his word and never did.

Fast forward to last year....We were having some really difficult times with us constantly fighting, and we decided it was best that we split up for awhile. After we split up, he started seeing this other woman. They dated for a couple of months, but then he ended with her because he missed me and wanted to do what it took to repair our relationship. We decided to get back together and make things work. A few months later, he asks me to marry him, and I accepted. We got married a couple of months after he asked me.

After we got married, my DH saw his exgf at a company meeting with his job. She worked for another company that was involved with his client. When she saw the ring on his finger, she flipped out. It was a weird situation, and too long of a story to get into here.

Then 3 months later after they saw each other at that meeting, my DH decides to take a new job, working where his exgf works. I was very nervous about him taking this job because his exgf is not over him at all. I didn't want to tell him not to take it because this job is a great job and he is making double what he was at his old job. He assured me that I have nothing to worry about with her.

I have had my issues since then, and have been scared that she was going to do anything to split us up. I know that she works directly with him, which I don't like at all. I know that she calls him all the time when he is on his way home from work. I have looked through his cell at times and saw this. I know that they email and IM at times, but he doesn't hide it at all. Most of the time it is business related, but sometimes it is on the surface personal, such as "You should listen to this new song called...I think you would really like it."

During the times that I really struggled with this, DH and I have talked about it. He has told me that she has admitted that she does still have feelings for him, but knows that he is married and is trying to get over him. She has even asked him 2 or 3 times if she should just give up hope of them ever being together again. Uh ya! He is MARRIED!

After awhile, I started feeling better about everything and wasn't having any issues at all until yesterday and today. I know this is going to be TMI, but yesterday, I went looking for a sex toy because I wanted to have fun with DH when he got home last night. I wanted to have it right on top in the drawer I keep it in. Well I couldn't find it. It has disappeared. There isn't any other place that we keep this toy accept for in this drawer. So that has me weirded out. It is gross to think that he or anyone would take a sex toy to go use on someone else. I never mentioned anything to him about it, but I did decide to do some investigating in emails.

I logged on to his computer this morning to look through some emails. I didn't see anything questionable except for one little thing. There was an email from her to him during the first part of December saying something like "Thank you for listening to me today. It really helped me a lot. MM" He responded with "What does MM stand for? So does this mean than any time I need to talk, that you will be there to listen too? You know just because we don't say it, doesn't mean it isn't true." WTH does that mean? I took it to mean that just because they don't say that they don't miss each other or love each other doesn't mean it isn't true.

I really want to believe that my DH isn't doing anything he isn't supposed to be doing. It just scares me because of past infidelity. Not only that, but it seems that DH has been too nice lately. He usually isn't a super affectionate type of guy, and over the last few weeks, he just can't seem to keep his hands off of me. That scares me even more because he was just like that when he had been cheating on me early in our relationship. I hope to God my suspicions are wrong. I am just really scared to go snooping even more because my DH works in IT and anything I would do with his computer, he would probably know about. I am also scared to even be typing this here because I don't know how to even detect if he has a monitoring software on my computer to see what I type and stuff.

Anways, this has gotten too long. Thanks for reading.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. It sounds like your husband is a serial cheater, which is a whole nother story. MB stuff probably won't help him, until he addresses his problem.

I suggest that you go to counseling by yourself and figure out why you would even consider having your husband work with a woman who is constantly hitting on him.

When the toy shows up again, toss it.

Don't use a software version of a keylogger because some anti-virus softwares can detect the programs. Instead invest about $100 on a keylogger than attaches to the cord that connects his computer to his keyboard. As long as you are acting normal he won't even think to look for it.

Ok, I am curious how he is considered a serial cheater, when he cheated on me once 4 1/2 years ago, but hasn't since then. Please explain.

As far as him working for a woman who is constantly hitting on him, I have no control of him on where he works and what he does. Yes, I could've told him "I don't want you to take that job.", but what good would that do? I did tell him I was uncomfortable, and we talked about it, but I could never tell someone what they could and couldn't do as far as their career. When he took that job, he wasn't even supposed to work with her at all. It just turns out that after he started working there for few weeks, his boss wanted him to work directly with her department. He can't control where his boss wants him to work either. That is why they have the contact that they do.

And, yes, if the toy does show back up, it will go in the trash.

I could never do that. He is always doing something to modify his desk surroundings and moves the computer a lot and he would surely find it.

If he is always moving the computer around then he likely knows all about key loggers and is checking regularly to make sure one is not installed on his computer. Think about it? If he is so concerned about having his computer monitored by you then he surely must have something to hide.

I think it may have been coincidence that brought him and OW together at the conference but do you really believe that it's a coincidence that he just so happens to take a job where she works at only 3 months later? Sounds like they have been in contact all along. The sex toy thing is just disgusting and filthy but WS will sink to lows that you would never imagine possible.

Do not suppress your instincts. If you feel scared and nervous that something isn't right then it's likely that something isn't right.

I also wanted to add this:One would think that after cheating on you with that woman that your husband would avoid her at all costs. Instead of doing that he get's a job where she works and starts up a secret friendship with her. You have a really good reason for feeling scared.

Hello, and welcome to MB. I am struck by how many things you consider to be coincidences when they probably aren't at all.

From what you have posted, I would bet that your WH has never stopped seeing this woman and that it's no accident they just "happened" to end up working together. He is playing you and doing what all want to WH do - have a wife *and* a girlfriend at the same time.

You can be sure that he lies to her the same way he lies to you, and for the same reason - to string you both along and have both a wife *and* a girlfriend.

I'm sorry you have to be here. It looks to me that you have a confirmed fence-sitter and cake-eater on your hands. Are you willing to do what it takes to knock him off the fence?
Mulan

I don't think he is concerned about me monitoring his computer at all. It is me concerned about him monitoring me and finding out I am posting here. If he was concerned about me, I don't think he would keep his email logged in all the time instead of making it where there has to be a password typed in. I also think he would password his user name so I couldn't get into it at all. I really think if he was hiding something, he would go through everything he could to make sure I couldn't get in to his computer at all.

I do know for a fact that it was complete coincidence they were in that conference together. She supported the software for DH's client, and he was their regular IT support guy. They knew each other 6 months before they ever dated, only because she was the contact for the software support. No, I do not believe it was coincidence they are now working together. I know that she had been trying to get him to hire on there for a year, even before they started dating. I know they had been in contact because every time he talked to her, it was always in front of me. They would discuss business because the client was going through a major server upgrade, then he would start talking to her about how unhappy he was at his job, and she was the one that told him about the position there. All of this was done in front of me, so I didn't see it as him hiding her from me.

This whole missing sex toy really has me the most freaked out at this point. What is going through my imagination is just nasty, and I really hope that is not the case at all.

I really just don't know if I can trust my insticts, and that is part of why I am here. In my relationship before my current DH, my ex cheated on me several times. I know about 5 of them, so who knows how many I didn't know about. I never suspected he was cheating at all. He just came out and told me out of pure guilt. When he told me, I was 7 months pregnant with our son, and we were 2 weeks away from getting married. So ever since that last relationship, I live in constant fear that I am going to be cheated on again. I live in even more fear of it because my now DH cheated very early on in our relationship. You would think that since he hasn't cheated in 4 1/2 years, I shouldn't be so worried, but I am.

And just to clarify, DH did not cheat on me with this woman that he is working with. We were completely broken up for several weeks before he started dating her. The girl he cheated on me with was back when he was in college 4 1/2 years ago.

This is exactly what I was afraid of. I just don't know what to believe because DH and I are getting along wonderfully. We haven't had a fight in I don't know how long, he is super attentive to my needs, very supportive, affectionate, we have a great sex life, etc. He is meeting all of my needs, and as far as I can tell, I am meeting his, because when one of us isn't, we do tend to fight a lot. This is why I am just not sure if he really is having even just an EA with her, or if I am just letting my imagination run wild because he does work with an exgf.

How do I confirm whether he is cake-eating and fence-sitting? If he is, what do I need to look for, and how do I handle it. If he isn't, how do I keep from making a fool out of myself and keep him from knowing that I had my suspicions? I don't want to falsely accuse him of anything if he truly isn't doing anything wrong.

Glad you are hanging in there with us. Perhaps I was too quick in my judgement.

Can you take the time to go into more detail about this -

"After we got married, my DH saw his exgf at a company meeting with his job. She worked for another company that was involved with his client. When she saw the ring on his finger, she flipped out. It was a weird situation, and too long of a story to get into here."

I will try to make a long story short...

When he broke up with her, he told her that things were not working out and that he didn't want to see her anymore. He told her that he was going to work things out with me. He told her to please not contact him. She tried several times to contact him anyways, by emailing him, text messaging him, and calling him. From what he told me, he never returned any of those forms of communication. There were many times that he let me read the emails and TM's, and let me listen to the VM's. She was begging him in all of them to please talk to her so they could work things out and be friends. She would offer to meet him at a coffee shop so they could talk at a mutual location. He just ignored her and she eventually stopped contacting him.

Fast forward 3 months later (and 3 weeks of marriage)...They were both at the client's at a meeting. She saw his ring, and she TMed him while they were in the conference room and said "Why are you wearing a wedding ring?" He just looked at her and said nothing. Then he got an important phone call and took the call outside. She followed him outside and said "You need to hang up because we need to talk." He told her that now wasn't the time because this was an important call. She was crying the entire time, and waited for him to get off the phone.

When he got off the phone, she asked him again why he was wearing a wedding ring. He told her that we got married. She asked him why he never called her to tell her. He told her that it was none of her business. She told him that if he ever cared for her like he said he did in the past, he could've at least told her so she wouldn't have to find out this way and get hurt. He said he asked her "So, was I just supposed to call you up and say 'Hey by the way, I am getting married in a few weeks. Just thought you should know?'" Then he said that she started cussing him out and told him that she was going to have her boss transfer her to another client because she never wanted anything to do with him or this client. Well her boss never would transfer her and she got stuck working with him through a 2 month long major server migration.

So there is the story of her "flipping out"...

Ok this is killing me. DH called me earlier this afternoon to tell me that he had a meeting scheduled for 5pm and that he would be home late. It is now 8:07pm. That is one awfully long meeting. I am getting really nervous and wonder even more what might be going on.

I know the OW home phone number, and was really tempted to call it using *67 so it would come up as a private number to see if she answered or was even there. If she didn't live so far, I would drive by her house to see if my DH's car was there.

I am sitting here shaking with images of what might be really going on. I just really want to believe that nothing is going on and that he is 100% trustworthy.

It is now 8:15 and he just called to tell me he was on his way home. Any advice on what I should look for if my suspicions are indeed true?

It is much too early to tell what is going on. But I am still suspicious. Stay calm, be yourself, and bide your time. You can post here if you are going crazy. We understand.

The meeting was real. He was showing me some stuff this morning that he worked on yesterday and then clicked over to his Outlook calendar, and I saw the "meeting invitation" that one of the managers sent to him and a few of his coworkers to attend.

I am really beginning to think that maybe he isn't doing anything he shouldn't be, and that it is just my insecurities from being cheated on in the past that is haunting me. He wasn't the first guy to ever cheat on me, so I get nervous about it happening again because I never want to be hurt like that again.