been together 10 years married for 4. Bottom line I was a real jerk for a long time. I cheated on my girlfriend off and on for 7 years while we dated, cleaned my act up and got married. She found out about all of it, and it was really tough. We have been separated a few times.

this last time though, she got a boyfriend. Of course she told me he was just a friend. Then I did all of the usual snooping - found out they were sleeping together etc. She lied about 100 things - while I begged her not to continue with her relationship.

She kept saying I am not sure when, but I know I am going to want you back - then she finally said she is ready to end the r with OM - and has to do it her way. She says she is not in love with him, but does not want to crush him. Agrees to no c after we get back together - but wants to drag out breaking it off over the next couple of weeks.

She says we would not be separated had I not kicked her out for the third time. Says she did nothing wrong because we were separated, that I did not have any right to tell her what to do with her life any more - that I just need to deal with this over the next few weeks - she says her love is back for me, that she is no longer sleeping with him, but that she needs to get this wrapped up -

It hurts me to know how much she lied to me - and that she says it was because she knows how men are about these things....

Am I wrong for telling her to end it NOW and break it off, or should I not force it and let her work through this over the next few weeks...

I hate seeing her during the week knowing she spent part of the holidays with him instead of me.. that she is going to spend nys with him.... and I know at the least they are kissing.. it bugs the crap out of me....

any thoughts????

Sorry you're here.

How old are you two, and do you have any kids together?

Why in the world would you consider going back with a girlfriend who is still seeing her boyfriend. It sounds like she is playing you.

Agree 100%. She's playing you my friend. Stalling for time. Ask yourself why she is stalling and think about seeking legal counsel and gathering evidence. As long as she has contact with OM your relationship doesn't stand a chance.

She is my wife. She is not stalling ( Truth ) she is going to end this by the end of next week/ Has agreed to no contact. She wants to let him down easy - they have been going out for about 2 months...

she has told me over and again, I want my life back with you - I want my marriage back with you - I don't want to be with this guy - I just need a week or so to wrap it up - and that includes new years eve -

But the frustrating part for me is this - we were very tight for 10 years - we were each other's rock. Now she has had this relationship with him - and I have to deal with the ending of it.

She decided to end it when I told her I was done chasing her - I had chased her all summer trying to get her back.

She says she loves me/ not in love with him - just really loved the friendship - because I was not a good friend to her. She says I could have him if I want, I don't, I want you. Period. But her actions bother me - it seems to me she should just break it off immediately - tell him, I am not seeing you anymore - I am going back to my husband - but she is dragging it out to make it easier on her not him.

She is obviously not considering my feelings... it did not work out with him, so she wants to come back to me... not a very good feeling for me... she has not come on to me for sex one time - or said to me honey I am sorry for what I did - I love you - we will get through this... I know its hard... she just tells me I know this is awkward for both of us - I'll be back in the house in a few weeks and this will all be over - then we can rebuild our marriage and our lives....

thank you for the feedback

She was playing me, now she is just taking an extra week to wrap it up with him because she wants to have a few conversations with him to be nice about it. Of course I could care less about the OM. We are in our 30's.

She has given notice on her apt. to move back in - is ready to do so in about 2 weeks - just wanted to break it off after the holiday -

the sex with them stopped about 30 days ago -

This is absurd and you have bought her reasoning as legitimate. She is your wife and wants to return to you but wants to be so nice to her boyfriend and will not return to you until after New Years Eve? I guess they will just be playing checkers during New Years Eve? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is making you look like an absolute fool. You know she should cut it off immediately. I am sorry but she continues to see him for another week. She is keeping this guy on standby in case it does not work out with you. It is so obvious to see. Why not visit the OM and tell him the real story? Your wife is quite a player and apparently has no problem lying to this guy even to this day and now is going to party with him on New Years Eve. I don't buy the no sex thing with this guy for the past month either. She has shown she is good at lying to him so why not you? New Years Eve with him and then back with you....Oh Please. What is wrong with this picture?

Friend,

I'm not being argumentative for any reason than to help you.

Her fog has encapsulated you at this point.

There are two things that could happen in this situation:

1. She comes back from New Year's with her mind changed and leaves you.

2. She comes back from New Years and puts her relationship 'underground'. She will tell you she is in NC but she will be lying through her teeth.

That's it. I guarantee you that in a week you tell us that she changed her mind or in a month (assuming you do the smart thing and monitor email, phone, etc) you tell us that she is still in C w OM. Do you really believe her that she hasn't had SF with him for a month when they are still in daily C and are going to spend New Years together? Come on man, wake up.

I'll tell you what if you can come on here in a month and honestly tell us that she is still in NC and things are getting better, I'll send you a 6 pack of your choice.

So she has to let her lover down easy, she cares about him, this will be sooo hard on him, she can't hurt him, blah, blah, blah.......

And what about YOU, her husband? What about your feelings?

Your wife is behaving like every other cheater here. She wants both. When she thought you might be tired of it, she threw you a bone.

After reading these I feel kinda stupid - and I suppose I should. Yes she has lied big-time - and you are right, she is probably still having sex with him - although even if she is telling me the truth, she is still running the game on him. If she isn't it is for her purposes, not because of her marriage.

She has hidden behind the fact that we are separated.

In terms of NC I have made it perfectly clear that if she has contact with him, then I am totally done. Honestly If this would have happened while we were living together (I kicked her out) I would not be on this site - I would have walked immediately.

I told her exactly the same thing - what about my feelings? where is the caring for me? I wanted to spend NYS eve with her, and she said what's one more week? This is all going to be over - they work together- and she is quitting her job - so she says she is just posing until she can get through the next week. It is just deception - and I keep having this feeling of disbelief - every time she does something new I think I can't believe she is doing this. Its all about him - or really all about her - she wants to end it her way in her timing - total bs.

So, what do I do (can I ask that on here?) - she wants to end this with him over the next week - probably softly as to leave herself a shot with him down the road. who knows - she wants to move back in -- she has told me that if he continues to try to contact her - she will tell me immediately and we will just have to deal with it.

She is not in love with him - but says she loves him - ??? so I wonder if she will have some pull back to him -

she has not kissed me or tried to have any physical intimacy with me over the last month - none.

What I wonder is this - I told her if you want him, go have him - for life - don't screw with me anymore - so if she wants him, why doesn't she just go to him full time - actually, she was with him full time I just did not know it.

I agree her actions are totally disrespectful of me and our marriage - and she says hey this is a situation that we created - if you wouldn't have kicked me out this would never have happened - she takes no responsibility.

I also told her I made a date for new years since she does not want to go out with me. She was a little surprised but it did not seem to bother her. I thought that was an odd response for someone who wants to have her marriage back within two weeks....

Our deal was after Christmas she would end this - what should I say to her? I am tired of talking - words words words.. they seem to be meaningless - I am supposed to see her tomorrow - should I lay it down and tell her -- end this by new years day or no marriage? any ideas????

Thanks I appreciate the help.

Post in the General Questions II forum and you will get a lot more replies. Unfortunetly, I am too busy today to give you a well-crafted response, but I'll direct you to the best site for getting advice.

bmmg,

Let's see. You have been together ten years and married 4.You screwed around on her for 7 years so that means you were still screwing someone else DURING your marriage.

And she stayed with you.

Now she goes out and has a A of four months and you want to know if she is lying TO YOU?????????????????????????

By my arithmetic you owe her at least 6 and 1/2 years and countless( you supply the numbers) lovers to try and fix this.

Tonight hit your knees and thank the Lord that he gave you such a woman that would put up with your cr#p.

No I did not cheat on her after marriage - I came clean with everything - begged her forgiveness. But you are correct, I do owe her a lot for putting up with my past and forgiving me - but now this is the present - and she is lying lying lying... she wants to get back together or so she says... but will not stop seeing this guy - or at least in my time frame. maybe I am wrong but my former actions before marrige do not give her the right to parade this relationship in my face and allowing her to continue to see him is a disgrace to our marriage.

What marriage..??

I suggest both of you calling it quits now and each of you finding someone else who loves and respects you as much as you love and respect them. It seems that both of those attributes are sadly lacking in your current M, from the behaviour you've described. Why prolong the agony?

Ok, Bmmg,

Let's stop right now and really look at this thing.

You said
What you are missing in your reactions to her affair, is that you two have separated three times. You had a 7 year affair before marriage. You marriage has not been good.

Your W is now lying to you, and clearly she has no respect for you.

The issue is NOT the other man. It is NOT the affair, although very painful. The issue is your marriage before the affair and now.

It seems to me neither of you have taken responsibility for your behaviors, and neither of you have respected: yourselves, your partner, nor your marriage.

BEFORE you two get back together, you BOTH need to be in some pro-marriage counseling to address your lack of knowledge about this vernable institution.

I would strongly encourage you to read Harley's four rules for a good marriage, read about needs, and then really look at yourself and how you have decided to do the things you have done. You cannot change your W. You cannot make her change herself. If neither of you learn a great deal more about relationships, marriage, and love, the chances of this marriage working are small.

Focus on the real issues: the marriage and how you both have disrespected it.

Please think about what I have said.

God Bless,

JL