Hello again.

I took a lot of advice on this board and applied it to my own sitch. I'm presently 5 months divorced after a 3 year long bout with a WS. I had a 3 month relationship that I voluntarily broke off the first of this month. Why? Well, many of you advised that I should not bring another person (especially a good one like her) into my life right now and the fact that (gulp) I had SF with my X...

Some background:

Me, BS, 40, Catholic-Christian
Her, xWS, 40, Cradle Catholic
Married 16 Years, together 17; first son "brought" us together...
MC 3/2005-6/2005
IC me 6/2005 - 9/2006...IC thinks I'm good...
IC xWS 6/2005 - present - twice weekly...
DS#1 16 - doesn't like Mom unless convenient ($), lives with Dad 100%
DS#2 7 - loves Mom & Dad, lives with Mom 60%
DD 5 - loves Mom & Dad, lives with Mom 60%
Her 6 month EA - 1993
Her 2nd EA (2003/2004) turned PA (2005 - present)
I confront her MANY times 2003 onward requesting NC even then...
Plan A 2005-2006; Plan B never really worked, but attempted
True DDay 12/24/2005 - "I'm pregnant and it's not yours!!"
xWS moves out 12/24/2005
OC aborted 1/8ish/2006
xWS moves home 1/15ish/2006 - warily
False NC(s) during next several months too many times...
Divorce filed by ME 4/2006
xWS moves into her own place 6/06, OM spending the night since day 1...ugh...
Divorce final 8/06
10/2006 xWS finds out I'm "seeing" someone & freaks out (I didn't plan on meeting someone...it just happened)
xWS breaks up with OM 10/04/06 expects me to be there for her and rebuild
xWS continues cycle of breaking up and returning to OM for 2 more months. Everyone thinks the inevitable has occurred: its finally over.
PRESENT: xWS wants to reconcile...

Why did she have an A? Why do any of them do it? I didn't meet her EN's - she didn't meet mine. A downward spiral toward relationship death. I was a controlling, self-indulgant ignoramis and thought that as long as she was well provided for, she should be happy and give me SF whenever I wanted. Over our 17 years together, I progressively improved (I grew up) -- found Christ -- and started to earnestly become the father and husband I was intended to be. The last few years were great -- but, apparently, too little too late.

I pushed the Divorce and the sale of our home as a means of breaking free from the endless cycle of fog-ridden madness. I FEEL I've been through the majority of the grieving process...and my IC, whom i see very little of now, agrees.

Ok -- so -- X and OM break up after many months of hard times and X coming to me for advice, counsel and hope. Even when I asked her not to. Even when I requested NC as much as humanly possible. She claims that I am her rock and that she only feels right and at peace when she is with me and the family is together. I just sat back and watched, listened and tried to ignore the words but not the actions.

I've just bought a new house and she had been paid out completely per D settlement. There are very few strings attached to either of us right now other than our children. The oldest, 16 yo son, resents his mother fiercely -- he's currently in counseling. The two little ones are seemingly well and relatively protected from this nonsense.

As an entire family, we've spent the holidays together -- her idea for the kids. We all stayed together in my new home. It's very warm, calming and without the history or baggage of all the "old stuff and bad memories." We had a very nice time together and it lead to SF many times under the belief that it was just a warm and wonderful experience, no strings attached (so to speak). But -- I now know she had a motive...

X wants to hang out and communicate. X wants to learn what it will take to earn back my trust and my affection. X carries a lot of OBVIOUS guilt, drama and pain. X knows that I'm strong and feeling independent -- even open to meeting new people and taking things slow. X wants to enter a rehab program (or at least talks about it).

My question(s):

Would anyone here get back with their X and under what circumstances? Is it too painful and arduous to rebuild trust or does it just make better sense to walk away? Part of me really loves the idea, but wow, I've been down that road with her TOO MANY TIMES and just don't expect the outcome to be any different. I'm okay with that, now. Part of me feels I just need to be with myself and her with herself. Give it 6 months and then see what's what. Another part of me really is considering the alternative...

She has asked me, with advice from her IC, what ingredients would be necesssary to consider reconcilliation.

What would be yours? Would you do it? For those of you that have, was it worth it? Why?

Finally, she has paid for reservations at a very nice resort for New Years and wants us all to go as a family and enjoy. I've agreed as long as we keep it focused on the kids and just not dwell on the past or the future. This is Plan A stuff...am I enabling or misleading? I've been told any "gray" area with a woman is a bad thing...

Umm. Did she ASK you before she made reservations? If not, I think this is manipulation.

Second, you two are divorced. The children are forced to deal with that and adapt. However, if you play Happy Family together, the children are going to be very confused. If it doesn’t work out, they will be disappointed, even the 16 year old who is furious with his mother.

Third, your ex-wife is not emotionally healthy. She doesn’t come to you because she wants you, she comes to you because she has no where else to go. It’s like she’s running home to daddy.

Okay, so if I were in your shoes, what would my list look like?

1. You live on your own for one year, independently without a live-in boyfriend.
2. You continue counseling and stop whatever addictive behavior you are engaged in.
3. After six months apart, we start dating once a month without the children’s knowledge in case it doesn’t work out.
4. You go to confession, and do penitence. After all, she’s Catholic. Plus, should you actually get back together with her, you need a clergyman who can be on the watch and intervene.
5. You provide me with a list of precautions you would take for the rest of your life in order to never succumb to infidelity again.

Honestly, though, I think I’d give her a pass. Do you really need this in your life now?

Hi GG, thank you for your response. Yes, she did ask me. But, she did make the reservations in advance for herself and the kids. They have a nice pool there and it's very peaceful.

I agree on the point with the children. That part has been the hardest -- the little ones talk about "Daddy fixing the family and us all living happily ever after..." ::

And, I also agree that she is not emotionally healthy. The only difference I see between the feedback I would get on this board and the GQ board is that in my sitch, we are legally divorced. On the GQ board, if we were not legally divorced, they would have me jump all over this opportunity.

Finally, right or wrong, niether of us really feels or acts divorced...it's confusing for us, too. By Catholic standards, we will always be married...

Well, that’s true. A friend of mine is RC and divorced her husband. No affairs involved. Then, they started hanging out, then there was a baby on the way. The baby is now little over a year old. My friend is living with her ex as a family, but they have decided not to get legally remarried. Apparently, my friend informed her parish priest that since the church didn’t recognize divorce, her baby was legitimate, and she had no intention of getting remarried. The priest went along with it. My friends are doing really well.

All that said, those two should never have gotten divorced. They obviously didn’t try very hard at fixing the problems the first time round, or they’d never have split up. When they started spending time together it was two years after they separated, and both were independent and in good places emotionally.


Hey, doesn't the RC church recognize divorce in cases of adultery?

The only time the RC church will allow for an annulment (their only recognition of divorce), is if one can prove that the marriage was never intended to be whole to begin with. That's hard to prove after 16 years...

While there are many versions in the book of Matthew regarding acceptable reasons for divorce (adultery being the only one), the RC does not recognize that translation. Trust me, I've gone thru the archives of the Vatican to find a loophole. I actually decided it was easier for me to denounce my faith as a RC and just be Christian...

Ultimately, it is my firm belief that Family, above all, is the most important thing. Any time spent together as a family is communicated to the kids as just that -- they do have both a Mother and Father capable of love and civility toward one another. Yet, Mommy and Daddy choose not to live together.

We don't pretend to predict the future, but leave that in God's hands. And, while I realize this puts hope in the minds and hearts of everyone, there is nothing wrong with hope. We all make mistakes and need to learn from those. Teaching our children forgiveness and compassion are a good thing. Letting them experience life with their parents -- even sometimes together -- can be healthy especially when we are all playing nice.

IMHO...

I'm in the midst of an annullment proceeding - and it's not as difficult as you would think - I was married for over 12 years, and after my testimony and interviews, there were actually 3 grounds in which I could petition for an annulment - and this is AFTER a 12 year marriage. It's interesting.....and costly by the way.

Just my two cents.