Hello! I hope everyone had a peaceful and relaxing holiday and that you are looking forward to a happy new year.

My Christmas has been quiet. For the first time in my life, I spent it alone this year, as DD13 and DD6 have been visiting exMIL with Ex and OW, and they are coming home tomorrow. G (STBXBF – more later) wanted to come and spend some time with me over Christmas but I wouldn’t have him. He is over from Spain at the moment, visiting with his parents, though I have told him we should meet up when the kids and I fly down to visit my parents for New Year (Saturday).

I have said the dreaded words *WE NEED TO TALK* to him. He agrees. He wanted me to tell him over the phone what I wanted to talk about, but I won’t discuss it by phone, or by email. What I need to say must be face to face. He deserves that at least.

And so – to G. I would like to say I how very grateful I am to everyone who took the time to respond to my previous thread on this subject and give me such great and uncompromising advice. I guess in a way I already knew that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, but I needed my feelings to be reinforced. Unfortunately, even after everything that has happened since I last wrote, G is as oblivious as ever, and I am as big a coward as ever.

About a month ago, I succumbed to another nasty Crohn’s flare-up. Almost the worst one yet, although I just managed to keep out of hospital this time. I couldn’t cope on my own, though, so my parents drove up to help me out – took DD6 to school, cooked some meals etc. I needed complete peace and quiet to begin to recuperate, as Crohn’s is made much worse by stress. I asked G not to contact me (he is a major cause of stress, though I didn’t tell him that) and that I would contact him by text or email when I had any news. He couldn’t leave me alone. He texted me, emailed me. One time he called, and when I heard his voice I literally felt a white streak of agony rip through my gut. I screamed at him to leave me alone. It was bad.

Afterwards, when I had begun to recover, we talked on the phone a little. I told him how guilty I felt about how I had shouted at him when he had been so worried about me, but that he hadn’t respected my boundaries as I had asked. I told him that I felt bad that he was offering me so much, and that I wasn’t able to offer him much of anything at the moment. I told him I needed a lot of space and peace to recover, physically from the Crohn’s, and emotionally from the break-up of my marriage. I told him that I should never have got involved with him so quickly after my divorce. He just said that I could take all the time I needed, that he loved me so much that he would wait for me until I was ready. I told him that, with all the mess that I had gone through, that my kids had gone through, love wasn’t going to be enough. That it would be very hard work. He said he knew that, but I know he wasn’t really hearing what I was saying, and that he has no idea what he is letting himself in for.

And still, he isn’t giving me the space I need. I asked him to call me once on Christmas day, which he did, but in between he would be sending me texts and emails about how much he loves me, how perfect our relationship is, how love will see us through. Every time I get one of these messages, it just convinces me more that we are doomed. I can’t believe that a man of 38 can be so oblivious to what he is doing.

So, I hope, in one way, that we get to meet up before New Year. But in a way, I don’t (it’s his birthday on January 1st – and he dreads it every year anyway. When I tell him what I intend to tell him, it will be terrible for him). What I do intend to tell him is this. That I want to suspend all talk of us living together indefinitely. I do not want to introduce a ‘step family’ situation into my children’s lives at this point. The children have to come first, before what G and I might want. Things have been traumatic enough for them as it is. That I feel I have been almost as selfish as Ex and OW for expecting that I can ‘force’ this situation on my DDs and just expect them to like it. That I regret all the money he has spent on the children to try to get them to ‘like’ him – just as bad as Ex and OW.

If he says, as I expect him to say, that he will wait for me for as long as it takes, then I will say this. That our relationship is literally making my Crohn’s worse. That he hasn’t been able to give me the space I asked for and needed, and that this causes me enormous emotional and physical stress. If he still persists, then I will start to talk about our basic incompatibility (not much in common, different perspectives etc). Man, I hope he gets it before then, though.

I am very anxious not to seem to blame him for our problems. I want to emphasize that that it’s ‘me, not him’, though I realize that this is a terrible cliché. I won’t actually say that, at least I hope not! I find it so hard to talk to this man! That’s one of the worst problems of all.

Thank you to everyone who took the time and trouble to read this post.

Alph.

You should start with item #3, not fall back on it only after all the others fail. The basic fact is that you do not feel that you are compatible with him. Everything else is secondary, and if you start focusing on the secondary, you'd be dishonest with him.

Tell him you are not compatible with him, don't want to be with him, and will not want to be with him. Do not feel guilty, or hide behind "divorce too recent", "health not good enough", etc. Be honest.

AGG

When ending a relationship, is absolute cold-hearted honesty essential? Shouldn't kindness and compassion figure too?

#1 and #2 are true. They are genuine reasons why I don't feel I can be with him. I just think that, handled this way, I would hurt him less.

It's so hard not to feel guilty. As I say, I've known him all my life, and feel so bad about hurting him.

Alph.

When ending a relationship, it needs to be clear that it is an end, not a break, hiatus, confusion, space, etc. By giving him the other reasons, you are making it quite believable that you might reconsider after some time passes. That is dishonest.


Look at it this way. Let's say I am breaking up with someone because they could use to lose 10 lbs and because they are crazy. I protect them from saying I am breaking up with them because they are crazy, so I say I am breaking up because they could use to lose 10 lbs. I am still honest and compassionate, but their reaction will be "Wait!! I'll lose 10 lbs!!!". Now what?


Dishonesty hurts more. You've been on MB long enough to know that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Warmest Huggs!

Life gets so complicated with underlying health complications and exposure to prolonged negative stress.

I am sorry that you are not feeling well. Healing our selves is truly a multi-dimensional situation.

Crohn’s is a degenerative disease and can imagine the distress you are undergoing of being in such Chronic
Pain.

I wonder if some of these websites might offer some alternative suggestions!

Take good care.


Dr. Mercola.com


Dr. Brenda Watson, ND., C.T.
Digestive Conditions.
www.renewlife.com


Wobenzym N
www.heal.ca

Noticed several website changes. Here's the current site links.


http://www.mercola.com/current.htm


http://wobenzym.com/why.html


Dr. Brenda Watson, ND., C.T.
Digestive Conditions.
www.renewlife.com

Alphin, there was this woman I was interested in. She tried to discourage my interest, but...

At first, she told me she was in a phase of her life where she didn't want to date anyone. This was true, but it left the door open for me to hope that some day, when she was ready to start thinking about dating again, I might have a chance. Then when that excuse was no longer applicable, she gave me one I couldn't believe: she told me that our life goals were not the same. This made no sense to me since we hadn't ever discussed our life goals with each other. I knew she wasn't being entirely honest with me, but I didn't know whether she was also being dishonest with herself. If she didn't really know her own mind, then...well, there was still room for hope. Finally, months later, she came out with the truth: there was no "spark." No explanation necessary, she simply didn't want that kind of relationship with me. I was finally able to begin letting go of hope.

Do you see the parallel, Alphin? Your first excuse is just stringing him along, giving him a reason to cling to hope. Your second excuse is not really honest; it doesn't make sense, and he probably knows it. (He certainly doesn't understand it, or he would have been giving you space.) I say it doesn't make sense because I believe that a significant part of the reason his violations of your boundaries are causing you so much stress is that they are reminders of your dishonesty. Every time he mentions your love for each other or his love for you, you are not only reminded that you can't give him what he wants, but you are also confronted again with the fact that you are allowing him to believe something which isn't true.

If you don't tell him the truth, you may be able to get him to accept the need to leave you alone. But you will never get him to understand it, because an expression of love should not cause pain to an emotionally healthy individual. He will leave with both the pain of rejection and the pain of confusion.

I'm sorry, but I think you need to take the hard road.

AGG,

You are right, of course. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought that we could put our differences aside and make it work, but we are just too incompatible.

He still seems to see me as the teenage girl I was in English Literature class, many years ago! Even then, we didn't have much in common, except for a love of Jane Austen. Now 20 years later, and our lives have changed so much, but our paths haven't diverged in that time - if anything, we are further apart than ever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


I know it. I wish none of this with G had ever happened. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Skydiver, thank you so much for the links! I am always interested in finding out more about my illness. I am feeling a lot better now, and hope to begin a new course of treatment in the new year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GnomeDePlume,

You're dead right about my guilt about this relationship causing me pain. When I was at my worst with this Crohn's episode just before Christmas, I honestly felt I would be happy if I never saw him again. Then he rang me when he said he wouldn't, and all I could think was that I wanted him to leave me alone - permanently.

Anyway, an update. I asked him to call me today, but he called me last night instead. Not that it was inconvenient, but just another example of him not respecting my boundaries. Anyway, he asked me if, when we got together after new years, whether I was going to dump him, because he didn't want to come all the way down there, and have to be with my parents and kids if I was going to do that.

I said that wasn't my intention (before I read all these replies, mind you).

He's manipulating me. He himself said that we needed to talk, and face to face, not on the phone or by email. Now he won't talk to me face to face if I am going to say something he doesn't want to hear.

Whatever I do now, it will be a lie.

Alph.

OK, it's a bad situation. He should not have called and asked, and you should not have lied. I agree that a face-to-face talk is needed for this kind of thing, so what he did was inappropriate. I can appreciate his anxiety (which at least means you won't be completely blind-siding him, and that's a good thing), but he was either trying to force this discussion at an inappropriate time, or he was trying to forestall it entirely.

On the other hand, he's got a point about being "dumped" at a time when he's stuck being around your family. For some reason, I had gotten the idea that the when-and-where of your plan for the talk was because it was convenient for him; but if he has to go "all the way down there" then that's not the case. Is it possible for you to disinvite him (no explanation necessary)? (Unfortunately, there's not much time left for a change in plans.)

I am not happy with the characterization of being "dumped." It implies things about both attitude and relationship which I don't think are justified. I don't know how much you led this guy on, Alph, but if I pushed my way into a woman's life (making all sorts of assumptions about her feelings and our future) and then she (finally) told me that I had it all wrong, it would hardly be fair for me to characterize that as being "dumped."

I see this a little differently. Please know I'm not trying to hurt you but what I'm going to say may leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

"I asked him to call me today, but he called me last night instead. Not that it was inconvenient, but just another example of him not respecting my boundaries."

Yes, he didn't respect your request to call on a particular day. However, it is your responsibility to enforce your own boundaries. You could have not taken the call, not answered if you knew it was him, or you could have told time to call you back on the day you wanted him to call. These are all ways you would enforce your boundaries. Should he respect them? Yes, but you have to show him you truly do have boundaries you are willing to enforce.

"...he asked me if, when we got together after new years, whether I was going to dump him, because he didn't want to come all the way down there, and have to be with my parents and kids if I was going to do that."

Here's a perfect opportunity to be honest & open. Clearly he suspects you're not going to continue on in the relationship. His behavior, from what you've described, sounds like a man who doesn't know where he stands in his relationship with you, so he's insecure & has been looking for reassurance from you. You don't offer reassurance but neither do you send him a clear message otherwise.

Tell him you'd rather have this discussion face to face but you understand he doesn't want to make a trip for the break up. Just do it in an honest way with no ambiguity.

Instead of picking apart your posts to find more examples I 'll say I see a trend in wanting to blame him for wanting a relationship with you when you don't want one with him.

You have not been open & honest with this man about how you feel. That's not his fault. From my perspective he seems to be looking to you for reassurance you want a relationship with him. You don't, but you're not clear about that.

I understand you don't want to hurt him but you are now. Be honest & end this so this man can move on.

True, and so I have, up until this last call. I've always told him I am unhappy if he calls me when he isn't supposed to. Now, I've just given up, because he won't listen. And yes, it will form a large part of our discussion when we meet up on Tuesday.


True. But then again, he was the one who said, intitially, that we should talk together, face to face, rather than by email or phone. So I haven't had the opportunity to be honest - yet. And he doesn't want to hear honesty, anyway.

Alph.

Your most welcome& pleased to know your feeling better.
Hopefully, these suggested sites help a bit!

Sometimes with relationships, there SIMPLY IS the post adjustment phase & readiness issues. Nothing personal.

I know for myself & how my core being feels when being pressured, pressured, pressured. I feel annoyed, annoyed, annoyed and dig my heels in.

Freewill is to be honored & so is having tack with people's feelings and being humane. I feel that's what your trying to do.

You may feel totally different about this person later on and that's perfectly OK and he too!

Takes awhile for things to normalize and get comfortable with re-socializing. Re-bonding with another human being inself is a pretty big WOW project and takes awhole lot of the right molecules! Love makes us feel comfortably good!

Looking back I am so relieved that I didn't allow myself to take things to serious levels with alot guys. I know that today, I would regret being with them and be extremely unhappy. All knowing they might make some else happy that's tailored and suited to them and good for them!

Happiness is so important and how a person makes you feel! Mutual respect and consideration is the bonding glue that seams a relationship together!

Lots of courage, best, best wishes & good health your way!