Well I am new here and I need some advice, I have no one really to talk to. Here goes,, my best girl friend named K, moved in with me and my husband, recently moved to town and needed help with living arrangements so she could look for a place to live. OK. 6 months down the road she is still with us, she helps with my son and some of the house work, takes care of her room upstairs. Well, my husband got into alot of online activities, chatting aol, yahoo and twice the swingers web page and he became a memeber 2 times that i know of. He was big into swing, mostly the bi-female thing and wanted to see me with a girl and guys/couples. I found this to be not normal as I was not brought up to think this way. Well since my girlfriend was living with us, he made moves, said things to her and she finally had enough and told me what all he had said and done, she had nothing to lose, he already had got mad at her and kicked her out, which i found out these things beforehand and did not tell him i knew. She SWEARS to me he did and said these things to her, of course he DENIES it. and blows up that i would believe her over him. He has lied to me before and came clean on some issues. dealing with sex of course issues before we were married. but lied when i confronted him. so he denies the comments made by my girlfriend, and then he came up with a sexual thing he said that she and him did, and she said he is lying again to make her look bad. she swore on her childrens life he is lying again, and he goes further and said yes and he felt like crap later, and he would of never told me had she not told off on him. I still think he is lying to cover all the wrong he did that he wont admit to and made up this story. He said he is going to find a way to prove she did the act and she is lying. My god, I am in the middle here, and after knowing my husbands ways (at least i think) I believe her over him. Should i get these 2 together and confront them in the same room.??? HELP... do i continue my marriage of only 2 years with a man I think is a habitual liar? go with my gut feeling? He says i am his wife and i should stand behind him and believe him over a friend. LOL, i have been married 2 times and Yes i lied to both on some occasion, it is done. hello. Advice what should I do? My feelings towards my husband are not the same I cant give my whole heart to him, is that fair? Have I rambled on?? lol
help a girl ........thanks...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

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I am 99% sure that your HUSBAND is LYING, and that he should stop all chatting/online posting at ALL swingers or whatever webpages. Your husband sounds like a SEX ADDICT. You either need to get him help for his problem or divorce him before you get in too deep.

Personally, I think they're BOTH lying to protect their butts. I don't know what happened between them....but I doubt either story is the whole truth. I too think your husband has some sexual addiction issues....as well as some mighty poor boundaries. Please don't have children with this man chere until he gets help. With no kids....you have alot more flexibility about what you do. Imagine what life will be like with a husband who is always looking for "more" and who will pressure to swing or engage in threesomes. If that's not your cup of tea....and never will be....I'd consider cutting my losses because sexual addiction is a hard monkey to fight. It's hard because a certain level of sexuality is healthy....it's like a food addiction....you can't stop eating so you have to learn "control" instead. You're too young to lock yourself into this future.

ask them to take a polygraph... when you ask them... and do it seperately, have the name of an examiner in your area that does these for domestic reasons. Their responses will tell you a lot about who is telling the truth.

and ask your H to sign a post nuptual agreement that gives you everything in the event of an A or if he is lying about this. He would be a fool to sign that paperwork IF he is lying... and there would be NO reason for him not to if he is telling the truth.

Star - I'm amazed that you think the G/F is not telling the truth, especially since you are a longtime poster here. How many times have we seen affairs here that began as a couple inviting someone into their home.

Just curious, but why do you thing the friend is lying?

blueyed - any man who wants his wife involved with anyone else is NOT a husband and NOT "marriage material."

The current issue of "who is lying" is irrelevant. Something happened by your husband's own admission and who is "at fault" is a smokescreen. HE chose, no matter who he wants to blame for being "at fault." He is the one who is married, not your friend.

Since this is your 3rd marriage, I'd also have to say that you seem to have a remarkable lack of judgment concerning men who might be "marriage material." Why this is so, I don't know, but you might want to think about that a little too.

In your case, you are going to have to decide if you think this man is a "keeper" or not. For me, the issue is clear, he has NO concept of what being married is and any woman who is married to him is asking for trouble.

You know him, and only you can decide if he might change his stripes, but it's unlikely that he will without a good reason and the desire on his part to change. So is this the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with?

AMEN foreverhers..

the issue is NOT the bestfriend.

the issue is you have a husband who does not believe in nor value fidelity...

in other words bigger fish to fry...

and truth is your husband will love to wallow in a battle of he said she said...
takes the focus off of the real issues........

you may want to look in to a the workshop and book

EVERY MANS BATTLE...

he needs a small group of peers who have been where he is and also offer accountability...

don't power struggle...
look up the information at new life live...
find a group or seminar near you and see if he will go....

don't argue it
make a plan ...that hopes for the best
pray hard

and prepares for the worst...

ARK

believer,


First, please understand that any suspicion I have about the friend....doesn't mean that there's any chance this husband will be exonerated of wrong doing. Being a long time poster is a big part of the reason that I'm not trusting either story completely. I don't think there is ANY question that blueyed's H propositioned and crossed boundaries with this friend. I think she's being honest about HIM....I'm just not sure if she's being completely honest about HERSELF....KWIM? He's quite obviously demonstrated, through many other activities, that he has a proclivity towards this sort of thing.

Look at this statement:


and then this one:


I think it's very possible that the friend may have a little something to hide too....not on the same scale as the husband....but I'm not totally convinced she enforced her boundaries right away either....it took being "kicked out" and "mad" for her to come clean with blueyed. It's also possible that she's being truthful...but I've learned to be skeptical from experience. Her honesty wouldn't be in question if she had gone to blueyed with the <first> sign of impropriety....but I don't get the impression that she did while she was still had a place to live.

In the end as forever and ark point out....and so did I....the issue is not this incident or even the lies. It's a symptom of a MUCH bigger issues....sexual addiction/no fidelity (of the husband) and incredibly poor choices in men (by blueyed). The lies are irrelevent except when considering "who" blueyed still wants in her life and whether either of these two people qualify.

I can tell you how *I* would act as a "friend" in this situation. At the first sign of trouble....any interest in me shown by my friend's husband....and I would have told my friend and been SO "gone". She lived there for six months....do you think a man with these kind of issues waited for a long time before he started his pursuit? I don't.

I definitely wouldn't believe this husband's version of anything....but I think the story is more complex and icky.....and I'm not sure I trust the friend completely either.

Again, these things are small potatoes next to questions like: "Why would blueyed marry a man who she knew was a sexual liar beforehand?" "What personal issues are guiding her choice of men?" "With no children, and a husband ACTIVELY seeking activities like swinging and threesomes (even with her FRIEND)....is this a fight she wants to fight?"

Do not have children with this man. This person is a man-child. It's a child trapped in a mans body. I'm telling you the truth. That's not the real issue though.

The real issue is you. Why would you allow yourself to settle for this? Is this the life you want? Is this the kind of man you want? Look five years into the future, what do you see?


Any man that would offer his wife to another to satisfy his own sick fantasy is not a man.


The crux of the problem really isn't this whole snafu. It's the fact that you've compromised your principles and accepted this. Why?

Thanks. I do not have any children with him no plan to as I am not able. cancer. I have caught some online archives last night from a yahoo chat where this person knew who i was, (my husband was typing as it were me talking I was not there, he does that often), the man asked if i was still with the military man, yes of course. then he said your husband is a 'perve' and my husband commented, something like, more intersting that way or something. my husband was evidently suspicious of this guy , the guy left his cell # which i took and name. i brought it to my husband attention last night he didnt have much to say when i brought it up.he just turned off the computer....im sure i will find out more i dig. but i did leave out, that one night we all had been watching tv, me and all 3 of us took an ambien sleeping pill, i stayed in bed, he disappeared, so i went to look for him, he was in her room with the door closed, he was standing side her bed leaning over/into her, she had her pj's on, i watched with door closed for a sec to see what would happen, he didnt do antying but had i not come up who the ****** knows???? well im sure it would have...that is another reason i bleieve he did all she said, then he made up lies of her giving oral to him to take off what all he had said and done to her...guess he didnt mind telling that lie, but i could file adultry and divorce him over that last 'oral' thing he said, she denied...funny divorce him should suit him RIGHT for lying let him spew in that, thinking had he not said that lie maybe she would not of divorced me... guess he pulling at last straw???? so complicated.huh???? i believe my girlfriend still..........

My instinct is that your Girlfriend is telling the truth.

well he made up another lie, i just caught him in. a Text supposidly went to his cell phone, from a computer, i figured it out logged on the computer in our room, i send one this mornig looked in the history and see what showed up, then i looked in yesterdays at that time, and would you believe HE LOGGED IN AND SENT IT...he denied it and played the stressed out man, blah blah....good actor. he said he didnt, then thought my 'girlfriend' did it, then said maybe i did it, then later today he said he did it. he did it cause he was mad. wait....... ' a liar will make up more lies to cover up and make there own lies look less important.'.....he is using private photos against me now so i dont 'screw' him over,, for what, he has no money to speak of. now he has already talked to a lawyer as long as we agree about $175 divorce and be done.........do i hear a ****** YEAH ??????????

Dump this loser. Tell him that if he uses private photos against you that you will have his azz in court so quick for libel, defamation of character and anything else a $200 per hour attorney can think of that his paycheck will be garnished until he is 75 years old. Tell him he would do well not to "F" with you right now and to take his perverted, kinky, adulterous butt and get the ****** out of your life.

Well i filed for divorce yesterday. got my rings back, and the memory stick with photos, im sure he made a copy duno. but after he pushed me down pulled my arms trying to get the wedding rings off, thats it..yelling in the house to MY son your mom is a lesbian (NOT TRUE), MY ARM is very sore today, i just want him out of my life. He told me today hope i was happy and i said lets just part friends and leave it at that, he said ok i still LOVE you, and i wont stay single long, not my nature..lol.. [censored]..... those were his words, so did i actually mean ANYTHING?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> oh well im moving on........you guys thanks and ill keep posting too......love ya !

Blue,

Did you file charges against him for abuse. No one should have to put up with being man handled. Also, he gave you those rings and those are yours to keep, divorced or not.
I think getting away from this man is a good decision. YOu deserve better, I am sure.

As far as him remaining single only a short period of time, that I believe as he will need someone to feed his narcissim. Well, it won't be you, will it?

All the best,

Hey Blue...

hope and pray has a few words for you girl...

and I do too..

the south SUUUUUURE IS A SMALL PLACE.....

like everybody in some way can play seven degrees of Kevin Bacon with almost everybody? Including those they meet on a board.

*huh?