It seems as though knowledge of my wife's affair is coming to a head. In short she told me she wanted to leave me when our youngest graduates high school in June 07, if not before. She admitted to me she was having an affair in Sept. I am a minister and this is tricky because of fallout not only with our kids but church as well. I am the assistant pastor and lately 2 different people have approached the senior pastor accusing my wife of affair. The OM is also married and has 2 smaller children. I received an anonymous letter today telling me the OM's name,(Already knew that) and the letter also stated tat the OM's wife would be notified as well as the minister where they attend church. Please give advice.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" and "His needs/Her needs" by Dr. Willard Harley.

Read the first 4 threads in the "Just Found Out" forum.

Read "the carrot and the stick of Plan A" here in the GQII forum.

Read all about infidelity from the home page of this site.

Knowledge is power. Arm yourself with knowledge, and stick around, and the very kind people here will help you "win" this battle.

Sorry you have a need to be here, but this is a site that has helped many, many people save their marriages after infidelity.

Best wishes,
SD

Also... snoop as much as you can without getting caught. Install a keylogger on your computer, get online access to your cell phone records, consider purchasing a GPS unit for your W's car, scour all the charges on your credit cards and gather all the evidence you can. Most Waywards will deny, deny, deny, and the more hard evidence you have, the better chance you have of breaking up the affair.

Anyway, that's a start. This WILL require YOU doing all the work for the next several months. Are you ready for that?

SD

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm happy that you found us. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Sadly, infidelity is just as common with people who attend church and those that don't. Just a sign of our times.

Your best course is to be sure that the OM's wife is notified of what is going on in her marriage.That may end things.

Then you need to read all about Plan A. That is the starting point. It is showing your wife what a great husband you can be.

You are in a unique position in that you are the assitant pastor. When you get through this, you will have a testimony that will help your congregation. About 99% of the ministry do not understand infidelity. You can change that.

I've been doing that for a while. I have at least 4 months of cell phone records. The OM used different cell phones to call with. I have found 2 witnesses she has confided in regarding the affair, and just today I found her car at a secluded motel in aneighboring town 15 miles from where she was supposed to be working. I took pictures of the car and motel and even took a witness back with me to verify. I am learning how to play the game.

floyd, I am very sorry you are here, but hope that we can help you through this.

ShatteredDreams gave you good advice, I would also refer you to this thread to get you familiar with Marriage Builders. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

The best weapon you have against this affair right now is exposure. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because affairs thrive on darkness and secrecy. Exposure forces the affairees to see themselves through the eyes of others, which is ruinous to the fantasy. It is no fun to smoke crack when everyone is watching.

So, I would start with a meeting with the OM's wife. She can become a great ally to you in busting up this affair.

This is part of Plan A, the other elements are on the Carrot and Stick thread that shattered dreams linked.

floyd, did you knock on the door and confront them? What are you doing with all this collected intel?

You are so right believer. I admit I haven't been perfect and am willing to improve in every area . The OM's wife will know sometime this weekend probably.

Floyd, are you going to contact the OMW yourself? She should be contacted BY YOU. Other key exposure targets are your W's parents, your parents, the OM's parents and any key friends or relatives. Expose, expose, expose!

Has your senior pastor brought her in for a discussion?

I talked to a friend who is a counselor, he informed me that I shouldn't react in the heat of the moment, but continue to gather the info, not to "show all my cards too early".

And what exactly is he waiting for?

I personally will call OM's wife this weekend. The senior pastor and I are planning a meeting for he and his wife, and me with mine early next week.

He is the marriage counselor for both of us. We have a joint session soon, and he has seen I may have trouble controlling my temper. Losing control would not be beneficial for me.

you are planning a meeting for all 4 of you together or 2 seperate meetings?

All in one meeting

and what is the pastor planning to do at this meeting?

We (senior pastor and myself) will formulate a plan based upon the total information received and how to handle my kids the oldest (20) is also the staff worship leader.

Floyd, it sounds like you have a good plan underfoot. What can we help you with, besides lots of prayers?

I would only add that Dr. Harley is a strong advocate of informing the children. They can deal with the truth much better than lies. In your situation the rumors are probably very prevalent so they might be better off hearing the facts from you.

I just want to make sure that you are not protecting your WW from the consequences of her actions. It seemed in your first post that you didn't want the affair to be exposed because it might hurt your position in the church. Your position will only be strengthened by standing up for your marriage. Make sure you expose to anyone that would be in a position to put pressure on the parties to end the affair. Friends and family of your WW and the OM. Also, you need to stand up and start enforcing your boundaries. You already have plenty of proof that an affair exists. No more letting them get a hotel together. If you catch her at a hotel, make sure she knows you are there, you aren't going to take it, and you might want her kids to try and come talk to her as well. This kind of stuff puts pressure on the affair and makes it no longer worthwhile. Don't make the affair a "safe" environment for her to enjoy her "fantasy." Make sure she is exposed to the cruelty of reality. Remember, you are AT WAR with this AFFAIR. Make her actions have consequences.

I can't imagine me, as a BS, standing in the same room with the OM, with whom my W has been sleeping.

Even with the Lord on your shoulders, that's quite a lot of control to have to maintain.

I can't say what I might have done, but I wouldn't have put myself in that position. That's just my opinion.

It would seem like seperate meetings between the main Pastor and EACH couple might be a safer environment for all.

Just my thoughts,
SD

Expose, expose, expose, expose, expose, expose, expose, expose, expose!!!