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Floyd, you realize all this is for naught if she sees him at work? This will not end unless they stop working together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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notice I edited previous post about working together. It will change PERIOD. Sorry I wasn't clear.
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Sounds somewhat better. But one caveat - have you ever known a heroin addict? They will do ANYTHING, lose ANYTHING for their drug. Keep that in mind.
My WH was a long time Christian, very active in our church, and in various ministries. He finally told me that the Holy Spirit had convicted him and he wanted to confess to our Church. He stood up in church and confessed and asked for prayers for our marriage with tears in his eyes.
Then he went with me to talk to various Christian friends and asked them to hold him accountable. I was completely convinced that he was sincere, and told him I loved him and would do whatever it took to work on our marriage.
That same night was the night that I caught him in bed with the OW.
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Bump for current situation
If WW and OM still work together, the A need to be exposed at work. That way they can be monitored and made to feel uncomfortable at the office until one or both of them leaves.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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floydray...how are things going for you?
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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There are emotional highs and lows. My wife seems to be very quiet, subdued, and a little depressed. Possibly withdrawal. But i'm trying to hang in there. A big battle for me now are the memories.
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They will fade with time... try to engage her in conversation, but not about the affair...bring her a long stemmed rose and lunch out of the blue, seek a sense of normalcy and suggest doing some things together. Hang in there, as these things take way more time than we wished.
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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It seems as though she goes out of her way to minimize our time together. She says that it has been extremely tough to have sex. Says it is all she can do to make herself do anything, but said she feels bad as she knows that I "have needs". The relationship with OM is totally over, she works miles away from him, and he has been in tears at the possibility of losing his children. She seems to only be interested in "being happy", which is starting her life over. Funny she still wants to be "best friends" with me; go out spend time together, just not be married. This is confusing to me. I'm interested in offering her freedom point blank and see what her response would be. Plan B, Tough love, any suggestions? Our kids are older both driving, and would probably stay with me. Does she need a wake-up call?
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nononnnonnono, she is in WITHDRAWAL. As she withdraws from the OM, she will draw TO YOU if you offer her a safe place to land. There is very little you can do meet her needs right now as she is in withdrawal. So, just be patient, do your best to meet her needs and DON'T love bust her! Read this thread on withdrawal: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You can't rush recovery. As long as the A is over, stay in plan A, continue to make love bank deposits by focusing on meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs. There is no need to "wake her up." She won't get her feelings back for you overnight no matter what you do. Just be thankful that she is having SF with you...mine isn't! The feelings will come back with time. Just don't push things. I know it is frustrating, but nobody said it was going to be easy.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Thank you all for your replies, sometimes it helps just to get things off your chest, and knowing you can hear from "other voices of experience". It is refreshing to know that the OM broke it off with her after being faced with the possibility of losing his kids, not that I want his kids to suffer or anything. It is an effective way of persuasion to know that a "little affair" can have some dire consequences.
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Is it common for WW in withdrawal to turn a cold shoulder to you constantly. She seems very indifferent at most things I do. Is it a good idea to write little notes or a give a thinking about you card as a surprise? I don't want to smother her, just want to show that I care.
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It's not uncommon, and notes and cards are okay as long as you don't overdo it.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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When you do notes and cards now, don't say "I love you" or things of that nature. Keep it safe -
"Hope you have a good day, I care how you feel. "
"It was good to see you smile last night. I love that smile of yours, always have."
Find something you can talk about that won't make her think "how can he love me after all I have done?"
I'm sure you can find more than this to talk about, these were just for example sake. It's hard for them to complain, or not accept something that is more generic in nature.
SS
I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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It does make her uncomfortable if I were to get to "lovey-dovey">. I just want her to know that I do care for her but don't want to go overboard with sentiment. I try to be very matter of fact and understanding, but not get carried away with emotions. She tells me that she doesn't want to give me false hope. She is however feeling very bitter because the affair became public knowledge as she confessed her unfaithfulness in church. I am an Assistant Pastor. The Senior Pastor told us we could stay home and he would explain things so she would not be embaressed. However she took it upon herself to stand before everyone and do it herself and now she is bitter towards the senior pastor and me. I just dont get it.
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It is easier to direct her bitterness towards you instead of taking responsibility for what she's done. Right now she isn't sorry for what she's done (that will come with time), but she's sorry that she got caught and had to come clean to everyone. It will take about 6 months of NC before she starts expressing remorse for what she has done. Just keep meeting her ENs, avoiding LBs and R/M talk. Right now your goals is to keep things as light, fun, and enjoyable for her as possible to help her through this. Once she realizes your changes are permanent and you have made a sufficient amount of love bank deposits, she'll start feeling sorry for what she has done. I know it is hard, but keep control of your taker through these tough times. You aren't out of the woods just yet.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Thanks Jim, I appreciate the encouragement. You are exactly right she just seems to be sorry they got exposed. Hopefully she will change her tune in time, I just have to be patient.
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My WW told me yesterday that she is still leaving in the summer. She is just biding her time and holding things together now just for the big picture. She has taken a part-time evening job so she won't have to stay at home so much. Can this be normal for withdrawal. She says home doesn't feel the same after her affair was exposed.
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This is all normal. Hang in there. Hopefully she will be too busy at the part time job to attempt contacting the OM. That is what you still need to watch for.
Withdrawal doesn't take that long if there is truly no contact. Don't worry about her plans to leave in the summer.
Keep making any changes that you need to make.
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Thanks believer. I am staying away from LB's and trying to be supportive without smothering, and believe me I'm keeping my eyes wide open. However I do not want to give the appearance of snooping.
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