If you had asked me six monthes ago how the rest of the year would turn out I would have never have described the way I am liveing now.

I am a 43 year old woman with three children and have been married almost twenty years. This has been the most difficult time for me. It started to be a good year..my husband and I finally took the cruise we had always wanted to take, the kids all seemed fine and work (RN) was going well. Then in July suddenly and unexpected my mother died.I thought this would be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I never knew there would be anything that could make me grieve more. Then the Sunday past Thanksgiving my husband told me he has been haveing an affair for th last six monthes. Needless to say I was devestated and had no idea. He has been very honest with me and tells me that he loves her but can get over that and we started counseling that same week. I spent the next two weeks physically and emotionally drained..to move across a room took a great amount of effort.

The counseling seems to help somewhat and my husband says that it will just take time. We have read the book His Needs, Her Needs and at first came to the conclusion that those things really did not apply to us. They do though. Somewhere we let each other down emotionally. I have been trying to make deposits into his bank but do not feel as though I am getting any. I know he has to have time to grieve the loss of this other person but how painful does it have to be for me? My husband has been my best friend for twenty years, why do I feel so insecure around the person who has made me feel most secure all these years? He says I have been a good wife and mother and he loves and respects me....this was not respect. I never knew my heart could be hurt to such depths. How do I help him get over her? Do I continue to just give and deposit as much love as I can into his account? I do not need this man financially, but I want and need him emotionally. There are times he seems like everything is ok in fact last weekend he was laughing and was just so happy...my thought was how can he be so happy when I am hurting so much. I did not say that to him I am trying to be positive and we ended up haveing a better than expected Christmas.

Every time I think we are moveing ahead one step we take three steps back. Last night we went on a long motorcycle ride and stopped at Starbucks. We enjoyed rideing and when we came home I made dinner and we went to bed. We started to kiss and cuddle and I thought we would make love but he just held me and said he could not. Does this mean he has been with her? Do I repulse him? I cannot even look at him this morning. He says I am so sorry over and over again....is this part of the withdrawel phase? What do I do now????

I'm sorry that you are going thru this. Yes it is he)) and you are doing many things right. You are not yelling at your H or taking it out on him. Good - he feels bad enough. This is the part that sucks big time. You are hurt, but you have to keep it away from your H and show him what a great W you can be. Vent to us here.

Is the other woman married? If so, you need to let her H know about this A. This will help make sure that there is no contact (NC) between the two anymore. THIS IS ESSENTIAL for your M.

Others will come along with more ideas than I have at this time, but your M is NOT over and you can be better off than before.

Best wishes,
M2L

Mishes,
I am so sorry you have to be here. But, you have come to a great place for support.

I saw you had read His Needs Her Needs. Have you Read Surviving an Affair?

It is great that your husband came clean on his own- that is really a huge deal.

Does he work with the OW or how does he know her?

I read your other posts about having him leave and telling the children. Is he living at home again now?

Dr. Harley recommends telling the children. I know that would be really hard. Being the child of a marriage that ended with an affair, I knew before my mom. Before you ask, I'll tell you- because my husband's A was over before I found out, we did not tell our children. Had it been active, yes we would have told them.

Has he written the OW a letter of No Contact?

Have you read up on Plan A? Has he agreed to recommitting to the marriage?

If you read His Needs Her Needs together, then I suggest you making a list of your needs and giving them to him. Make yourself a list of his. We did this. Now, we have check ups- where we talk about how we are doing at need meeting. That has been a huge help.

Everything you are feeling is 'normal' - as normal as anything is anymore.

It is ok to tell him you are hurting. This has been about a month- you are very early in this journey. You just have to make a decision to not make this a life sentence for either of you.

Answer some of those questions and that will help us give you some more direction.

I am not sure if she is married. All I knew up until a few weeks ago was her first name. I scanned the cell phone bill and found her number, and after much detective work now know where she lives....amazing with only a fist name and cell number...I love my PC.

I know I need to keep the hurt away...I think blew that this morning though. I sat and cried at the table and told him he was sucking the life out of me. I will buck up though. He is comeing home this afternoon and we will spend the rest of he day together. I am going to try to find plan A.

Thanks so much for your reply...We will get through this

He is liveing at home again...he came home the next night when I asked him if he wanted to.

He is a contractor who builds custom homes and she is the owner of a cleaning crew that cleans up after construction.I have not asked him to write a letter. I did ask him to call her in front of me and tell her it was over. This was after a cell phone bill came in and her number was on it ..they had talked on the day when my H had to reschedule our counseling session because he was so busy trying to close on a house. He said that would be the last time and he had made a complete brake..he did not want to call and "stir things back up." I know she bid a contract for some of their homes however the builder who we are close friends with will not have her back on their job sites.

Mishes,

I too am so sorry you are here. This is a very difficult time of the year to have something like this dropped on you, not that any time is easy.

I think that you know it is essential for you to make sure this affair has ended and that there is NC. This means that you will need to learn more about OW and inform her husband if she is married, or others who might influence her to honor NC.

You also know that in order to maintain NC, her company can not be used for any construction project that your husband is associated with. He won't be able to complete withdrawl if he still sees her, you know that.

At best, recovery is very hard and lengthly. As you can see from my profile, I have been at this more than 3 years and there are times (still all too often) when the pain is still pretty raw.

Thank God you found this site, it is soooo helpful.

Who

it is good that you have the builder on your side and will not let her back on the job sites.

ok, now that you have an adrress, go to the tax records for that county and find out who lives there. That may give you a hudband's name. Either that or google the address. You may be able to find it that way.

It is great you are checking up on him. He needs to be an open book. You might want to do a search of his truck and make sure there is not a hidden cell phone - an affair phone. That is very common. A voice activated recorder in his truck might benefit you as well.

Plan A is all about making you and your marriage more apealing to him. Work on yourself and meet his needs without being a doormat. This is for you as well as for drawing him back in.

What needs was she meeting that you were not?

For today, make sure the house is tidy when he comes home, and you are a knockout! How about a quick trip to the mall for something new? Bath and Body is having a sale- you can pick up a new scent to entice him with.

Plan something for just the two of you this afternoon.

hang in there, honey

Well its the afternoon and I am waiting to see if he gets off early. I wish I could pick my mood up. Yes the house is tidy and I look as good as I can but I am so down inside after last night and then this morning. I feel dead. It is so hard to fake feelin good when I am so miserable. Part of me just wants to say the ****** with it..I can't seem to feel better...;.I wonder if time is all it is going to take.

time helps, honey. It really does.

You have to keep trying.

Make you the best YOU you can be.

There is hope.

wondering how yesterday went

Wanted to send you some encouragement, too.


I have faith that you can do this.

Come here and post and vent here so as not to LB him

hang in there

Well I would say the afternoon went fairly well. There was tension when he got home but I tried to shake it off and suggested we ride to the lake and walk out on the dock. We did and it was nice...we talked a little. I asked him if he just wanted to end this now and get it over with..he replied no that we have twenty years invested and he is not ready to quit. This gives me hope. We held hands and enjoyed the rest of our ride. I did not pursue any sexual contact that night...I am not sure how to handle this part...do I wait until he comes to me? I think that is what I plan to do...it was so hurtful the other night..I felt like I could not even look at myself the next day. Maybe waiting for him to take the lead will be better. I cant help but wonder though if the reason he "can't" is because he had been with her. I asked him if the reason was physical or emotional and he said he did not no.....sounds funny to me!

Friday though our seventeen year old son exploded. He was crying and saying he was tired of holding it all in and seeing his mother hurt. Husband apologized to him again, and we all talked about how we were a family and were going to work together. Son settled down and all seems ok for now. Husband did tell me that the other woman called him to see how he was. He said the conversation lasted about twenty seconds. I suppose it is good that he is honest with me but how dare her is how I feel. I suppose this is to be expected it is just hard to hear and wonder how he really handled the phone call. I am a nurse and had to work last night and will have to work for the next two nights. I hate it..;I love nurseing it's just I want to be home right now...it does not seem like the priority going to work...I know it is important though and life must carry on.

We also found out yesterday that a very close friend of my husbands has cancer and it has spread to his brain. My husband is very upset about this and we spent alot of time talking about how we can help him. We also talked about life and death issues and how it makes you realize what is really important in life. He cried and I held him. My husband is not one that shows a lot of emotion ..its hurts to see him hurt..you know? We have had so many good years up until now and it seems as though everything is falling apart. This is New Years Eve....I am praying for a better year for us all.

You have been such a life line for me these past few days. It is such a relief to be able to come here and pour my feelings out without haveing to wonder how much I am withdrawing from the "bank." God Bless You!

Ten AM got to go to bed and get some sleep for work tonite. I will check this before I go to work.

An Update:

The last few days since my last post have been sooo much better. My H seems to be excited and happy to see me,and we have actually been having fun together. The kids were out the other night and he said if it wasent so cold we would go for a little ride (on the bike)...I said I can do it let's go! I have decided to be game/up for almost anything! We had a great time and yes it was cold but fun! He said later that night how much he was enjoying just hanging out together lately. I continue to work Plan A and am beginning to get some deposits into my "bank." One thing I have learned though or thought about is this has to be a life change not just to get H back. I read a quote somewhere on here that said "Spoil The Husband Not The Children." I really like that! I think that after twenty years we have taken each other so for granted and forgotten what marriage is really all about. It will always in any situation take a lot of work to keep a happy marriage..I do not want to somother him but I never want to neglect each other again. I know I am still just getting in to this journey and there are probably some bumpy roads ahead but these last days have been a wonderful blessing!

I do not think there has been any contact with OW but of course I do still worry. I will never trust so "blindly" again. I want to trust and feel like I can that he is not playing games with me..but after the A I do worry...I guess that is part of the trust issue. I worry that like D day he is going to just come home one day and say that he has tried and it is just not working for him...paranoid I guess but a realist at the same time. I have to be mentally prepared for anything.

Please find out if the OW is married and let her husband know what is going on. Your situation sounds very hopeful, but you need to be sure the affair is over. Exposing her is the best way to do that.

I have tried to do this....I did ride by her house yesterday ...the first house I found must have been her mothers who I understad is terminally ill (so I really hate to upset her).

Any suggestions? H says she is not married...who knows? I have been a pretty good spy so far but not sure where to go from here. I looked at land deeds online, but I believe she rents this house. Also my children knew who she was from going to work with their father and one of them says he knows who her old boyfriend is.

????

Well it is Friday and I can't believe how much better I feel. I am actually looking forward to the weekend. I am off tonite and only work tommorow. It has been a great week.
I am not sure what has changed but there is a big difference in us both.

Yesterday my daughter (12) and I went through my wooden chest where I keep all of my keepsakes, baby stuff etc. She has wanted to do this for such a long time and it really needed organizing so I decided we would tackle it. She of course became board after about an hour but what a blessing it turned out to be for me. There in that box was twenty years of our life. Pictures and cards before we were married, pictures of the kids including ultrasounds, baby dresses..you get my point. In the mist of all of this I found several cards from my mother who passed away in July of last year. There was one in particular that talked about my childhood and went through the years up until the present day..when the note was written. I really felt my mother there with me ...I have longed for her so much especially since all of this has happened..you she would know exactly what to tell me to do..I have just wanted/needed her to tell me everything would be alright and by finding that note and a few more I new that is what she was doing ..kisses and hugs from heaven.

Last night H and I talked and I asked him why he thought things were so much better..he said he was not sure. I said that I hoped he was not playing a game with me that I wanted to trust him as I always had but that it is very difficult to since he was so good at deceiving (spell??) me for all of those months. Later he said something about being in love with me and I asked him how he could go from loving her and not loving me "for years" to he could get over her to now where he is in love with me....my best friend says she does not think he ever fell out of love with me that he just lost his way...is that possible? I suppose so but getting through this could not possibly be this easy.....thoughts anyone? Am I being too trusting?

MoveForward...I miss hearing from you!!!!

It is way too early to trust him. See if he will write a no contact letter to the OW.

Your right! While things seem to be going so well I have had this big knott in my stomach for the last few days. I learned many years ago to go with those gut feelings and I feel like something is not right. I suppose he senses this as he has asked me several times "honey whats wrong?" I hate living this way..not trusting. He can get up and put on something to wear that day and if he looks particulary nice it bothers me.

We are looking for a new marriage counslor..or should I say I am. The other one was not in our insurance network and was breaking us financially. I think he thinks we are ok and we don't need to go but he has agreed to continue. There never seems to be enough time to talk about things.

I am going full force with Plan A. I have lost seventeen pounds since D day and have been very careful about love busters. He is responding to this and very much enjoying all the xtra TLC but I wish I could receive some. He is kind and says he loves me but I jut keep waiting for this moment of his telling me how much he loves me and how he appreciates all I am trying to do. I know Plan A is about taking care of me and showing what a good partner I can be but where is the return? Where is my extra? We have been having a lot of fun and spending a lot of time together but I have days like today when I just cry ..I need some assurance from him other than what I am getting.

Plan A is not fun. You give and give, expecting nothing in return. It won't always be like this though. I hope you can hang in there a bit longer.

Have you asked him about writing a no contact letter?