Why do you feel better now?

I'm concerned about that CONTROL ISSUE with you again.

Do you believe that you have the POWER to AFFECT him by your ANGRY WORDS?

I believe it's healing to SPEAK YOUR TRUTH without expectation of having any affect on someone else, saying "This is who I am..this is how I feel"...

I've learned that it is not OK to do this for the EFFECT...because then I am being judgmental and controlling and often even punitive..and then I AM NOT REALLY HEARD BY THE OTHER PERSON...

What happens is... I MAY FEEL GOOD ..as you say..but I am not heard...I have not really communicated..because the receiver has become DEFENSIVE and shut me out...

Sounds like you needed to vent and he was the window. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok,think about this.... is there EVER a good time to vent? Probably not. What is more important is he allowed you to vent and asked if you wanted to talk later. True he didn't answer but he did offer.

No jumping up and down or on yourself.....just chill. You'd be surprises how confused a WS c/b. This ranting of yours c/b filling a weirdo kind of need of his. You needed him to vent and he knew it. The H in him knows you need to vent. Now if the WS in him gets back in control, he will be laying traps to blast you.

Be smart and plan for both characters to show up within the next few days. Now that you've regained some of your compsure you can have a stronger footing when the WS shows up.

U ready to RB? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Mimi, yea I do feel better...And I don't think I was trying to control him in this particular incident b/c I am not expecting a thing in return from him. I let out months of pent up anger, frustration, sadness, hurt, etc etc. and he needed to hear it..he needed to hear it from me. When I was venting, my H was present..not the WH....

Orchid, yes I am ready for RB..

Hoping,

Don't take offense and I'm not taking offense...and I'm not upset,Orchid... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's just it...

I used to be a lot like you..so I get attracted to reading your thread...

I'm learning to be different and for me the changes have made my life so much better..

It is very WRONG of me to make the assumption that YOU NEED TO CHANGE, too...

Sorry....

Mimi..who used to RANT AND RAVE but now maintains her FROSTINESS....

I SPEAK MY TRUTH..but ASSERTIVELY...

You see, MY HUSBAND tunes me out when I GET LOUD with him...and I want him to feel OK about REALLY LISTENING....and he FINALLY DOES...even when I disagree with him... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh no, not at all..I do not take offense Mimi..I really do appreciate your insight and advice b/c you are way more of a pro at this than I am. So any and all advice, good or bad, wrong or right, I am ALWAYS open to hearing from you...You make me see things from a side that I may not be able to recognize at the time so its good to hear what you want to say...Please don't hold back on my account..I really value your opinion and advice...I am aware that I need to make some changes and I am doing that, day by day...This outburst yesterday has been brewing for months now and I needed to get it out to the person that deserved it. I guess he would rather I get it out on im than in person...I know I probably did not leave him w/ an attractive choice yesterday but I had to get it out...So I am just hanging back and still doing Plan A....But please, anytime you need to say something, please please do b/c I do need to be put in my place from time to time...

It would be hypocritical of me to try to put you in your place. I see so much of my OLD SELF in you. As you can tell, I'm trying to learn not to be judgemental and CONTROLLING- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey all...well my WH will not agree to complete NC b/c he says that he has to sometimes see/talk to her regarding patients, etc etc. He says he can't promise they won't run into each other b/c of their working under the same supervisor. And there is not a way he can xfer to another dept. just to another camp, if there is an opening. They do not work in the same building but on the same camp, just on the other side. He told me that he does not go out of his way to see/talk to her and he keeps reminding me that I do not need to worry about her b/c it is all business for him over there. He tells me he is very busy w/ a lot of things going on over there. But now he won't even try to work on things. I am lucky if I get an email, im, and very lucky if I get a phonecall. I did send him an email, after my lovely outburst the other day, explaining to him some of my needs. I told him I felt like he was not even putting forth any effort to try and regain my trust. He won't even hardly communicate with me. This sucks. I ended the email basically saying that it all boils down to whether or not you want the marriage to work and whether or not you are willing to do what it takes and put forth the effort and the time. I also said that actions speak louder than words and time will tell. Time will give me my answer. And I have not heard from him since. I think I am just going to leave him alone at this point. Not sure what else to do.

I've been keeping up with you.

This is my advice.

If you want to recover your marriage, go back into PLAN A. Ask him to forgive you, be loving and attentive, sensitive to his present concerns, needs and worries.

Talking, pleading, begging, ranting and raving to a WH is LOVEBUSTING and will lead him back to her. He is even TELLING YOU THIS.

If you don't want recover your marriage, carry on as you are doing OR don't contact him anymore.

Sorry. I'm not condemning you. I really feel that this is your choice.

This is my opinion.

One thing to remember is that he is in a very stressful environment. The situation he's in is not helping. Your reactions may be adding to his stress level. Keep that in mind so that he doesn't tune you out as a way of dealing with and reducing his stress level. I know it's difficult, but try to be supportive as possible.

EXACTLY..as Monster states..that's what I was thinking...especially since you imply that he works in healthcare...

I am sorry Mimi, but I am going to have to disagree w/ you on that one. I am not going to ask for forgiveness about finally releasing all of my frustration, pain, anger, hurt, sadness b/c it has been pent up for months and that is something I will not do. He deserved to hear it and he deserves to know it and know what he has done to me. I did apologize for speaking to him that way but I will not apologize for anything that I have said to him. I will not tiptoe around this matter or this man. But I thank you for your input. And I am still in Plan A...never left it, just detoured for a brief moment to tell him how I feel since he really didn't know.

This is what I meant.



How could he NOT KNOW that it's not OK for him to have a relationship with her?

The thing is I don't think a person REALLY LISTENS when you rant and rave.

Mimi, you may be right on that but at least I got my point across to him, whether he listened or not..I feel he did listen and I feel sure he knows its not ok to have a relationship w/ her but I don't think he understood the magnitude it has had on me b/c I have been so calm, nice, understanding, supportive, caring, compassionate, accomodating, and everything else in Plan A. It was better to "crack" over instant messaging than while he was here...I am going to continue in Plan A and just try my hardest to back off for a bit but still be in touch. He sayd he is planning on coming home in May, which I take it as, he is coming home for good and will want to work on the marriage then. If he decides that he is not going to come home in May and "does not when he will", then I am gonna go into a dark Plan B. I cannot wait forever for him. I think 6 months in Plan A is a very fair amount of time and it will also give me the opportunity to work on me and get my ducks in a row, work on my issues, and get myself settled. I hope I don't have to go to Plan B, I really don't. But I have to prepare myself for the possibilty.

I get confused about whether your goal is to recover your marriage.

I understand. Perhaps you are uncertain. It must be difficult being here alone.



How do you know that you GOT YOUR POINT ACROSS? And, if you did, how does this benefit your MARRIAGE?



Do you actually view PLAN A as being of value?

Also, I UNDERSTAND the "cracking". As others have said, that's normal...but do you see that as GOOD..something that NEEDED to be done?



If in PLAN A, why are you going to BACK OFF A BIT? I still don't understand this.

My goal is to recover my marriage but there are things that have to take place in order for that to happen. He has to agree to come home, IC, MC, HN/HN, etc etc. If this problem is not addressed head on then it will happen again. He wants to sweep it under the rug and that cannot happen. I am not sure if I got my point across but at least I tried. And I am not sure it benefits my marriage or not. When I say backing off a bit, I don't mean ignoring him or not keeping in contact w/ him, I mean that I am going to take this time to continue working on myself, focusing on my goals and what I want to do in life but be there if he needs me. When I say back off, I mean try not to add to his stress level over there w/ R talk.

Okay. Great.

Mimi, is that right? Did I say that right?

Say what right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When I say back off, I mean try not to add to his stress level over there w/ R talk.