|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
sounds RIGHT to me...GREAT!! I know what you mean now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884 |
Hoping,
How are you doing? I was thinking of you and wondering. I know how hard it is to be seperated from your H, and you have the added stress of not having a definite of if he's coming home for sure in May. If you have the time, give us an update.
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
Hey Tigger...well things are about the same...Have not really heard from him in a few days...Got a quick email today bitching about how busy he is, etc etc. Nothing really to it though...I miss him dearly but I am trying to give him his space. I am trying to get myself on a financial budget..I should be albe to pay my bills w/ the $ I am bringing in but I just don't know where the h**l all my money goes...very frustrating...being finanically independant is one of his major complaints and I am trying to work on it but having trouble....I can't afford an accountant and I have looked online for a sample budgets but I can't seem to find a simple one that makes any sense to me....but other than that, I am hanging in there. Trying to make him miss me a little bit to entice him to come home for good in May. Just not sure its going to happen. If he does not, then I guess I will have my answer as to whether he wants to work on the marriage or not. I am doing well w/ the constant thoughts of maybe he is talking to OW or not. I think I have finally gotten thru my thick head that I cannot control what he does over there. I just wish he would contact me more often.
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
Try www.MyTotalMoneyMakeover.com. I think you will find that site to be helpful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
OK, I thought I was numb today but as the day is progressing, I am sliding deeper and deeper into depression. All I want to do is crawl back into my bed and cry myself to sleep. This has been one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I cannot stop crying, I feel so helpless and hopeless. My WH will not call me, email me, or anything. And I don't understand why. His parents will not stand up to him in my defense, b/c they are basically chicken s**ts and don't want to p**s him off and make him back off and not talk to them either. But he is not contacting them now so I don't know what difference it would make. But they are not giving me any support at all in this. Their comments are "I just don't know what has gotten into *****. This is just not like him. He was not raised this way." Blah Blah Blah, friggin Blah. I have been praying all day for strength and asking God to please help me. I don't know what else to do.
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
Tigger, Believer, Orchid..is there anyone that can please help me? I feel so low right now. I have been crying all day and I just need some words of encouragement right now. It takes every ounce of strength just to get thru 60 seconds. I feel so lost. Why won't he contact me? I am improving on my stuff here (at least I am making some headway) so why is he not doing anything? Why is he not holding up his end of the bargain? Why is he not talking to me? I am so depressed right now and hurt so much....
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 699
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 699 |
Hoping,
I am so sorry about what you are going through. Yes you are changing however it is going to take time for him. Go do something for yourself, go watch a comedy movie, do something fun.
I have been where you are at, and it hurts. However you will get through this. Look how far you have come today. Sometimes you make it minute by minute till it's hour by hour, day by day. You will make it through this day. Look at your second line God will get you through this. Lean on HIM. Do something for you today. Put your focus off of you wh and yourself and put in onto God. Ask HIM what he would have you do. You can do this
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884 |
Hoping,
I'm sorry that I didn't see this till just now! I wish I could tell you something to snap you out of your depression, but it's something that you need to do yourself. I feel that right now, you are depressed because you still can't control the situation. You can't make him contact you, and his parents aren't much help either. You need to just let it go for now. Like bjs said, you need to let God have the control and do something for yourself. That's really all you can do at this point. Your WH is basically detatched from the whole situation since he's so far away from you. YOU can't do anything to make him reattach himself, other than just be there, and work on what you can so WHEN he does come home, he will see what he was missing out on by being so selfish to not contact you. Another thing, they may be in a situation that their communications are limited. I know of one person who's father was just extended and they are on NO communication for 40 days! So, you just continue to make yourself better. If you have been sending emails, don't make them sound desperate, but just non-chalant(I know, I mangled that spelling). You can still let him know you love him, but don't make it all sappy. Something short, sweet and simple like, "Just thinking about you. Love you, XXXX"
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
Hey Tigger and BJS, thank you for your words of support...I am feeling very depressed b/c not only of my M, but also my life in general. I am not happy in my 2 jobs and I am trying to find my niche in life. The only reason I am working these jobs is so I can pay for my part of the bills. My H pays a large majority but I pay for utilities so I need to work to keep up w/ that. I also need to work so I don't go stir crazy sitting in this house all day. The bottom line is, I just don't know what I want to do w/ the rest of my life, career wise. I have no clue. I have a 4 yr degree in Criminal Justice, certified as a Paramedic and have been in the airline industry for 12 years. So its not like I don't have things I could be doing but its just the matter of wanting to do them or if I want to do them. I am at a very low point in my life right now and my WH's EA certainly has not helped one bit. I am in IC and we are working on my career path now. We have put M talk on hold right now b/c I have been wanting to focus on myself and what I want. As today went on, I did lift a little bit out of my depression. I went to see my minister and he has been very supportive. He has said the same thing you guys have been saying. Let God take over and he will show you the way. Tigger, I am certain that he still has access to email and phones over there. He is in a fairly safe place. So he is not exposed to a lot of the terrible things that are going on and the things that most people see. He's a contract worker so he is not on the "front line".
I want to thank both of you for helping me out. I really appreciate it.
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884 |
Well, all I can honestly advise you of right now is keep working on yourself! Figure out WHAT you need in your career and go for it. As for the M, well, I can't remember if you'd answered, or if I even asked, but have you both done the EN questionare? If not, why not do yours and try to do one for him, or even slowly ask in emails what his ENs are. THEN, you can work on filling those that you can while you are seperated. Since the emails are few and far between right now, don't hit him with the whole thing right now. In fact, when you think of some different wordings, bring them here first so we can help you decide which might be best right now. I think that once you figure those ENs out, it is going to be a little easier for you to deal with this time away right now. For my H, well SF is like #1 for him, and we know that can't be done between us with me here and him there, but another one is that I support him. One of the ways I can do that right now is just by sending him emails each day. Even if they just say, "I love you and miss you tons!!!!" Or, there was one day where he was at the computer and the email system was fast that day and we were sort of emailing like IM and I just sent, "kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy" Now, I know that I've suggested you not be too mushy, but if the mood between you is such, its a great way to fill some needs for him. I can tell that if I don't email as much one week, the next time we talk he's in a pi$$y mood. But, if I at least send one email a day, he's much happier.
As for what you should do with your career, well, you need to kind of write down what you WANT to do. If its something that you already have training/degrees for, great, see where you can go with that. If it's not, then look into what you might need to do to do that job. Yes, you still need to work to be paying bills, but is it something that you can train for on the side until you can get that other job? I'm the worst for advice on careers, since I've been a SAHM for the past 7 1/2 years, and am just now thinking of getting back into the work force. My plan is to begin working again this fall, so I have just over 8 months to figure everything out. Of course, I've been so comfortable just being at home, sometimes it's hard to just jump in and do it. So, all I can offer for that is just examine WHAT you love doing, and if it's something that you can get paid for.
Good luck and keep us updated.
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Tigger gave you same sage advise. Take a look at your and work on your personal improvements. Try this angle. If your H has been kidnapped (by the WS) and the WS is one confused, frustrated creature (that's what the A does to their brains).....and you are not settled yourself..... what path are you showing for your H to return to you? You want your H to come and fix it all for you? Right now he isn't able to do that, so what will you do? Sit and wait until he shows up? Or, get crackin' and finish your plan A improvements. Take that EN questionnaire. Even if your M was good, the fact that you don't know what you want t/d when you grow up is getting a bit old doncha think? The fields you show you are educated and have experience in are fields with high stress but can be rewarding or fulfilling as a career. So ID your personal boundaries. Btw, in our family there is H's YSIL who is a major flamin' WS and her take on life is that others are there to serve her because 'she has been cursed with beauty'. Yep, that cursed with beauty were her own words she wrote to one of her A supporters. Is that creepy or what? Her education in life is quite limited to what she learned in WS school, which by the way she is one of their TOP students. Not something I w/b proud of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Other than that, she can't hold a job and thinks the world owes her a living..... she is in for one rude awakening. take care, L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
Thanks Tigger and Orchid...once again, wonderful advice...I got an email from him today saying that he has been working about 100 hrs. a week and things are crazy over there. He asked how the new job was going and I was honest w/ him about it (its terrible) but that I am looking into using my degree, etc etc. But he did tell me he loved me. So it was nice to get that from him. I have not been clingy or needy w/ him. Try to stay upbeat other than the response I sent to him this morning about the sexual harassment going on in my new job (he won't like that at all surprisingly) but I emphasized to him that I am searching avenues and fine-tuning my financial budget (just about have that under control, thank the Lord). So I am getting adjusted to only hearing from him every few days. Gives me a chance to really "be alone" and figure things out. One piece of good news is that he contacted the Highway Patrol's office here in our hometown about going to the police academy(which is a good sign b/c he has always stated he wants to be a cop) so I am happy that he took that 1st step to doing that. I have been encouraging him for months to do it. So maybe he really will come home in May like he said. I still cannot get my hopes up about it but I pray all the time. I constantly pray for strength and guidance. Thanks again ladies for the wonderful advice.
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884 |
Everything that you shared with us from his email is quite encouraging, at least to me it would be. He has been working outrageous hours, and is probably completely exhausted on his down time. He showed that he's been thinking of you with the questions about your job(s), and the fact that he's contacted, or is going to contact the PD in your home town is also encouraging. I'm not saying that this email is the complete answer to your prayers, but it's something to not take lightly either. As you get more and more of this type of email, continue to send ones that are short and sweet. Maybe now that you know he's working so many hours, you can send ones like, "I know that you are super busy. I just wanted to let you know that you are loved", or something along those lines. Then, when you get emails from him, asking about your "life" back here, answer the questions. Sometimes, when there are issues that a H would want to be there with you to help protect you, like in the case of your sexual harassment, you might not want to go into too much detail. I say that because there is nothing he can do from where he is to protect you. Kind of put yourself in his shoes. If the roles were reversed and he was your W, and you were in Iraq, and he told you that there were sexual harassment issues at his job, wouldn't you want to be there to "fix" everything? I'm not saying to not share, but try to be sure it's not going to make him too frustrated that he can't be there to protect you. Does that make sense? I think what I'm trying to put forth is don't make him feel like you absolutely can't live with out him, BUT, don't make him feel that you don't need him either. It's not easy, and even after having been through 4 deployments and in the middle of our 5th, I still have my moments. I feel like I accomplish something, share it with Sailorman, and he feels as if he's not needed here, usually during a rough period for him is when that would happen, but it does happen. It's not an easy thing, being the spouse left here at home, and the other spouse, whether military or contract, is out there fighting in one way shape or form, and when we bring up issues like that, it can make them even more frustrated about the seperation.
I think that your plan of action is working so far. It may seem like crumbs right now, but they are of the tastiest morsels, and they get bigger and bigger as time goes on and he sees the "benefits" of why your M is so much better than the A. I hope I'm making sense with this. Keep up the emails letting him know that you are thinking of him and love him.
I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and your situation.
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
Hey Tigger....yea, what you are saying makes perfect sense...I thought, maybe, that explaining or telling him about the sexual harrassment issue may get him a little po'd but hindsight is 20/20...But everything you have said is right on target and thank you so much for the advice...I appreciate it more than you know....
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
Hey guys, I have few questions that I was hoping to get some advice on-Nothing much has changed with WH and me-He did send me an email yesterday wishing me an early Happy Anniversary (which is this Friday-our 1 year, actually). I did say I did not want anything when he asked me a couple of weeks ago if I wanted anything. (Isn't he suppose to know? Flowers or a card? geez). So he apologized for not getting anything b/c he was paying down his car so we can trade it in for a less expensive car and less of a gas guzzler for me to drive (that was the financial plan I have been referring to for the past month). So that is still in the works, which is a good sign. But on the other hand, I did find out that he spent 300.00 on clothes. I guess they are clothes for work, not sure. I guess I assumed (wrong for me to do, I am sure) that he would get me a card for our anniversary.
Another thing that is starting to really bother me is the fact that he is not really keeping in communication about his plans for when/if he comes home. ie, going to the police academy, etc etc. I am getting these phone calls from recruiters and background check people asking for him so I know he is starting the ball in motion to complete his application for the academy for when/if he comes home in May. But why is he not talking to me about this stuff? I am really excited for him and have been encouraging him from day one to fill out that application and go for it. But why is he not even telling me what is going on? He is not communicating with me about it at all! I get the feeling that he is going to do this police academy, come home in May, go straight to the academy, and be there for 26 weeks in training and not have to deal with what is going on with us. Where does that leave us? What in the world am I to do? I am not sure I can handle being in Plan A for an additional 26 weeks after he comes home in May-In fact, there is no way. This is so unfair to me-I am the one who is trying to hold this marriage together-I am the one who is hanging on, barely-I am the one who has NOT walked away even though I did not do the cheating-I am the one who is putting towards the effort to make it work-And I am sick of being the one!
He knows damn well that I am here-He knows that I will always be here (at least he thinks I will).He takes it for granted that I am not going to go anywhere-He knows that I am "at his disposal" and "beck and call" if he needs anything. He takes it for granted that I am always available to him. He knows that I want this marriage to work and I am willing to do what it takes so I honestly feel like he is taking that for granted so he can put all of this on the "back burner" for now and continue doing what he is doing overseas b/c he knows "I am here". This is very frustrating to me. He is not putting much forth an effot b/c he knows that I am. He knows that I will go more than 1/2 the distance to make this work so he has no motive to do any work.
I want to know how I can remedy this- I want to know how to clearly, yet not in a threatening or ultimatum way, get across to him my boundaries. I want him to know how serious this is b/c I am 100% sure that he wants to forget it all happened and sweep it under the rug and not have to deal with any of it. He does not feel he needs IC or we need MC-he wants to forget it happened and continue on. But I need to state my boundaries to him and make sure he understands what is needed to take place in order for this marriage to recover. He is running-He is running from what his responsibilities are and the problems he must face. I need to know how to explain to him and make it extremely clear and concise to him, w/o being demanding or controlling about it, that he must be here PHYSICALLY to make this work-that we desparately need MC and he IC-that it is strongly recommended that we spend 15 hours a week w/ each other. He does not see the crucial importance of this and he thinks he will "go away" if we just forget about it. I have to make my boundaries clear to him b/c if he is not willing to do any of those things or any work towards repairing our M, then I need to rethink my decision about or go into a dark Plan B.
I really need some sound advice on this-you guys have been so helpful to me and really given me wonderful advice.
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
guys, anyone? tigger? orchid? believer? mimi?
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884 |
Hey guys, I have few questions that I was hoping to get some advice on-Nothing much has changed with WH and me-He did send me an email yesterday wishing me an early Happy Anniversary (which is this Friday-our 1 year, actually). I did say I did not want anything when he asked me a couple of weeks ago if I wanted anything. (Isn't he suppose to know? Flowers or a card? geez).
Men tend to take things like this and run with it. You told him that you didn't need anything, and so he didn't get you anything. At least he did wish you an early happy anniversary. So, he didn't forget, he actually remembered. Next time maybe say that you don't need anything big, but it would be great to get some flowers and a card, since he can't be right there with you.
So he apologized for not getting anything b/c he was paying down his car so we can trade it in for a less expensive car and less of a gas guzzler for me to drive (that was the financial plan I have been referring to for the past month). So that is still in the works, which is a good sign. But on the other hand, I did find out that he spent 300.00 on clothes. I guess they are clothes for work, not sure. I guess I assumed (wrong for me to do, I am sure) that he would get me a card for our anniversary.
Are you 100% certain that he didn't get a card? It could be in the mail. BUT, if it isn't remember that when you told him that you didn't need anything, he took that literally.
Another thing that is starting to really bother me is the fact that he is not really keeping in communication about his plans for when/if he comes home. ie, going to the police academy, etc etc. I am getting these phone calls from recruiters and background check people asking for him so I know he is starting the ball in motion to complete his application for the academy for when/if he comes home in May. But why is he not talking to me about this stuff? I am really excited for him and have been encouraging him from day one to fill out that application and go for it. But why is he not even telling me what is going on? He is not communicating with me about it at all! I get the feeling that he is going to do this police academy, come home in May, go straight to the academy, and be there for 26 weeks in training and not have to deal with what is going on with us.
Here's where you need to let go of the control again. At this point, there is nothing you can do to control this part of the situation. At least he is doing some searching and in the city where your home is. So, for now don't worry too much about this since you can't control or change anything about it right now. Maybe see when the next group for the training starts. Maybe you will have a few weeks before then to work on things face to face.
Where does that leave us? What in the world am I to do? I am not sure I can handle being in Plan A for an additional 26 weeks after he comes home in May-In fact, there is no way. This is so unfair to me-I am the one who is trying to hold this marriage together-I am the one who is hanging on, barely-I am the one who has NOT walked away even though I did not do the cheating-I am the one who is putting towards the effort to make it work-And I am sick of being the one!
Even though it was pretty much an EA, he is still a WS. Until he has to actually DEAL with what he's done, he will continue to not be the one to put it all on the line to fix the problems. Unfortunately, you can't force a whole lot of issues right now with half a world between you, literally. Continue to take it one day at a time, and keep working on yourself
He knows damn well that I am here-He knows that I will always be here (at least he thinks I will).He takes it for granted that I am not going to go anywhere-He knows that I am "at his disposal" and "beck and call" if he needs anything. He takes it for granted that I am always available to him. He knows that I want this marriage to work and I am willing to do what it takes so I honestly feel like he is taking that for granted so he can put all of this on the "back burner" for now and continue doing what he is doing overseas b/c he knows "I am here". This is very frustrating to me. He is not putting much forth an effot b/c he knows that I am. He knows that I will go more than 1/2 the distance to make this work so he has no motive to do any work.
I want to know how I can remedy this- I want to know how to clearly, yet not in a threatening or ultimatum way, get across to him my boundaries. I want him to know how serious this is b/c I am 100% sure that he wants to forget it all happened and sweep it under the rug and not have to deal with any of it. He does not feel he needs IC or we need MC-he wants to forget it happened and continue on. But I need to state my boundaries to him and make sure he understands what is needed to take place in order for this marriage to recover. He is running-He is running from what his responsibilities are and the problems he must face. I need to know how to explain to him and make it extremely clear and concise to him, w/o being demanding or controlling about it, that he must be here PHYSICALLY to make this work-that we desparately need MC and he IC-that it is strongly recommended that we spend 15 hours a week w/ each other. He does not see the crucial importance of this and he thinks he will "go away" if we just forget about it. I have to make my boundaries clear to him b/c if he is not willing to do any of those things or any work towards repairing our M, then I need to rethink my decision about or go into a dark Plan B.
I really need some sound advice on this-you guys have been so helpful to me and really given me wonderful advice. I hope this is going to be the right thing, but I think that right now, your M recovery is in a sort of limbo. With him being overseas, it's 100 times more difficult to get things sorted out, and straightened out as well. Keep up with your plan A, but don't be a door mat either. As it's been pointed out to others here recently, recovery is just as much a roller coaster as trying to get the A ended. I'm sorry that I hadn't responded earlier, I"ve been dealing with migraines for the last couple days, and it's not easy to think when they hit me. Good luck and keep posting!
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175 |
Hey Tigger...thanks for responding and I hope you are feeling better. He and I talked today for about an hour on the phone. I got out a lot of things that I wanted to say to him about how I was feeling. It was a good conversation and I feel it was somewhat productive. He reiterated the fact that he is very concerned and upset b/c I have become dependant on him. Not just financially but for my happiness as well. He repeatedly told me that I need to work on myself thruout the conversation. He told me that when we 1st started dating that I was very independant and he loved that about me. Now, he says, it has gone downhill b/c I am not set into a career that I love and I am still dependant on him. Again, he said that I need to work on myself. Not in so many words, but working on our marriage is not a priority for him right now b/c of where he is and the amount of hours he is working in a week (102 hours last week). I told him that I have made saving our marriage these past couple of months my #1 priority and I felt like it was not fair b/c he was doing nothing to meet me 1/2 way. He told me that he cannot do that right now. He is so wrapped up in what he is doing and what he is facing over there that he does not have time nor energy to try to do what is necessary to make it work. He told me that sometimes it is at the end of the day before he can even check his private email b/c he is so bombarded w/ work emails that he has to deal with (100-150 emails a day he is responding too according to him) and when he has the chance to check, he is so exhausted that sometimes he just doesn't do it.
I really think that he is not in "marriage mode" right now. I feel like he has the "single" mentality and cannot focus on our marriage. He said that he has not forgiven himself for what he did and he does not expect me to ever forgive him. I told him that one day I could forgive him and learn to trust him again but I cannot do that alone and by myself. We both have to be present to make this marriage work.I honestly don't think he knows what it takes to be married. I am currently working on a completely different career path involving my degree but I know it is going to take some time. He does not want me to be dependant on him. But I thought we were a team. I thought we were a partnership. I thought we were in this together.
The message I got from him was that I need to put our marriage on the "back burner" for right now and focus on me. And that makes me hurt b/c I feel like he is not a part of my life now. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I feel like I can't go to him and ask advice on something, or fun something by him, or tell him if I had a bad day, or tell him when something funny has happened. I just hurt.
"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband."
BS-38 (me)
WH-34
0 kids
Together 3 1/2 years
Married almost one year before DDay
WH EA 9/06
DDay 11/06
Plan A 1/07
WH asked for LSA 2/07
Plan B 03/07
LSA effective 3/07
H moved out 3/07
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
516
guests, and
78
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
