Here is a problem that I have in a nutshell and it is driving me nuts. In July my H and I decided to have a get together, more at his choosing than mine. He invited all the girls that he works with....he works at a casino and they are all BEAUTIFUL!!! Now, I am not saying that I am an unattractive woman, because I know I am not, however, I had just turned 36 and I have am about 10 pounds heavier than I am used to being ( @ 125 and I am used to being 115). These women come into our house half naked, half drunk, single and flirty. I have 2 daughters that are seeing this. I expressed to my husband that was not happy with the situation and he assured me that nothing was wrong. I wanted them to leave and he assured me that they were just his friends.

We discussed how I felt and he agreed that it was wrong of him not to consider my feelings before all of this. Like he blatantly knew that it was going to make me angry. We got over and past that. Now, I find out that he is hanging out with those same men and women who were at the party , (he is 35 and they are in their early 20's) single and much younger than he is after work. He has been getting off at 2:30 in the morning but not getting home until 3:30 if not almost 4:00. I have caught him with alcohol on his breath and he denies anything. Now he is saying that he is unhappy with our situation, which is another story all in itself, and he wants to move out. I am wondering how much of this has to do with the young, single crowd that he has been hanging out with or how much of it has to do with the situation here at home. When I try to talk to him about things, he says that we can discuss them when we go to counseling. In the mean time, he has been here for 2 weeks and is absolutly trying to drive me nuts , lying, coming home late, etc.)to the point where I have had to get on antidepressants just to function properly.

I have not been the best of wives in the past and I know this, but I have been making a consious effort, even before he planned on leaving. I can not take the lying and the sneaking anymore. Because this has made me wonder if back in July he was lying to me too!!! I am at my wits end and just about to lose it completly!

He has been the best husband ever, up to the point where we had that party. We have been through so much (my seperated first husband committed suicide, losing loved ones, etc.) Now he is distant and unreponsive. He is looking to get out of this house, which he says he hates. I don't know wether to just let him go, because they say, absense makes the heart grow fonder, or fight for a marriage that I know would be the best ever?

Any comments or help would be greatly appreciated as I am losing my mind.

Thanks in advance.

Sassi and Sad

Your H (WH?) actions are not conducive to a marriage or family life. IF her isn't having an A it is only a matter of time with booze, ****** (yes, I used the right word), drugs, late nights, etc.

It sounds as if he is going through an early mid life crisis or something and wanting to enjoy the good ole times of being single, flirting, dating, hanging out all hours of the night, etc. His PARTY was a huge disrespectful gesture.

What would happen if you started hanging out with attractive men, coming in late (leaving him with the children), drinking, partying??? I dare say he would not like it one damn bit. YOU need to deal with this ASAP in counseling or it will only get worse IMO

Sassi - Welcome. Please put your whole story on one thread, preferably this one. I'm getting very confused trying to keep up with it. What you posted above is just a small part of it.

"This is a repost that I origionally had in the Divorced/Divorcing forum. Someone suggested that I repost, so here it is:

HI everyone, hope everyone had a great Christmas, or in some of our cases, as nice as can be expected. I haven't posted here before so please bear with me.

My husband of 4 years (we have been together for 10) has decided that he is no longer happy and has decided to move out. Now, I must tell you that I have been a functioning alcoholic for the last 2 years. I am currently 14 days sober and not missing it at all. A little less than 2 weeks ago, about 10 days, he hits me with this. Yet he has remained in our home with 2 children, after telling them that he is indeed leaving. I have done everything to prove to him, A-I want to remain sober and B-I do not want to lose him. Yet he says no matter what, he has to leave, yet he wants to get marriage counseling.

I am not saying that he shouldn't leave, as perhaps he should, he needs to do what he wants to make him happy. Unfortunatly, it is a little too late for me to prove to him that this is a change in me that I need to deal with as well as him. I went to my doctor yesterday and he put me on antidepressants. (Something that I know will kill me if I drink with them, and I have no inkling to do so)

My question is it normal for someone who is saying that they are leaving to A). say " when I leave" then the next time "if I leave", B). Have sexual relations with the person that you are leaving more than when you were at your happiest?

Also, recently he has been haning out with people that are 10 years younger than he is and that are single, which I think has something to do with the whole thing, but he says that it is not. I am so confused and like I said, we are going to attend marriage counseling, but I am afraid of things that he has not told me. I with my drinking lied and in my recovery have apologized for the things that I have done in my past wether it has been from drinking or from sobriety and said that I can not change what has happened in the past and can only tell him that I promise that what I do now is not going to hurt him as I am making a consious effort not to do so.

I feel that he needs to just go if he is going to go or stay if he is going to stay. He kisses me goodbye everyday and hi when he gets home. Tells me he loves me over the phone when we say good bye. He is literally driving me crazy with all of this. I do not know what to do or where to go. (Marriage counseling does not start until next week) In the mean time I feel so tortured and completly at my wits end.

Any advice or comments would be appreciative. Thank you in advance

~Alecia

--------------------
me~36
H~35
Daughter~16
Daughter~14

Facing impending doom~Soon

~~~Alecia

Post Extras:

star*fish
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Reged: 03/25/02
Posts: 14979
Re: repost ~ Really Confused [Re: SassiRed]
#3156692 - 12/30/06 07:35 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Alecia,

Welcome to MB. As crazy and confusing as this time is.....I think you're going to have to be patient and be careful to "act" instead of "react". Your husband doesn't trust you to stop drinking.....and he shouldn't....until you can demonstrate long enough to earn that trust. "

I guess, if I had been smart, I would have put the other post from the Divorce/Divorcing in here. (Thank you, Stellacat) As I have said, I have not been in the rightest frame of mind. Guess you can tell that from the postings.I guess I will see as time wears on just how to cope with things that he is doing and the things that he has done. From now on it is "One day at a time".

I was not trying to make him out to be the bad guy, I really was not. As our problems are 50-50. I was just trying to make some sense of all the things that are coming to a head. And the things that he is doing now. As I have said, I can't go back on the things that I have done I can only sicerely apologize and show him by the changes in me that I am willing to make this work. I guess at this point it is too far gone. The wake up calls were there, I just didn't answer.

Hi again - The most important thing is that you are a recovering alcoholic, and didn't mention that. I hope that you are in some kind of 12 Step program.

Other than that, your story is very typical. He should not be running with the crowd that he is running with. It is bad for your marriage. But the most important thing is your recovery.

You are right to suspect an affair IMO. Please have a read of the Infidelity stuff on this site and Pep's Plan A thread. They are both linked in my signature below.

Yes, I am in recovery and working on it, with all this it as not been easy to stay sober, however, I am. And nothing or anyone is going to change that. I may need to go back and say that I was not a full alcoholic, but right there on the cusp where it was escalating to that point. (An alcoholic none the less) I would binge drink when things were getting rough. Not just marriage, life in general. (For 2 years) I would nott wake up in the morning, but more or less at night, when he was out either at work or with his friends. I guess out of boredom and loneliness. Losing my grandmother last month (The day before Thanksgiving) did not help much as she was a strong woman whom helped keep my feet grounded. After her passing, it started to get really bad, from binge....to drinking to deal with the loss. I woke up one morning and decided that I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want it and she would have hated me being that way over her. I told him this, and him being the co-dependant, was extremely elated at the situation. Then 3 days after that sobering revelation, he decides he wants to leave. Tough love? Affair that I might have been to drunk to notice? Who knows.

The party that I spoke of earlier was just a tip of the iceburg when it comes to the suspicion of EMA. Though call logs indicate nothing as he is wayyyy smarter than to keep records of the calls that he has made and we have seperate cell phone carriers. He just got one within the past 4 days that is his and his alone, which makes me suspect even more.

As I keep saying over and over...I can only apologize for my actions and behavior in the past with the drinking, I can not go back on it. I can only say that I am going to stay sober and I am going to do the things that make me a good wife and a good person. I and I alone chose sobriety. What he is doing now is what I am concerned about. This he CAN change if he wants to stay married, which is where this whole posting came about. The "if I go" "when I go". He proceeded to ask me today "So how does this work? Do we still date? " He wants counseling, he wants to date, he loves me, doesn't want to hurt me, has sex with me but yet he wants to leave. Wants me to go help pick out him an apartment. (month to month) in case he "wants" to come back. In the mean time, the house is clean from top to bottom (something that in depression was getting worse and worse), dinner is made for him when he gets home from work, breakfast in bed at least 3 times a week, listen to him talk about the exciting things that happened to him at work, a smiling and sober wife that is doing all the things that he has ever wanted (bTW, breakfast in bed happened before any of this went on), a wife willing to take the steps necessary to make this work, but yet, he is leaving. True, my alcoholism is a subject, but how can he know for sure that this is not THE TIME that it actually works, and how long is it that it will take to prove to him? 6 months? 1 year? 6 years? The damage that I did drunk was not an affair, (affair with the booze perhaps) No OM. More or less emotional abuse, "way can't you see how I feel?" "Why me?" That sort of thing. I was not drinking and driving or out at the bars to all hours of the night. I was home, after the kids went to bed. (Until the loss of my grandmother) Alone and depressed. I think perhaps the roots of what I wanted to ask was:

1). Am I right to suspect perhaps an affair?
2). Am I wrong tell him how he is making me feel?
3). Am I irrational in thinking that I should fight for my marriage?
4). Do I just let him go and if it is an affair or a mid-life crisis let him sow his wild oats then let him back with open arms?
5). Am I wrong for wanting some Emotional support from him in my sobriety? (Honest support, not just a pat on the butt with a WTG?
6). Am I wrong to feel betrayed that he is out drinking and carrying on and I am sitting at home?
7). Do I just act as if I am not depressed? Be a bright, smiling person when deep down I am tourmented with all this?

I don't know....

I hope that I am making sense, as my Prozac starts to work, things just seem to come from left field. Therapy and AA are helping, and marriage counseling comes this week. In the mean time, I guess I just go crazy and walk on eggshells with him. Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside. Up and down on this rollercoaster that sometimes I wonder ever stops at the station just to let me catch my breath.

Thanks for the advice, suggestions, opinions and links.

"Am I wrong for wanting some Emotional support from him in my sobriety? (Honest support, not just a pat on the butt with a WTG?
6). Am I wrong to feel betrayed that he is out drinking and carrying on and I am sitting at home?"

No, you are not wrong. You are starting out on your recovery, and right now, we can't guess how much he will be involved.

I'm confused, he asked you to move out but he hates the house and wants to move out? Then he gets his own cell and has been talking to 'other people'?

How long has he been at this job? Is it a job he can change for the sake of his family?

Btw, he is having an A. At what stage (EA or PA) is uncertain but he definately having an A. Even if it is only in his head...which I doubt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

L.

No, he hasn't asked me to move out, he told me he wants to leave because he hates being here. (I am thinking that he is using the house in replacement of me and really hating me)

He has been at this job for 2 years, which is how long he has stated that he has been miserable.

I was so afraid you were going to say it was an A. My heart has been saying it is while the head is saying no. DENIAL. I guess it is time to start the snooping

Thank you for opening my eyes...this wake up call I am taking and not putting on hold.

OMG!!!! Fears have been confirmed. I sat on top of the building that he works at and caught him with OW. Unfortunatly, I could not see whom it was. I sat for 2 hours in the freezing cold to see just what was going on. Saw him in her car for 20 minutes in her car, kissing and what not. I called the cell and he was talking to me while he was in the car with her!!!!! (Forgive me, stomach turning, heart beating rapidly.) I saw them. I got home shortly after he did as he RACED home. I got in the door and was in total shock, I tried to hide it, but he knew I knew. He tried to hide it and I know he knew I knew. I tried to hide I knew, until I could not handle it any longer, I thought that I was going to throw up!!!!! I asked him how long it had been going on. He said only a week. My heart stopped. (After crying for 2 weeks straight) I just couldn't cry anymore. My anger got the best of me. I hauled off and punched him square in the face...not something that I am proud of,(can you say anger issues?) but hope when he looks in the mirror and she looks at him, that they see what they created. (Almost like Hester Prinn wearing the big A) Smashed his NEW cell phone that he has bought in the past week. Now he just has more fuel to add to his hatred for me. We talked for several hours and he told me that he still wants marriage counseling. How on earth can you start an affair when you are talking about marriage counseling? It was a ruse a farce, something for him to say to try to make me feel better.

Sobriety right now is going to be tough, but it is the only thing that I am focused on. I can't worry about this. I have enough. I can;t even think stright knowing that I have messed everything up with my drinking. I never thought that it would come to this.

Oh well, the signs were there. Meanwhile, he is sitting here in our bed. While I sit her numb, dazed and betrayed.

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I think that you need to get into AA, IC, or read 'Three Minute Therapy', by Michael Edelstein.

I believe your husband's affair has likely been going on since at least the party in July....highly unlikely it just started within the last week or two. People in affairs lie about stuff like that....well, people in affairs lie...

It sounds like you have a shot at recovery. I doubt that your husband can keep his present job. He should be willing to find another job if he commits to stay married. He will have to commit to no contact with his affair partner for life and that would be difficult if they work in the same place. It doesn't sound like the job is great for your marriage anyway.

You need to set a better, healthier example for your daughters.

Sassy,
It seems to me that you have alot on your plate. Obviously, your first priority is to stay sober and continue with AA and IC. With regard to the affair you face it seems that you have several things you must do but bear in mind that this takes time:

Research the OW to find out her name, address, phone #, etc. and expose if she is married/commited.
Expose to OM family, church family, and anyone who can influenece the WH to do what is right.
Implement plan A and avoid LB behavior (specifically verbal and physical abuse)
Use the "date" nights opportunity to spend quality time with your WH alone. (Harley reccomends 15 hr per week).

I am sure there is more than many good people here will guide you with also.

Please be careful not to fall off the wagon and not to punch your husband in the face again. This is dangerous for you and your family.

Let your worries about the A be put on God through meditation and contact as in step 11 of the 12 steps:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Bump