my wife and i have been together for 14 yrs 3 children married 9 yrs 10 yrs on feb 14th she states to be unhappy for all 14yrs due to my neglect and working too much she moved out on 12/29/06 we have started seeing a counsle two weeks ago. shes happy on her own needing "her space" leaving me to loose my mind on how to win her back. any help or advise is much needed.
thanks

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LOL Eric, welcome. I think you need to consider the possibility that there is another man somewhere in the mix.

she states that i havent been there emotionally for her so she did seek other male compaionship online and i found out i even call the other man and confronted him, he is out of state and she say it was just talk, she also staes that she wants it to work but she needs space its so hard to give her space when you just dont know the future outcome, i dont want to stalk her but she is on her own and happy and im in out empty house

Plan A is the starting point -

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your wife is having an emotional affair, which can be just as deadly to the marriage as a physical affair.

As you read here, you will see that most WS's (wayward spouses), say and do the same things. When they say they need space, it means they need space to continue the affair.

what if she says its just space from me and we agreed not to see anyone else?

Never trust a WS to keep their word about anything. She likely moved out to feel more comfortable with indulging in her A.

if i cant trust her how can i move foward to regain our relationship?

That's what my WW said before we separated and she then started talking to OM for 1 hour/day on the phone and then hooked up with him in a hotel room 4 weeks later (he lived out of town). She wants "space" so she can see where this relationship leads without your interference. Well, don't give her that opportunity, or you will have more problems to deal with and the affair will be harder to break up. EXPOSE her inappropriate relationship to all that would be in a position to put pressure on her to end it including her family, friends, OM's spouse or family (find out who it is). You will find out she will be less likely to leave you if she doesn't already have a "boyfriend."

See believer's post on Plan A. That she's actually moved out of the house is going to make things more difficult though. You might want to see if she's open to moving back in under conditions you can both agree to.

i tried to set up arragements to alter our living situation before she moved out and she states to this day that she needed more space than that, i have also told her that i want nothing more than for her to come home but i also know that it is when she is ready. my problem is i feel that i have to have a time line. she also wouldnt tell me where she move to other than the twon which is 5 miles away i told her i already knew where she was and she now feels that i invaded her privacy, i suppose i did but i only wanted be sure that she was safe, she said that she would invite me over when she gets setled and i told her that makes it seem like she will be there for a while and i dont know if i can emotionally or mentaly handle that, this has been the most diffcult thing in my life to handle.

Who is paying for her to live on her own???

Is she financially dependent upon you???

Like was said above she wants space to try out this new relationship without interference.

OM is an addiction to whom she "feels" she can't not try...problem is the hole she's digging just gets deeper and deeper as time goes by.

Have you read completely through the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread on the infidelity "Just Found Out" Board herein. That's a good starting point. Appeasement and enabling her need for space will not help your situation at all. She is manipulating you against your best interest. You will need to snoop to find out what you don't know (for example...who is she spending New Years Eve with...quite perculiar she moves out Dec. 29th...find out, but bring the evidence here before you confront...you need a plan first.

Mr. Wondering

Wanting "space" always means "wants space to carry on the affair without interference." She moved out so she could carry on her affair. If she wanted "space" she could have gone in the bathroom and locked the door.

Have you exposed her affair to her parents and other key people in your lives? Who is this OM? Is he married?

she did get a part time job to pay for her appt, she had to have a girlfriend cosign tho. she is spending new years eve with her sister and girl friends. while i will be spending it alone with the kids. she had stated to me that she wanted to move out shortly after thanksgiving, that when i set up the mc. the only book i have read and am currently reading is your love and marriage, also is the an dictionary for the abrevated terms on this site i am new to it and can figure some of them out but not all.

the om is divorced who when confronted via phone stated he tried to hook up but she declined, i havent told her mom because i feel that its between us, however her sister knows, however has issues with me as well.

well, it is not between just you too. You should expose the affair to the whole family. Affairs thrive on secrecy and keeping her dirty secret for her only serves her affair. Do you want to help your marriage or do you want to help the affair?

Secondly, I would VERIFY that the OM is really divorced. Most of what he told you was likely a LIE. She moved out so she could hook up with him.

why would she state to me then that when she gets settled that she wants a date night with me, is that just to pass time? what would he have to loose by lieing esp when were in ohio and hes in conn

She probably suggested a date night to keep you somewhat calmed down. She just threw you an empty crumb. Talk is meaningless coming from someone in an affair.

A man who is screwing around with someone else's wife is unlikely to be truthful. If he were married, he surely wouldn't tell, would he? Because he knows you might call his wife and bust him.

And of course he lied about your W turning him down for a meeting. He wouldn't be expected to tell the truth about that.

"date night" is a manipulative ploy to get you to accept her plan.

She's conflicted.

She's confussed.

She's not sure what she wants to do.

On one hand she wants her family and you...she doesn't YET want to divorce

Date night may keep you respecting her space and keep you hanging around just in case OM doesn't work out...but she HAS to try out OM, cause as she sees it now....he just may be her "soulmate".

Maybe even OM was uncomfortable with going further with their relationship because she married and living at home. He's likely using the "I'm a good guy...I love you but I'm not going to be a home wrecker...now, maybe if you moved out and really demonstrated your marriage was ending to me I'd give you some of the real good "love" feelings again".

So your wife...in order to feed her addiction...needs, er, MUST make a move away from you to appease OM's insecurities such that he'll not feel so insecure and renew giving her the real good OM love she has to have. Now wife is still not sure about OM...like my wife...she likely can't imagine life without you and the kids but TODAY that matters not...she only thinks are far as her next OM fix.

If you think of OM as an addiction. As her crack dealer it's a little easier to comprehend. Would you expect your crack head wife or her crack dealer to EVER tell you the truth? Do you understand that anything you say or do which directly confronts her addiction with be met with the utmost resistance??? I think if it were crack it may be easier for you to stand firm against it but an affair just adds in so many new and unfamiliar dynamics it's a lot tougher to grasp the appropriate reactions.

Key is...this is not your fault. Your wife is lying and manipulating you in order to maintain and feed her addiction to OM. Your instincts, "feelings" and life training will all tell you to just play husband, trust her, be nice and it will work out. Conflict avoindance will only make this worse. This is war time and YOU are being called to battle. Time to man up for those kids, your wife AND YOURSELF.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I suppose your wife told you she was going out with her girlfriends. Sure she may have discussed moving out a month ago HOWEVER, waywards don't function and actually move until the addiction forces them too...I'd bet even odds OM is in town right now...or VERY soon will be.

p.p.s. - I see you have kids...update your signature line to include the stats.

p.p.p.s. - The Just Found Out board has a thread pinned near the top giving all the abbreviations commonly used herein.

pppppppppps - Don't ever tell your wife about this site and your thread

ppppppppps - What is the custody arrangement for the children?????