Hi all - I'm sorry but this is going to be another discouraging post. I really don't have the inner strength or desire to go on anymore. My love for my wife has seriously eroded, but my pain over what she did has not. I will not be a "success" story here.<P>My father-in-law called last night. He said he had a long telephone discussion with W. He told me that my W was extremely happy and that he was happy that she was happy. This absolutely crushed me. He could have kept his opinion to himself. I was under the impression that he and the rest of her family was disturbed by what she has done.<P>W told FIL that yes, indeed, the OM and his W have an "open marriage". OM's wife is OK with this - ergo - NO pressure from her for this to end. She's probably seeing someone in Germany too. I find that very sick.<P>Apparently, all four kids will be coming over to the USA to live with their dad and my W (soon to be ex). My guess is that will happen when their love nest is finished. OM is rich - my W will not be lacking in material things. Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick...<P>I see absolutely NO hope that this affair will end. I truly believe that this will be one of those 3% of affairs that DO work. Why God why? I both love and hate my W at the same time right now.<P>I'm afraid that my W will take me to the proverbial cleaners in the divorce too. MN is a marital property state...she has legal access to the equity in the house, MY 401(k), pension, and other assets. She was the spender...I was the saver - guess who gets screwed?<P>I had two dreams...that I'd grow old with someone and that I would be able to retire early. I've sacrificed many short term goals to be able to save an appreciable nest egg...this is the result. Just? Fair? Sure.<P>My hope is GONE for any reconciliation. My best hope now lies in being able to convince my W that since the first dream is now gone, she show me some mercy and leave me in tact financially. Since I don't have the emotional strength to see her or even speak to her, I must write her a letter to ask her if she could allow me to see my second dream.<P>I plan on writing this letter in the next few days and I'd like to post it here for your comments before I send it to her. Would you please let me know what you think? You must keep in mind that I really do not see ANY hope for reconciliation...all plan A and plan B efforts were completely fruitless. The emotional toll I've paid over the past 4 months has just been too great. This letter is merely to request that she show me some mercy during the division of marital assets. I'll post the letter on a new thread later. Bye for now.<P>------------------<BR>He who has a "why" to live for can bear with almost any "how".<P>-Nietzsche-

I'm so sorry about all this.<P>I don't understand why she has to 'ruin' you financially if her OM is rich. Maybe she'll feel guilty enough about what SHE'S done that she won't clean you out.<P>I'm just so sorry that you're hurting so much. Take care of yourself. I'd tell you to take a bubble bath and eat chocolate, but I don't think it works on you males very well. Maybe you need to find a wooded area and beat the crap out of a tree or two. Oh, and SCREAM at the top of your lungs.<P>

Shattered,<P>It's only been four months. An extremely LONG four months, I agree. I was there four months ago & I know how it feels. Give it time, don't give up. Work on yourself (I know it's so cliche, but it is true).<P>Do the Plan A stuff. This will help you & show her what you're made of. Also, if it comes to divorce & you have not been love busting, she may not screw you over so bad.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Shattered, I really feel the depth of your pain and wish that there was something that I could say to guide you. Maybe your FIL thought all was hopeless in his esteem and didn't want to hurt you anymore. It sounds as though there is no communication going on between the two of you and that you pretty much feel that things are through. It's now time to protect yourself. Take your nest egg to a GOOD attorney, one that specializes in divorce. Tell him/her she is living with OM and though you really don't want to hurt or lovebust her you want to protect yourself and ask him for the aid that he/she should be able to give you. I wouldn't talk divorce with her if it's not what you really want and sending her this letter will imply that you've given up on working things out. But you do need to protect yourself so do see a good lawyer, soon. God Bless You! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Shattered,<P>All I can say is my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry <P>What else is there? Well, I guess what's now there is this: you will grieve all over again, and then you will pick yourself up and LIVE, and you will fall in love again, and hopefully the next time you will grow old with her and she will love you and cherish you.<P>I wish all this for you...<P>HUGS and more HUGS...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Shattered,<BR> Hang on!<P> Yes, see an attorney about protecting your assets. I wouldn't send her the letter. She's probably smart enough to realize that the OM being rich doesn't mean she's protected--as she will have no legal claim on his assets if they split or he dies.<BR>And, as you say, if she likes to spend money, she'll be grabbing all she can get.<P> You say his four kids are coming to live with them? Well, why don't you stick it out and see what happens. Maybe they'll all be real brats and drive your wife nuts. Just think how you would feel if you had gotten used to being in a romantic situation with someone (traveling, etc.), and all of a sudden, you got saddled with his four kids in your little love nest. You know, he'll probably expect her to do all the motherly things for them...keep their wardrobes up, cook for them and clean up after them, tend to things at school, make sure they go to the doctor, dentist, etc. I'm sure they have some kind of help, since he's rich, but surely she'll have to do some of the childcare.<P> So, here's hoping that his kids are spoiled rotten and make her life miserable!<P> Tie a knot in the rope and hang on!<BR>

Shattered - I feel really, really bad for you in this situation. I can maybe understand a little of the pain you're going through, having been through a divorce once myself. In addition to my sympathy, here's a little advice on the legal and emotional side of it.<P>In the first place, though I know this may sound a little harsh, work on getting over her. I would suggest some personal therapy as a good way of working through your pain around loving someone who obviously wants to be with someone else. And I say this having taken 7 years and a new relationship to really "get over" my 1st W. (And I doubt I could really ever get over my current W if she left me, so what am I saying?!)<P>So let me get to the legal part. Agree with chick's about getting a good divorce lawyer, as long as it's come to this. DON'T LET HER TAKE YOU. If the OM is rich, then she doesn't need your money. And don't depend on her to play fair, even though you love her. Also, be aware that in many states (don't know about MI), if you can show that your spouse was having an adulterous affair while still married to you, that really cuts a lot of the legal ground out from under them. And I think running off to live with the OM should be pretty good evidence of that. But check with a lawyer, and ask him or her specifically about this.<P>Man, you are being put through the crapper. I really feel for you and hope this works out in the best way possible for you. Just remember, there is life after divorce! (Also, who knows, when she has to deal with his 4 kids, the bloom may come off of their cozy arrangement.) Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Shattered. I don't know what to say.<P>I am so very sorry. I hope that all works out the best it can for you financially and otherwise. Not good at this today - sorry about that too.<P>My prayers are with you.<P>Lori

Shattered I feel for you, I too think that my wife's affair is one of the three percent.<P>That being said there is hope. I suggest rereading "Private Lies" particularly about Philanderers. Your wife's OM's wife may accept this because it's always been that way, but as your wife continues her relationship, how will your wife feel about sharing her "lover"? How will she feel about 4 kids? How will they react to her? There are so many intangibles that you can't control.<P>Your plan B should be preparing you for things not to work out for you and your wife. You probably will have to go through with the divorce. You do have a right to have your own life. Get on with it and maybe you'll be there to catch her and maybe you won't. <P>I hope you have a good lawyer, remember everything is negotiable. Remember when you are negotiating directly with her, her feet are not on the ground. Perhaps you could "advise" her to get some kind of written agreement with "OM" regarding palimony. I don't see much chance of success for her only a lot of pain. The sad question is when.<P>Again I truly am sorry for your situation I hope none of this comes across too harshly. I only wish I could be of more help.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

Shattered,<BR>I feel awful for you, but like some of other guys have suggested, there is a change in the wind, and some surprizes in store for your wife. Four kids. HEHEHE I have three and her life is about to change DRASTICALLY! Don't give up the ship yet, but do talk to a good lawyer. Your father in law should not act as a go between for his daughter. If she has anything to say or relay to you, tell him you want to hear it directly from her. <P>Good luck, Keep the faith. Give it to God!<P>Sincerely,<BR>Beth

Hi Shattered,<BR> I am SO sorry for how bad you feel....if you feel the need to move on then move on. However, all signs point to this affair imploding.....as someone said, the kids(now that's some reality), the D(your W may get demanding with him after giving up her marriage or he will get bored after he "has"her), the holidays(THAT should be interesting).There are way too many strikes against it , also the fact that the OM is an egostistical selfcentered ...well, never mind. 4 mos. of pain is a long time.....hope you start to feel better soon.......Lu

Shattered,<BR>I too feel so awful for you. For what its worth, I really don't predict longevity for this "thing" they have going. I've heard of open marriages, but at some point, I just believe your W will not be able to stand the sharing aspect. What happens when his W comes to visit? What about when his current assignment changes and he has to go back? Just too many things outstanding in this "arrangement" to make for anything with a long-term foundation.<P>In the meantime, consult your attorney and like Pilot's Wife suggested....Give it to God. <P>God Bless!

Shattered:<P>Only advice I have is as before: “Listen to Chris.” This “relationship” is doomed. One of your winters, cooped up with his 4 kids??? She’ll go nuts. Work on you, and on making yourself the catch Chris is. A catch for your W, of course, but if not... be the best Shattered you can be, for whoever winds up lucky enough to be with you.<P>Try to protect yourself as much as possible financially, although I wouldn’t hold much hope for her giving your wallet any more slack than she gave your heart. <P>BTW... did your FIL find out what kind of plastic surgery she had on Monday, or was it just the initial consult?<BR>

Shattered,<P>Sorry to hear about the latest developments in your story. I understand your feelings about moving on; but, for what its worth, I think the others are correct about the four kids-that's going to change everything. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the happiness because you deserve it. I'm sorry for the pain you are experincing now. Its not fair. I'm praying for you.

Shattered:<P>After a year of this, one of the things I've learned is I can do way more than I think I can. So can you! This is no where near over.<P>Someone suggested the readings. Focus on the stuff about romantic love and affairs. On average, the buzz is gone after two years. Your wife's behavior is COMPLETELY CONSISTENT with someone in the romantic, obsessed phase of a new relationship. That never lasts (and I do mean never). Read or reread After the Affair, Private Lies, The Five Love Languages, Torn Asunder, and Surviving an Affair. Each can give you hope.<P>One other thought. The OM has an open marriage and is in this intense, obsessed relationship with your wife. What do you think he will do when the bloom wears off? He's got no ties to her and his marriage is not at risk. Don't you think he'll just buy another playmate to repeat the in-love cycle? Think about it. He's in love with being in love. Your wife is doomed.<P>Harley advocates Plan A and Plan B for a number of reasons which are good. But he also makes one very strong point - you will have very little success (he says deposits to the love bank) while the affair is active. That's why he sends people in your state to Plan B. Since there's really no wooing you can effectively do now, protect yourself and protect your love by getting away. Really do it! Plan B gets much, much easier after the first six weeks or so, and it is also very empowering once you realize you don't need your wife's approval to do things. You're free to pursue things ou love and to indulge yourself. You'll see.<P>One final note. When your wife crashes from this (and she will), it is going to be some fall from grace. She will find her life in ruins. Think about keeping yourself strong so you can help her through this. She is going to need you.<P>As the others have advised, speak to an attorney. But control yourself regarding divorce. Make her do the dirty work and string out any effort. You can do this, Shattered. The strength is within you.

Shattered,<BR>I agree with everybody about hanging in there with his children on the way. I thought my w was long gone too until we had a big fight one day and she threatened to take the children from me and the very next day, OM DUMPED HER ! She said his wife gave him an ultmatium about taking my w on cruise but they had that planned a long time ago, so I think that the kids had a lot to do with it.<P>You may want to ask your w when she will being watching your kids too(I can't remember if you have kids now, sorry!).<P>Also check with your lawyer about protecting your assets. Can you sue him for alienation of affection ? You probably can't keep up with him financially but what the heck? IF he loaded, your lawyer might take it on contingency.<BR>You also may want to start converting things to cash and hiding it if you can.<P>Remember anything you had before the marriage is still yours.<P>Best of luck, hang in there but prepare yourself for the worst, that way you will always(most of the time)be ready for what ever she throws at you.

Shattered,<BR>I don't know what to say, You have been such an inspiration to me and such a big help when I was down in the pit of dispare. Hang in there if you can, I know it hurts but give it a few days and see if this is still the course of action you want to take. <P>I am pulling for you in what ever you decide, Let me know what I can do to help. Your in my thoughts pal so keep that chin up, eh.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Shattered, I have to say I totally agree with RWD!!! You probably could sue him for alienation of affections. When I originally posted I was thinking that with her moving out and having the affair that you had a better legal standing and needed to enforce that. But given a hardship of 4 kids (MY LORD< ALL AT ONCE???) and maybe a lawsuit, this relationship could be really rocky. Ok, that's the evil thought and not exactly not a lovebuster but a good thought. Like I said before, don't send the letter, your aren't giving up and that's the message it sends. Take it easy and give yourself time to think correctly and do take that little nest egg and protect yourself right now! God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

A wonderful book called "When the vow breaks"<BR>written by a lawyer who wife had and affair and divorced him. He gives some wonderful legal advice and tips on how get through the pain of what your going through.<BR>

Shattered1,<P>Get your mind off the pain. Completely give up on the relationship, you can't compete with wealth. This is just a cold hard reality, it has nothing to do with you personally.<P>I know I'll get blasted for saying that by the other well-meaning people in this forum, but you don't need sugar-coated wishful thinking, you need truth that will help you protect your financial future....which will also greatly help you attract a new woman in the future after you recover.<P>Focus on protecting the money you planned and strived so hard to save. Hold back the rage and be as happy as you can for your wife when you have to be with her (I know it sounds ridiculous, but you need to protect your financial assets, this is all that matters.) It will also help in your personal emotional recover to fake a show of strength in her presence.<P>If she sees you as giving her your blessing (she's seems to like open marriages for the time being), she won't be as eager to plow through a messy painful divorce to access your every account.<P>The Father-In-Law reminds me of O.J. Simpson's Father-In-Law who couldn't wait to reap the financial/social benefits of having a wife beater around. He's probably happier about this than your wife is.<P>Ignore his comments. Monica Lewinky's parents are extremely proud of her seducing such a powerful man. If you can focus on finances, you won't have as much anguish to deal with, it will get your mind off of the blues.<P>Emotions fade, finances are ALWAYS in your face.<P>Hang in there guy!<P>