Dear Betrayed,
One of the greatest challenges of infidelity is that your world gets knocked off its axis. Your life feels out of control and it's easy to find yourself at the extremes of your own personality. While you definitely don't recognize the alien your wayward has become... you might not recognize the wreck you turn into either. You may vacillate between robotic and chaotic....zoombie angel and avenging valkerie.
If you've ever seen the movie Apollo 13....your spacecraft has just been rocked by an explosion, it's shimmying and rolling, and none of the computerized navigation systems can "right" it. "Houston, we have a problem".
So tonight, as the ball drops in Rockefeller Square....I want you to become an Apollo Astronaut. Your ship is in dire trouble. You've just "lost the moon" and you may have even lost your ride back home....you have to overcome the odds and make it back to Earth. To do that....you have to find balance and keep your wits about you. You have to accept what you've lost, and work with what you still have. You've got to use your assets in ways that you've never had to....in ways that maybe....they were never designed to be used. You're Tom Hanks and Luke Skywalker rolled into one, and you've got to use "the force".
Balance is the key.
MB is a balanced approach to infidelity. It's not about ignoring what the wayward is doing and just "improving" yourself. Confrontation and exposure are the things that balance the EFFORT that you put into correcting your own contributions to the vulnerability of your marriage. You must remember to balance your expectations....both for yourself and for your wayward. Don't lose yourself in their chaos. Don't allow yourself to get stuck in the extremes of who can be...instead of who you want to be. Find your way back to center....because you can be the compass for your marriage.
A wise poster who has since left this forum once said: "Be the thermostat....not the thermometer." Set the temperature....don't measure it. Ark's "Be the lighthouse" carries the same message. Get your emotions in hand. Demonstrate the same behavior that you would like your wayward to demonstrate. Lead by design...and lead them back to the fold. Keep the light on the porch on....and don't lose your faith because faith is powerful indeed.
A huge challenge that betrayeds face is the possibility of losing "self". It's humiliating to feel rejected and "replaced". It's easy to feel imbalanced and off-kilter. Don't doubt yourself. Stay frosty. Remain yourself even though the ship is on treacherous journey. Guard your health....and see a doctor. Get help for sleeping, anxiety, depression if you need it. Try to keep eating. Don't forget the children....not only do they need you...but they are an incredible source of balance.
Get support....no matter what contribution you've made....you're not responsible for the waywards choices. Own your own stuff....but don't take on theirs.
Don't settle....an unrepentant/unremorseful wayward is NOT READY to do the work of recovery. Find balance in patience and integrity while you present same standards they must adhere to. Keep your eye on the prize....if they are still fogged...they are still dangerous to you as a person. Don't be so afraid of losing them, that you get sucked into the chaos....stand your ground....stay on your feet.
When those Apollo astronauts had to correct their trajectory and get home....they had to do it by putting the Earth in that tiny window.
Be the Astronaut. Be the Earth. Shoot for the stars.
Happy New Year
