Hi everyone,

I'm new here and need advice.. I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of 12 years had been cheating on me for the past 4 months with another woman he met through an online dating service.

We had been having a few problems for the past several months, he had been nit picking at our marriage for a while and found a lot of faults with it and with me. He first came to me in the Summer and out of the blue told me he was unhappy and that I was no longer in love with him and he couldn't be with a woman who didn't love him. I was bowled over by this, I truly never saw it coming.

Yes my love for him had weakened after 12 years of marriage and 3 kids. The passion and sparks that were there at the begining were no longer there, but he still was and always had been my whole world and I adored him. I had supported him through every thing he wanted to do, put my own life on hold so he could pursue his dreams, gave him everything he could ever possibly want from a wife, except for the things he was "lacking".. The passion, butterflies and sparks he desperatly wanted to feel again.. So right up until me finding out what he was up to I tried so hard to make him happy and I tried to bring back those feelings he desperatly wanted, but nothing I did made him happy and he just kept accusing me of being cold and incapable of showing love.

A few weeks prior to me finding out about the other woman I finally had enough of trying to please him and told him that we should split up. He agreed that's what he wanted one day and was cold and distant, then the next he was loving towards me and said he realy wanted us to stay together and work at our problems. So yes he certainly rode my feelings like a rollercoaster for those few weeks..

When I found out about the other woman I instantly kicked him out of the house and vowed it was the end of us. He ended the affair and promised to be the best father he could be to our children to make up for what he had done. He has been coming over to see the kids constantly and is proving to be a fantastic father to them now. They actualy prefer dad living away because he gives them everything they want now..

My biggest problem is this past week I have had a lot of moments where I truly feel so much love for my husband and want us to stay together and work through this, we sit down and talk and I forgive him and we both try and make an effort to salvage our marriage, then in a blink of an eye everything he's done comes hurtling back at me and then I hate him again and can't stand to be in the same room as him.. Then a couple of hours later I'm fine again!! I know it's only been 2 weeks but I am shocked at how all over the place my emotions are and haven't a clue what my tue feelings are anymore. I don't know if these feelings of love for my husband are genuine or am I subconciously grasping at the life I once had? OR do I realy hate him so much that there is just no hope of us ever re-building our marriage and I'm just wasting my time and his trying to revive something that is dead?

I'm so confused, it's driving me nuts.. I really need to know if these ever changing feelings I am having are normal and when does the fog start to lift so I can see what I truly want?

Thanks for listening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lesley..

welcome Lesley

HOW do you know he ended the affair?

because he said so ???

hmmmmmmmmm

Pep

Welcome to marriage builders. You really described the feelings well. You will hear from a lot of folks here who know exactly what you are going through.

We always advise folks to strap on their seatbelts, and hold on.

Healing takes much longer than anyone not familiar would think - about 2 years.

Is he willing to give you all of the detail that you ask about? Will he be willing to be an open book to you - give you access to his phone, computer, etc? Will he write a no contact letter to the other woman? Will he go to counseling with you?

Yep! The emotions will come and go on and on etc.

But as Pep said you need to find out if it is truely over before you can move on in any direction positively.

Way too much still needs to be done before you can think reconciliation.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have been welcomed by some of the best on this site and this is a really good site to be using to re-build your marriage. Stay with these people. Your feelings are very normal. Listen to the advice and take a look at your husband's behaviors and see if you can determine if he has really ended his affair. That is the first order of business but you can re-build your marriage and your relationship if that is what you and your husband (formerly wayward husband?,) want.
Lake