Hi, i'm 18. i was told today by my parents that hey have been having issues for some time now. 'Struggling' as they have put it. I didnt know if they meant with money or something else. But they told me that they don't have the same feelings for each other as they used to. They dont have the same Love as when they were young and newlyweds. My mom decided to leave the house for a few days and rethink things. I dont know what to think. Its really hard.
Now i'm worrying of the thought of divorce. I really dont want this family to break up. This news to me was completely out of the blue. My dad tells me that my mom is just not happy any more. Beingn only 18, and never feeling things like this, does anyone know or relate to whats happening in my family?
I dont know what to say to them.

Hello {{{Kashu}}},

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.I can relate to what is happening.Like many,I am a child of divorced parents who first began the arguing,then "falling out of love", not being happy,etc.And now I have gone through it again as an adult and I also have kids who have now gone through it.It's an ugly business and painful too.But you don't know if your parents are getting a divorce yet.Hopefully not but I am here to say you can survive it and thrive too.

Please know one thing: I am sure that both your parents love you very much.As adults,no matter what is happening to us on a personal level,the love for our children is always there.And you are in no way at all to blame for whatever they are going through ok?

Another thing I think that is important to know is that the same kind of love that you have when "falling in love" never really lasts.Love in relationships and marriage is transitional.It doesn't mean bad it just changes .So when a person doesn't feel the same "high" anymore for many many, years,which isn't really possible,they think something is wrong and start looking to other areas to figure things out.

So when your parents say they don't have the same feelings for one another,that may be true but love and those feelings can be found again if they work at it.That is what a lot of this website is devoted to.It also deals a lot with cheating too so not knowing what is really going on with your parents it's hard to say how bad it all is.

What you could say,just as a suggestion,is that you are scared and need to know what is really going on.They may not be ready to tell you every detail but living in fear of the unknown can be worse for kids.Parents try to protect you but in reality it may only just fuel the anxiety.

Just be honest about your feelings and please don't keep it all inside.You do need to express it as you go along ok? Talk to friends,other family members,your parents, a counselor perhaps.Are you still in school? Do you have any brother's or sisters?

I'm sure this is all very hard for you right now.Your world as you knew it is starting to unravel.It's a very hard change to witness.Please come here and talk if you need to.We are here for you.


{{{HUGS}}}

^^ Bump Anyone else ??????

Welcome. I'm so sorry you're here.

I was 21 when my parents split up. There was no arguing at all. It was a shock. I'll never forget that night. My life is divided not by my own divorce but by my parents. So, just because you are 18 doesn't make it a darn bit easier.

The unfortunate problem you face is you can't control what they do, and they may not want to listen to you at all if you start telling them there are things they can change to save your family.

This site has excellent information. One of the key pieces of the puzzle is that spouses often feel they've worked really hard and they have, but they've been working at the wrong things. A wife puts little love notes in her husband's lunch, but what he really wants is for her to clean the house or seduce him once a week. (I know, sex--parents--ICKY!) Or a man keeps taking his wife out to play golf when she really wants him talk to her about his inner most feelings. So, if your parents fell into this trap there may be hope.

From what I've read and observed, it's much harder to reconcile if the spouses have already been through marriage counseling once or twice or more. Then, the changed feelings may not be from romantic lust and infatuation to calm love, but from romantic lust and infatuation to downright hatred. Good parents will not tell their children they hate each other, but often they do. If the latter is the case, you probably wouldn't want them to be together any more.

So what can you say? I think "I love you and you'll always be my Mom/Dad" says it all. Just tell them that over and over.

Now, I have some practical advice. You need to establish some clear boundaries with your parents. If you become one or both's confidant, you will most likely end up with very conflicted loyalties. You could drive yourself nuts. I've been there, done that, got the tee-shirt. You can say "You know, Mom/Dad, I feel uncomfortable when you talk about X in that way. I love you both very much."

You can also establish early on some holiday routines. I go to my dad for Christmas Eve and my mother Christmas Day. Thanksgiving is terrible and I used to go to BOTH houses. Don't try this. You'll be exhausted. Personally, as much as I love my family, I think Thanksgiving with friends is a better bet. Or volunteering.

Boy, I hope your parents can work it out.Check back in with us and tell us how you are doing.

I think the wiser course of action is exposure of the affair that one of the parents is almost undoubtedly having - I am guessing your mother, since she is the one "not happy anymore." Exposure has been very effective for a number of couples posting here, both in ending the affair and in preserving the marriage. I believe it would help if you would talk to the parent who you believe is the betrayed spouse and confirm the affair, and then confront the other parent, firmly but without violence.

Dear Kashu,

As a teenager, I engaged in working one parent against the other.

The questions you bring to the situation, may help your parents come back together.

I used to try to get my father to be unreasonable to me, and then complain to my mom, and get sympathy. I did this by deliberately provoking my Dad, so he would impose some stiff punishment, that seemed disproportionate, but I already knew where my dad's buttons were, to push him to appear to be unreasonable. Actually, my Dad was being reasonable, conisdering the warnings he had already given me on the issue.

My slow college son is slacking on his effort with the chores, slacking on his grades, and slacking with reasonable hours getting home and to bed.

A man's power in the home can be diminished or expanded by the efforts of the Son or other children. A man's appearance of authority in the home can have a substantial impact on the FEELINGS OF LOVE from the Wife/Mother.

So I suggest the question of, "How can I make Dad look more Honorable and Respected in the home?"

My son leaves his articles in the Living room. Sometimes he picks up his items before my wife gets home. Sometimes his stuff is left around for hours or days after my wife sees his stuff. Each time my wife sees his stuff around, my son gets a mentally noted Demerit from my wife. In additon, my Wife issues me a Demerit, for my failure to have the power and authority to develop better habits for our son.

Question: "Dad, can you give me any ideas of how I can create more Honor and a feeling of Respect in the household, myself?" Certainly Honor and Respect are issues for husbands and wives, so my illustrations may have to be reversed, to be accurate in other situations.

Love is a decison, not a feeling. The feeling of affection will rise and fall, but the freedom from STD's which Monogamy brings is a treasure to be enjoyed. How are you at giving your parent's some extra privacy? Have you ever offered to stay at a motel, or at a friend's house, so they can have some privacy in the house for a couple days? Are you good at being predictable about saying when you will be awsy, and when you will be coming home?

Do you realize that if your parents get divorced, and get re-involved with others, you are going to have a lot less potential for support from your Mom and Dad, because their allegiance will likely be preponderated to their new families.

I am in the process of asking my son for time to go out to lunch or breakfast,to elaborate on the issues I have laid outhere. I avoid discussion of any controversial issues in the home, to avoid an appearance of disrespect to me, in the home. I am sheduled for breakfast with my slow college son tomorrow. When are you taking your Dad out for a talk?

But my main emphasis will not be on my son's demerits, or the mental demerits he bestows on me, viea my wife, but rather I am asking for some positive news items. He is the captain of his sports team, How is that going? He is getting Registered for Spring Semester, what is the news? He is planning to get ahead on some of his upcoming asigments. How is that going? What Extra Credit concpets can he give me to present to my wife?

Nellie, that is irresponsible posting to a dependent.

How do you KNOW there is an affair? How is it the child's responsibility to expose it IF there is one? Talk about putting an innocent person in a double-bind! You did it with that advice. She risks losing the love of one or both parents if she exposes a supposed affair, or if she doesn't, yet thanks to you feels she has the responsibility to, then she feels guilty for not be willing to bring the wrath of her parents down on her.

Not only that, exposure of an affair is NO GUARANTEE that the marriage will be saved.

However, all that is moot since to the best of our knowledge there is no affair.

Dear Greengables,

I was writing to Kashu as if Kashu were male. I re-read the post and profile, and do not find gender mentioned.

I agree there is no mention of an affair, and hopefully that is not the case. Certainly would make things more challenging for an 18 year old son or daughter.

I still think that Kashu can just feel self-confidence, based upon a renewed devotion to school and chores, to make the household run as smooth as possible, and otherwise avoid adding any unneceassary challenges to the marriage/family.

thank you greengables, and not only that BUT she just gave this poor child something else to worry and stress about when there is NO reason right now to think that is the issue at all!

Nellie i have to ask... do YOU EVER have anything positive to say? you seem like, in any posts of yours i have read, to be a very bitter and unhappy person.

not ALL marriages that are unhappy have affairs going on at all. geez!

mlhb

kashu,

my parents divorced when i was 15. my advice to you would be to talk to both of your parents about your feelings and fears. ask to talk to both of them together. right now neither one of them have said anything about divorce right?

so, be honest, keep nothing inside. talk to them both, cry if you feel the need to cry. be honest, completely honest. i always encourage my children to talk to me about anything and about all of their feelings. sometimes when parents are having issues they kind of forget, not on purpose, but they forget about the children that are involved. remind them you are right here and you want to be able to talk to them and tell them your feelings.

and come here and talk if you need to, we will try to help.

hugs to you, i know it is scarey and not easy.

mlhb

First of all, Kashu is not a minor. In her post, she stated that she is 18. Of course an affair is the first thing that would occur to almost everyone on this board. If Kashu has not considered that possibility, she could drive herself nuts trying to figure out what's going on. A spouse/parent in the midst of an affair will make up excuses for why they are leaving that are completely illogical and off the wall, until the person trying to reason with them or understand why they are leaving thinks he or she is losing his or her own mind.

My older kids (18 and 16 at the time) were very upset that I did not share my suspicions of their father's affair with them as soon as I suspected it. They knew that he was having an affair as soon as he left. They told me that everyone knows that men or boys don't leave unless there is someone waiting in the wings. I have learned from their reaction that keeping them in the dark is far more harmful than allowing them to know the truth, however unpleasant that truth may be.

Kashu - you haven't responded in almost a couple weeks. ((((HUGS))))

I'm hoping that you're still reading. Please understand that some people post from their experience and some post from their biases and hangups.

It's not your job to put your parents back together again - although that may be your heart's deepest desire. It's tough enough being 18, and all of the life decisions that are ahead of you, to have your parents forgetting that love is a verb more than a feeling.

Do you have younger or older siblings? If so, you may find yourself burdened with being stronger for them, while your own feelings hang heavy in your chest.

There is a book I have recommended to others on this web site, but I feel it's even more important for you to read - and perhaps leave laying around where your parents might pick it up and read it too. It's called "The Four Agreements". The beginning of the book is very insightful into your situation - your "dream of life" and your parents "nightmare" and understanding the dynamics of those relationships and beliefs that have lead them to this point - and their impact on you and your family.

Another excellent resource is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend - I don't know if you are Christian or not, but even if not, this book will have an impact on where you can draw the lines with your parents so that you don't get pulled into their drama and the inevitable side-choosing that couples splitting up do to their children. There are valuable biblical references that add additional support for Christians, but the core content of the book will help you stay centered, even in your parents' chaos.

The best thing you can do is be your best self, focused on truth and returning responsibility for your family to your parents. Don't miss an opportunity to express your love and hope that they can get past this.

Seek for resources that will bring you peace. I'd be happy to share more of my experience and resources with you - just let me know.