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Believer is right -- the stress is not in the information you get from snooping, but from the knowledge that your wife is engaged in an ongoing affair.
You simply have to know what you are up against! Know your enemy.
I like your "controlled showdown", its exposure. I think OM needs to be exposed too. To his family, business contacts -- whoever will disapprove and make him stop pursuing a married woman with 3 children.
That is why you should not give up your evidence. No No No.
OK -- now about Plan A. You said you know your weaknesses as a husband. What were they, and how did you fix them? Has your wife seen changes? Have you been consistant in demonstating changes?
You're in real danger of throwing out an ultimatum that may result in your wife leaving -- which I don't think you want.
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"To our Counselor's credit (I think), he did advise I NOT snoop at this point because of the added distress it will place on me. He REALLY sees her as needing a good amount of time to come around because of her guilt & distance from God. My knowledge of continued contact - for now - should be avoided."
HUH????????? Snooping doesn't cause the added stress on you, the fact that your wife is still in contact with her lover does. I second this opinion. Snooping to find that your WW is NOT in contact with OM is actually quite relieving.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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On my weaknessess as a husband - alot of the baggage is from personality stuff. She has a tight family. I was an only child of a dysfunctional home. This is the foundation of our relational struggles through the years. So, no reference point as a husband, a father, or a "friend" for that matter.
Anyway, I can't be held hostage by that anymore. Counselor calls it my "scaffolding" from years past.
To move forward and meet my WW's needs, she needs to be willing to receive my actions and affections. Communication - REAL communication- is stonewalled while she is in the Fog. The deep emotional connection is an impossibility at this time since the OM has gotten her love and affection for 3 years. I also need to dramatically improve my listening skills, but this too is hampered by the subconscious since much of my attention is now redirected to the Problem.
So, I'm in a tough battle here, not wanting to do ultimatums but knowing I have to draw the line somewhere, all the while communicating to my WW that I CARE without "seeming" vindictive. I perceive her as being sincere on one hand, but conniving (due to the Fog) on the other. The best illustration of her mental state is seen as she reads her devotionals on her God-journey while ignoring the emotional knife in my back. Because of this irrationality, I do not want to jeopardize any true "restoration" she is really into.
Yikes!
ABetrayedHubby
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You are in a conundrum -- because it sounds like your wife is very withdrawn from you. So now you're trying to force her into being receptive -- because now you have it all figured out, but she's not interested. I suspect your wife is very angry. At you. Does this article strike you as your wife? The Walk-Away Wife
By Michele Weiner-Davis
Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?
In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.
After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.
While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."
Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.
If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?
If you're a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you.
Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she's a soon-to-be walkaway wife. If so, read the posts on the divorcebusting.com messageboard. Don't crowd her. Don't push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes... and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.
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I am sorry to see you are going through such an ordeal - it is very tough. I too snooped - but I will say this - sometimes you know what you know without having to see the evidence. I got all kinds of info - and it just drove a stake through my heart - I suppose I needed it -
It sounds like there are a lot of folks pressuring your wife - you, the pastor, friends, and it all serves to make this more inviting for her.
What I did was say, Look if you want him, go have him - you should go be with someone you are going to be happy with - and if that's not me, it is hard to hear, but I will be okay - I wouldn't want to be with you if you don't want me- and just be totally confident -- then TOTALLY back off - act like you just won the lottery and could care less - tell her if she wants to see him go for it, but she can't have both - again, maybe this is bad advice - but it worked for me - I ignored her like the plague - let her have her boyfriend - she was back wanting the marriage within 3 weeks -
But what I am finding now is that I am not sure I want her like I did - it is really hard to know all of the crap you find out along the way and still move forward - Good luck my friend -
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Here's a long shot suggestion:
There are currently 7 states in the USA that still allow for alienation of affection lawsuits.
If you or the OM live in one of these states, you might have a case against him. Simply filing one might scare him away.
Also:
Snooping is not the source of your stress. Dwelling on the A is. And if you're not getting reliable information, you've only got your imagination 2 dwell on - not a healthy thing. (not needing 2 snoop is even healthier, but your far from that position).
Exposure 2 loved ones isn't what might cause heart attacks. The OM's actions that require exposure will.
Finally:
You may be responsible for 50% of the condition of your marriage before the A 2k off, but you are 0% responsible for your W's conscious choice 2 have an A.
-ol' 2long
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BetrayedH,
You have received good advice so far, but you are missing an elementary but powerful aspect of this site. It is in the "planning" of your actions.
If you would read the articles here, there are several phases of action you need to take. The first is Plan A, read about it carefully. The posters here have been guiding you with various aspects of plan A. Make a detailed plan for yourself INCLUDING a time line for reevaluation of your progress and your goals with regard to this marriage. The next step is PLAN B, this is often required if the A continues and there seems to be evidence that the affair is continuing at least on an emotional level. Make sure read and really understand plan B.
Now you, as do most that come here, want to take action to sort out this mess. Here is where Dr. Harley is somewhat unique. He realized from his experience that MOST A's end once exposed to the light of day. It can take 6 months, or even years to have them end. The secret to having the marriage survive is getting the betrayed spouse/husband (BS/BH) to survive this with some love in tack. That is what plan B is about. You MUST go to plan B before you lose your love for your W. If you wait until you have lost that love, you will have NOTHING to use when recovery actually starts. And you can believe that recovery is very hard and will tax you. So don't wait too long for plan B.
Now, for you to survive you MUST have a plan of action. Rather than issue ultimatums, you need to do as has been suggested and that is state YOUR boundaries. To do this without love busting you need to truly understand your boundaries, have a timeline for reevaluation, and understand that this affair is NOT about what you did or did not do. The survival of the marriage is about how rewarding the marriage has been for you and your W.
So start with your boundaries, start with your plan to change how you have been contributing as a husband, start to understand the true essence of plan A and plan B. Take these action items and make a very detailed plan of action for yourself. By all means continue to see your councelor, but also take action to protect your children, your finances, and your role in your children's life. See a lawyer NOW. Understand your options, your strengths, your weaknesses with regard to the law.
In short get to work, you have a lot to do, and have you noticed little of it has to do with your W or her current "feelings". Feelings come and go as you well know, but commitment, and devotion are the bedrock of a good marriage. Start making a commitment to your own actions and devote your time to being the best father and best husband you can be.
The affair is very likely to die. If it does not, there is really little you can do, because you had NO SAY in the affair to begin with, it is between your WW and the OM.
Focus now on your plans and your family. You cannot directly affect her decisions, but your actions and plans will help you, your children, and just maybe your W.
Please think about this.
God Bless,
JL
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Agree: She IS emotionally withdrawn. The positive: She is cordial and keeps a superficial level of communication with me.
My WW SEEMS to be TRYING to get realigned to with God. But without an all-out marathon Truth Session with a third party, I feel we're stonewalled. From the night I confronted her she requested I not sleep in the same bed with her. To avoid an immediate explosion, I consented. It's either on the sofa, in the guest room, or at our place of business (small hotel) when I do the night shift.
Unsure: I would invite her to "relocate" and pack her bags (tough love, become a prodigal) BUT then there's my 3 kids 15,12 (girls), and 9 (boy) who think the world of mom. They'd be wrecked emotionally, I think. THIS keeps me at bay right now. I'm trying to protect them while trying to get the A situation rectified.
I'm also concerned about the "what if" of a divorce where custody is concerned if I kick her out. This is effectively an ultimatum and may be a death blow if she is fully detached from me.
Hence, I use "conundrum"!
By the way, there is no A of A law in my state. I checked it out.
I even thought of spending a few bucks in placing an announcement in the OM's home paper. It's not liable or slander if there is evidence and acknowledgement, right? Is this vindictiveness or taking the offensive?
BetrayedHubby
BS - 52 (me)
WW - 42
Three kids 15, 12, 9
DDay - 10/4/06
Length of A: 3-4 years very clandestine.
NC: Hasn't verbally consented yet! She's on her "Journey" with a counselor!
Status - Very Surreal right now.
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From the night I confronted her she requested I not sleep in the same bed with her. To avoid an immediate explosion, I consented. It's either on the sofa, in the guest room, or at our place of business (small hotel) when I do the night shift. relocate yourself back to your marital bed ... without comment if she wants to sleep alone ... she moves , not you Pep
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Agree: She IS emotionally withdrawn. The positive: She is cordial and keeps a superficial level of communication with me. This is part of the WS script. Get the BS 2 back off and enable the A 2 continue by being "cordial". Guilt-tripping you 2 believe that the A is YOUR fault, not her decision (my W did this, I'm sure everybody's WS did 2, whether they verbalized it or not). My WW SEEMS to be TRYING to get realigned to with God. But without an all-out marathon Truth Session with a third party, I feel we're stonewalled. As above. From the night I confronted her she requested I not sleep in the same bed with her. To avoid an immediate explosion, I consented. It's either on the sofa, in the guest room, or at our place of business (small hotel) when I do the night shift. Is this what YOU want? If it is, then enjoy yourself. If it isn't, move back in2 your own room and let her move 2 the couch if she doesn't like that. Unsure: I would invite her to "relocate" and pack her bags (tough love, become a prodigal) BUT then there's my 3 kids 15,12 (girls), and 9 (boy) who think the world of mom. They'd be wrecked emotionally, I think. THIS keeps me at bay right now. I'm trying to protect them while trying to get the A situation rectified. This won't work because your motivations are misplaced. It will NOT be your exposure 2 your kids that wrecks them emotionally, it's the A. Holding this in doesn't protect them, it prolongs the confusion and pain that they're experiencing, whether they're able 2 verbalize those things 2 you or not. Many people can offer advice as 2 when or how 2 inform your kids, based on their ages. The subject evokes a lot of discussion. I'm also concerned about the "what if" of a divorce where custody is concerned if I kick her out. This is effectively an ultimatum and may be a death blow if she is fully detached from me. I think that, more often than not, the WS will scare the BS in2 believing that they'll be the cause of the end of the M if they go 2 plan B or make ultimatums, but the truth is that it's always the WS' actions that cause marriages 2 end, assuming that they ac2ally do. If, on the other hand, the BS takes a firm stand for his/her family and marriage, accepting no nonsensical guilt-tripping from the WS, the WS may just rediscover or find new respect for the BS and want the M back. Many WSs may need 2 crash and burn before they can recover, though. And BSs in those sitches need 2 be able 2 sit back in their lawn chairs, with drinky things with paper umbrellas in them, watching the slow train wreck without interfering. Hence, I use "conundrum"! Take responsibility for your choice of the term. It's only one if you let it become/remain one. By the way, there is no A of A law in my state. I checked it out. The odds were against it. There is one in the state where RM lives, and I seriously considered it a number of times. I even thought of spending a few bucks in placing an announcement in the OM's home paper. It's not liable or slander if there is evidence and acknowledgement, right? Is this vindictiveness or taking the offensive? You should do what you need 2 do 2 put pressure on the A. I think that's going a little out of the way, but exposing 2 family is entirely appropriate. -ol' 2long
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I'm definitely not the expert like the others here, as my FWW came to her senses much quicker than most but I wanted to touch on something you said upstream: Above all, I do NOT want to "undermine" (as it were) God's workings in the crisis. Believe me, if you break up the A you are acting as God's agent, not someone undermining His work. Your WW and the OM are the one's undermining God's plans. Do you want to break up the A? Do you want to do it out of love for your family, or just to be mean to her? Look at your motives and you'll see that YOU want to do God's will. Sometimes God's will involves confrontation and difficult things. Do not wimp out. Listen to the advice you get here. Exposure to the light of day will destroy the excitement of the A. In fact, when my W came out of the fog, she seemed relieved to no longer have to keep the OM happy. I did her a favor by forcing the end of the A. As for the kid's opinion of her, I firmly believe in protecting them from the A unless the have to know because of divorce or some other reason. BUT, you must protect your children from someone who is no longer acting as a loving mother. She may be doing the surface things, but a truly loving mother will NOT have an A. So, the kid's may love her, but she is poison to them right now. My FWW cries every few days because of the danger she exposed our kids to. Someday your W will wake up and see that she was selfish and a danger to the people she loves the most. Above all else, move back to YOUR bed and make her move out. Don't LB, but stop trying to accomodate her. She is not the woman God wants her to be and she is not acting in the best interest of your family. Much love and God's grace to you.
BS(me) - 44
FWW - 44
DS - 16
DD - 14
D-Day - May 31, 2006
Married - 21 years
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What a TREMENDOUS outpouring of info, everybody!
I am set to talk to my pastor on Thursday 1/4. I am going to inform him that, as the BS I feel it's time (90 days) to turn up the heat. It's amazing how "cordial" my wife is now, but I think she is relaxed in my very-low profile. I know that the OM has contacted her via vtxt and vzwpix (Verizon) methods. I don't see much FROM her TO him in her account, but she can have other accounts. Not a bib deal cuz I already know the OM's "apology" to me in October is a farce and my WW is still in a Fog.
I am going to request - firmly - a Truthing Out session be held next week.
I go back to my own bed after I inform pastor of my plans. She can explain to the kids why she is sleeping elsewhere. I agreed with the pastotr back in November that I would abide by a 24-hour rule before I DO anything and inform Him as a check-point. This can save me from doing something stupid.
I will kill text messaging after I inform the pastor.
I have the ability to download every page of my WW's e-mail account at-will. Once done, she will see nothing but white space in her account. This will have a devastating effect. Can someone tell me where "invasion of privacy" (legally) kicks in here? Can I be sued?
Depending on the outcome of our Truth Session (if it happens), I am inclined to OUT the OM through his parents, kids, and local newspaper. Anybody ever employ the services of a lawyer to send a Cease and Desist letter to an OM? Maybe a legal threat will make him poop his pants and back off. I don't know if there is really any power behind the threat (I'm in Ohio), but it still may shake him up.
Above all, SOMEHOW I need to clearly communicate to my WW that I love her and will fight for her. But if she wants to go to the other side of the fence, the door is there.
As for the Loving Mother idea, she has the veneer of a loving mother, for sure. You couldn't tell from the outside that she's a deceiver.
One other thing - my wife has a friend who herself just got divorced and is morally questionable. She sent my WW an e-mail that says:
"GOD DOES LOVE YOU! All that you need and all that you have comes as a loving gift from Him. He already knows what you have done (or failed to do). He knew all about it before He chose to reach out to you in love. There is no sin, no shame, that His love has not already covered for you."
Now, I see this as a poisonous lie twisting the Truth of God's character and grace. Anyone agree with me? This is another reason my WW is complacent - a warped view of grace/forgiveness which effectively eliminates confession/repentance.
I'm ready to do "loving battle" as the leader of my home. Carefully, methodically, firmly,and with a resolute determination.
Any more insights or comments are appreciated. I can't believe that this A thing has rocked SO MANY of you folks on these threads! Too bad there's no BS-Annonymous club to join! Or, maybe this is it!
Betrayed Hubby
BS - 52 (me)
WW - 42
Three kids 15, 12, 9
DDay - 10/4/06
Length of A: 3-4 years very clandestine.
NC: Hasn't verbally consented yet! She's on her "Journey" with a counselor!
Status - Very Surreal right now.
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I go back to my own bed after I inform pastor of my plans. She can explain to the kids why she is sleeping elsewhere. I will kill text messaging after I inform the pastor. Why dooes she have to move out? My WW slept in our bed every night of her A. She could have moved out at any time she desired but I was not going to. It seems she came home for security from what I could tell. Can someone tell me where "invasion of privacy" (legally) kicks in here? Can I be sued? Sued by your' WW? I really don't think that is an issue I would be concerned with in your' home on your computer etc. etc. No such thing as pirvate communication in an honest and open M. It's only when they have something to hide that it become a problem and it's all Fog Speak!!!! Depending on the outcome of our Truth Session (if it happens), I am inclined to OUT the OM through his parents, kids, and local newspaper. Anybody ever employ the services of a lawyer to send a Cease and Desist letter to an OM? Absolutely let everyone know about the A you can. But don't be slanderous in a public forum as in Newpaper would be my thinking. Think Cease and Desist might be worth a try at least. Couldn't hurt. Probably not very effective though unless it has some teeth. Maybe a legal threat will make him poop his pants and back off. I don't know if there is really any power behind the threat (I'm in Ohio), but it still may shake him up. Don't Threat or Bluff. They may call you on it. Make it a real stick if you are going to use it. Like maybe have the Lawyer draw up a Alienation of Affection Law suit against OM?
Last edited by JustKeepGoin; 01/03/07 12:08 AM.
JKG
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Depending on the outcome of our Truth Session (if it happens), I am inclined to OUT the OM through his parents, kids, and local newspaper. Anybody ever employ the services of a lawyer to send a Cease and Desist letter to an OM? Maybe a legal threat will make him poop his pants and back off. I don't know if there is really any power behind the threat (I'm in Ohio), but it still may shake him up. Why on earth are you hesitating with exposure? It is the single most effective thing you can do.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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One other thing - my wife has a friend who herself just got divorced and is morally questionable. She sent my WW an e-mail that says:
"GOD DOES LOVE YOU! All that you need and all that you have comes as a loving gift from Him. He already knows what you have done (or failed to do). He knew all about it before He chose to reach out to you in love. There is no sin, no shame, that His love has not already covered for you."
Now, I see this as a poisonous lie twisting the Truth of God's character and grace. Anyone agree with me? This is another reason my WW is complacent - a warped view of grace/forgiveness which effectively eliminates confession/repentance. Absolutely and it is one of those "safe" sounding rationalizations. Yes, God does know our hearts and actions. He knows what we have done in secret and will do in the future. But the fact that He still loves us in spite of our sin is not license to continue in sin. Do you know if this statement from her friend was in response to comments from your wife? Perhaps your wife expressed feelings of shame or being undeserving of forgiveness and her friend was trying to help. My wife's first OM said much the same thing to me at one time. I confronted him about continued contact with my wife. He expressed sorrow and remorse to me for the pain he'd caused. I made a comment that there is forgiveness in Christ and he said, "He has already forgiven me." Sounds good, sounds right, hard to argue with. However, what I didn't know at the time was that much of the OM's words to me were lies. He wasn't sorry for what he'd done. He was still doing it. I even pleaded with him as a brother in Christ to tell me if the contact was continuing. He looked me in the eye and said, "No". I found out later that day he was still talking to her. It's easy to twist the concept of God's forgiveness to cover our shame and "justify" our actions. What I think most wayward spouses miss in the early days of the discovery/recovery roller coaster is the "remorse" part. Repentance requires them to turn away from their sin and not go back. Romans 6:1-2 Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? (NLT) Blessings to you, betrayedhubby. Recovery is a rollercoaster of all sorts of emotions. I, too, have chosen (along with my wife) to not tell our children about her affairs. I commend you for this and the strength it takes to persevere.
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BK:
The first 4-5 weeks of this nightmare I was in the midst of initial emotional "convulsions". Immediately after D-Day I set up the first pastor session. She went along and agreed to counseling, sans repentance. We were then provided with a professional Christian psychologist with whom we've met for 2 months. Counselor agreed that it would be good for her to at least inform if she was unwilling to repent. Within the next week, my WW planned her family "inform them but don't repent" visits and did do promptly. Also, this is when I went into "I Spy" mode and dug up the e-mails.
After her visits, my WW's mom visited us - it was W's birthday week and the visit was pre-planned prior to the D-day. W said she had NC with the OM any longer and we were in counseling. THAT DAY I intercepted e-mails and said "hey mom, look at these". Mom was very upset. Then, I informed her sibs via e-mail. Later that night, when WW found out I informed the family, her first mega-convulsion hit, she called me on the phone (I was at work) and was beside herself in tears that I was trying to "drive a wedge" between her and her family. Well, that made me feel terrible at the time - I felt like I was playing God in the situation. WW informed the Counselor. Counselor e-mailed me how I was damaging the healing process, that I was being vindictive, filled with anger, quoted some Bible verses regarding love, patience, etc. So, both the pastor and counselor have, until now, wanted me to back off because they see my WW as WAY far from God, needing time and space to work through her issues. The A had been 3-4 years and these things take time, right? I am sensitive to doing things God's way, so I placed myself under the church's (Baptist) authority.
Now it's coming to 3 months. OM is still contacting my WW. I suspect that she is sending pix to her own e-mail account, texting OM, and he retrieves the pix.
Love is patient, kind, etc. But patience implies a delayed decision, giving time. The question is how much time is enough for a sincere heart to come to grips with a betrayal against me, family, and God. Hense, other websites have indicated to wait 90 days before any major decisions. Hence, my planned talk with the pastor/counselor about the Truth Session and my next steps.
Meanwhile, I am trying to maintain my composure and integrity.
Any thoughts? THANKS for taking the time to write and care! This stuff is excruciating, isn't it?
Betrayed Hubby
BS - 52 (me)
WW - 42
Three kids 15, 12, 9
DDay - 10/4/06
Length of A: 3-4 years very clandestine.
NC: Hasn't verbally consented yet! She's on her "Journey" with a counselor!
Status - Very Surreal right now.
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Whoops, I think I did a blooper this morning. WW said to me "Well, have a good night sleep?" (We run a small inn and I did night shift - it's pretty empty this week). I said "Not too good." "OH?" "Why?" she says. I reply as I look at her, "Haven't really slept well for several months" To which she says "Maybe you should look into getting a sleep medication".
Well, I COULD have launched into a verbal attack, but just shut up. Then I read about the "180" plan on this forum and it hit me that I probably showed weakness (poor me, I can't sleep because of YOU!). So, I need to buck up and hold my head high....
Anyway, the "180" says "don't snoop". Most of the other threads say "snoop!". I don't get it. Any thoughts?
Betrayed Hubby
BS - 52 (me)
WW - 42
Three kids 15, 12, 9
DDay - 10/4/06
Length of A: 3-4 years very clandestine.
NC: Hasn't verbally consented yet! She's on her "Journey" with a counselor!
Status - Very Surreal right now.
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Joined: Jan 2006
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What state are you living in Betrayedhubby?
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 241
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 241 |
BH - I second what Artor said above. Your W's "friend" that said God forgives all is cheapening God's grace. God's grace came at a huge price...to continue sinning is to cheapen the free gift. This is a horrible twisting of God's word.
Look, love is patient, kind, the whole I Cor 13 thing. But would you patiently sit by while your 3 year old child played with a knife? Would you withhold discipline? Love is tough work! Sometimes you have to be firm and harsh in love. No LB's, but strong. You want to be a strong man that your W will be able to look back on as a man that would do ANYTHING to save the family.
Go to your W and tell her that instead of sleep medication you've decided the solution to a better night sleep is to sleep in your own bed. Then thank her for her concern for your well being. These are the things you HAVE to do. You are not doing anything outside God's will...she is. Save your marriage and don't enable her sinful behavior.
I'll say a prayer for you, hubby. I can tell you are a real man that can handle this difficult task.
BS(me) - 44
FWW - 44
DS - 16
DD - 14
D-Day - May 31, 2006
Married - 21 years
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Joined: Nov 2006
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FWIW
Still think you should moveback into your marital bed. No statements about it just do it.
If she asks just say "It's my bed as well as your's. I am here to stay and I hope you will stay as well". If she wants to move to the guest room or whatever it's her choice.
JKG
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