Hi everyone.
I'm hoping you all can shed some light for me....
I'm in an exclusive relationship with a wonderful man. He's 4 years divorced from a cheating spouse, 2 children...I'm 2 years divorced, cheating spouse, 2 children.
He includes me in his life in every way; with his children, his family, we do holidays together He is supportive and caring.
He lost his Mother (whom he loved) several years ago, tragically. He then was betrayed by his spouse (whom he loved)as well. Because of this he had a very difficult time saying "I love you", because when you love someone deeply and lose them the pain is unbearable. After 10 months or so of dating exclusively he told me he loved me on two ocassions (he feels people throw those words around lightly). Shortly afterward, he lost his brother tragically <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> and never said the words to me again. A few months later, I asked him about it and he said he doesn't love me but cares deeply for me. He adores me, thinks about a future with me, says that I am the most wonderful and amazing woman he's ever known and loves being my boyfriend and feels blessed that I am his. He says that he has "feelings of love" for me...
Here's my question:
To him, being in love is to practically be willing to die for that person. It's the kind of powerful bond one has with their family...he said he doesn't know if he is ready to risk that much again...
I understand what he's saying, He is honest and gentle but still I sometimes feel a need to know that I am loved by him. Everything he says and does tell me he is committed to us...is it wrong of me to want to hear it...know it??
I don't want to end things with him by any means, but sometimes I feel like I'm selling myself short. But he's wonderful. I am soooooooooo confused.

He's still morning the loss of his brother which may have also triggered some old painful memories. It sounds like he's confused and needs time to heal. Give him credit for being honest. If you want the relationship to work, you're going to have to give him encouragement and time. Only you can decide whether it's worth the wait.

{{{bluerskies}}} It's not wrong for you to want to hear it.

From what you have told us, I think he does care for you very deeply and you mean a great deal to him.
I think it's fear. Fear that if he admits how much you mean in his life and to him, he will lose you.
He has had a lot of tragedy. I think his emotions are raw.

Question for you? Is he able to tell his children that he loves them?

I don't think this is something to end a relationship over.
He will need to face his fears most likely at some point and re-learn that loving does not mean losing that person.
He may need help [prof.] to get there, not sure.

K.

Thanks so much, both of you, for your insight. I do give him credit for his honesty and I do feel his pain. I think it's natural for me to want to hear his feelings reciprocated (the fact that my ex was a serial liar/cheater causes me to need that reassurance now and again) He tells his children often that he loves them. They are his life, and he devotes a lot of time to them. Karona, I don't want to end my relationship with him. It's just frustrating sometimes being on my end of things. I'm having a pity party today, lol.
I hope that he can work through this, and I agree that he may need some professional help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Absolutely! and you deserve to.


Promising to me. I had wondered if the words coulnd't come out of his mouth out of fear.


Sorry, I thought perhaps you were questioning.
I don't read any flags other than he is struggling with the past.
I'd say give him time as long as everything else is in check.
Best to you both!

K!

bluerskies,
It is not wrong of you to want to hear it, no.
However, you also said,Are you saying you don’t trust his actions (i.e., “everything he says and does”)? Will you find the words “I love you” more believable than his actions?

I don’t mean to challenge you too hard here. Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. I guess I’m trying to help you clarify your feelings a bit because in some ways your post is contradictory. Evidently, you do not feel loved, and you think that hearing him say that he loves you will make you feel loved.

But if you don’t already feel loved, I find it hard to believe that those words will make a difference.

Is it possible that he is holding out on you in some other, perhaps hard to express, way? Or is it possible that your own past has left you with a lingering feeling of being unloved that his loving actions can’t erase? If either case applies, then I don’t think his words are going to help as much as you hope they will.

I was that way too honestly. When my STBX and I were dating, she was telling me she loved me on the second date... and was upset when I wouldn't say it back. To me, love was something that had to develop over time, maybe perhaps a different period of time for each person. My STBX cheated on me with another married man, and the pain from that really tore me up. Frankly, I doubt right now that I will be able to trust anyone with that part of me which I shared with her. When one is hurt in such a place that you keep so private, is so close to who you are inside, it is maybe really hard to open that door for someone else again.

If you ask me, give it time. Sometimes actions can speak louder than words, sometimes you don't need to say it. He is probably working through a lot of tough feelings and need to sort them all out.

Thanks for the advice, Kuky and all.

I will share my experiences with the "I love you's". In my marriage (and I will say that my 12-year marriage was dysfunctional in EVERY way) - my ex-husband said "I love you" all the time - unfortunately everything else that was said and done in our marriage told me otherwise - he really didn't love me - they were just words.

I'm now in an exclusive relationship (1 1/2 years) and I think he and I have exchanged the "I love you's" just twice. Do I like to hear it? Yes. Does it bother me that he doesn't say it all the time? Nope. I'd rather hear it twice and KNOW that he means it than to hear it all the time and it means nothing.

My boyfriend has no problems saying "I love you" to his kids. He says it every single time he talks to them on the phone, or we go out to dinner with them, etc., and I think that is wonderful and it makes me happy to know that he does know how to love and does know how to express it.....

Best to you both!
Laura

wise words <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> thank you.

Everyone that your BF loved either died or crushed him . . . perhaps he is trying to protect himself by not saying the words to you at this time. I know if I had had his recent past I wouldn't want to tell someone that I loved them . . . Judge how he feels about you by his actions. Words can be very cheap sometimes.