Just read 31 reasons to stop an affair on www.hope-now.com

I was thinking maybe I should send this to WH, sort of as a last ditch effort on my part to "wake him up".

Or should I even bother? Would he read it? He's not admitting to me he's in an A, do you think he's even admitted it to himself?!

I don't know. It might make an impact if he's wavering. I can't even tell anymore.

Any FWS's want to chime in on if it would have made an impact on them when they were WS's?

Catgirl,

Your sitch sounds much like mine...I tried sending this same info to WH about 2mo after D-day#1...lets just say he verbally acknowledged it and then went on to 5 more OW over the course of the next 6 months...not saying that it will be the same with you but if you send it DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING from it...send it to make you feel better not to exact change from a WS.

I read your Christmas gift thread and have to say I had been feeling identical to you lately...I just decided to detach and move on...he keeps showing up and spending time (on his schedule of course), makes leading comments and implies he wants to reunite but his actions are incongruent and he can't commit...he wants to be an eternal cake-eater and would be if I allowed it to continue...I feel for you and understand your pain. Hang in there, whatever you decide to do just realize you are the one with the power, the decision is all yours...sometimes that is the toughest part:)

Peace

Cat:

When my H was deep into his affair, I gave him a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR to read and he said "This doesn't apply to me." Steve Harley himself told me: "You can be a TEACHER if you don't have a STUDENT". So, in answer to your question, I would say, sending him information to read is useless. Have you noticed all the folks continuing to smoke regardless of the warnings about the dangers? Sorry, Cat. You can't talk someone out of an addiction. It's not based on reasoning.

Didn't you have a coaching session with Steve Harley? What did Steve say about your situation? The very best thing to do is to follow his advice. Have faith in the MB Plans. Where are you with this? Plan A or Plan B?

Mimi,

Yes I did talk to Steve. He felt that I needed to go back into Plan B, to "reset the button". I blew it over the holidays, but we thought it was best to have WH come to the house to see the tree for DS's sake. As I stated in my previous posts, he is having a VERY hard time through all of this. Just breaks my heart.

Anyway, I guess I'm just tired of trying to do Plan B and not really getting anything out of it. I know Plan B is for me, and not to bring WH back, but I'm just so tired of it all. I'm on AD's, but they are useless I think. I just have had enough I guess, but then the next minute I want to keep trying. I'm so messed up!

I wish I knew how you all got through it for so many months. D Day was only in May, and I'm ready to throw in the towel. I just see it as hopeless and WH won't ever see the light back to us.

I know you tell me not to assume, as what you assumed with your H was wrong, but I truly think he is happy with OW. I have given him so many chances to come back, told him if he ended it with OW, we could work things out. He's still with her. As I said I see it as hopeless and why bother?

Maybe I should just give up and move on. Not what I really want, but for my sanity, I can't go on like this much longer.

I'm tired of everyone telling me to do things for me. My IC tells me to stop using all the energy on WH, and put it on me. I know I have to, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I have a spa appt. next week, to "do something for me". I really could care less to even go. Just doing it I guess because everyone tells me I should.

I know I'm pathetic!

(((((catgirl))))

Again, my heart breaks for you, and for your DS. I prayed for you this morning. I wish I could do more.

LilSis

I love your screen name, BTW.

Lil, thanks for the prayers. That really means alot to me knowing that others care for me even when they don't know who I am!

I'm a prayerful person, trying to truly believe that God really has a better plan for me, but it is so hard.

I pray for every one of us daily. People praying for me really means alot. Thanks!

This is not true. Plan B is aimed at Marital Recovery. I would not have RECOVERED my marriage without PLAN B. But also an outgrowth of Plan B is to help to relieve the pain that results from continued contact with him.



By you giving up, you are handing your H over to the OW on a silver platter. This is a CHOICE that you are making.



Cat, I wish I could encourage you to believe in the MB PLANS and to work them. Your situation is no different than mine or others. The only difference is your CHOSEN RESPONSE.



Think he was happy with the OW? THINK? I knew my WH was HAPPY with the OW. He was definitely IN LOVE with her. I worked the MB PLAN in an attempt to have him FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN.....His A lasted more than 2 years and he was starting all over with her. He thought she walked on water and was the perfect woman. I REFUSED TO JUST GIVE UP AND LET HER RUIN MY LIFE AND FOR THE AFAIR TO DESTROY MY FAMILY.

I'm not saying that your outcome will necessarily be the same as mine...but I wish you wouldn't just give up and not try because you can't MIRACULOUSLY TELL HIM TO STOP IT. You have spoken to the EXPERT and he has told you what to do. Why are you wanting this YOUR WAY?



What makes you think that you can just TELL him not to be with the OW? If that were possible, there would be no reason for MBers...ALL OF US HERE WOULD LOVE TO WORK THAT KIND OF MAGIC.

I feel like I'm being hard on and I hate to talk to you like this when you are feeling down..but I'm trying to let you see that YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY....

This is a BATTLE and IT HAS TO BE FOUGHT. It's a CHOICE THAT YOU MUST MAKE TO DO THIS. Otherwise..go ahead and hand him over to her...

At the end of the day, don't you want to be able to say that YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE?

RECOVERY OF YOUR MARRIAGE IS INDEED POSSIBLE UNLESS YOU GIVE UP.....

((((CAT)))))

catgirl,

Please follow the advise of SH and Mimi,

Plan B is part of the program. Yes, it feels like you are doing it for only you, at first, but after a while, you will begin to clear your own fog, and start to understand that your WH is lost, so very lost. Look, truth is, you may never recover your marriage, there, I said it. That is true of you and me and eav, and so many more, BUT, I don't make decisions based on what MAY be; I'm making them based on my needs and wants; MY CHOICES. If I choose to D, that will be because I am truly ready to move on, but I don't see my WH running to get the LSA signed. He's been slowing the process all of the way, because HE has not made his mind up. That's okay.

Now that the holidays are over (Whew--we made it!!!), it is a good time to reevaluate WHY you are HERE at MB; what do you hope to gain; Recovery? Well, you can only do what YOU can do, stop thinking about what WH is THINKING. It's a tough thing to do, but you have to try.

If you can't find the strength to make up your mind right now, just FOLLOW what SH told you, like a good soldier. Just because you are not leading right now, does not mean that you aren't fighting. Get darker and darker in Plan B. There are no guarantees, but you will be fighting as best you can, and will make better decisions, for YOU.

Mimi,

Thank you for your post. No, you are not being hard on me at all. I need a kick in the butt once in awhile. I have to follow what people are telling me, I know, it's just I guess I don't see it working for me.

Please know, and I do sincerely mean this, that I look up to you and envy you for making your M work. I wish you were here with me at my house to coach me minute by minute because I truly think I am doing everything wrong.

I know what I'm supposed to do, then I slip up by getting an email from him asking what time he should pick the kids up or whatever. When I tell him I need to not see him because of what he is doing is disrespectful to me and the kids and it hurts me, he then says how can I say I want to work on our M, when I ignore him then? I then tell him that when he ends his A, we can talk about it. And of course nothing has happened in that area.

I've already filed for D months ago. I feel like doing that I did hand him over to her. She filed a few weeks after WH got served. Her D is already final. I imagine she did that to be a free woman when ours is done. WH is not one to back down, and once he retained the lawyer, I think he's going through with it.

I even told him awhile ago the reason why I filed. I needed to protect me and the kids and once I found out he was living with OW, I felt that it was over between us. I now realize I was WAY too hasty in filing. I'm trying to drag it out as long as possible with my attorney and all, but I think it will be over in the next few months.

I told him also that all because we are in the D process, doesn't mean he can't stop it if it's not what he wants. I told him that it wasn't what I wanted, but felt I had no choice.

O.K. Mimi, you will my mentor from now on, if that's O.K. I will do what worked for you, but one last stupid question...

You said that Plan B was what recovered your M. Now as you said you have no idea if things will turn out for me, like they did for you, but he has already been getting his needs met from OW now for 9 months. He has not indicated to me any intention of coming back. Matter of fact he keeps buying new things for his apt. What is me going dark into Plan B going to do now? I think he will see it as a punishment, even though I told him the reason for it, and he will feel as he said already to me, that I am ignoring him and he's seeing my "same old self" shine through. (I ignored him in our M at times, was controlling etc.)

I don't want to hand him over to that wh#re.

Please guide me step by step, minute by minute...

Share with US again EXACTLY what Steve instructed for you to do and/or his take on things. You must have talked to him at least 45 minutes or so. He said MORE THAN to go back into PLAN B. Why did he recommend that?

Have you sent a Plan B letter?

hey cat

you're asking the same thing that i am. my H is also getting all of his needs met by OW.....for almost 1 1/2 years now. i'm afraid that "out of sight out of mind" applies in my situation after all of this time in plan B

Mimi,

Prior to talking to Steve I sent him an email explaining my situation. I didn't want to waste time telling him my story on the phone. He told me he appreciated that.

We talked for over an hour, and honestly he did not craft a plan to get my WH back into the M etc. He did tell me that he felt that WH was probably in a MLC... younger woman, new car, toys for his new apt. etc. He said that I should not even include WH in the equation. I should focus on ME. Don't worry about what WH is doing with OW etc. I have no control over that. Use that energy on me. (My IC tells me that all the time too!)

Steve wanted me to pick 3 goals to work on and really work on them for ME. Again, not to even think about WH.

He said if I wanted to touch base with him again in a month or so to let him know how I'm doing, that would be fine, but he didn't insist on it.

He then said I should "reset the Plan B button" and go back into that. He did not really say to go dark, he did allow me to see WH when he was to come over to see our tree per request of DS. So I hate to say it, but it sounded to me like a "soft" plan B. I know there is no such thing, but he didn't seem concerned that I might see WH at times regarding DS.

I asked him how would WH know that I've changed. When he left months ago, he knew the "old" me. Shouldn't I show him the "new" me? He told me that he hates to put kids in the mix of things, but he said it's inevitable that the kids will mention things to him about me, the house, etc., and he will then see how things are different.

He also said doesn't WH get it? He's a smart man, yet he's doing this to his kids etc.? I told him I guess he doesn't. He said he is very selfish and self centered right now.

I told him I think he is happy with OW. He told me he thinks they have a "slim to none" chance of making it. He said OW is like a drug to him. He needs his fix. He said eventually with drugs you will give them up or it will kill you. Same with an A.

He told me to stall the D as long as I could, to give WH more time etc. He said I might think about withdrawing the D petition, but then he said WH would most likely file on his own again anyway.

He told me to resend the Plan B letter, modify it if necessary. And that was really it.

He just really emphasized working on me and forgetting about WH. He said that sometimes the BS works so well on themselves that when/if the WS comes back to them, they don't want them after all.

I did send a revised plan B letter. I think I went a bit overboard on it though. I told WH everything that I felt, that was in my heart.

He told me he read it a few times and it was "emotional". He then told me that he doesn't understand me and that he sees that I haven't changed at all, because of the things I wrote in the letter (willing to work on things when A ends etc.) don't correlate to how I'm treating him now... refusing to see him or talk to him, ignoring him.

Remember he has NEVER admitted to me or even implied that he's in an A. He is still adamant that they are only roomies.

So that's about it.

Oh one more thing. Talked to mother earlier about WH etc. She told me if I ever took him back she would disown me, and she's serious! DD said she'd run away if I ever took him back!

I haven't forgotten you.

I'll get back with you tomorrow when I have more energy.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you buy what Steve told you about his affair being an ADDICTION? Do you understand that you can't TALK someone out of an addiction? Do you understand that what he SAYS is meaningless and PURE FOG TALK? It is important for you TO GET THIS. What makes this difficult for you to understand, Cat? THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU CAN JUST TELL HIM SOMETHING AND IT WILL HAPPEN. What is necessary is for you to WORK THE PLANS. You don't tell him that you need to not see him. YOU JUST DO IT. What is the point of TELLING HIM what you are doing? During war, one does not tell the ENEMY about the WAR PLANS/STRATEGIES that are being used in order to WIN.

Gotta go..Back later.

Mimi,

I haven't given up, just am tired of trying I guess.

I will go back to Plan B, although we have to go to a teacher's meeting next week. DS having issues at school and they want both parents there.

I just know WH will see dark Plan B as a punishment, even though my letter stated it wasn't. As I said he can't understand how I can write what I wrote in the Plan B letter, and then not want to see him and ignore him.

He is ADAMANT that there is nothing going on with OW, "it's not what everyone thinks" is his famous saying, they are just roomates, and he just signed a year lease and has to stay for the duration.

It IS what everyone thinks...


ADAMANT, SCHMADAMANT!!! What married man rents an apartment with a single woman? WHATEVER!!!!

If it's not what everyone thinks, then he can move out and find another MALE roommate, right? Blah, blah, blah...that's all I hear...

If your WH doesn't want to be married, then why would Plan B be a punishment to him? Hmmmm, IT WOULDN'T!

So, am I getting it right that your WH has led you to believe that he is unhappy in the marriage, and has left SOLELY on that merit, and not because of an A? Was there an A prior to him moving out and into the apartment with his new roomie? Do you SUSPECT that he has had an A, or do you have PROOF? The reason I ask, is that in my feeble mind, I have either forgotten or misunderstood what you have posted in the past. Maybe I missed the info about his A, I dunno. If he IS having an A, and you have proof, why not expose it? Again, I'm having memory problems and can't remember what you've done in the past (sorry). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Cat,

He does not have to stay for duration. That's what deposits are for. Just move out and on and lose the deposit. But then you already knew that.

Have you thought about Steve's suggestion of withdrawing the D petition. Let WH do the dirty work of filiing etc. Maybe that would start things over from zero and counting. I don't know about that but it is a thought.

Sounds to me like your WH is enjoying the new life without responsibilities right now. But when he and OW have to reallydeal with life in a daily basis things may start to change.

Silent,

Yes, he supposedly left because he wasn't happy with M. Wanted a trial sep. for awhile. Then found out OW was living with him. So much for the trial sep! Said OW had nothing to do with him moving out. Right!!!

I found phone records weeks prior to me finding email evidence of a PA. When I confronted him with the phone records, he said they were "just friends". Like a total idiot I believed him!!!

So I really don't know how long the PA has been going on. I have proof of it going on for 8 mos., bit it could have been longer.

I exposed to all. I think it brought them closer.

Just,

Yes I have thought about withdrawing, and let WH refile. That is still a thought. I swear some days I feel as if I am losing my mind, not sure what I even want anymore!

Yes, WH is definitely enjoying the single life and his new toys without the wife and kids in the way. I thought by now reality would have set in though with the OW, they've been living together for 8 mos.

cat
if you don't want the D....i would withdraw the filing to give my H a clear message that it is not what you want

(unless you have somethin to lose?)

let him re-file if a D is what HE wants

"I don't do divorce......i do marraige"