Hi all,
I am the reason my M is in trouble. Here is the condensed version...
I've not met my W emotional needs for quite some time now.
I had a problem with pornoghraphy that made her feel degraded but I thought she was making a big deal out of nothing. This was an on/off thing for almost 4 yrs, until I got a program that recorded my Internet activity and emailed them to her weekly.
She never did trust the program b'cos of the fact that I work in the IT field and she felt that I would find a way to bypass the program, which I didn't, but the trust was already gone.
Then abt 6mnths ago, I did the unthinkable.Something I said I would never do to her. I went outside our marriage for sex, with a prostitute, while my wife was overseas.
I've regretted it ever since and made major changes in my life and lifestyle since that day.
She found outabout it +- 2mnths ago & kicked me out of our home. She says she cannot be married to me anymore & she wants a D.
I have been seeing a therapist for help with Sexual Compulsiveness, and been reading & empowering myself with knowledge about my problem and on how to be a better man, husband and father. But she still says that she doesn't think she'll be able to get over this and that I'll do this kind of thing again.
I'm certain that if I'm given just 1 more opportunity, it will be totally differenty this time.
I love her & our family so much and miss them like crazy.
What can /should I do to make her see that this is a genuine attempt to do right & not just another bag of lies.
Any feedback would be welcome, especially if it'sfrom women that have been through a similar type of sitch.
Tx

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Just curious, how did she find out about you and the prostitute?

How are you so "certain" ?

Here is my advice:

You ~are~ being given an opportunity ~every time~ your wife communicates with you ... and how you make her certain ... is NOT by asking for another chance ... but by BEHAVING like a MATURE MAN who has HER best interest at heart ... right now, I myself do not believe your changes are enough ... you seem to be very focused on your needs... and not so much on hers...

here is what I advise you say to your wife every time ~~~> is there anything I can do for you today? ... then do whatever "it" is...

keep up the counseling
and live as the man you want to become

Pep

Thank you!
Cellfone records. You might be wondering why I used my cellphone? To be honest, my justification for what I did at the time was that if she cared more abt going overseas when we needed her, then why should I care?
I now see that I didn't handle the sitch (her wanting to go overseas) properly. Instead of working together and using the principles of "The Policy of Joint Agreement", I used the 3 Love Busters, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgement & Angry Outbursts.

How are you so "certain" ?

I guess nobody can be certain of anything, but I am now more aware of the things that I was doing wrong throughout our marriage and the emotional needs that I was not properly satisfying.
Of course, the porn & prostitute incidents are different stories and that is where the counseling and GOD comes in.
It might sound far fetched to you (& my missus) right now, but I am confident that I am winning this battle within right now


Here is my advice:

You ~are~ being given an opportunity ~every time~ your wife communicates with you ... and how you make her certain ... is NOT by asking for another chance ... but by BEHAVING like a MATURE MAN who has HER best interest at heart ... right now, I myself do not believe your changes are enough ... you seem to be very focused on your needs... and not so much on hers...

I was making that mistake from the beginning. After reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and the advice on this website, I realised, like you said, that I was focussing on my needs more than hers. Now my focus is on her needs and even though I'm in pain abt not being with her, I will endure it so that she can have the time and space she needs and wants.

here is what I advise you say to your wife every time ~~~> is there anything I can do for you today? ... then do whatever "it" is...

In fact, I did just that today. She had an appointment that she needed to go to and I took her to it. Therafter, she needed to go to a few other places but was worried abt me missing work, to which I replied that her needs were more important than my work. After everything, I dropped her off at home, & whn she thanked me, I told her that "It was my pleasure and that if theres Anything, Anywhere, Anytime I'll be there for her". She really appreciated that.
She then said that we'd speak later, to which I replied "Only if you want to". That went down well with her too.

keep up the counseling
and live as the man you want to become

Tx, I intend to!

Drag your feet on the D, just try and meet her ENs without LBing, and slowly show her through time that you've really changed. This will likely be a 6 month to 2 year process, but as long as you can successfully postpone D, you will likely be able to win her back. You are going to have to keep your Taker in check for a long time, and only show her your giver. See and IC, and NO MORE PORN!

Tx jmwc! The porn is no longer an issue and hasn't been for quite some time now. I've already postponed D for 3 mnths now, & don't intend givin in.
It's so painful being away frm her and the kids, but I know that she needs the space, & that's why I'm staying away. I do see her daily to drop off the groceries and see the kids and if she needs anything else.
I know that she's been in contact with an old BF of hers, & altho it's mostly sms's and phonecalls, they have seen each other a couple of times. I have told her that I don't approve but that I'm also in no position to complain as I was not the best of H's in the past. (Did I handle that correct?)
Man, I so wish I'd read 'HNHN' when I got married or even a few years ago. In fact, thats what I'm gonna be giving any of my friends as a present when they get married.
BTW, what does IC mean??