Long story short - wife moved out in Aug/ started an EA that became PA in Oct. I begged her not to but she did anyway. she hid it because she did not want to lose me. Because we were sep. and I kicked her out, she says she did not have an A. Presently, she wants to move back in is ending R.
We have been together for 10 years/married for 3.5. Our marriage has had its share of outside problems along with our own (we were separated a few times).

While courting our sexual desire for one another was very high. We had sex daily. After marriage because of problems it waned for both of us about once a month -tops.

My wife says she loves me - that I am her soul mate - that she wants to be with me for life - ( we are in our 30's) - but that she does not feel sexual for me anymore - and has not for about 5 months. We used to have giant attraction to each other -

She is will to give up OM completely to come back - is totally willing to do so - wants to have her sex drive back for me -and I am very scared that it will not return - not to mention I am deeply hurt that she does not find me desireable any longer. obviously she had sexual desire for OM - although they did not have great sex either. but were really good friends - something I really dropped the ball on in our marriage.

Can it come back? What can we do to bring it back? How long can it take? is it just a total lost cause?

Please help if you have dealt with this!!!

Thank you -
M

Yes, it can, and will "come back."

In reality, it never really left.

"Desire" does not happen in a vaccuum, so you need to understand the differences between men and women, and what it is that "triggers" a desire for sex in a woman (at least for most women).

First, "desire" chemically is a function of testosterone level. That's a major reason why it is so easy for men get "turned on," why men may lose some "interest" later in life as their natural testosterone levels begin to fall.

With women, they have a much lower level of testosterone, and women who have been treated with testosterone have shown a marked increase in their "desire level." But treatment is not needed for most women. What is needed is for a man to understand what it is about a man that "puts women in the mood."

Women are "slow starters" most of the time. The sex act is a natural outcome of all that came before, not the "end all" that it is for most men. It is the culmination of the "acts," the things that a man does, all day long that says "I love you" that women respond to.

You would do wonders in your wife's response by asking yourself the question "what does my wife want me to do and/or say that says 'I love you' all day long, all week long, etc.?"

Think, if you will, of women as "slow cookers" (i.e., a crockpot) and men as "microwaves" (fast heaters requiring little time.)

Think back to when you first were dating, courting, etc.. What were the things you used to do for your wife that she responded to and interpreted as "you love her?"

How long can it take? That's a harder question to answer because it will depend on how committed both of you are to Recovery of your marriage and for "putting the past behind you."

God bless.

As she withdraws from the OM and draws back TO YOU, her sexual desire should come back. Did she leave you for the OM?

I'm a FWW, I lost my desire for my BH while in my A.

I did NOT want to be in a loveless marriage. What I read here at MB, gave me hope that I could get my loving feelings back for him.

Once I established NC, got through w/drawals, got my head straightened out, my feelings for my DH came back.

~ Marsh

bmmg wrote:

Can it come back? What can we do to bring it back? How long can it take? is it just a total lost cause?



M2L:

Yes it can come back!! My wife told me that she has no feelings for me, no love and the though of sex with me makes her sick. That was then and now we are back to normal in that area.

Time wise - the more time in NC the better. It took my wife about 4 months of NC to come around. That is my story and yours may differ some.

IMPORTANT - Don't push for sex or feelings, it will only prolong the time. Let it happen at it's own pace.

When we first got together we just had an enormous chemistry - infatuation. As our relationship dwindled so did the sex - then we lived apart for a few years before marriage and had sex every two months when we saw each other - then we got married and the problems started - and the sex stopped. She was devoted to me for 10 years, and I was a real jerk for most of it.

she says that when she moved out in Aug. that something snapped in a moment. That she just stopped feeling "Goo Goo" for me. She loves me/and does not want to lose our 10 years together - she just does not know how to get her sexual feelings back for me - she knows she obviously had them for OM

The confusing part is this - that she found this om very attractive - he is a very tall well built guy that also adds to my insecurities. And I have wondered if she is just physically attracted to another kind of man now - ????

She did not leave me for him - I asked her to leave because things were rough for us - but then I sensed there was someone else as she was moving and it was the beg. of the EA. I begged her all summer to stop seeing him - she kept saying they were just friends - then I found out they were falling in love or he was - Finally I said I was moving on - and after a month she realized she wanted her life to be with me - it seems sort of like a marriage of convienence for her. I know she loves me/but she says sex is not our marriage - she will have sex with me - but just does not feel sexual with me. Could that be because she still has feelings for him, and they have not evaporated fully?

I can't say she left me for him - I pushed her out - and she said that she was not just going to hop back in because I said so. Her point was that if I wanted her I should never have asked her to leave -

I don't think she has changed her taste in men, she was just getting some EN met by OM

The reason is not because of feelings for OM - it is the lack of feelings for you. With time and NC along with you bettering yourself in Plan A, her feelings will return. This is not about the OM, it IS about her feelings and you. Dr H talks about sex not being a problem by it's self, it is a byproduct of other issues. IE: not meeting your wifes EM and like you said just being a jerk for so long.

Change your ways, keep an eye out for contact and give it time. Things do get better.

"Can sexual desire be recovered?"

It had better and I'm counting on it because I'm in the middle of a 5 month dry spell, AND I'M ONLY 26. It is all that I can think about these days, and I'm glad the saying isn't true because I would have been blind 4.5 months ago.

it seems weird that I am the one who was betrayed but that she is the one without the desire for me. It is brutal to realize that my wife is not feeling sexual for me - I keep getting the feeling of disbelief.

But she is willing to have sex with me until it comes back - do you think that is a bad idea, to go through the motions?

Well, it does make sense. You weren't the one having someone else meeting your ENs, so you didn't fall for someone else. She still has feelings for this OM, and not much feeling for you YET.

It isn't a bad idea as long as you do not LB about her not wanting you (i.e. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth). Also make sure you are trying to satisfy HER first. I would recommend going to your local bookstore and finding a good book that might teach an old dog new tricks that might get her excited and add some spice. That could help her to recover some desire for you. But the big thing is continuing to meet her ENs and avoid LBs.

YES YES YES - Been said here many times

"fake it till you make it"

Yes - have sex and let it work to help bring you two together. Don't feel bad if you don't hear I love you during it though.

Like Jim said, change it up a bit. Don't go crazy and make her feel sluty though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

good advice - but one thing I have not figured out is the fine line between being smothering/ a wimp - and too distant -

Should I just enjoy the relationship/give her space, let her get through the next few months - and ease into it?

Hey, I didn't say slip her the "shocker." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

good one Jim

l.ll < that would be the shocker

#1
You do want to be a little distant. Kinda like you could take it or leave it. You have things to do and people to see and life is fun with you. Don't beg, whine, plead, hang on or smother.

#2
Yes give her room, but make SURE OF NC (no contact) with OM. Let her crash on her own, but be there for her anytime she needs you.

Something I told my wife when she was down. "Mrs M2L, I think this whole thing is harder on you than on me." How the he!! could that be???? Well I said "I lost just you, my wife. You lost your love for your H and the relationship of the OM. I lost one, you lost two." She was floored by this. How could I the BH feel worse for her than I did for me? You have to take into account her feelings and thoughts. They are messed up right now so this is where you have to be the "lighthouse" to show her the way home.

You are lucky in a way. Your wife will have sex with you at this stage. Jim and I never got that, but I do now.

We have not moved back in together - we will be in a few weeks... and I think I have made the mistake of nothing but talking about this - it has made me feel so insecure at times I have thought about giving up -

but what brought her back was me just acting like I did not care anymore - drove her nuts....

So about the sex deal are you saying don't be to into it either? once in a while and build the rest of the relationship?

My H and I had similar problems after I busted him. He became semi-impotent. He went overseas for 5 months and we're having more success. Our MC said the impotence was due to the tolls of GUILT. Now that's a reason NOT to have an affair.

If your wife is willing to have sex then have it - just YOU don't push it. It's a good sign that she is willing to meet your EN's in this area even while she doesn't "feel" anything.

Fake it till you make it works. Trust me.

bmmg -

Her desire will come back in time, but it sounds like it wasn't all that high even before. One way women are different than men is the stuff that ForeverHers described.

Women can have a perfectly high sex drive, and not think about sex all day. I have come to realize that men SAY they think about sex all day long, and found it kind of strange. I can't imagine..........

Most women need their emotional needs to be met, and then the feelings will follow.

Another thing is to try to spend time with her that does not lead to sex. You could cuddle and chat in bed, give her a massage or rub her feet.

Most women don't like being treated like a piece of meat that you grab all day long. See if you can be tender with her, and stop that drooling!!!!! (JK)