I'm sorry...Jim, I had to reply to this. You crack me up!

On a serious note, I hope the sexual desire does come back for both me and my H. Right now, I don't really want to be with him because the thought of it kind of makes me sick. I just keep thinking about the OW being with him. I'm not sure how to get past that. I guess I'll ask for help when I get to that point.

Also, I don't think he's interested in having sex with me. He seems very distant. He also said he wanted to take this recovery thing slow. So, who knows.....

You also need to bothe be tested for STD's IP before any SF. Remember that.

You ask if you should have sex only once in a while and concentrate on relationship building. I don't know what the answer is to that question. But the fact that she is willing to have sex with you is key in my mind. You had a hot relationship early on. I think you should think about maybe 2 late's thoughts on this. You are in a good place with your w, hopefully, she is a FWW.

Can you think about things that you could do during the day that would set aside the A and just help her connect to you?

I found as my FWH and I re-connected that our talk about building intimacy and what turned us on was helpful. It is surprising how just making a few changes helps the sexual desire. Make sure you meet her needs. I am not so certain that you should do this "just once in a while". If she is willing, you might want to go for the O regularly, if you know what I mean. Desire can be built and I think the body gets used to a certain amount of satisfaction. Again, if she is willing and you enjoy it, what is wrong with more?

It is a roller coaster ride, so you might just as well make the most of the high points to help you through the low points.

Bottom Line?--Yes, sexual desire can be recovered.
Lake

lake - thanks... it is hard to deal with the fact that I know she had sex with another man. I am sure that many have expressed the same on this site.

The situation changes emotionally for me daily - again common I'm sure.

She is now getting depressed as she is moving back in. She is end the other R. they have not had sex in about 30 days - she gave me that commitment when we decided to get back together -

says that my male ego has it all wrong - that it was most def. not the hottest sex of her life (but yes she enjoyed it sometimes) - but it was the friendship - and I was never her friend -

but just knowing she is depressed about leaving this guy - makes me want to scream. I want to say, if you want him, go have him - but I resist.

Then when you add the I'm not feeling sexual toward you, and have not since right before I moved out - that is tough too - really tough - nightmares, the whole deal.

Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy to take her back - maybe I am just trying to avoid the pain of losing 10 years of familiarity. ????

I suggested a sex therapist, if it does not change after she moves in - she is not into that at all -

But last night I realized she is really struggling with letting him go - because as she says - he has not done anything to me - he has been very good to me - you kicked me out - and he was there for me - she won't admit to being in love with him, but I think she is - or something like it... so I feel second best - bigtime -

And all of her actions are about her - none of them serve to make me feel any better about US. She does not tell me "I love you, and thanks for handling a very tough situation" - and again about the sexual part of it - when I have asked her about it, she says that's all male ego B*. For a women it is not about that -

But she has made open comparisons with our personalities - and also mentions his name in conversations - which seems totally disrespectful to me -

Sometimes I just want to scrap this -- tell her to stay with him - and move on - but I love her - and I know I screwed up by treating her like crap - being selfish, and asking her to move out - she begged me not to - but I was just emotionless about it - maybe that is a good reason why her sexual feelings died off - then she met the friend -

thank you all for some really great thoughts and advice!!!

"she says that's all male ego B*. For a women it is not about that -"

I agree with her there. And you are in a GREAT position. She hasn't felt sexual about you since right before she moved out!!!!! Usually they say they haven't felt sexual about the BS for 10 years.

What she is going through now is withdrawal, and it won't last long. Be there for her. You sound like a good man. Later she will be disgusted by her behavior.

WS: blah, blah, blah...withdrawal...blah, blah, blah...fogspeak...blah, blah, blah...WS...blah, blah, blah

bmmg: I understand how your feel......It's okay......I'm here for you now......I hear you

Don't listen to the actual words of her withdrawal induced WS fogspeak. It will pass in time. Just be there for her and meet her need for conversation. I know it doesn't seem fair, but you are going to have to really suck it up for a few months if you want to work things out with your WW. Remember, meet her ENs and avoid LBs, and she will fall in love with you again and recover her sexual desire for you.

Bmmg wrote:
But last night I realized she is really struggling with letting him go - because as she says - he has not done anything to me - he has been very good to me - you kicked me out - and he was there for me - she won't admit to being in love with him, but I think she is - or something like it... so I feel second best - bigtime -

And all of her actions are about her - none of them serve to make me feel any better about US. She does not tell me "I love you, and thanks for handling a very tough situation" - and again about the sexual part of it - when I have asked her about it, she says that's all male ego B*. For a women it is not about that -

But she has made open comparisons with our personalities - and also mentions his name in conversations - which seems totally disrespectful to me -

M2L:

I've heard it all man. Things like

OM is taller than you M2L
OM has a nice butt
OM and I just get along so well, something we never did
I have not felt in love with you for years.
On and on and on

IT IS ALL CRAP AND NOT YOUR TRUE WIFE!!!!! yes I'm yelling, but to you not at you

Your wife is in no way even close to telling you thanks for what you have done for us or I love you Bmmg - not yet, but she will one day. She is grieving the loss of her relationship with the OM, but it was a fake relationship and she will see that one day.

keep up the good work like keeping your mouth shut when she talks about OM or how hurt she is

TRUST me here. The things I told you my wife said, well now she HATES those things she told me and never wants me to bring them up. She gets mad when I do so I don't too much.

The problem is clearly not her lack of sexual desire in general but lack of desire when it comes to you.For desire to disappear completely for 5 months with one partner yet not another is clearly an indication that her attraction to you at this point is one of security & friendship and not one of intimacy between a married couple. There seems to be alot more to this than you are letting on. From my experience, I was in the same sort of situation where I went back to my husband for security reasons.The attraction never came back and everytime we had sex, all I could think of was my ex-lover. I never did go back to my ex-lover but we did split up just the same.I too thought he was my soul mate. She sounds like she's using you as I did my ex-husband. I needed the security and took him for over 50% of his assets in the end. I'm not proud of that but that was the reality in the end. Do yourself a favour, cut your losses while you're ahead...keep on travelling down your path & don't look back. If she wanted her marriage to work, she would have left her lover before any discussions of coming back to you...at least I gave my husband that much.
Taking her back would be fatal.

Hope you make the right decision.

Expert on this,
Bosslady

I have to disagree with you BL. I'm sorry your M did not work out, but for Bmmg's sake he needs to keep doing what he is doing right now.

His wife needs him to be there for her not looking to get D.

Why don't you give yourself a nice pat on the back as you look yourself in the mirror? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You can disagree if you wish but I should know I did this to my ex husband and I know the pain I ended up causing him in the end when I left anyway. The signs here are clear now or later the results will be the same especially when he is doing all the wanting and work. She does not want to make this work she wants convenience, I know I was in her spot. I advise BMMG to keep going because in reality both my ex husband and I should have kept going separately. This advise we are all giving him is in reality our opinions but I have been the doer not the receiver so I know what is going through her mind. He should consult a friend or family member close to the situation and take thier advice as they see this for what it really is. She is not considering what his feelings are and she apparently wants to move back in so what happens when she is moved in? We tend to be on our best behavior when we want something and right now she is only thinking of herself, this will escalate in time. I know I did it.

look Jim at least I am being honest and not telling this poor guy to let it go and it will all come back. She is telling him loud and clear what the facts are and what remains to happen. I do not know his situation completely and neither do you that is why I told him to consult family and friends who can see this for what it really is. I wish my ex husband and I had done that as it would have saved him the hurt I inflicted on him. Sorry you do not agree with me but I lived it.

Boss Lady

I don't say this much, but please ignore BL. I say this b/c my wife was in your shoes and now she HATES the person she was and thanks me most everyday for sticking it out with her. So it does work the other way too.

Read up on others

Bob pure
MYIL
Mimi
just to name a very few

BossLady - everything BMMG is saying is just absolutely typical. My wife could have said what his wife is saying word for word. But after withdrawal which does take time it changes. Now, 18 months into recovery she is STILL very hard on herself and her poor choices to have the affair. Your experience is not typical BossLady - it is a very rare exception.

I also notice you specifically registered to make a post on this thread. Tell me WHY are you on MB? You may feel more comfortable on TOW site gloryb.com where they approve of and encourage affairs. Are you trolling here BossLady?

My wife is so greatful I didn't give up on our marriage as well.

I agree that this could work but I am in this position with the exact same situation and BL does make a good point when she speaks of the problems she went through and the end result was the same. My wife has a difficult time having sexual relations with me. I have done all "the right" things and it is not working. It has been 12 months since she "agreed" to leave her lover but she is not over him. I rushed into this in fear of losing her and now I realize that I should have given her time to get completely out of the OR. I am trying but it has been a year and nothing has changed. I realize she does not want me she wanted possessions. Had I given her the time to get completely out of it we would be able to make it through but now we are not any further ahead. She does not want me anymore I can feel it. bmmg can see it in her when he speaks to her and that tells me that he should not repeat my mistake. It is uplifting to see some of you guys been able to work it out but it does not work for all of us. He is telling us that he wants this and she can't let go the OR freely. It could get worse as time goes on. BL has done a bad deed but has been open to share. Feel sorry for her but give her accolades for being honest.

BL I just got on this site after speaking to my friend about helping me with my mess that I am in. My friend tells me this site may or may not help me but at least I would get real life experiences. Thanks for giving me your experience. If you are divorced from this bloke why are you on this site are you in trouble again?

and now another newbie specially registered to post on this thread.... hmm

FWIW, Dr Harley says that if you meet each others EN's you will become irresistable to each other.

I did not specially register to post on this site my friend posts on here and I would not believe so he told me to look and see how others have the same problems. You are very suspicous and rude towards new comers. I will post where I please and if you are not willing to help me then don't answer it. I need help with my marriage. I am going out of my mind trying to make it work and am looking for similar postings. Could not believe it when my friend told me there was someone else that had my problem. I love my wife and want to fix this and cannot. I can see you will not be of any help to me. I am hurting and don't need judging. Can anyone else on here help me figure this out? My pastor says I should not visit these sites and that is what has kept me away. For anyone else willing to help me and not judge can you help as I have met her en's and it is not working. I don't want to divorce. I have posted on other topics but sexual desire or lack of it is a large part of our problems.

You have some very wise Members here who are advising you. They have read of and know of many situations and have experienced and survived their own situations.

You say:

"My wife says she loves me - that I am her soul mate - that she wants to be with me for life - ( we are in our 30's) - but that she does not feel sexual for me anymore - and has not for about 5 months. We used to have giant attraction to each other -

She is will to give up OM completely to come back - is totally willing to do so - wants to have her sex drive back for me -and I am very scared that it will not return - not to mention I am deeply hurt that she does not find me desireable any longer. obviously she had sexual desire for OM - although they did not have great sex either. but were really good friends - something I really dropped the ball on in our marriage.

Can it come back? What can we do to bring it back? How long can it take? is it just a total lost cause?"

This information is so Key. She says she loves you and you are her soul mate.

But, keep in mind, she is still in "affair fog". That fog needs to clear before she will say anything that is truly grounded in her reality. She is telling you she wants to come out of that affair fog and be with you.

Follow the advice of the experienced on this site. No one can guarantee you success, but your situation does appear very hopeful.

My FWH had a brief EA with old HS girlfriend. He was in a fog about it. He still loved me all through his EA, yet he became attached and protective of her. That was fog. Your wife is in a fog. You have to stick with her until she comes out of that fog. Like many others have told you, my FWH does not even want to hear me talk about the things he said to me while he was still in the fog.

Your wife is willing to work with you. I know how bad you feel. I know how bad you feel. Use us and talk to us when you feel down.

Again, feelings of arousal and SF can return. See if she will fill out the emotional needs questionnaire. My FWH and I found that just filling this out and talking about it helped our feelings of intimacy. It also helped us get acustomed to talking to each other about things that we had not discussed-= those things that you think but never say to your spouse.

Talking about those things helped intimacy to revive in our marriage.

I know how you feel, but I have hope for your marriage.

Remember, when she says things that hurt you now, it is only fog talk. It is truly special that she trusts you and is saying these things to you and that you are there to hear them, even though they hurt you. I think this will begin to build that intimacy that you need in your marriage. These are tough times but it is a significant and sacred passage that the two of you are traveling. May your days be blessed and may peace enter your soul and provide you with the comfort that you need.
Regards,
Lake