Chasey - Start your own thread if you care to, and welcome. If you keep posting here, it will get all mixed up.

Don't mind the suspicious folks here. It's part of the territory of being betrayed, but most will welcome you.

Hello and thank you. I was not sure how to use this site properly but have now posted my story in short form and hope someone will help me. I appreciate your words of encouragment, I only posted on here as I searched for a topic similar to mine and this is what I found and kept looking for the whole story. This chaps story is not exactly like mine but very similar. It is now 12 mths later and it has not gotten any better. Our only solution is now divorce but I thought I would try this site first. Our friends and family told us we wouldn't be able to work it out and we cannot. She cannot leave her emotions for the other man aside. I would advise the other chap to not rush into the marriage move back in theme. I believe if I had not pushed her we would have had a chance. I am very discouraged now. Our family give us advice and we tend not to take it but in the end they are usually right. They see the other person for what they are and what has blinded us. I hope you or someone can help me take one more step to trying to get her to want me.

Thank you

I was the 'doer' too.

I lost my feelings and desire for my BH, but I recovered all of my passionate feelings, PLUS new tender ones I never knew before.

~ Marsh

I'm happy you recovered your feelings but I think they were there all along but you probably didn't realize it. His wife is telling him she doesn't have them. That's a big statement.

BossLady

Thanks for the comments - positive or negative. What I know is that for 10 years I was the love of her life. She could be with this guy, and was for months. She chose not to stay with him- he was there for her when she needed him. The sex was so-so - not the hot passionate love affair of her life, rather a deep friendship. I can be that friend that I was not - because I took her for granted.

I am hopeful the sexual attraction will come back for me - actually the way I look at it is that she WAS very attracted to me for years. Then SNAP she was not- all of her feelings changed. That is because I hurt her deeply. The fact that she still feels sexual for someone else is good because it means that her block with me is emotional. Or that's my thoughts... as we get through this I think they will come back --

BUT BUT BUT -- I was thinking this morning that a sexual attraction killer is insecurity/fear/neediness. I have never ever been any of those things. As soon as I became those things - and groveled it added to killing it.

So the questions is how can you be there but not? Strong, but sensitive? Aloof, but present? In other words, women like men that are not too attainable - we all know this - it is life - so a groveler gets nothing.

I think I am going to resolve to put this out of my mind for 90 days - give myself a break from the pain, and get back to being me. Not insecure, not jealous. My way of looking at it before was simple. You don't want to be with me? okay - there's the door - I would never have stopped anyone from being with someone else.

But I was a total jerk, unemotional - and very thoughtless. However, it is a great way to attract certain women - and you don't even realize it. But I have totally changed how I view my wife, my life. I love her - for real. I care about her for real. She might not be able to handle it.

Her mother told me on the phone last night that after her daughter told her she was moving back in - she followed up a week later with the I don't knows.. because he is just pressuring me - and I said well yes - I have pressured her to get rid of her boyfriend. Dump him. She does not like it when I say that - so I have stopped...

So THEN THE QUESTION IS -- how do I love and want deeply my wife - make myself vulnerable - but not be jealous - insecure - or pressuring. I have pressured because I want the wolf out of my life. I am protective of my marriage -

Again, jim, and m2l, bigk you guys have been great - much better than any books I've read.

So does she have no contact with her boyfriend, or not?

Actually my ex-husband comes to this site and curiousity got the better of me because it definitely did not help us.

Bosslady

Yes, but not romantically - or so she says - they work together - it is kind of an odd situation. I work for a competitor - so no one can know we are getting back together - she is going to have to quit her job - she has been backing off of him - feels really bad because he was there for her - he is in love with her - she is not - but still has very strong feelings for him.

I know most people would say they are still having sex - but in our case we agreed to work thru this and get back together about 30 days ago - so she took some space from him - they have done a few dinners, movies, but not sex -

she really is a one man woman. so when she put her mind back to us - that was it for them.

Maybe I am being stupid - but I do believe her - and I have asked her a few times if she has had sex - she has said no. that was our agreement. she knows that she cannot have contact with him after she moves back in... she feels really guilty about dumping him... of course I could care less about him.

Bosslady - How could this site help you? You have admitted an affair, and then faking reconciliation to take all you could get from your husband. Even here, we believe that some people are better off getting divorced.

bmmg it is a good idea to take the break from the situation, think things through carefully because you may be trying to get back to her for the wrong reasons. You admit insecure and fear, my ex had all those same problems and he would not take a break from it and we eventually went our separate ways. If you are taking this break are you taking it from her and the situation or is she moving in and you are going to try to ignore it happened? I know from experience that my feelings did not come back and had he left me on my own to figure it out it may have worked to our benefit. Decisions like this cannot be made under pressure.

All the situations I have read on this thread sound like an emotional attachment instead of real love. It does not work.

BL - I do appreciate your feedback - it sounds like you don't have a lot of respect for your ex husband??? or that you just were not in love with him... how long did you not feel sexual for him?

I am no different than bmmg wife she is and has been doing the same thing to him. He is caught up in his own fog of disbelief. I was the doer I know what feelings go through you and she is not being honest with him. If she wanted him back soley then she would have done so without the boyfriend. Pressuring her into this is not going to help them. My advice is that he stop and look at this for the reality it really is. His family must see the situation and would be best to offer him advice. She lies and now says he beleives her. She is not a one man woman, she had an affair and cannot break it off without her husbands pressure, that is not a one man woman. I was there I know what I went through, it does not work.

bmmg well someone who respects my story. My husband mistreated me for years and I never stopped loving him. I still today love him but I am not in love with him. My sexual attraction never came back, we stayed together for 6 mths and when I finally decided to leave he started to go nuts and wanted me to stay and pressured me. I left anyway. Your wife sounds like she has the same problems with you that I had with my ex. I think you should not listen to any of us but your wanting to take 90 days hopefully on your own is the best thing you can do at this point. She obvioulsy does not want to leave her boyfriend so why are you pressuring her to do so? You sound like a decent guy, there are many women in the world, you will find happiness again I know I have. BTW I ended up back with my boyfriend that he pressured me to leave.

BL,

Some people actually repent from their sin and live a happy life with their BS. Some people don't try and regain the feelings for their spouse, take the easy way out, and walk away. You don't understand what Marsh was saying. Every WW tells their BH that they have no feelings for them in the midst of the fog. They tell that to themselves and others to try and justify or rationalize the horrible acts that they are committing. Let me ask you this, did you ever have any feelings for your BH? If so, where did they go? Did they just up and vanish? It seems like you have never come to terms with what you did and are shielding yourself from the guilt by saying that there were no feelings whatsoever. Oh well, some people never learn their lesson. By the way, are you REALLY happy now?

you say you have never stopped anyone from being with someone else so why are you stopping her? She has told you what she feels (BTW she sounds immature). You say you love her for real is that because she chose someone over you? I think you are very needy and obsessed with something that may not be what you think it is. you sound like my ex husband and that does not work. My attraction never came back and instead all I thought of during sex was my boyfriend, this went on from the day I moved in to the day I left again. Take your time, you will find love again.

None of you know my total story but I will say that bmmg has one very similar that is why I had to respond to his. This site is very judgemental, if we do not agree with you then we are not worthy of advice.

bmmg,
your wife can not even begin recovery until she is no longer working with the OM. All contact must stop.

I hope the best for you. I am very sad that BL has decided to make a spectacle out of your thread. I think her name says a lot about her -there can be no bosses in a relationship.

Please know that WS do not have positive thoughts about their BS. That is the nature of the beast. Sexual desire sufers in any marriage damaged by infidelity, however as is evidenced here many, many recover.

I am sorry that people judge your infidelity as immoral. Who would expect that on a pro-marriage website. If you don't want to be judged maybe you should post your story on a pro-adultery website. If you were truly sorry for what you did, you would have maken amens for your behavior. What did you do, you took your husband for half he was worth. That doesn't sound like someone who was truly sorry for what they did. I don't judge people (only God does), but I sure as he11 judge their actions. I would ask Him for forgiveness.

I did not stop her. Matter of fact, I told her to go be with him - go be happy - I am filing for divorce - no big deal. Then I ignored her so I could get on with my life. Then she said, I have had time to myself to figure out what I want - and you are it, can we talk about working things out? I said we can talk about it.

Remember, my wife did not have an affair while living together - I kicked her out. She was angry and frustrated - I am not minimizing her actions - but she most definitely did not want to leave - she cried, and begged. I should have listened, I would not be in this situation today -

And when I hurt her so bad - her feelings shut down - and she had this new friend waiting in the wings -- and she was very interested in him - then the lying began.

She said she lied because she knew she was going to want me back - but was just feeling nothing but pressure from me - it was driving her nuts. Of course the lying was making me nuts.

She truly did not know what she wanted - but did not want to lose me. Then as mentioned I got tired of it - and walked away.

I've told her, if you want him, have him.

I don't see trying to save a marriage as obsession.

This is a MARRIAGE BUILDERS site - of course if you are not promoting marriage building, we will not support your beliefs.

As of yet, Boss Lady, You have not asked for advice. Are you wanting to rebuild your marriage? If so, please start your own thread and I am certain folks will give you the advice you desire.