How ticked off should I be? My xwh's girlfriend, aka OW, colored my son's hair without any discussion with me. My 14 ds just came home with blonde hair. I had told my son to not let the OW do anything to his hair since she is a hair dresser.

What do you think? I am wondering if she is going to take my dd16 to get her belly button pierced next.

Loni

what is the custody arrangement?

who has primary?

How ticked off should you be? Well, it kind of depends on how much your DS14 was part of the decision. Kids that age are trying to find their own independence and blonde hair is sort of a skater/surfer thing that boys at 14 think is "cool". Has he wanted to bleach his hair for awhile?

I think you have the right to be ticked off but I wouldn't make it an issue with her. XWH is the parent who was responsible for that being allowed when DS14 was with him and her. If you make it about OW, then you deflect the real issue and they can just say you're jealous or something else trivial.

As far as how ticked off you should be towards your DS14-it's just hair and it'll grow out. You can tell him you are disappointed that you weren't consulted in this decision. If you had already said no, you can let him know you are disappointed that you can't trust him to respect your wishes.

As far as the belly button piercing thing-that might be a bigger issue. In my state no child can have permission for a piercing with the exception of ears-even from a parent, until they are 18. It's considered body modification and can't be done to a child even with permission (same with tattoos). I know this doesn't stop them from getting it (I teach high school), but it could be a legal issue. It is written in our temporary parenting plan that piercing and tattoo decisions have to be made jointly. I found that amusing because neither one of us brought it up. The lawyer added it, knowing that these things cause problems. You should check that out.

Be ticked off at your xwh and his decision to let this happen and bring up the piercing issue to him. Go through your attorney if you can't talk to him personally.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

I have sole physical custody and shared legal. I brought it up with my xh who then threatened to "tangle" with me if I got onto my son for the hair. I called him back and reminded him that I have never been afraid of him and I am not about to start. I then reminded him about his time with the kids that he chose not to take. Example: his 4 weeks of summer and half of christmas break. I told him that I don't want to hear anything more about shared physical custody when he doesn't take the time he is supposed to. He keeps trying to get the kids to make me change my mind on joint physical.

what do you all think?
Loni

Hi Loni, good to hear from you again...it's been a while.

It sounds to me like he is still acting like a jerk and is trying to power struggle with these types of actions.

This is probably the age where the kids start using each parent against each other and is a perfect example of why the kids alwasy LOOSE in a D.

pick your battle

I don't think this is the "hill to die on"

in 5 years this will be a minor footnote

Agree with HTW.

I think OW did it intentionally and I think DS14 certainly found a weak link in the parent dept and manipulated it.

So...what does your custody situation entail?

Would it be possible for you to draw a line in the sand and remove going to dads as an option until and unless he can respect that your rules and decisions still apply while he is there?

Loni, have you started dating again?

How are you doing otherwise?

Hi, I have let it drop for now. However, I told the kids that they are to consult me about any decisions like this in the future or they will have consequenses when they return home. Hopefully, my DD16 won't get any ideas about piercings or tattoos for awhile. LOL.

I am dating a very nice guy who loves to give me flowers and spoil me rotten. I'm not "in love" so I'm just taking it easy and enjoying his company. My kids are ok with it except my DD16 who has decided that she doesn't want me to date anyone. She, point-blank, told me that she doesn't like that her parents are divorced and that she isn't ready to deal with it yet. E.G, she cried all Christmas day because her dad let the OW come to his family's get together.

I agree that the kids lose out in every divorce sitch. I am still feeling a great deal of loss in the sitch myself. I don't want to be with my xh again, but I miss how my life was before the affair and it's aftermath. I think that I am still floundering around a bit trying to find my own way. I am going to start going to DivorceCare classes and see how that helps. I am also going to take the kids to a counseler again. Let's hope that helps with the attitudes and manipulation.

Loni