I need some help with a situation please, first a little background, the last couple years of our marriage have been rocky, started with death of his mother, then 1 yr ago he got a rare med. cond. that has drained us emotionally, physically and financially, then in May of 05 I found out he had an ONS 15 yrs ago 10 mo into our marriage. We have been doing better in the recovery process, slowly but improving.
My problem that I don't know what to do about is my FWH rides dirtbikes and has for a long time, we do it as a family while we camp ect. Due to his Med. cond. and the surgery he has on his back 1 yr ago he has a lot of weakness in his arms and legs he will never be able to do a lot of things he used to, it is hard for him to walk up and down steps, kneel and other things. He didn't ride all last year in 05 except for 2 times towards end of summer. Now all I hear about is how he can't wait to start riding again. His riding style is very steep stuff with rugged terrain. I don't think it's a good idea with the condition he is in, I don't want him to get hurt, it's like an accident waiting to happen, we already have ENOUGH med. bills are buried sky high in them, he complains all the time about his weakness, he tells me if he stays on the bike he'll be fine, yeah right like that always happens. It is really stressing me out. I support him right now because of all this. I don't want him to give up riding but I think he needs to take it slow and change his riding style, he wont do that. So do I just sit back and if he gets hurt tell him see told ya and hope he'll finally see that (like a child), or hope that maybe he'll realize he can't do these things once he starts riding? I know this may sound stupid but I have had enough stress I can't take anymore. Please help

First off no point in powerstruggling this now if he isn't planning on riding again till summer...(assuming you live somewhere where there are seasons that apply...)

Second..

why not change your approach to this situation loving and supportive...

why not look in to what physical therapy excercises he should be doing this winter to increase his strength...

why not look in to changing to a quad runner rather than the bike..

why not plan lots of other activities this summer that has you two together outdoors...

discuss the issue with MD

be loving...

mourn the loss of a loved activity with him...
but romance and cherish him so he sees the value of not getting hurt and being with you and the family..

if you power struggle and asssit in his loss and feelings of sadness over this...it will become a battle of wills between the two you..

you don't want him to do this because you love him and don't want to see him suffer and in any more pain.

seek a plan together...
seek compromise..he can ride by no steep trails..
do you ride...
how about he teaches you to ride...
etc\

ARK

Thanks ark, we aren't really arguing about it, I have just been talking to him about how this can affect us if he gets hurt. I have been completely loving & supportive of him, have told him all year he'll get better & be able to ride again ect. I have been supportive during his complaints of his weakness ect. I have supported him totally financially with not complaints (other than I get very tired due to taking on extra work to support family). Unfortunetly the weakness he has is due to nerve damage and will not get any better, if anything he could relapse at anytime and get worse (which in turn costs alot of money). He HATES quads, our whole family rides, we camp all the time together to ride bikes, he will ride his style with his friends then they will go on light family rides with us. So it is a family event. He is just bound and determined to do his normal style. He says he'll lighten up a little, but I think once he starts he'll just keep adding more. I just am afraid, part of me wants to tell him then stop all the complaining about how you can't do anything and if he gets hurt NOT be supportive in hopes he'll learn his lesson. I dont want him to give it up totally, I know this is something he loves to do but again financially and emotionally I'm drained. Thanks anymore advise would be great

A couple of things for you to consider - financial problems can be compounded by loss of the joy in life... Let me explain a bit of my background.

My husband's motorcycle was a 250cc Kawasaki Enduro. He nicknamed it "Spirit" - when he was troubled as a teenager and young adult, he would get to the mountains. Those straight up mountain trails were his favorite. He always wanted to date and marry someone who loved the mountains as much as he did.

Well, he did - but I lacked the upper body strength and sense of balance to drive the bike myself. And I lacked the sense of out on the edge wrecklessness he did so even if I could drive a bike myself, I wouldn't be following on the steep trails that he would love to go on. Give me a more gradual ATV trail. So getting a 2nd bike was out of the question. And we were both getting "fat" - so a 250cc enduro isn't powerful enough to pull two heavyweights up the mountain.

But when I was wounded in my soul - miscarriages were especially tough times for me - the first place I'd want to go was to the mountains. The last one was as deep as it gets, because I was almost 45 years old - my body wasn't likely to stand another miscarriage. So two days after we knew we had lost the baby, I asked him to take me up the mountain road that traverses the back ridge of the mountains behind our house. By now, we had a 600cc Yamaha Enduro - Kasey had made a make-shift 2nd person cushion that went over the tailcover of the dirt-bike... This one had almost more muscle than Kasey could handle. The combination of the rutted, pot-hole-filled dirt- and washboard gravel covered road bruised my tailbone to the point that I'm now in physical therapy - and it's been 2.5 years since the miscarriage. But the healing to my heart I wouldn't trade for the pain in the *ss recovery from the cure has been. I can't tell you how the hurt of that last miscarriage wounded me. My favorite "job" has been being a mother to my son. So losing a chance at another child doesn't heal with the passage of time. The mountains are my peaceful place.

We've talked about getting an ATV, but that means new trailer and towing vehicle - a lot more trouble than hopping on a bike and driving 5 miles to get to the trailhead.

My message to you and your husband: use the MB POJA principle. Your husband's upper body is too weak to wrestle a motorcycle and you are motivated by love and caring for him to protect him from further medical injury to his body. But he knows that mountain trails on the back of a motorcycle is healing medicine for his soul and he needs that too. You have 5 or six months before the mountains will be passable. So if I were in your place, I wouldn't be trying to stop him; I'd be encouraging him to get strong - go to the gym - work out with a trainer and recover that upper body strength before he hits the trail. Then you'll enthusiastically support him riding the bike (with a helmet) on any danged trail he wishes - he knows how to ditch a bike if the trail fishtails out from under him - his body reflexes never forget that.

The best positive outcome of this kind of support is that he gains back the spark and energy to do something about the finances too. Don't ask him to give up something healing to him; rather, tell him by what conditions you could enthusiastically support him in participating in that healing activity.

thankyou so much kaylaAndy, I completely understand what you are saying and I support his riding just not the type he is used to, I have told him my concerns and fears of it. Again, no exercise or training will help him gain the strength back in his legs, I'm unsure of his upper strength. But the things he does he needs his legs. Some of these trails are so steep they ride up but walk the bike (very difficult) back down. I just can't take it any more. Recovery, his med cond. & med. bills. It's all very stressful. Do I just support him of doing what he thinks he needs to do whether or not I agree? Thanks again

Get creative - the mind is a very powerful thing in healing the body. Who knows what miracles could happen if he knew you'd have to see certain things to know he's not risking his life and endangering the family finances further...

waitingtomoveon - What are you willing to give up for your husband, simply because you love him? What thing that you have done, love to do, etc., are you willing to "banish" from your life because you place your husband's needs ahead of your own?

Or will you be too selfish to let go?



Same questions to your husband.



I am thinking of my daughter's best friend who is laying in a rehab hospital after 2 months in ICU following her car crash. Paralyzed for the rest of her life. She was ejected from her car. 25, going on????
A motorcycle has how much protection for the rider?
Accidents NEVER happen.

What would she give up to be able to walk again? Her fast car that crashed when she lost control? Her choice to NOT wear a seat belt because SHE didn't want to wear it? Speeding and losing control of the car and being the accident you never wanted to wish on anyone? Being able to dance at her children's wedding (but then she will probably never have children now) or to dance at all? How much of a gift to ONLY be able to walk, even if there are some things she "used to do" that she would have to "give up?"

A moment's choice, a lifetime to pay for it.

Is it worth it? When YOUR actions affect others you love and care for, do you have a responsibility to consider them in whatever choices you make for yourself?

What DOES sacrificial love mean?


God bless.

I think that say's it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTMO,
I have had back surgery and now have a 25 lb. weight limit. Some routine things are not so eaasy such as cleaning the leaves out of the gutter. I am sure your H experiences these troubles as well.

If I were to consider moving forward with this request, I would insist on visiting a surgeon. My opinion is that the "impact" force of the bike riding would far exceed any wieght restrictions he has. In addition, it would accelerate fatigue of the joints and disks. It would be more sobering for a MD to tell him that rather than you.

Good Luck

Time for him to grow up and realize his physical limitations. Problem solved!

Thanks everyone, Well, I can say that since I have known not even married to my husband I have sacraficed ALOT even since then. That is all a completely different story though that I could go into great detail, but I sacraficed these things FOR HIM. I have sacfificed things because of my children. I would never jeoprodize my health because of my family, they ALL need me and I know this.
I have suggested to him calling the surgeon and asking, he hasn't asked because I'm sure he knows of the answer. His surgeon has never given him a weight restriction other that the first I think couple months after the surgery (he had a fusion so I don't know if that makes a difference) I do know that he is not as bendable at that point. He can only bend so far. He told me he doesn't plan on doing these things every ride. Well that doesn't mean he's not going to get hurt. I realize this is difficult for him everyday knowing that he can't do the same normal activities as he used too, I know that is depressing and very discouraging to him, but he also knows how much financial strain it has put us in. Plus I had to take on extra work to pay these bills I am f'n tired.
He is stubborn and will do it no matter what I say I believe at this point, so do I just smile and say go ahead? If he gets hurt just say nothing but see told you and NOT be supportive? I feel resentful now because there are alot of things I want that I can't have because I have to sacrifice it all to work and pay these bills and I'm ok with that. I feel like if he gets hurt I can't be supportive but what kind of example am I showing to my kids? Plus I don't have that kind of personality, but I feel like if that's what he wants to do instead of think about us and what I go through every day then with all the other stress in recovery and all I sometimes feel like it's all not worth working on anymore. Thanks again to everyone. Any more help would be appreciated

wantingtomoveon - About a month ago you posted this above quotation on healingbird's thread in Recovery. I never got a chance to respond to you then, so it seems pertinent to address this now, in the context of your current struggle.

How do you really know when they are expressing remorse? I mean I'm sure everyone expresses this differently so how do you really know if they truly are, if what they are doing is all they are capable of doing.

In your situation, the answer is fairly simple. Fidelity over long period of time. He KNEW his ONS was wrong, ended it, and has spent the last 14 years or so being faithful to you. HOW is that any different than what all BS's want from a spouse who committed adultery, ended the affair, and is committed to trying to rebuild the marriage? You seem to want him to cry and beg your forgiveness, etc. so YOU can feel better. I understand the emotional need, but that, too, after all this time, is based in selfishness. What you WANT, or should want, is a faithful husband who has "let the past go" and has chosen to live the rest of his life with you. Did you get that from him?

You "say" you "just found out 6 months ago," but I would submit that you "knew it since it happened." Why didn't your husband tell you previously? I can't answer that without speculating, but I'd guess that there might be at least 2 reasons. First, he already ended the affair and did not want the guilt of confession and thought he was "protecting you," a very common response from WS's who have ended their affair and want to remain married. Second, YOU might not have been "able" to handle the affair "back then" and the Lord knew that. NOW, perhaps, you are ready to "handle it," but only as you submit to God and don't try to "handle it" all on your own.

Is expressing remorse just doing the needed things to rebuild trust?

No, it's not "just" that, but that IS a big part of the process. RECOVERY, not remorse, is the goal. You seem to be fixated on seeing some sort of emotional response. But other than this ONS and his refusal to confess it until now, has he given you over the past 14 years any reason to believe that he would be unfaithful to you again?

Or is this, in your mind, a case of you thinking, "he got what he wanted, now I want to get what I want (an emotional display)?"

FH I like what you said about Jesus Christ being the third party, what happens when one spouse ( myself) is a believer but the other one isn't? ( well he is just doesn't follow the path of the Lord, backslidden I guess you could say).

wantingtomoveon - I don't know enough about you, why you consider yourself and your husband to be Christians, etc.. So all I can do right now is ask you a few questions that may help get you thinking about some potential answers to your questions.

Do you read the Bible?

Do you go to Church every Sunday?

Have you read and studied what the Bible has to say about "unevenly yoked" marriages and the responsibility of the believing spouse in such a marriage?

If your husband is a believer, what role does Christ play in his daily life?

There are many more questions, but those are enough to get started without, hopefully, being overwhelming.




Yep, that sounds "loving" and "Christian," doesn't it?



Yep, as long as the Taker is in control, you will FEEL these things and you will let EMOTIONS control your actions. That hasn't been you, but it's building because you are probably dwelling on the "why me?" sort of question.

It IS indicative to me that neither you nor your husband have been living a marriage with Christ as it's head. You have both been "doing things my way" and that has not really changed. Understand, please understand, that God WILL let you, will let your husband, do what you want to do. He wants your willing submission to Him, not your slave-like response to Him because you "have to."

So what may be happening in your marriage is God knocking on the "marriage door" and saying, "consider that it might be time for you both to look to me, not yourselves, and to build a marriage that we are partners in. A "three legged stool with only 2 of the 3 legs can manage a balancing act, but it's a long way from being stable and being able to handle the 'weights' of life that might be placed on it."

God bless.

Thanks foreverhers, whether or not it happened yesterday or 15 yrs ago, I don't think the pain is any easier. One of the reasons it is very difficult is becuase I don't know that he has been completely faithful the last 15 yrs, yes he says he has BUT there have been a few occassions that he has crossed the line, how do I know it wasn't more than he says? I agree that what I said (& sorry i can't figure out the quotation thing) if he gets hurt not supportive isn't very christ like, however I cant go on supporting him emotionally and especially financially while he thinks and continues to risk or getting hurt. I think he is being very selfish of mine and our childrens feelings.
I don't want him to cry and beg but I do want him to show me through recovery and showing remorse that he wont do this again. But when he isn't trying to understand or support my feelings and what I'm going through when I have triggers ect it makes it hard to recover. He wants me to get over it... It's hard to be supportive when I'm not being supported. Again I realize that may not be very Christian like but I'm also not a doormat...........

So from your post, are you saying that I should sacrificing my feelings because that's what he wants me to do of what he did for me like with him sacrificing his riding??

If he's likely to not POJA, then require he pay for a life and disability insurance policy to get you through the likelihood of him going ahead in spite of the risks.