I've been married for almost 4 years now. I found out in late September that my husband was cheating on me. Not with just 1 but 3. I also found out he's been chatting online and he had a myspace, yahoo, msn, and god knows how many other accounts. He says it was only 1 but I know for a fact it was more. I've spoken to 3 of them and they told me stories I really did not want to hear. Well we tried marriage counseling but that lasted for only 3-4 weeks. He's been drinking way too much. He goes out after work everynight. He gets out of work at 3:30 and is home by 5:30-6. He tells me he's with the guys but I'm not sure I want to believe him. He gets mad at me when I call and ask him where he is. Tells me he needs HIS time. Last year (2005) with my help he got full legal/physical custody of his 2 girls ages 8 & 14. It was a case of parental alienation and unfit mother. So I became an instant full time mom at age 42. I'm not sure if this is why he's done this to me and our family. I am so confused and tired of fighting and crying myself to sleep evey night. He tells me he loves me. Says he does not want a divorce and he wants to work this out. He'll do anything to make things better for us and our family. I am still in shock over this entire situation. How can he do this to me and our family. Why did he do this? I'm the one who delt with the courts, the guardian, his ex and her attorney. We went pro se (no attorney). And yes we did it. 98% of all the leg work. So I say to myself, if he loves me so much, why did he do this????
Where do I go from here? I'm so close to having an emotional breakdown. Counseling is not really helping. I'm lost, very lost. And I can't stop crying. Hystical crying...

I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. You will get through it - I know it probably does not feel like it, but you will.

Sounds like he married a mommy? He likes that you take care of everything - I would get sexy, get happy, act indifferent, and he will notice - immediately. This will bring him to the table -

Counselling can sometimes make things worse - my opin.

Also sounds like he is beligerent with you because he can be. He tells you he needs guy time - every day???? what about you?

I would be very cool. Cat like. Ignore him. Look good. Then get the communication going.

He probably thinks of you as his security blanket - and does not think you will ever lay down the law. do so.

hope some of this helps.

I know that you are hysterical and feel like you have lost control. Well, you have some control over the situation, and you need to start exerting it. You need to stand up for yourself and your marriage. Let your WH know what your boundaries are and start enforcing them. Let him know you are enacting these boundaries to protect your M. Try and meet his ENs and don't LB, but don't let him walk all over you. It seems to me that he can get away with this behavior because you let him. Firstly, you need to expose your WH's affairs to anyone who would be in a position to put pressure on him. That includes his family, friends, church, and work (if it is with a coworker). Contact OWs' significant others, family, and friends if possible. If he uses myspace, email, or anything to facilitate his affairs, from his work computer, let his employer know that as well. Start enforcing your boundaries. Let him know that he needs to come home after work, and if he doesn't he needs to sleep on the couch. If he continues to use the computer to facilitate his affairs, call the internet provider and have them turn it off. He thinks he can bully you into doing whatever he wants. Let him know that he can't. Don't LB, just defend your marital boundaries. He'll get the picture. Read up on plan A and start meeting his ENs.

I would suggest you post more of your details so people can offer better advice.
Things like:
how long have you two been married?
First marriage for you?

What other things are going on in your R?

How many people know about his A's?

What sort of support group do you have for yourself? Friends? Family? Who can you reach out to right now?

And also, he says he wants to save the M, but what is he willing to do about it? After all, going out drinking after work every day with his buddies is not going to save this M. It will surely destroy it. Is that typical behavior for him? Did he go out drinking a lot beore the A's? Does he have a drinking problem?

We ALL understand the hysterical crying. Been there. But hang in there. things WILL get better. You are not alone in all this.

Ok try to calm down. This is a VERY good place to be in your sitch. You can do something about it and you already have. You posted here. Today starts your road to recovery. It will be hard, but worth it. Please keep asking questions and give us as much info as you can.

(((((hugs))))) to you

First things first, I'm not sure what all the letters mean. ie: R, LB, WH,LB, I gathered that A's means affairs, but all the rest if foreign to me. Can you give me info please? Thanks.

This is my 3rd marriage. The first one we were together for 1 year married for less than 2. He beat on me. Dislocated my shoulder, strangled me. That lasted not even 2 years. I left him the house and everything in it. All I wanted was my name back and my belongings. He got everything else. The 2nd we were together for almost 11 married for 3 of the 11 years. After all that time he figured out he didn't want a wife. All he wanted to do was sleep, work and go fishing. Sleep, work, fish. Never mind that we had a beautiful house and 3 dogs and 2 cats to tae care of. I did everything in the house. The yard work, clean the pool (build-in w/ slide). He couldn't even tae time out of work to go to the doctors to see why we haven't been able to conceve. We had lots of sex but no babies. I wanted kids so bad. He could not care to go get check to see if it was him or me. Anyways that ended and once again I left him everything. The beautiful house, the boat, the dogs. That killed me leaving them but I ended up with one of the dogs. So now that brings me to number 3 and current husband.

Counseling did work for the first 3 weeks then things went back to usual. He keeps telling me he's not cheating anymore and I have to belive him for now. Yes he does have a drinking problem. His doctor said he's diabetic and needs to lose weight and stop or cut down on drinking. He says he's going to and for the past week he has cut down a little. But it's a start right? He knows what he needs to do. I just hope he does it. I want him to be the family man again.

I've told him mom about him cheating and boy did she go after him. Ripped him a new one. But thats it on his side. I told my family and friends and co-workers. But no one who will confront him. I need to tell his sister-in-law and her husband. I'm not so sure my husband will be very happy with me when I do tell M&J and what he's done.
He used the pc at out complex clubhouse. We did not have the pc hooked up inhouse. I didn't think anything about it. He told me he was looking up BBQ stuff. He's a BBQ judge. Then one sunday when I got home from work I found his phone on the bed. It was on. It had been locked for the past 6 months. I didn't know why. And when I asked him he told me because of the guys he works with. They make crank calls with his phone. Ok I believed it. DUMB. What I saw on that September sunday afternoon on him phone made me puke. I couldn't breath, or walk. I felt warm all
over from reading some of the text messages. Like, Thanks for making my morning. When you coming over again? Which was that morning. Evidently I left for work at 2am and he was out of the house by 5am going for a booty call. Yes he left the kids alone in the house. They are 8 & 14. There were other messages. "I love su**ing on you T**S while you ride me" "Wish we could get a hotel room next time". Things like that. I can't even think about that anymore. If I do I will never be able to get past this and I NEED TO.

I have my friends and family for my support group. But I'm not sure they really know how I feel, well my sister does but thats it. I have my co-workers too. The bad thing is I am a very EMOTIONAL person. I mean emotional, I cry at everything. So work has been tough. For the first 4 weeks or so I'd cry and cry and cry sitting at my desk. I'd work and get things done but I'd cry sometimes hysterically. I've lost 30 lbs and my appetite is not the same. I worry about finances all the time. I'm not good with finances.
I'm not very religous but I keep asking God, why is this happening to me, why me??? I ask him to guide me in the right direction but that never happens. I do love my husband very much and I do want to work this out but can I really get over this?

Thanks for everything

Your husband has his own issues but you can only change yourself and your issues. Here is what you need to fix. STOP LETTING MEN WALK ALL OVER YOU! They do it because you let them. I guess you may have a self esteem problem or something, but there is a pattern of you letting men mistreat you. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! This includes exposure to anybody and everybody. It includes enforcing marital boundaries including getting counseling for a sexual addiction, changing his cell phone number, giving you access to the cell phone bill, checking in with you, etc. And if he doesn't change then you need to divorce him. Here is the kicker. TAKE HIM FOR ALL HE IS WORTH! There is no way that you should have let your previous two husbands just walk away with no consequences to their actions. You are worth more than that. If you want men to respect you than you need to demand it from them, not just hope they give it to you, and if they don't just walk away. You take control.

Amen to what JMW just said! Stand up for yourself!!!

Thank you jmwc95, hearing this from a man really says something. I talked to my hubby today and we are really putting our marriage on the front burner. I used to be a very strong person I dont know where that part of me went but I know I do have to get it back. And now.

thank you all for being totaly blunt and to the point.

I have already changed his number and I've had control over the cell account this entire time I just didn't realize what was really going on. And he is going to be communicating with me more as to where he is.
I'm glad your all here to help me get past this.