My wife finally filed for divorce after 7 months of separation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> In the last 10 years of marriage, we never went out together, never kissed longer than a peck, never sat and held each other, never sat and just talked and laughed, she constantly let me know she wished she hadn't married me, and we had sex once or twice a year when she felt in a good mood. Even our pastor told me she treated me like poop.

So why do I still feel bad that I can't be around her any more?

We were together for almost half my life (22 years), she was the only woman I ever had sex with, we had 3 great small kids together.

I guess I miss being in a family (although the kids keep spending more and more time with me because they say she is mean to them). I spend my life trying to make her happy and failed. I'm not sure I can make someone happy.

I really have no desire to be married again and go through all of that torture again while hoping for a few memorable moments together. But I do crave someone to just talk to and go out with once in awhile. Someone that will actually smile when I'm with them.

But for now, I just want to do as much as I can for my kids.

HeartOnE..

Sorry you're feeling so bad right now. What you are feeling now is normal...loss, grief, sadness, etc....even though the relationship wasn't fulfilling to you.

I think the reason you are feeling bad that you cannot be around her anymore is plainly because you got used to the way things were and now you do not even have that "security" (if you get what I mean). You knew what to expect before, even though it was not much, but now you don't even have that.

Of course you will miss things about her and your relationship....I am sure she probably had a few redeeming qualities, plus as she was the only woman you ever had sex with and with kids involved, you miss "family"....you invested a lot. You hoped for a lot. Now you are missing that hope. Of course, you are also missing the good memories.

No you cannot MAKE someone happy. Nobody can MAKE anyone happy. It is very complex, but it is really all about each persons' emotional needs being met and each working hard to help make those emotional needs ARE met.If both aren't willing,, it won't work. For sure, "history" in a relationship (meaning unresolved differences, resentments, etc) will just slowly eat away at the relationship unless both work to move forward and work through that.

You have the right idea....do as much as you can for your kids....and the best way you can do that is DO THE BEST FOR YOURSELF !!! Turn back to your Pastor, talk to him, or have him recommend a Christian Counselor. Someone objective like this will be better for your emotional health than friends or family (more objective). Does your church offer a Divorce Recovery session? If not, maybe a sister church does.

I wish you good luck. Keep us posted.

My guess is there is more than 1 reason why you:


1. She's what you are "use to" - good, bad, whatever..
2. Fear of the unknown..
3. Fear of starting over
4. Fear of the "real thing" - intimacy, emotional connection, a healthy relationship
5. Losing "family life" - good, bad, whatever...
6. YOu wish your M would/could have been better, you feel if could have changed, it could have been what others have, and that causes sadness. You couldn't fix it.
6. You have become insecure

Didn't you crave this during your marriage and didn't have that feeling.

Try to get past your fears - yes, they have been validated by years of neglect,and it will be a tough road. But, you may just end up a very happy man.

I understand your feelings, as I had some of the same issues with my WH..Just a peck, no emotional itimacy, no SF (once ayear doesn't count). We laughed and sometimes did things together, but it was usually with friends or family, alone time wasn't what it should/could have been.

I've given up, and yes, I deserve more and so do you, someday when I heal from the rejection of him, I may be able to have more.

Just my 2 cents....

Hugs