My wife goes through phases of beinghappy with the marriage, and then being more interested in divorce.

My response this tim has been, "I Love you and I would like to work things out. But it seems that you are asking me to find another woman, and put my earnings toward some new woman and her family. I do not intend to look for a woman before our divorce is final, but what I hear you say is that you are financially and emotionally secure, and have no intererest in accommodating any of my wishes, preferences or predicted contingencies."

In the past I have tried to compromise when divorce has been threatened. This time, I am being more accepting of my wife's power to make the decision to divorce, and not trying to bend over backwards to make accomodations.

I am not sure what all is on her wish list, but some things seem like other peole have given her ideas of what she should try to accomplish, and when I point out further areas that are in conflict wtih those ideas, my wife seems distraguth, rather than being intersted in listing to total planning options.

More of my wife's family members are in town for the holidays, so maybe things will subside after the holidays are over, and fewer of her relatives are closeby to give her half-baked ideas of how to negotiate in her marriage.

You've been given feedback here before that perhaps you weren't listening to her as much as you were telling her what her feelings were.

As for her being distraught - that could be very understandable, if in real life, you really are as you portray yourself to be here. She probably lacks the self confidence to know she can live without your power and money and instructions on her every move.

If you hold true to form, you're hardly going to blink at this feedback, let alone really understand that there's a flesh-and-blood woman you've destroyed with your psychotherapy approach to your marriage.

If you don't receive any validation this time around, at least you can continue to validate yourself and ignore me and everyone else who's tried to help you work on YOU instead of change your wife.

Dear Kayla Andy,

Thanks for your reply.

I have gone back and reviewed advice I have received on other threads.

I have argued with my wife against divorce in the past, when she would bring up divorce. This time, I have acknowledged that divorce is an option she can choose, and my responses are primarily limited until after divorce.

My wife is not realy distraught, more expressing anger with her frustration with the uncertainties of planning for retirement.

I am not really seeking validation. I am posting my curent challenges, and my response, to see if someone has a better response or approach to suggest.

You seem to be referring to feedback in past threads that some of my desires for change in my wife have been disrespectful judgements. I have tried to avoid Love Busters, and I don't perceive my wife as feeling ignored, or not listened to. My wife is on the impatient and impulsive side. I am trying to extend patience and understanding

I am open to change myself. I have desires for my wife to change. I try to simplify my requests for my wife to change, and phrase my requests for her to change, in a postive, considerate, and loving manner.

I try to limit my expectations for my wife to change. But I do not accept the concept that thoughtful requests for a spouse to change in some way or another, are invalid. Certainly asking a spouse to change some basic traits is less likely to meet success, than requesting a specific action, or change of some thoughtless habit.