Yes, he needs to go to AA. Your H doesn't need to waste his time blabbing about "deeper emotional problems," [a diversion intended to con you] he needs to stop drinking and LEARN HOW TO LIVE SOBER. Your H has a LIVING problem and that is what they address at AA.

Any counselor will just send an alcoholic to AA. A counselor cannot help an alcoholic stop drinking and learn to live sober. They will just call up AA. Where do you think alcoholic counselors GO? They go to AA themselves!

Wow! Did that WORK? LOL

DarkAngel,

This situation actually happened with my niece and her husband. My sister seduced her own son-in-law. Of course, they were both "drunk" - but that is no excuse.

They had actually flirted for years before they followed through on their attraction to each other. I would encourage you to look back on their relationship, and ask yourself if you have noticed flirtations, sexual comments, or indications of attraction between the two of them before you caught them in the act? Although they are telling you this is the first and only time, it may or may not be true. Also, even if it is the first and only time, you need to be thinking about the idea that there may have been other things happening between the two of them that led up to this event, such as meeting one another, inappropriate groping and touching, etc. You should be asking him those questions. It is an indicator of what type of relationship they really have had, and how they came to be sexually engaged.

In my niece's/sister's case, it did not end well. Initially, my niece blamed my sister, and tried to reconcile with her husband. She completely cut off all contact with her mother. She exposed the relationship to everyone in the family.

Well, the young couple had three kids at the time of the affair, and so they tried to make things work. But my niece just never got over the pain, the images, of what had happened.

My sister tried to claim that her son-in-law "raped" her. "Right", everyone else said, as we all know that her initial description of the event, and numerous subsequent descriptions, did not come close to "rape". Without being too graphic, one part where she removed his clothing and how she did it is inconsistent with an unwilling partner. There is so much more that she said that is just ridiculous and shows her as a willing participant....Anyway.

After several years of attempts at reconciliation, the couple separated and divorced.

He had another affair during the marriage. So did my niece.

I need to say that my sister was divorced due to her long term affair in her marriage of 18 years (that her daughters knew about). After her divorce, she continued the affair, which was with a married man, for about 15 more years. He ultimately divorced his wife, but never married my sister - he had many other women on the side, she had other men on the side, just not a good life in terms of male relationships. She passed her "knowledge" of men on to her daughters.

My niece and my sister are now talking again. They go out to bars together, and pick up men together. My niece has had a series of bad relationships, including one with a married man. Her choice of men has been clearly influenced by her mother.

Give that some deep thought. Her choice of men has been clearly influenced by her mother.

Consider counseling for yourself, because you have some things to work through:

-Your choice of men, and why you choose the men you choose.
-Your enabling of his alcoholism.
-The issues that your mother has had with alcohol.
-The problems your mother has had with men, and the influence that she has had on your choices of men, and your ability to have/maintain/establish relationships with men.
-Your issues of self-esteem which have taken a huge hit with this affair; you have just found out about it, and believe me, the rollercoaster ride of pain has only just begun. You will need individual counseling to deal with what is yet to come, if you ever hope to recover your own self-esteem, let alone the marriage.

With all respect to you, call a counselor for yourself today. Regardless of what he does or says, you have a huge problem in front of you, and you will not have the support system in place to help you. Your mother, family, and husband have problems with alcohol. That in itself is a huge obstacle to overcome. An extramarital affair is a huge obstacle. Together they are extreme. But with a family member, your own mother, you face Mount Everest.

If there is a good place for you to be, it is here. Stand your ground on the ABSOLUTELY NO DRINKING. And whatever you do, there should be NO CONTACT with your mother. I personally know how hard that might be. But for now, keep it that way. Don't talk to her through your family either. No messages like, "tell her I hate her" or "tell her this or that". You are silent on her to your own family - it is the only way that YOU will make it through the darkness. Trust me on this one (when you are ready, I can get you through that part - for now - stay dark to her).

AND: Call the Harleys, today.



Schoolbus

Dark,

You and only you can set the boundries. I would sit down and put together a non negotiable list of what it is that you need right now to continue to stay. With the understanding that the list is just a start and can change. As well as your willingness to stay.

My FWW is in AA right now.

One thing I will tell you is do not expect anything from the FWH 0r WH or whatever he is for a while.

FIRST comes sobriety. That is a must. Unlike others I do not push AA necessarily. There are treatment plans other then AA if that is his choice. If he didn't like the meeting he went to there are tons of them each day at different times and he may find one he likes if he tries others.

So put together your list. Start with sobriety then work from there and expect slow progress.

I wish you the best.

Like I said the FWW has just taken her one year and it took 9 months for us to start working on the M.

It needs to be a requirement. His expaination is just another excuse to keep his old ways of thinking and drinking.

Fact is, he can't even start to comprehend his "emotional" problems while on the booze. He has it backwards. Also it sounds to me like he half-assed AA the first time around. Half measures get us nothing in AA. You must work the program it's way, not your own way.

Most counseleors worth any salt would require treatment BEFORE any real counseling can begin for you two.

Will you PLEASE stop saying the same thing I'm going to say before I do?/?????

Geezzz! LOL

DA,OMG. I can't believe what I just read.

Dump him. Walk away, and don't look back.

That's what I would do.

darkangel, I hope you never allow your mother to darken your doorstep again. It is a horrible thing to have a corrupt parent. I had to live with the same thing so I can sympathize with you.

Just to break the confusion, there is no drinking, he does not think that he will stop drinking AFTER counseling he knows that as of that day...no more!!!!! The counseling is not because the emotional issues make him do these types of things, the counseling is to address many issues that have been buried, that I think need to be addressed as well. We talked about AA and he asked my sister if she would attend a meeting with him (she has been there) He also asked her if she would try to help him along the way...he has a lot of faith in her and knows she knows what he is going through. My mother will NEVER step foot in my home again. There is no way in ****** I will forgive her. Many may ask why forgive him and not her. She has never been a mother to me and I tried anyways. This is the end, she is dead to me

Do you think your WS can stick to his promise? He is an alcoholic and this is only the 3rd day of 2007. The shock and guilt of what he has done is enough to keep him sober...for now...but as time wears on the craving for alcohol with trump those feelings. Trust me, I am the child of an alcoholic and I have a child from a previous relationship than the one I am in now where the man was an alcoholic. The relationship lasted for almost 8 years and during that time there were NUMEROUS promises to stop the drinking and he too swore up and down everytime that this was the absolute LAST time he would ever drink again. Guess what? We were together from 1991-1999 and he always went back to the drinking behind my back at first and then openly once I had found his latest alcohol stash.

We have not been together since early 99' and in those 7 years since he has STILL not stopped drinking.

So maybe you feel that your WS is a special case because he is so very different and special from every other alcoholic in the world but it's extremely likely that he isn't going to stop.

I hope that I am wrong and that the power of whatever you belive in can stop his drinking cold but don't be surprised if he goes back to drinking. It's an addiction and has nothing to do with how he feels for you. So nothing that he has done to you is going to have the power to stop him for very long.

I cannot say that I am sure that he will keep his promise, it has not been enough time for me to determine that. Since I first posted my in laws have lost their home, his job messed up his paycheck, we dont have enough money to pay our mortgage and he was offered a job working 72 hrs a week. There are plenty of things going on that would give him the opportunity to tell me that with all going on he does not have time for counseling and AA. He has NOT SAID THAT, but this will let me know where we stand on his list of priorities. I know the drinking can stop for a while, but then pick up all over again and he could say its the stress. Fortunately, that will be NO EXCUSE for me. I deal with stress (trust me I have plenty) and I dont drink my way through it. He has asked my sister to attend AA with him and if possible talk to him when he has an urge. This needs to come from within him and nobody else. If he is doing it for me or the kids, it will not last...he needs to do it for himself, which in turn will help others involved. I told him that wanting to change and actually changing are two different things. The alcoholism is going to be a lifelong struggle and he needs to realize that. I cannot say that it WILL change, but he has one last chance to do it. Even if he sneaks it, I know and I will not believe his word until I have a reason to do so. Actions speak louder than words and he needs to SHOW me. I will keep you updated. He is currently attending counseling and AA, we will see how it goes. Thank you for your support, it means more than I can express.

Hang in there. Either he will or will not change. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Sorry that you are going through all this right now.

NO NO

big [color:"red"] RED FLAG [/color]

your H has shown he has a lack of boundaries with women, even women in his wife's family tree

so, NO

he can take a male to AA

not another female

NO NO NO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

It may seem ridiculous to not worry about my sister, but I dont worry about that. He has no friends, male or female. He asked me to go with him too, she was on meth for about 10 years and has attempted to get him to give AA or rehab a chance for quite some time. We are going together. He just needs her for advice, since shes been addicted worse than he has. Nothing inappropriate...and we are going all 3 of us. Thanks for the concern though, completely understood

He does not need her for advice at all. He needs a male sponsor. You will regret this.

I understand your concern. My sister is not that type of person and her and my husband have never even played aroung flirtatiously. I know what youre thinking, I probably said the same thing about my mother too. When in AA, sure I would like him to have a male sponsor. If I am there with them, I see no reason he cannot get advice from someone who has been there. This is someone whom I trust with my life, unlike my mother. Thank you for your advice anyways, I still appreciate it.

I agree....i also think he could benefit from SA as well as AA. I'd insist on it.

HI, I hope that you are doing better! I was wondering if you have read about how A's begin.

I think that it may be worth your time to revisit the article... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ...a refresher!

Coping with Infidelity: Part 1
How Do Affairs Begin?

Please understand that we are looking out for you...we care doing this out of care and concern...not that we feel that your judgement is bad or that you are not thinking clearly...

Some of us have been greatly hurt by what we thought was innocent at the time...

What is your belief on male and female interaction? Just wondering...perhaps you can help me with my thinking on the subject...

Wishing you well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Exactly what is the type? Just curious because my wife wasn't the "type" to have an affair either.

Mine either BigK; Sunday school teacher, christian, mother, friend, partner, active in School, helper, church choir, compassionate, loving, appreciative, brought up right, and NOW an adulteress.

They never seem to be the type until they 'is' one.