My wife and I of seven years have had problems since the birth of our children three and one half years ago. I wish I had found this site long ago.

At about 12:01am on 12-18-2006 I found out my wife had an EA with a man she met at a conference in DC. She said she wanted me to move out. I emailed and called the man that morning and talked with him in a non-happy voice.

She saw an attorney and filed for divorced sort of. I have not been served because I have no address as of yet. I spent Christmas with her and the kids we wound up in the bedroom. The early morning hours of Christmas she goes psycho on me. Then she takes the kids and leaves.

The day before New years eve she is supposed to sweep in grab some things and then head to her brothers house. She becomes sick with the flu and I wind taking care of her all weekend. On New’s Eve she tells me it was a PA and that she still wants a divorce even this person has already dumped her and gone back to his wife. As if he probably ever left her in the first place.

I told her I already knew and that I wanted to work through things because I love her. We made love and then spend yesterday and today together.

Tonight we went to see our counselor whom we have seen for about four months and she announces emphatically that she wants me out and that it is over, we are divorcing. She also says she is “confused” and needs to “find herself and want she wants”.

She tells me she wants me to be a father that she needs that because she cannot be that. I travel for work (only recently now) about three weeks out of the month. She also keeps little glimmers of hope in the conversations like if she sees who I used to be that is the person she wants.

I have a total paradigm shift in my thinking since the uncovering of this. I have seen where I have let her down in meeting her needs. It is very much akin to a spiritual awakening. She of sees the changes acknowledges them but doesn’t believe they will last. Therefore she says why give you one more chance and get hurt again when it can just be ended now. All she loses is the husband she doesn’t want.

This is the darkest night of my life. Any words of wisdom will be appreciated.

Thanks, I’ll be around here a lot for a while.

She’ll lose a lot more than a husband she thinks she doesn’t want. Did you get the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech? This little phrase hurts a lot, but I see it as full of hope. I never said this to my H because by the time I realized I wasn’t in love with him, I hated him. I didn’t love him at all.

Give your wife time to see that the changes you are making are permanent changes, not a bait and switch. If she insists on separating, consider a Controlled Separation. You can read about it in a book called “Should I Stay or Should I Go? How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage.” Basically, instead of one of you just moving out, you plan the separation in advance and negotiate everything. Who gets what from the house, who has the children when, how the money is handled, how dating each other and others is handled. Every issue is worked out in advance with the help of a counselor. The very process of negotiating the separation works as therapy.

The separation itself could show your wife how much more she stands to lose than just the old you. Income becomes an issue for most couples. You won’t be there to help her out when she gets the flu. The children will be unhappy and stressed out by the change.

You meanwhile can continue to demonstrate those changes. One thing to keep in mind. You need to spend 15 hours each week alone with your wife meeting each other’s needs to maintain the relationship. That’s incredibly hard to do when you are traveling 3 weeks a month and have children. I’m not saying you should quit your job today, however, you should talk to your wife to see how she feels about you making a job change.

Check back in with us and let us know how you are doing.

PS: Try posting on Just Found Out and General Questions II. Those boards deal with Wayward Spouses who want divorces all the time, and they get a LOT more traffic. You’ll get more responses there.

OK I will move over to the wayward spouse. Yes I did get the I love you but I am not in love with you speech last night.

She was my boss. She makes five times the money I do. She fired me in September. So, I asked her about a job change already but really didn't get an answer.

She was your boss? Is it a family company? Most corporations don't give let spouses supervise each other.

When you post on the other board, include this information, when you think the Affair started, how old you are etc.