My STBXWH and I have been seperated since Sept. I filed for divorce in October after our 22nd wedding anniversary. I want to invite him to dinner tonight. All my friends are at work. I need someone to talk me out of it. I think it's just going to cause me more heartache.
I want to ask him so badly if this is what he really wants?
I really don't want this divorce... I want my H back and my family together.

SH01
Me BW 45
Him STBXWH 45
Married 22 years together 27
3 kids DD 19, DD 16 and DS 13
1st affair DD 10/13/01
DD #2 1/23/02 with 27 year old single co-worker
2nd affair
DD#1 8/13/06 with married 27 year old (he's her boss)
Seperated 9/06
Filed D 10/06

Don't do it. I had a weak moment a few weeks ago and thought about asking EX WW if she is really happy in the "mess" she finds herself and ask her if she wanted to talk. Something kept me from doing it and a few days later I hear things that make me think she is in the fog deeper than she has ever been.

If he doesn't want a D then he knows where to reach you, not you reaching out to him. You've already done that part.
Stay strong.

Thanks Hopeandpray,
I guess I'm just finding myself really down today. The dinner I made is something that I actually can cook well and he always liked. I'm not the greatest of cooks.
I know he still is deep in the fog... I just want him to wake up before he loses everything that I know at one time was important to him. I just remeber the good times and miss that. I need to keep reminding me of all the heartbreak of this past summer.

Do you have kids and how long have you been divorced? Does it get any better.

SH01

I have been divorced since August 31, 2006. D-day was January 4, 2006. I found out for the first time in our relationship of 8 years and M of 6 years that she wasn't happy November 1, 2005. Well, later I learned why. The A started in Sept. 2005. We had just had a child in Feb. of 2005. He was 7 months old when his mother decided to have an A with an old, serial cheating, lying, STD infested, doctor she met at work (only went back to work in August 2005 after about three years as mostly SAHM). I have a step daughter (I am daddy to her as I met her and raised her from one year of age, and she's just turned 10 this past Sunday). We had a tough custody battle and I was awarded full custody of our son who was about 18 mos old at the time. I tried to Plan A and offered her a path back but she chose not to take it. You can't save someone from themselves.

Yes, it does get better and will get better. Remember you did not cause this too happen. This was a choice your WH made for all of you. You are worthy or respect, dignity, love and care. You believe that first about yourself and then someone who truly deserves you will come along who wants to provide and meet your needs and allow you to meet his.

You will survive this and prosper. I wish I could say the same for your WH but I believe his life will be filled with sadness and heartbreak. At an appointed time he may get it and desire to talk with you or he may not. Either way it will be your choice not his should this occur.

God bless.

Just for fun, what were your going to cook?

Hopeandpray,
Thanks for answering my questions. I'm just having weak moments right now. I hate to admit to myself that I still love him. Today just hearing his voice on my answering machine made my heart tingle.
I just can't understand why someone would do this... he's destroying his relationship with his daughters. His 29 year old fling seems more important to him then his children.
It's so hard to remeber I didn't cause this... I was far from perfect im my marraige. I was making changes but I guess it was too late for him. I know I did everything I could except change his mind. I just want to know if he is having second thoughts about all of this. I'm just afraid to hear the answer.
I can't imagine leaving my kids behind.. it seems thats what his MOW is doing. Her first H is trying to get custody of their daughter. I think her 2nd H should try to get custody of their son. But it's none of my business.
How are your kids handling this? Do they see you XW?
I'm making home made spagetti and meatballs from an old family recipe. Thanks for asking. The last time I made it I gave him some to take to his place, then I see that he charges over 100.00 on dinner for his MOW the day after our 22nd wedding anniversary. That's why I don't want to call because I know if I try to be nice somehow I'm going to be hurt again.

SH01

No problem and your feelings are all normal. I still in my heart have a tingle of love for my EX WW when I see her at exchanges.

My step daughter lives with her (and old OM who is still married by the way). Our son is with me except every other weekend, 4 weeks in summer, one week at Christmas and alternating major holidays about 70+% of the time. She has filed an appeal but my attorney assures me that he is not concerned and that the case was handled excellently by the judge. EX WW is destroying relationship with SD. SD was with me and her little brother all last week as I was on vacation and at least three times mentioned the situation with the OM and EX WW and that someday when she gets older she may want to come and live with me instead.

As far as him having second thoughts don't presume anything. If he really is then he needs to man up and accept responsibility for what HE's done and ask you to consider staying M to him. That's on him, not you. He needs to be at a place of remorse, repentance and ready to get the help needed to save a M. He, like my EX WW, doesn't appear to be there.

I hope the MOW's H gets custody of their daughter and would like to believe that 2nd H is trying as well. I hope both your WH and MOW are left with nothing to look at but each other. Something tells me that when this is the case neither will look nearly as good in the other's eyes. The fantasy will have turned into a nightmare.

I love spaghetti and meatballs! Have you ever served it with italian sausage in place of meatballs? Great! Spaghetti and meatballs, a cold crisp salad and some garlic bread, wow...I'm getting hungry.

Hang in there, respect yourself, know that you gave the WH a chance, a path back.

Still hurting- You and I are in a similar spot. I filed for D a month ago after finding out about H's second affair. I made him move out but he calls every day and comes over as much as I"ll let him.I can tell his affair is not the big deal he thought that it would be.I believe deep down this is not what he wants but I"ll wait him out to see if he shows some real remorse and repentance. If so I'll consider taking him back. But right now I'm not seeing it. Breaks my heart. But there's no way to fix a marriage all by yourself. Take care- lifeismessy

Hopeandpray,
You are so insightful... your right I don't think my husband is even there yet. Do I wish he were, with all my heart. I don't think he will ever be there. He was never one to admit to his mistakes or say he was sorry. It was something that always bothered me. But I overlooked that because I loved him deeply. I gave him my heart and soul.
I can only wish that happens with him and his MOW. I think it may as they both have cheated before. Is it awful to wish for him to hurt as much as he has hurt me and our children. Is it awful to still want to be with him. Does this confusion ever go away?
I love replacing sweet or even hot sausage for my meatballs. But I must admit my meatballs are good. It was a very nice supper and I didn't invite him< apparently according to my oldest daughter he was invited to the governors inaguation tonight (big mucky muck) I told my oldest daughter that I almost invited him to dinner and that I missed daddy. She told me she missed daddy too, the old daddy not the one he is now or who he was this summer. I told that's the one I miss.
LIM our situations are similar both our H's have had 2 affairs and we've been married for a long time. The only differance is my H doesn't come aropund much. Doesn't really care to talk to me. It's sometimes like I never existed. He also never showed any remorse after either affair. If he did show remorse now and promised to work on it I would take him back. But I'm just kidding myself he doesn't want me back. Boy that hurts to say. It's something I just need to realise and come to accept. Thank God for this board and my friends and kids.
I hope tomorrow is a better day. I'm think of you LIM in my prayers. And I hope to be as strong as hopeandpray seems to be.
hopeandpray I wouldn't worry about custody of your son. It also says alot about you as a dad when your SD says she wants to be with you. The mow H is also very close to his step daughter. I feel that says alot about a man.
SH 01

Thanks for the kind words stillhurting. YOU will get over this I promise. IT will not be easy but you will.

I admire you staying strong for your children. Do things for yourself. Look at this as an opportunity to become a new and better you. Help others who need help.

May God bless you and your family.

I don't know how strong I am for my kids right now. I.m crying here at the computer. Because STBXWH talked with the kids and not me. Isn't that pathetic.
Why does it seem it doesn't even bother them. I hate this.
Tonight is just a bad day... I know tomorrow I will feel better. This is the year that I'm working on me and my issues. I'm going to do the things with my kids that we want to do. I'm just having a pity party tonight.
2007 has to be better than 2006.
I hope at some point I can help others also like you have done for me tonight, right now I'm just being needy. Tomorrow is another day.

Just wanted to bump this up and say that I'm feeling much stronger this week. I didn't reach out to my STXWH. I took hopeanprays' advice to heart. To let him reach out to me.
It's funny I was in IC this morning and metioned the hard time I had last week, wanting to ask my WH if we really should be doing this. Let's try some more. I don't want this divorce etc. And she said the same thing about letting him come to me. And if he ever does come to me it will be because HE wants too. Not out of pity or my asking.
She knows my Wh (she was our MC) and doesn't even think he is close yet (he still is deep in fog and doesn't think he's doing anything wrong)
She also said this is all normal feelings and she is happy to see I'm reaching out to friends and here. That I'm seeing that it's a struggle between my heart and my head and acknowledging this.
I still would give anything for this not to be happening...just got thru reading the 3 % club. Thinking I am part of the 3 % who's H has left them for the other woman. But then I realise it's for the OW. I'm not sure if my WH is still carrying on with MOW as much as before. I think his attorney may have told him to lay low or her attorney said the same so she doesn't loose custody of her D from 1st marriage.
Just wanted to say that at least the past couple of day my rollercoaster is heading up the hill. Hope the plunge is far away.
Thanks
SH01