Hi,

I am glad to have found this board. The posts help me to feel that the emotions I am going through are normal.
I am the BW and found out one week before Christmas that my husband was having a PA with a co-worker. I had suspected it for about one month prior to actually finding out for sure. All of the signs were there; he was frequently making excuses to leave the house, his cell phone was glued to him, he was very distant, etc. I had confronted him a few weeks earlier when the cell phone bill showed the OW's phone number many times per day. He claimed they were just friends and made it seem like I was a bad wife for not trusting him so I let it go but the feeling in the pit of my stomach told me I was right.
When I did find out for sure I confronted him again and this time he admitted to the affair. I am going through so many emotions right now I feel like I am about to lose my mind. The OW is 24 and a single mother, my WH is 39, and I am 42. He says she reminds him of me when we met, that they have more in common than we do, that it was a big ego boost for him, and that she makes him feel like her knight in shining armor.
I have so many questions from y'all. How do I get over the constant thoughts of them sleeping together? I can't turn back the years and become young again and that makes me feel old and defeated. They work together on a daily basis and that fact eats me alive, how can I deal with that fact and function normally? I always wonder if he is comparing me to her and vise versa.
Please help me to get over some of these feelings and move forward.
Thanks Y'all

Welcome, and sorry you have to be here, but you are in familiar territory with most posters here.

I'm pretty new here, but from my own experience and what is taught here the first thing you need to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You take that energy and put it into action positively.

You need to:
1. Expose the affair to family and friends on BOTH sides.

2. Expose the affair to HR at their place of work.

3. Establish that WH has NO CONTACT with OW. This means one of them needs to get a job somewhere else. Gain support from WH parents if you can. Gain support from OW parents also. They all can help you battle this.

4. Go into Plan A. Be strong, no mopey. Be happy, and better yourself and show WH how great of a person you are. No matter what remain calm and lay down the boundries which he has broken.

Others will give you more specifics. I only had to deal with an EA (so far), but the same process and plan of action applies.

I'm sorry that you have to be here, but this is a very good place to start working on your marriage and getting your H back.

One of the most important things is that your H or OW have to change jobs or they will see each other everyday.

The feelings you are having are normal. Please stay here with us and we will help you.

your marriage is not over.

achingheart--

We all hate to see another marriage go through this pain, but you are in a good place for support and advice.

There are numerous things you need to do at this point so you need to find strength and resolve. None of this is easy -- your feelings and emotions will be all over the map.

Most of us have gone from hating our wayward spouse to loving them to hating them to loving them . . . . all in a very short time frame.

How did you find out about the affair? Was it revealed to you by someone else or did you discover the evidence?

Who else at their place of work knows? As was already advised, exposure is necessary. Their work place is the logical place for this to happen. His boss, her boss, co-workers you know, friends of your husband, church, etc. This will probably mean a vitrolic and venom-filled tirade from your husband. He will declare and vow all sorts of things -- you must understand where this is coming from and that his tune will most likely change over time.

As long as he continues to see the OW on a regular basis, true healing can not begin.

You MUST remember a few things that you will question many times:

• No matter what the condition of your marriage prior to his affair, the affair was not your fault! No matter what he blames you for or points out in you, HE made the decision to betray your marriage and family.
• You are not going crazy. You will question this as your emotions swing from extreme to extreme. This is normal and understandable. You need counseling and someone in whom you can confide. If you have small children, you need someone who can help you care for them if needed.
• You need to become intimately familiar with the material on this site. There is a wealth of information on this site. I recommend you check out this link http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...05303&an=0&page=0#405303 as a starting point.

You are strong. You can do this. You need support and you have a good start here.

Blessings.

Thank you,

I am going from loving him to hating him almost on an hourly basis.
I found letters that she had written to him in detail. Prior to that I had received an anonymous phone call which to this day I suspect was her. But it could have been anyone, we live in a town of 1100 people and our car is the only one of its type so someone could have seen the car at her house.
I know that some people at their work suspect it and I know that one person knows for sure. Unfortunately that person is his best friend whose wife found out 2 weeks before I did that her own husband was having an EA.
My mother-in-law is the first person I told about it, she is very close to me, like a mother to me since I lost my mom. His grandmother knows also, they are both putting pressure on him. Another friend of ours knows and he is trying to get my WH a job in another state at this time. The resume has been sent already.
We only moved to this town 6 months ago so I don't know many people but I want everyone to know. Another thing that really makes me angry is that she (the OW) is still happily living her life. After the pain she caused my family I want her to pay. I know this is wrong but I can't help this feeling. I have ordered the book Surviving An Affair to help me get through this as well.
I will try to be strong, I know I need to try to stay upbeat. Have already started a diet, and will be starting a workout routine. Unfortunately I can't work, so I think I need to find some other type of social interaction to help me feel confident again.

Thanks Again

first things first

we advise all "basket cases" to see their physician for an RX >>> anti-depressants
and to
to get checked for STDs

then we advise all "basket cases" (after the ADs have kicked in) to read SAA (see Harley's bookstore link scroll to the top of the page)

make NO DECISION until you are no longer an emotional "basket case"

I stress survival for the first 2-3 weeks

OK?

Pep

Nicely put Pep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SHe always gives great advice!


(((((AC64))))))

I am soooo sorry that you are feeling the pain that you are!!! We are all here to support you in your time of need!

Self-care is essential at this point. It helps maintain your sanity!

AH64:

Sorry you have to be here, and we got here from different directions, but we all try to help.

The others have started to lay out the process of what you need to start doing to blow up the Affair.

You need to learn about Emotional Needs. (EN's around here.) You can order His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) right off this website.

And your WH has stated what he was missing:

He says she reminds him of me when we met, that they have more in common than we do, that it was a big ego boost for him, and that she makes him feel like her knight in shining armor.

OUCH.

You state that you can not be all these things.

I will, with all due respect, disagree with you.

You can do all those things. But you have to change your behaviors to get there, and HNHN can help you with that!.

Really.

I am sorry you are going thru this...and during the holiday season, too.
I went thru the same thing...H found a younger person...
we had 4 kids, too
I ended up divorcing him..
It is almost 6 years later and I am now remarried...but,I still go thru the emotions you are experiencing now. I dont know if I am normal or anything...but, the emotions of it all have stuck with me. It is better now, of course...with time...but, every once in a while, I get flooded with so much pain, hurt, anger and rage. Then it goes away as fast as it came...Perhaps with me, I never got the answers I needed...why he did that. Why he destroyed our family...he never offered an explanation other than he was in love with her.
This is the best place for you to be. The people here are so wonderful and will bring you much comfort.
For now, I wish i could just give you a hug.
Hang in there,
Emma