Post deleted by committed242

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your situation sounds very promising to me. Most wandering spouses think the marriage cannot be restored at all.

Also most don't keep enjoying sex, so you are way ahead of the games.

For this to work, she needs to have no contact with him ever again, and needs to send a no contact letter. Will she be able to do that since they work together?

Post deleted by committed242

Perhaps telling OM'sW about the affair might lead to some clarity for both of them. This is not a game.

During our meeting time tonight I expressed that I was glad she felt better, but I was pretty much lost as to what direction this was supose to be going.

I told her that I was not asking her to respond, but said that I was trying to understand the process and did not know if this was about her "finding" herself to determine if she wanted to be in this marriage or "finding" herself and restoring our marriage.

Although not requested by me that she answer, she did she said it was the latter and that is what she wanted to do.

A flood of emotion swept over my body. At least I have some sense of direction, exactly what I needed at this very moment. I told her that I understood that this was only the very beginning of a journey, but one that we could proceed with together.

I guess I really should be happy how this is going so far.

Wow. I am so glad I found this post. Something so similar is happening to me right now and it is so reassuring to hear someone else is going through it too. Mind if I share? I'll try to keep it brief.

My W and I have been married for 12 years (our anniversary is in a few weeks.) As far as I was concerned ours has been an amazing marriage, way above average in every area. With only one exception (that I now realize was much more important that I knew at the time,) we've never had anything close to a breakdown or crisis. We were happy, blissfully so.. or so I thought. We had issues like everyone but I thought they were common marriage conflicts and once we talked about them, it was over and we moved on, better than ever. Well... after one month of a four month deployment in Iraq my wife informs me that in my absence she has realized that our marriage is sick, dying and maybe even dead. The realization hit her when a younger man at church flirted with her and she was frightened by how positively she reacted to it. He is a dance instructor and there was some non sexual touching and flirting in public. He invtited her to take a ride on his motorcycle and suggested they go get a massage together. Uhhhmm, yeah. She then tells me that we may need to get a divorce so 'we can see if we really want to choose to be together when you know the real me."

Well, as anyone can imagine, especially any man - I was absolutely rocked. This came out of nowhere for me and it took me to my knees. I simply couldn't believe this was happening to me. After sleeping next to this woman for 12 years, breathing the same air - I now wondered if I had been sleeping with a monster. It just seemed surreal. Being 10,000 miles away in a war zone and totally helpless didn't help (though it may have saved this young man's life.)

It took us weeks to whittle down to the real issues. I assumed the worst and it took my self esteem to rock bottom. But the more we talked and I gently teased out the real issues, a picture began to emerge. Thanks to God and Dr Harley, we have gotten to the root of the problem and, like so many problems, it is just about the basics. Thankfully she and I had read His Needs, Her Needs a few years ago and at least we had a vocabulary and some tools to get past the hurt and understand what was really going on. Using the the tools and communication strategies on this site I found out, for the first time, that our marriage has at times been extremely abusive for my wife. She is extremely senstive to criticism and I have been unknowingly engaging in Love Buster behavior towards her for years... since maybe even before our marriage. Someone who is not so sensitive to critisicm would have long ago said, "Hold it buddy. You are out of line." But becasue she loved me and believed my 'disappointment' must be valid, she chose to stay in "Intimacy" and not rise to "Conflict" to defend herself. Doing so was very very damaging to her over a long period of time and finally she began seeing that she was vulnerable to seeking the love she didn't feel from me from someone else. Interestingly, especially for someone who considers themselves pretty sensitive, I had no idea. I knew I wasn't meeting my W's EN like she was mine but she couldn't seem to tell me how to be better so I kinda stopped trying.

Right now we are way way better. This 'flirt' was insignificant and only a sentinal event, a warning shot (thank goodness.) We are starting over very carefully. She may even move out for a short time as I practice avoiding love busters and we put things back together. I am trying to see ours as an abusive relationship for her (though I had no idea) and I am trying to put my hurt and my needs on the back burner for now (not easy but has to be done.)

Sorry for the long story. I hope it is helpful for you. My advice is love and support her and do anything she asks for a while. No demands, no judgements, just love and patience. After a time, as you continue to meet her emotional needs despite her inability to meet yours at this time, she will begin to feel safe enough to engage you. You guys should start with Your love busters (ignore hers for now. check out the site) then move on to her emotional needs (again, check out the site and buy the books) Be patient, Her love busters towards you and your emotional needs are just as important and will also have to be addressed - but right now she is not ready. She will be. This stuff is magic and it does work.

Hang in there brother. I'm very interested in your experience.

There's another possibility here. Perhaps she's trying to justify her reaction by thinking that she would not have responded that way to the OM if her M was good, therefore her M must be bad.

The only problem with that line of thinking is that As happen in good Ms as well as bad ones.

I think it's entirely normal to feel good when someone else shows interest in us. However, how we CHOOSE to respond to that feeling depends a lot more on personal boundaries and values than it does on anything else. For example, there are right and wrong ways to deal with "bad" Ms - engaging in an A is definitely one of the wrong ways.



This is probably not a good idea. Who came up with this suggestion? Note that WS' often use this "move out" excuse to provide themselves with more freedom to indulge in their A without interference from the BS.

Well, thank you for the validation. I appreciate your perspective. I agree, her response to the flirt was inappropriate and there probably was some justification involved. Though there was trouble in our relationship, it was not my 'fault' becasue I was totally ignorant. So if she felt justified in flirting becasue of our 'bad marriage', you're right, that is not accurate thinking. I honestly would have changed anything I could had I known what I was doing. I knew I could be insensitive, like everyone. I had no idea I was 'love busting.' Insensitive brute.

I'm honestly not worried about the flirt because I've felt vulnerable to an affiar before for other reasons and I understand her reaction. I know from personal experience what it means and what it doesn't - or at least what it meant for me. I also know you can pretty easily move beyond that vulnerability when your EN are met.


As for her desire to move out for a short time (1-2 weeks after I get home from Iraq.. which is in a few weeks) I know it is dysfunctional. The move out... well it hurts me, I won't lie. But again, for my Wife there has been a cancer in our marriage and she is afraid. I don't think I would react the way she is, but I'm not her. My mother never told me I was ugly and that she was embarrased by me, as my wife's did to her all the time. I don't think our baggage justifies our dysfunctional behavior but it can explain it. I feel confident, if the move out happens, it will be short. I feel confident that there is no emotional infidelity and, though not optimal, we are doing the best we can do right now.

I'm intersted in your views.

=) BS

Single guy. =) I'm really trying not to think about that part of it. I've never hurt anyone before but I confess the stupidity of this individual produces some rather violent urges on my behalf. Unless she is lying, there has been no further contact. If she is lying, she is only hurting herself. I value my marriage above anything else in the world but I refuse to fear. I decide what I will accept from others and what I won't. So far this situation is consistant with what I know about myself, my wife and my marriage.

My wife has reaffirmed that she wants to keep the family together. However, she has discovered in counseling the way that she has been dealing with issues, turning it all inside, and not communicating has to be addressed.

Unknown to me how stressful my job has been to her over the life of our marriage. She fears that she will be left alone with two children to raise and also wonders how she will tell them that daddy is not coming home. The danger of my job is not that excessive. However, there was an incident about 5 years ago that occurred at work that left a very deep impact on her....again unknown to me. Part of my hurt now is that I should have saw this, but didnt't.

She told me that part of the withdrawal from me was probably to protect herself emotionally if she ever was left alone.

I feel like I am on a emotional roller coaster ride which I know is to be expected. However, on every rise I am hoping to catch a glimpse of something in the distance (future) to grasp onto. Maybe I am asking for too much, too fast??

This morning after she woke up she cuddled up next to me and I was holding her. I asked her how she felt right now. She said, that she felt very "content". God I hope we are moving in the right direction.

Committed:

Did you mention that your wife wanted to find herself? I'm in that exact situation...she told me that she had to "Find herself" after her EA with a co-worker was busted wide open by the OM g/f. We keep going back and forth with legal sep. and Divorce. Now we're going towards legal sep.

Her behavior has been distant...and selfish, until I accused her of having sex with the OM and didn't back off until I made her cry. She still denies it and it's very, very convincing, I also spoke to OM and he's very, very convincing.

You sound like me.