Just to throw the question out there. Suppose Husband finds wife cheating on him, she confesses, but recovery takes time, things do not go back to normal (obviously). Husband meets Girl A, and being fed up of the troubles at home, is more inclined to have an affair, or to at least takes things further with Girl A, get to know her better, ask her out for drinks to chat, thing he never would have done before discovering his wife's affair. Maybe also a little tit-for-tat mentality involved.

Is this a possible scenario, or a realistic one? And how can Husband A know if its the end of his marriage and that its time to move on with someone else, or if this is another fantasy relationship he created in his head just to escape troubles at home, very much like what his wife did?

What would you say to someone in this situation?

Hi Dev,

I've been looking for you, wondering how you were doing.

The type of thing you're speaking of happens quite a bit.

Has it happened to you?

~ Marsh

It's realistic depending on the degree of actual recovery that happened post affair.

What it really contributes is marital dissatisfaction, justification fodder, and the fact that the fidelity and exclusivity line has already been corrupted.

Yes, it's a fantasy 'relationship'. It's Adultery.



End the A. Confess to your W EVERYTHING. Establish NC. Get through W/drawals and figure out if either of you want this marriage.

If you do, then get yourself a good MC and commit to your M.

Otherwise, get a D, and move on.

~ Marsh

What would you say to someone in this situation?

Oh I missed this part...sorry.

I would say..what did you miss in the affair = bad idea department the first time around?

I think that pretty much every single BS on the planet has been tempted to do something of the sort for a whole bunch of unwholesome reasons...in the endgame the reasons WHY matter a lot less than the reasons why NOT.

Hi Marsh,

Sorry, been caught up during the holidays, and didn't post.

Over the holidays (Christmas and New Years) we've been doing ok. For a time, it even seemed like it was back to the old days, I could see the woman I married 2 years ago. But when I got back to work, things changed a bit, reality set in, that there was so much more to do.

I've been doing an OK Plan A, not talking about M or R with her, and only when she initiates the talk during the last week or so. She said she felt ok when she was at home during the holidays with me, but that she still has feelings for OW, and look forward to going back to work to see her. She's waiting for the 2nd interview for the new job and just this morning another company called her up for an interview, so we're making progress towards separating them both. A small victory would be that she finally admitted on her own that until there was no contact, her thoughts and feelings would be influenced by feelings for the OW and that if given a chance, she would take the new job to get away from her, cause she knows its wrong.

About the double affair thing. Because I stil don't trust my WS, I still think (rightly or wrongly) that she's seeing the OW still. Though she denies it and says she has not, I guess it will take more than her words to convince me of her innocence this time around. We both know that we cannot begin to heal until after NC is established, but while working our way towards that, I'm beginning to feel...indifference. Sometimes I think whats the point and even if we got back together at the next rough patch in our M she will run into the arms of someone else. So what would be the point?

I met someone at a New Year's eve party recently who I am very attracted to. Before the A, I would just avoid any other contact with her and not want to take it further, but these days I feel more and mroe like asking her out for a drink, to spend some time with someone new. A new start, so to speak. I know its wrong, since my WS and I have agreed to start counselling next week, and I know that doing so will dig me a deeper hole, but I do need companionship and someone new whom I can talk to without the shadow of deceit or infidelity hanging over my head.

Its not like there were sparks btw us and all that, but that I now feel like reaching out when I would not have before. I'm not sure if I do whether I'll end up hating myself

Too easy. It's time to move on when he has a nice shiny "divorce final" certificate in his hands and has preferebly been that way for 2 years.

Quote:
and I know that doing so will dig me a deeper hole

That is YOUR answer to this question from your own mouth.

That is what you KNOW..your logical conscious mind telling you red flag.

Quote:
but I do need companionship

This is true and there are appropriate solutions that do not involve having an affair and you know it.

Quote:
and someone new whom I can talk to without the shadow of deceit or infidelity hanging over my head.

You aren't describing a friend..you are describing a DATE. Married people don't date. Your spouse had an affair. You can walk away...you are completely justified to walk away and have that fresh start it might not even be a bad idea...but...you need to finish one relationship before you begin another.

This woman is not a snot rag or a tool...she is not a thing for you to use and discard...and if she is volunteering for the role of OW then that is a definite "no" unless you just haven't had your share of pain yet.

No, your wifes affair does not justify your own..yes we all know it's a strong temptation.

The best advice is to make a decision about whether you are going to honor your vows until they are restored or dissolved via divorce and then you make

~choices~

which support that decision.

YOU choose not to put yourself in an affair fertile environment.

It is YOUR job to protect your weak and vulnerable areas and your job to maintain your boundaries and integrity.

Dev - beware because you are entering your own fog here. Do not have opposite sex confidants.

Let's hope this one pans out soon.

But, how long are you willing to wait?

You could put an end to this by exposing.

Why not consider doing it now?



This is pointless if the A is still on going.



These feelings and thoughts are completely normal.



Don't do it, Dev.

It ain't worth it.

You are angry at what your WW did/doing... understandable.

You're sick of hurting and trying to hold your M together alone. I know.

But, if you exposed, you would start feeling more pro- active.

Starting an A will not give you what you think it will.

If you want to give up on your M, no one will blame you. But, do it the decent way. Get a D FIRST. Then after you've taken some time to heal...then you can start dating again.

You will not make your life better by having an A....it will only mess it up more.

Honest.

(((((HUGS)))))

~ Marsh

Having a retaliation A, or what ever you want to call it, is just a destructive as the A that your WS had. By doing this you will be a WS as well as a BS and your WW can also claim to be the BS. Two infidels trying to find a way to justify the their actions.

An A for any reason is not justified. Period. End of Story.

Thanks everyone for your sound advice. I will not pursue contact with this woman. And yes, I know 2 wrongs don't make a right.

And yes, I would essentially be using this woman to make myself feel better, for a short time, but I would probably hate myself if I did it. Thanks for that bit of perspective!


Marsh,

Exposure is a tool for ending an A. And I would use it if I knew that it was still ongoing. However, we have both agreed and she has taken steps to getting a new job. I'm looking at another 2-3 months at least until she finds a new job and serves out her notice, if all goes well. Exposure at this point (IMHO) would only be counter-productive as I'm not even sure the A is ongoing. She's limiting contact with the OW, and I'm making sure she gets home early from work and observing her movements. Its tough, but I only have to endure another 2-3 months until the NC. But whether they still meet up in secret after she leaves her job is beyond my control. If that happens, then I *will* walk away from the M.

That's a long time, Dev, are you going to be OK for that long?

Are you on AD's?

Seeing an IC?

Are you taking care of yourself?

You need to.

Please keep posting.



If they meet up after the job change...THEN YOU'D BETTER EXPOSE!

Don't walk away w/o exposing.

Hang in there.

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh,

Nope not on AD... truth be told, don't think I need 'em.

IC, yes we're supposed to see the MC next week, if she's not keen yet then I'll just go alone first. Yes posting does help. Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I totally agree about the exposing if they still meet up after she leaves the job. I will find out eventually

I just spoiled my Plan A tonight by talking to her about the M again, after calling her up to check her whereabouts and to ask her about her meeting a colleague (not the OW) yesterday. She was quite annoyed with me and I LB'ed again and she ended by saying she was fed up of talking about the same things over and over again, and of hearing that the affair was her fault and that she couldn't be trusted etc etc. She did say that the A is definitely over, she did not want to live a double life, and she didn't want to have to choose btw two people and end up hating one in the end (guess who the hated one is going to be? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

Anyway, some questions:

1. Do I continue to check up on her, call her to ask her where she is, check to see if there are any 'suspicious' lapses in timing etc?

2. Do I spy on her, tape recorder in the car, keylogger on the PC etc?

3. I have not really been hanging out with my friends, or trying out stuff by myself outside. Prob afraid that if left to her own devices she will go back to the OW. But I can't watch her 100% of the time, nor can I control her if she does decide to go back to the OW behind my back. So should I just say "to heck with it" and do my own thing and if she goes back to OW, then so be it?

Some advice would be great so I can stop LBing so much :S

What are you currently doing in your plan A and what is your timeframe?

Hi noodle,

My Plan A has not really been 'planned' lol

Basically, over the holidays, I've:

1. Been trying to be loving towards her, not getting angry, not being impatient, supportive of her hobby (currently she is into costme jewelry making)

2. Not initiating conversations on the M or R, apart from comments we both occassionally make on a funnier aspect of the A (like how ugly the OW is), its been very pleasant, we both smiled a lot, held hands, cuddled to sleep etc, almost like old times

3. I'd decided to return to the gym and to lose some pounds (put back all the ones I'd lost following D-Day) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

4. Arrange to see a MC next week or the week after, on my own or with her (she has said she wants to go, as talking to each other is a dead end, same things said, nothing new coming out and she's fed up etc)

I haven't really set a time frame for it, I guess it will be a month or two AFTER she leaves her current job (which may be 2-3 months from now).

What I do want to know are the questions I was asking before, on whether I should check up on her, or worry if she's seeing the OW while I'm out doing my thing (i.e. following Plan A to improve myself). Also what more could I be doing?

I asked her yesterday, that if I stopped checking up on her, stop putting pressure on her to not see the OW, would she think if she would go back to the OW? And she said she's 95% sure. She has already agrees that the NC is important after she leaves the job.

Can anyone advise? We're spending the weekned at my mum's place out of the city this weekend (until Monday) and it would be great to get some advise. Cheers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />