I'm a newbie..d-day was in March of '06. The most painful day of my life. My mid-life crisis wife still denies anything has occurred, but I've been diligent and have plenty of proof. When confronting her with it, she still denies it! Incredible. I'm told that is not uncommon for women (?).

I've tried to get her into counseling...I've gone 5-6 times and plan to continue. She refuses saying, "I'm not going to discuss our problems with anyone but you". Problem is, she never talks about anything close to it...is very secretive and the trust is gone. We're at a crossroads..she refuses to stop communicating with him calling him "interesting". She says she loves me. We have 3 young kids and the thought of leaving them is killing me.

My logic tells me that, if she was serious about improving our marriage (I've practically begger her to work on it with me) she would give this guy up since he live 5000 miles away. But she continues to share something very intimate with him and wants her cake and eat it too.

I'm pretty desperate for help. Today, I told her that I think I need to leave. I've lost my self-respect. I don't want to leave, but can't stand having my heart continually trampled on. She says my leaving "won't work". She's not going to be home on her own to take care of the kids - interesting response.

I'm not sure the 5000 miles will kill her relationship since he travels to the US fairly often. My kids come first, but I don't know if I can take feeling inadequate, fearful, and angry all the time. I drafted an email to send to her friend letting him know that he is destroying a marriage, but haven't sent it yet. My hope is he will back off if I ask him (naive?). My wife will be pissed when she finds out and I don't need to make things worse if they can get any worse.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness here..I'll stop and listen to any who has experienced this nightmare.

Thanks.

OK
Don't leave your home.
Read the Infidelity FAQ's linked below in my signature
Expose her affair to anyone who can influence her behaviour
Re-Post this on the busiest forum, General Questions II

Welcome to MB

Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid of your wife. What do you have to be afraid of? Living like this the rest of your life? She isn't working on the M because she still is in contact w/ OM, and as long as that is occuring she is still in the A. How is she contacting OM? Cell phone? Delete his number and change her number or just turn the darn thing off. Email and chat? Block his email address, close her account, use software to block access to certain pages, or just cancel your internet access. It isn't hard. Do you think that is too controlling? Sorry, but she is controlling you. You are just enforcing your marital boundaries. Expose to anybody and everybody that she wouldn't want to know about the affair. If she uses internet at work to contact him, then expose to them as well. Sure this will make her VERY ANGRY, but she'll get over it in a week. Just like if you take a toy away from a kid, they'll kick and scream but eventually calm down. That is your WW's mindset, one of a spoiled child. It is time to show her some tough love. Are you man enough to do it?

By the way, these steps are what most of us on this board did, and it SAVED our marriages. I know you are afraid of doing these things, but it is not her anger that is killing your marriage, it is her affair. Bust it up, and you can finally rebuild your relationship again.

I have to reiterate what has been said...DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! Just in case things get bad, you do not want to be viewed as having abandoned your children. DO NOT LEAVE! If she is uncomfortable with your expectations regarding the A, then she can leave.

I agree with the others -- do not leave your home. Tell her she must break all contact with this man, or that SHE must leave (and the kids stay with YOU). If she refuses both options, then you have no choice but to email the OM and let him know that his relationship with your wife is getting in the way of your marriage and he should cease and desist contact with the wife.

I am a betrayed wife, and these are the steps I needed to take to get my marriage back. It was scary stuff, but 6 years later, we are happier than ever.

Keep us posted on your progress.