Hello,

I had my story posted in the EN section under http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...468#Post3159992 but was told I would be better off helped here. Thanks for all the advice.

Fred

I just read your other thread in EN

First you need to repost atleast some of your story here. just putting link may not be enough for other to read.

Just what I think. After your first post I thought she's probably in an A of some type.

Finally today your last post there yes you have confirmed that indeed it is an EA.


You need to kill the EA before it becomes a PA.

Have you exposed to everyone you know that can have any influence on her?
Expose the OM as well to anyone and everyone you know can help you put a stop to it.

I think you need to get her with you and together agree to write a NC letter email or whatever to OM. Be sure your WW understand this is a non negotiable point for you. You will not accept any further contact it must end.

Your first boundary!

Second requirement, boundary or whatever.
She needs to come home and start working on the M with you going to MC and IC.

You need to get busy with HNHN and start working on those EN's with her and both stop the LB's

No it will not be easy but you are in a good place and others will chime in with good advice.

Thanks for the response. I have exposed the EA to the people who need to know and I think she will agree to NC. I may have the oppurtunity to move us out of the state for about 6 months. I think it would be great for our M, but I know I am going to have a hard time justifying that to her. I can hear her say "well you go there and work on yourself and I'll get a new job here and work on myself" And I know in my heart that will not work. Because we will be out of sight out of mind from each other.

Moving separately would not be an option if it were me.

Get and read Surviving An Affair.

Read everything on here you can about recovering from an A.

this is the thing that stood out to me



my opinion is

if you are having this much trouble in a brand new marriage ... the one thing that would be your best bet at this point is counseling with the Harleys

if you do not take such drastic preventative measures

I would expect worse trouble in the future

sorry kiddo

Pep

Well, you're right at the point where the "in love" fades, and your longer lasting "long term love" feelings start to take over.

It sounds to me like your wife doesn't understand much about the nature of "love".

Go pick up a copy of the book "The Five Love Languages"...read chapter two about "the nature of love".

I've got to agree with Pep too...if she's cheating on you this early in the marriage, you might give serious thought about the concept of spending the rest of your life with her.

I hate this rollercoaster. I just found out by snooping it had turned into a PA twice in early december. She lied to me about that even after I confronted her about the EA. I confronted her on this and told her I don't know how I feel now. I told her all the stuff I have been doing is not because I think it is what she wants to hear, but what I need to do for myself and how I need to change as a husband. I just don't know if I can continue since I know it turned into a PA. She said I can't be that husband because thats not the husband I was, I replied with then I guess you should never re-marry because you are a cheater and thats who you will always be. I just don't know what to do.....should it make a differnece because its a PA and EA now?

Fred

Dr Harley often recommends the BS seriously consider ending the marriage if the adultery comes early in the M

especially ~~~> with no children

consider this a warning of what the future holds for you if you remain married

again, sorry kiddo

Pep

JMHO FWIW

Run!!! Don't walk!

Sorry this is not the wife you want after all!

This is probably just the beginning of her unfaithful ways if she so easily went with this philanderer.

You are young and can do so much better than that.

So sorry for your sitch.

Yep.

I'd get out.

Chalk this up 2 a learning experience and bank it 2ward your even2al wisdom.

Love is not a feeling. Not at all.

-ol' 2long

It hurts so bad to hear that. I have finally realized all the mistakes I have made in the marriage and how I want to be a better husband, and she has realized all the bad she has done. We didn't know how to communicate our needs to each other, and when we tried to we negotiated all wrong. I have learned being stubborn is different from being patient. She told me tonight she has ended the A, and I'll find out tomorrow if she is willing to even consider working on our marriage. I feel like if I don't even try then all I will never know in my heart.

If she truly has ended it, she can prove that 2 your satisfaction.

Also, if you really do want 2 recover the marriage, call one of the Harleys for some serious coaching. Do it NOW. It will take a week or 2 2 get an appointment.

If your W is willing 2 participate and help you come up with a recovery plan, then there may be a chance here.

-ol' 2long

Ask her 2 write a "no contact" letter that you both sign and YOU send 2 the OM. No contact for life.

Is she with you now or still at her mothers?

She will need to tested for STD's before any SF.

Don't get carried away trying to makeup.

FA:

I'm sorry that I didn't read your other thread.

The OM is a doctor she works with? One of them needs 2 quit their job.

Period. Don't even try if this doesn't happen right now.

-ol' 2long

The only way is NC is assured is in a new job preferrably in a new town. Definitely has to leave this one though. As long as she is around him you will never get her to recommit fully and honestly.

NC must be a non-negotiable point of agreement.

Well went into the counslers today, and stated that NC must be established or else I am walking. She says she agreed not to talk to him or call him, but says she likes her job too much to quit it. She is a RN and could find another job. Should I start packing my emotional and physical bags if she doesn't quit?

Thanks
Fred

In your opinion ...

is this marriage a higher priority for your WW than her current job?

Pep

Fred,

How you doin'?

Just wondered how you were doin' Fred.