OMG - that is awful - no that is not what I want. Honestly, I want to WANT my H like I want this MM - that is what I truely want!

I am sorry - I always said - "I could never cheat, and I will never understand those who do" - now look at me, I am on the verge of doing something awful.

So, you forgave your H? When did he come clean? Are you two in counseling? Sorry, God, I NEVER imagined I would even be in this situation.

You will never have those feelings for your husband while you are desiring this other man. Recognize those feelings they are not real...it is lust...it is mystery...

Listen to everyone here...remove yourself from the situation. Do whatever you must do...read on here for the next few hours...read of all the pain and hardship in everyones lives...that will be you and your husband....

Listen, "awful" doesn't even come CLOSE to describing the situation. There is no word to describe it. I am not kidding.

I have gone through phases where I have felt like I was raped ~ totally violated, like nothing in my body, or my life, or my marriage, is sacred. Is that how you want your H to feel? Because that IS how he will feel when he finds out. And he WILL find out, guaranteed.

I did some of the craziest things on dday (the day I found out). Stuff I never in a million years thought I was capable of. I physically attacked my H. I called both of his parents and told them both that not only did their son have sex with someone else, but that I knew about his dad's affair for years (something I had been sworn to secrecy on, in not so many words); I threw a couple of glasses across the room, one at our huge 8 foot sliding glass door; they both shattered. In my craziness I announced to my parents, my brother, my sister, and my brother in law that I had sex with someone else before my H and I got married, and I got an STD from it (don't ask how that fits into the story; but that's my whole point ~ I was so crazy out of my mind when I found out that I was doing and sayinhg THE whackiest things), I put cigarette after cigarette out on my H's leg as we sat in our backyard until 4 am hashing all of this out. I could go on and on, but hopefully you get my point.

THIS is what your spouse's adultery does to you. IT SUCKS.



Well, I'm TRYING to forgive him. I don't think I'm there yet. It's "only" been 8 months. Yes, 8 FREAKING MONTHS, and this is all we do ~ try to "fix" this.

He came clean the day I found out. He broke it off with the OW that day. That's how "important" that relationship was to him. He's said he was not in love with her. But he was so fogged out and screwed up that he slept with her. And it's f***ed up our lives big time.

No one ever believes they'd be in this situation. My H STILL can't believe he was in that "situation". Neither can I. A few nights ago I said to my H "I feel like I don't know you anymore. The man I married would never have done this". That broke his heart and ruined the whole night for us. That after 16 years together, this "one mistake" has made it so that I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. THAT'S what adultery does. It turns you into someone neither you nor spouse recognize, nor do either of you WANT to recognize.



Yep, you're on the verge of doing something awful. You don't want to go there, believe me. Your life will never be the same.

That's why I said RUN RUN RUN, now!

Put a call out to Marshmallow on this same board. She is also a FWW who had an EA. She will understand where you are in this whole mess. She's awesome.

Oh, and tell your H. In the nicest way possible (because this is still going to hurt him), explain what the OM has been doing for you that is making you feel these feelings for him. Ask you H if he would be willing to go through this website with you and work on re-building your M. Do the EN questionaire, together. You can rebuild before it gets to the "devastation" point like most of ours has.

Good luck,
~MF

Run as fast as you can from this situation, if you can, your spouse will be hurt but most importantly you will be giving in to the MM your self respect.

Good luck

jlds,

After reading all of this, what is your plan?

I just want to say you should at least feel proud of yourself for having enough clarity to realize you are on verge of something very bad and worse.

You need to distance yourself from the OM. He is not MM he is OM. He is hurting himself and he has issues, his Marriage has its own problem - DO not think you can fix him, a lot of affairs start out with people feeling they are needed by the OP vs. that my spouse doesn't need me.

Do not communicate with the OM about anything - change gyms today. Change doctor's... You are thinking that is a drastic step. People here will tell you that this is not something that is going change so you need to change drastic actions.

First No contact with OM
Second, get in individual counseling - so you have a trained ear to talk about feelings - OM are not sound boards they are agenda driving people
Third, get into marriage counseling - open up to to your husband tell him your not happy, tell him you have been thinking about OP and you know that its wrong but your marriage is worth it.... Marriage is a very hard thing to keep going - they just don't happen

You know what you need to do so what will you be doing?

jlds,

This is how my WW's affair started in June/July. She started talking to and hanging out with a "friend" from work. ******, this guy even met up with us at happy hour and came to a house party at our house and spent the night when he got too drunk to drive home. I trusted my WW and this OM. Boy was I wrong. They started calling each other all the time. She started going out with "friends" and it was just him, and when they were hanging out by themselves and got drunk, it turned physical. But it first started when my WW started keeping things from me. Then she started shutting herself off from all her other friends because they knew. She didn't want anyone challenging her new lifestyle. She didn't talk to even her family because she knew they talked to me. She was trying to shield herself from feeling guilt. That is still what hampers our recovery two months after she broke it off with the OM>

You can't imagine the thoughts that go through a BS's mind when they find out. It is much worse for them to suspect and find out with some snooping, than for you to come clean. When the BS finds out, the WS usually lies so as not to "hurt" the BS (or protect the affair). This is where the emotional damage can be irreparable. When I found out, I drank myself silly, couldn't eat, sleep, or function at work, and I thought about killing myself. Trust me, this is not something you want to do to your husband, ther person who you swore to God and others that you would be there for till death do you part.

You can feel those feelings for your husband again, you just need to get rid of this OM, and follow the MB program to restore romantic love. There are many on this forum who have used to program to be happier than they ever were before pre-A. Do the right thing.

Hi -

I don't even know what to say or where to start, I am sorry to those of you who have been cheated on, again, like I've said, I always use to say, any man cheats on me, I am GONE - and never could imagine it being done to me.

My H is the most wonderful man there is. He so does not deserve to be hurt this way, he is a good father too.

I know I have let it go this far, because, I have been telling myself - "he (MM) won't cheat, no way, he would never hurt his wife or kids, that he would never "hit" on me and make that "big move"........for this situation to be physical, he is just playing a game - I know how stupid that sounds, none of this should even be going on -why I've made excuses, I am still trying to figure out.

jlds,
I am MF's FWH...I do not post here much, but read daily. PLEASE do yourself a favor before you ruin everything you have. I GUARANTEE that if it seems "ok", but you feel the need to keep it hidden from your H, then you will fall into the same trap I did....and trust me, you do not want this life. I am 37yo and know that I will think about what I did everyday for the rest of my life. I am typically a happy person, but since this has happened to me, I struggle with depression, low self-esteem and often times go to sleep at night with sweet thoughts that I do not wake up in the morning. And all of this started from an "innocent" friendship that fogged me out so bad, that somehow I justified a physical affair. Now, I live my life everyday feeling f&*ked in some way or another about what I did to mine and my families lives.

Get out now before its too late...

jlds,
Tell your husband. It's the best strategy for putting an end to your risk.

MFsFWH,
I know you're going through a rough time right now. But you're doing the right thing by manning up, and that is something you can be proud of. I have been a member of this forum for several years, and I've seen a lot of people in your position. There is one thing I've observed that I want you to hang onto: You won't always feel so bad. You are going to feel better. You and MF are doing all the right things, and you are going to build an all new marriage that makes you both very happy.

Good for you...I hope you really have.

curious53,

Thank you for your words of encouragment - it helps to hear you say that -

after reading a lot of things on this board, my situation seems so minor, but everyone tells me to run, walk away, get out of this situation, do not see MM anymore - because this is just the start. I still find it hard to believe this MM would ever "go there", but then I am told "look what he has already done/said - and you don't think he would "go there"? So, I have decided to "try my best" to walk away. Even though nothing physical has happened, I find myself "enjoying" his company very much, and enjoy seeing him so very much, but know he is not mine to ever have - so I know it is best to walk away - wish me luck, and thanks again!

jlds

MFsFWH -

Thank you for your reply!

Is this something "we" all do that get involved emotionally - say it is nothing and nothing will ever come of it, and really mean it? Because, I do, (still, even though plan on letting it "go") really believe nothing will/would come of this, and as if it is not even really an EA - just because we do not discuss his W anymore, we do not e-mail/call each other, there is just HEAVY flirting going on amongst a lot of the other things you've read here regarding my situation....for example, wanting me to join his "club"........bla, bla, bla - other stuff too.....

then again - I do stop and think - OMG, if his W knew a glimpse of what he has said to me - she would die, or anyone for that matter that knew him and I are both married - so, guess that makes it an EA? UGH - this is CRAZY! Anyway, thank you for your input. I hope your doing well, and you tell me what everyone else says - it is the worst mistake I'll ever make - again, maybe I am making excuses - but I do not see this getting physical........

Is this something "we" all do that get involved emotionally - say it is nothing and nothing will ever come of it, and really mean it?

jdls,

Why are you asking this question? It doesn't seem important if you are really willing to call it quits with OM.

By the way, jdls, have you told your husband about the EA yet?

then again - I do stop and think - OMG, if his W knew a glimpse of what he has said to me - she would die, or anyone for that matter that knew him and I are both married - so, guess that makes it an EA?


Actually...his wife has every right to know what he has said to you.

You should tell her/show her and apologise for the heavy flirting and carrying on that the two of you have done.

How disrespectfull of her and dismissive of her feelings and sexual exclusivity in her marriage.

Does it seem minor now? Do you think she would agree? Do you think that it will be a minor thing when you also expose yourself to your H?

Will you be able to show them and apologise? Are you balking and immediately thinking of reasons why you can't/won't do this?

Wow, noodle...right between the eyes!

Untill.....it does happen then....ooops!

hi dedicated father -

yes - i know, good and simple way of putting it. I know I HAVE to not see this MM anymore - BOTTOM LINE. If I am smart, I will quit being stupid and do what is right. All I know, and try to keep thinking is - if my H was doing this with another woman - I would be PISSY! I would feel totally betrayed, so I keep asking myself - why continue.

Thanks.
jlds

Why indeed.

Does his wife know about your "friendship"? What exactly does she "know" exactly, do you know? What does your husband know exactly?