I'm freaking out here. H told me that things were going to change and he would not be going out after work so much during the week. Well I talked to him around 3 and he said he was going out for couple with the guys. That he'd be home by 5-5:30 the latest. Well it's just about 6:00 and dinner is done. The kids are eating and H is not home yet. I am trying so hard to not call him on his cell. I now he's only 30 or so minutes late but I'm still freaking out.
Do I call him or not?

Sure call, your his wife and you have dinner on the table hot so call.

Call him, but be calm and don't yell at him. Tell him he said he was going to be back by XXX and he is late, so he had better get home ASAP. If he doesn't get back, just throw his dinner away.

Called and he's not answering the phone.
I left a message, a nice message. But i'm still freaking out. Just yesterday and last night H told me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. That he will not be doing this anymore. I guess he can't just come right home can he? My heart is pounding so hard right now I'm trying to calm down but it's a losing battle so far. I want to rip his head off. Why can't he just come home after work.

Maybe you could put his dinner out in the driveway for him?

Just kidding.

No I'll leave it on the stove to dry out. I tried calling again and got voice mail. Now the kids are asking why daddy isn't home yet. I can't take this too much longer with out really having a melt down. I can't even type I"m so mad.

Just called again and he shut his phone off. How nice. This is just getting batter by the moment.

Okay, you have been nominated to take care of the kids that his wife is too irresponsible to take care of. Now he has you to do it. Plan on him to continue disrespecting you as long as you tolerate it.

Please see a counselor for yourself. He has no reason at all to change. He has you raising his progeny, saving him child support, and he can live the single life, and be late for dinner to boot.

And if you dare say anything, you will become the ******.

Please get some individual counseling.

I am in counseling. His ex doesn't pay child support, she on disability. I'm going for a walk in a few minutes I need to get out of this house before I start freaking and I don't want to infront of the kids.
Thanks I'll be back

On second thought some visine in his drink and a dinner dropped all over his head might be in order.

Stay calm. This is not going to get solved overnight. He feels entitled to disrespect you. Continue your counseling. If his ex gets social security disability, the kids could get money.

If you're in Plan A, then cover up the dinner and keep it nice and warm and good for him -- So he realizes what he COULD have come home to. Domestic Support.

Tell the kids you don't know where their dad is, but that it's ok for them to tell him how disappointed they are that he wasn't home with them tonight.

Next time, drop the kids off to him wherever he is (do you have GPS on his car?), and have plans of your own. "Here you go, honey, I have my (appointment/meeting/manicure/whatever). I didn't get a sitter since you said you'd be home. You guys have fun!".

How attached are you to the kids?

-AmI.

I think I would get a full time job during the day. Send the girls to after school care and have their father pick them up.

That will take care of his feeling that his afterwork time is "His" time to go out and drink.

Also, just in case he refuses to go to AA, then you will be financially secure.

Believer, yes we do get some money from SS but not much.

I finally got ahold of him, he was playing pool at one of his local stops, said he forgot about the time that he'd be home in 15 minutes. Then I called him back to ask him if he wanted me to have his dinner heated for when he got home and he was at another one of his stops and said he'd be home on another 15 minutes. Said he had to pee. Whatever...I told him to get his [censored] home now. That was 20minutes ago.

I have a full time job friday-sundays. 5am - 5pm. Yeah I know the weekends but I have to for the kids. I have no one to get my little one to the bus in the morning.

AmIok, I've very attached to the kids. This is why it's so hard.

I have GPA on his cell phone but it won't get hooked up until next week. And I'm getting a voice activated recorder to put in his truck. I've tried the afterschool programs but that did not work. He'd pick them up at 5-5:30. So no difference.

I would drop the kids off to him but he's always in a bar having beers. and I'm not doing that to the kids.

Believer, yes we do get some money from SS but not much.

I finally got ahold of him, he was playing pool at one of his local stops, said he forgot about the time that he'd be home in 15 minutes. Then I called him back to ask him if he wanted me to have his dinner heated for when he got home and he was at another one of his stops and said he'd be home on another 15 minutes. Said he had to pee. Whatever...I told him to get his [censored] home now. That was 20minutes ago.

I have a full time job friday-sundays. 5am - 5pm. Yeah I know the weekends but I have to for the kids. I have no one to get my little one to the bus in the morning.

AmIok, I've very attached to the kids. This is why it's so hard.

I have GPA on his cell phone but it won't get hooked up until next week. And I'm getting a voice activated recorder to put in his truck. I've tried the afterschool programs but that did not work. He'd pick them up at 5-5:30. So no difference.

I would drop the kids off to him but he's always in a bar having beers. and I'm not doing that to the kids.

My dear, you are enabling him to shirk his responsibilites, and that is what he will do, and then cheat on you too.

I have step-kids too, 10 and 14, who I am also very attached to. We've had full custody of them for years, and I think of them as my own. So I can understand your feelings about your kids. I think that makes a difference in the plans that are available -- and makes for some kinks in the planning, too.

I'm not too familiar with your sitch ... is he actively in an A? Or you're trying to recover ....? What prompted him to say that things would change and he wouldn't be going out after work so often? Did he say what "not so often" meant? Is this POJA-able, or is he doing something less than proper when he's out? Maybe it would be fun if he gave you enough notice and you could get a sitter and join him one or two nights a week?


-AmI.

My ex and I raised 8 kids - 2 mine, 4 his, and 2 sisters to his kids. I consider them ALL mine.

But I made the same mistake - I was so happy to have a wonderful family, that I started doing more and more. He did less and less. It was my fault for allowing it. Over 10 years, ex came to feel that he was ENTITLED to do nothing. Sadly, I taught him that.

Believer,

No you never taught him. You allowed it and he took advantage. I think big difference.

JKG - Well they say that you teach people how to treat you.....

Anyway, I made an innocent mistake. I was thrilled with my big family, and just did everything I could to make things good. Now I now that it is never a good thing to be more invested in the family than your partner.