Not here to beat you with a stick.

Just hoping you'll indulge me in answering a few questions.

So..without a complete post or history I understand a basic outline of your situation to have been...

Separation from spouse...

Affair...

Failed recovery attempt...

Inability to recover desire...

Is that a correct outline?
Are they in the correct order?
Did the separation precede the affair completely/partially {ea?}/no the affair preceded the separation?

I also have some followup questions.

About the recovery attempt...

What program [if any] did you use?

What sorts of things did you do to try to reignite sexual attraction?

How would you describe your feelings of attraction in the affair in contrast with your feelings of attraction in the marriage...were they comparable to the earlier parts of the marital relationship...if not how did they differ?

Thanks ahead of time for response.

LOL

I have a favorite cousin who all the cousins lovingly and respectfully call "Bosslady"

so when I first saw this name I had to make sure it was not my cousin!

it's not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pep,

Actually my husband is known as "The Boss" and would always use that nic...when I got into computers he insisted I was his woman..his lady...and if I wanted to be online I would have to go by the name "Bosslady"...meaning boss's lady...

Seems people think I am some sort of woman wanting control and to boss others around...but they are so far from the truth...

You've shared w/ us your opinions, but NOT your experience.

How 'bout answering Noodle's questions?


~ Marsh

Hi Noddle,

Thanks for caring. Was starting to think this place was some sort of cult.

The seperation happened, then the affair, there was no desire for my ex-husband when we got back together. Does that clear it up?

We went to a marriage counsellor and my ex husband went to counselling as well on his own...I was not interested in getting any personal counselling and only went to marriage counselling on the persistance of my ex.

We had to make time for each other everyday and took up new activities so we could share some new experiences together. We tried to rebuild a friendship and rebuild trust. The problem was not with my ex but with me and no matter what he did to romance me I could not regain my sexual feelings for him.

My ex was a business man who I had worked for. We knew each other a long time and developed a friendship and love. He was always a ladies man, chatting online and flirting with women in general. Before we married he cause me great heartache and after we married he continued although I do believe he was sexually faithful..he was definitely not emotional faithful. When we seperated I regained my self confidence and met someone who fell in love with me...I had stronger feelings of love for my ex than I did this man but this new man treated me like every woman would love to be treated..

When my husband wanted me back, I couldn't help my feelings for him and I gave him a chance. Everytime we made love I would remember the hurt and my mind would turn to my lover...who I couldn't give up...because he made me feel so good...

My ex and I always had great sex in the past...but I guess with a new man in my life I realized that sometimes there's just too much between 2 people and you can't bring back something that's gone...no matter how much you want to or try.

Why did your lover make you feel so good? Did you tell your husband the reasons? Did he follow up on those suggestions?

You had a lot of hurt associated with betraying your husband, and it made you think of your lover. What did you do to let go some of the pain? You didn't seek IC. Why not?

He was my friend, and my lover and I was attracted to him in many ways. He was not at all like my husband but yet was similar. Yes I discussed everything very openly with my husband and he did follow up but I was not attracted to him any longer. My attraction never came back. I did feel badly for my husband but that did not and does mean I felt sexually attracted to him. He went to counselling, I chose not to go because I knew that my feelings would not return. It did not matter what he did nothing made me forget my lover. Keep in mind that my husband is a good man just not for me.

It sounds to me like you chose not to allow/encourage/have your feelings return. You chose then and still choose to believe this so so that you can continue the relationship with the new man. The fact that this man is a third party makes it a fantasy relationship, and you choose fantasy over reality by romanticizing the power this man has over you and reducing your husband's power over you to nothing. Relationships aren't about power. You speak as if you aren't actively involved in your choices - for example you seem to expect your husband to have some power over you emotionally and make you forget the OM. If you took responsibility for your own feelings and worked with your husband to make something together, you might have a different opinion about your feelings. Part of honoring your committments is recognizing that you own your emotions and you are responsible for regulating them. If you believe true love overtakes you then you will be spending your life pursuing stage 1 love relationship after relationship.

I think it's great that your husband went to therapy, he'll be happy he did, but I think you missed the point. You have the problem - your feelings aren't what you think they should be. All the therapy in the world isn't going to help your husband make you feel the way you think you should. That's your area. He's a willing participant should you decide you want to address the problems you can control. But if you choose not to address them, as it seems you chosen, they will be there in your next relationship too.

what you guys are missing is that my husband is my ex husband. No I didn't have any contact with OM when I went back to my marriage my point is that even though I didn't have contact, tried to rebuild my life with my husband it did not work. I am taking responsibility for my actions the point I am making in my story is that most people will not take respons. I am different. I had to leave the marriage and for your information I went back to the lover and I have been very happy with him for the past few yrs. I was only on the site because my ex husband still can't get over this and he is seeking advice on here, my point is that this does not work for everyone and for the most part the desire does not return that is the reality. Going through the daily motions and being pressured to go back to the marriage is not a healthy situation. In my case he pressured me to leave my lover or he would divorce me and so I chose my marriage and now realize that my choice was not because I felt desire for my ex husband it was the threat of losing what another woman might luck into which was financial stabilty and the comfort of knowing the place I had. Today I realize that what I did was wrong but it does not under emphasize the fact that sexual desire is not the easy to get back. My point is that true love was not with my ex husband, it was need and fear of not having the habit in my life.

Love isn't a feeling...it's a CHOICE. It's an ACTION.

If you CHOOSE to love someone as a spouse/partner, your feelings will follow your choice.

You never regained your feelings for your husband because you CHOSE not to love him as a husband.

Not blasting you here...just pointing out the obvious.

Make sense?

this woman reminds me of CS... there is no reason for her to be here... yet she will suck time away from those that really need it.

This is my blog where Noodle asked for my story. If your world so upright now then stay off my story, don't need your opinion or help.

MEDC-

You and I never agree on anything...up until now.

She's not going to change anything based on anything we tell her here...she's not here for help. I'm not even clear on why she is here...the claim about it be being because her ex posts here doesn't hold water...she can't/won't do anything to help him deal with anything given her current situation and feelings.

I'd guess that BL's only agenda here is to try to convince SOMEONE that she was in the right with her choices and actions...and she'd be better off going to gloryB or some similar site. She's not going to have any success here...because the majority of us have been through this and have SEEN what she's not...how it does play out when the WS makes the RIGHT choices.

What help are you asking for her, BL?

sure Boss Hog... just like you stayed off the other thread you were asked to.

No it does not make sense. Love is not a choice it is a feeling and with that feeling you make the choice to act on it. I did try to love him as my husband/person/friend but he did not provide for me what I had in the OM which was where my feelings took over. Don't forget that I made the choice to go back to my husband but I did not have the feelings so regardless of choice it did not work. Let me ask you this, do you think that sexual attraction is a choice or a feeling?

FOG!

Read your quote and practise what you preach. I am not asking you for anything and don't need to justify anything to you. I am speaking from true experience and reality I am not trying to keep people in a fog without any hope of it lifting. I have looked at the other sites on here and some good advice is given to us about cheaters/affairs what I saw on the first blog I went to is scary it was not good advice. No one is telling us the reality

I'm not asking for help. Noodle had asked me to tell my story and I replied. Why do I need to justify myself?

yeah that is it you know it all.